Taking The Gag Out Of My Mouth

That is why I write.  I think I have always written better than I talked.  And I am more comfortable writing than talking.  I think it is true of most us and it certainly is true of me.  I am usually so careful when I talk, there are so very few people that I am really comfortable talking intimately to.  I think before I say anything, or at least I try to.  I edit my words.  God forbid I offend anyone.  The only problem with that is that I sometimes offend someone anyway.  Someday I am going to attempt to write fiction.  I think in fiction you would really get to tell the truth because you could call it fiction.  Maybe that is why so many people write fiction, so they can be honest.  Just think how how wonderful that would be, you could endow all of these characters with the feelings that you have and don't allow yourself express.  They could be angry, lustful, vengeful and a list of things that we would never allow ourselves to be.  I could probably explore full imtimacy in writing, if I called it fiction.
I think most people don't have a clue what true intimacy is.  In my work I was surprised when I asked people what intimacy meant to them.  Almost without exception they thought intimacy had to have something to do with sex.  And yet with women particually, when they examined the people who they were most intimate with it was inevitably other women.  They discussed things with other women that they wouldn't dream of discussing with thier sexual partner.  I am afraid of intimacy, I am afraid to let you know the vulnerable me, the frightened me and especially the hurt and angry me.  My anger scares me, just think what it might do to you.  I fear that if you ever really knew me you wouldn't like me.  So, I present this masked me, the one I think you will approve of.  I have a feeling that we all do this and that is sad.  Perhaps if we all took a chance, (took a risk) we would find out that we are acceptable just being the real, flawed humans that we are.  If not we all should start writing fiction.

Evening Thoughts

Sunday, March 27th, 2011.....10:22p.m.