Being who I am is sometimes a problem, especially when I am not sure exactly who or what I am. For many years I tried to be who or what others thought I should be, and sometimes I tried to be who or what I thought I should be. This left me as a composite of many people and I lost, if I ever knew who I really am, I liked the quote about accepting our past. I have tried to rewrite my past so many times. My past felt wrong, dirty, unacceptable to even me, so how would the truth sound to you? In the past few years I have attempted to share my true history with a very few people, usually the reception was good, sometimes not, sometimes I saw what I interpreted as looks of revulsion on the faces of those I had confided in, true those were isolated incidents, but it doesn't take many of those looks to close my mouth and my mind to trusting someone else. Most people however, were receptive and it often seemed to give them permission to share some of their own past.
My past doesn't have the same power over me anymore. I have forgiven myself and I have accepted fully those who refuse to forgive me, I have let them go literally and figuratively. I am at peace with that, finally. I am finished apologizing for youthful indiscretions and even ones made in my middle years. I have learned that when I know better, I do better. And I am doing better....Thats it for tonight.
Friday, March 4th, 2011..........10:11p.m
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