"There Is Always Some Madness In Love. But There Is Always Some Reason In Madness. Nietzsche

I have so many quotes by Nietzsche but I have refrained from using them.  The gag in my mouth thing I guess, which I am working at removing.  And this is one of his milder quotes.  It dosn't mention God or lack of God, so shouldn't offend to many people.  I should go back to last nights title "Those Who Matter Don't Mind (that I have my own mind) And Those Who Mind Don't Matter.  Nietzsche and Suess, I guess most people wouldn't mention them in the same sentence, but I am not most people and right now I am feeling grateful for that.
Back to the quote:   Of course there is always some madness in love, I think there is supposed to be.  Being in love, being loved and loving changes synapses in the brain, probably accounting for the madness, which hopefully brings joy as well as madness (perhaps they are the same thing).  And speaking from personal experience, as well as working closely with others who supposedly had some clinical diagnosis of madness, I can tell you for sure that there is always (without exception) some reason in madness.  It takes some of us sometime to find the reason, for whatever reason I usually found it quite quickly; but let me assure you that it is always there. 
I will work on more of my Nietzsche quotes in the days to come.  To me he was a fascinating, genius of a man.  Dr Duess too.

Manana

Thursday, March 31th, 2011..........11:01p.m.

"Those That Matter Don't Mind And Those That Mind Don't Matter" Dr Suess

This is something that I hear a lot and I like it.  I just wish that I could always believe it.  Sometimes I want to matter to you and if I don't it bothers me.  Well, it bothers me for a litte while anyway.  When I was young it seemed to matter a lot more.  There are advantages to getting older.  The first one that comes to mind is that I will never have to ride a horse again; not that I rode horses often, but I did once when I was about 11 years old and I was scared.  At 11 being scared isn't cool, so I couldn't say I was scared.  And I never have to wear 4" spike heels again, although there was a time when I did enjoy wearing them.  I never have to wear makeup........wait a minute, I have never worn makeup, except for a couple of occasions, weddings I think, not my own, then it was done prefessionally; I still felt like a clown.  I do look funny with makeup, most people look better but I look strange.

Back to the quote; I guess those that matter really don't mind that much about me, they seem to accept me the way that I am, and the ones that mind really arn't that important most of the time.  I was going to write about "Thinking Out Loud".  But I am to tired to think even quietly tonight.  I was up about 7:30 a.m. and I am not used to that.  Up until I was terminated I was always up at that time. I just naturally woke up and showered and had coffee and got in my car and went to the office.  Now I get up to pee, then back to bed for a couple of more hours.  There are advantages and disadvantages to this.  I miss some beautiful sunrises.  I remember I used to drive my youngest son to work for 7 a.m.  I really enjoyed that, we had some great early morning talks and enjoyed each others company.  Although we don't talk that often,. he is the one of all my children that I can talk to about anything.  He understands me and I understand him, kind of scary, if you knew us better.  He never judges me, I wish I could say that I had never judged him, I have and I am sorry.  Mostly when I was sounding like I was judging, I was scared for him and didn't know how else to express that.  I Love You Rusty Roy.

Evening Thoughts

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011.........8:12p.m.

Taking The Gag Out Of My Mouth

That is why I write.  I think I have always written better than I talked.  And I am more comfortable writing than talking.  I think it is true of most us and it certainly is true of me.  I am usually so careful when I talk, there are so very few people that I am really comfortable talking intimately to.  I think before I say anything, or at least I try to.  I edit my words.  God forbid I offend anyone.  The only problem with that is that I sometimes offend someone anyway.  Someday I am going to attempt to write fiction.  I think in fiction you would really get to tell the truth because you could call it fiction.  Maybe that is why so many people write fiction, so they can be honest.  Just think how how wonderful that would be, you could endow all of these characters with the feelings that you have and don't allow yourself express.  They could be angry, lustful, vengeful and a list of things that we would never allow ourselves to be.  I could probably explore full imtimacy in writing, if I called it fiction.
I think most people don't have a clue what true intimacy is.  In my work I was surprised when I asked people what intimacy meant to them.  Almost without exception they thought intimacy had to have something to do with sex.  And yet with women particually, when they examined the people who they were most intimate with it was inevitably other women.  They discussed things with other women that they wouldn't dream of discussing with thier sexual partner.  I am afraid of intimacy, I am afraid to let you know the vulnerable me, the frightened me and especially the hurt and angry me.  My anger scares me, just think what it might do to you.  I fear that if you ever really knew me you wouldn't like me.  So, I present this masked me, the one I think you will approve of.  I have a feeling that we all do this and that is sad.  Perhaps if we all took a chance, (took a risk) we would find out that we are acceptable just being the real, flawed humans that we are.  If not we all should start writing fiction.

Evening Thoughts

Sunday, March 27th, 2011.....10:22p.m.

Childrens Literal (Mis)Interpretations

I was remembering today some of the things I thought when I was little, maybe six or seven years old, or even earlier.  Here are a couple of examples.  Almost everyone who I met outside of the immediate family, always seemed to talk about how fair I was; remember there were 5 other children in the house at this time and I was the only one who had blonde hair and blue eyes.  My hair wasn't just blonde, it was white, and my skin wasn't just fair it was almost translucent.  At age five or six I thought fair meant that I would always share everthing equally, that was the only definition I knew for fair.  So, whenever I heard I was fair, I felt I should confess and tell them that I wasn't always fair, sometimes I took a bigger piece or if I could get away with it I would take an extra candy or whatever I enjoyed.  I think I was 8 or 9 before I realized that they referring to my colouring.  By that time I just thought I was strange looking, I didn't know what an Albino was but if I did I would have thought I was one.
The other example I was thinking of was hearing the name Rich Man, at least that is what I heard.  My dad would say that he had to get lumber or plumbing supplies or whatever he needed while building the house from Rich Man.  My mother would talk about how much they owed Rich Man or how much they were paying Rich Man.  They talked and argued about Rich Man a lot.  Probably about the same time that I realized fair meant that I looked like an Albino, I realized that Rich Man was really a lumber company  in Port Colborne called Richmonds Lumber and Building Supplies.  That cleared up some weird thinking that I had, I used to wonder why they had to give this Rich Man all the money, and no wonder he was Rich Man if everyone did that.  I try to remember when I am talking to small children that they take what you say literally.

Evening Thoughts And Rememberances

Friday, March 25th, 2011............9:45p.m.

Silence Is The language Of Inertia

This is another sentence that I read in the book "Willfull Blindness"..  When I read it I just stopped for a moment, then I read it again.  I thought how perfectly worded and how guilty we have all been of this kind of silence.  I wrote a blog the other night, I believe it was by Elie Wiesel about this very subject.
It starts when we are so very young, when we actually are powerless.  We are taught not to "tell".  Sometimes we are told by parents or grownups that we really didn't see what we saw, didn't hear what we heard and don't really feel what we feel.  How crazy making is that to a child?  I have been in jobs where it felt like it was my job to protect co workers and particularly my boss.  And what about relationships where you feel you have to lie for your partner or spouse, when your very livelihood for yourself and your children depends on your silence.  Sometimes you believe and possibly rightly so that your life and thiers depends on your silence.
Then, I guess you reach a point where you just don't want the hassle of getting involved on someone elses behalf.  When that happens you are really should know that "Silence Is The Language Of Inertia" and eventually everyone pays, and the price is high, way to high.

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011.......11:41p.m.

Cognitive Dissonance

This is a term I found while reading a book called "Willfull Blindness".  I would recommend the book to anyone.  Here is just one defination of cognitive dissonance: "An uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. This can cause anxiety resulting from inconsistancy between ones beliefs and actions."  This was a theory first produced by Leon Festinger in 1957.
I am trying to come up with a couple of illustrations that I can wrap my own head around.  O.K. how about when someone you believe loves you, deliberately punchs you and breaks your jaw..........kind of drastic, but the best I can do right now.  Now, I believe this person loves me and it is important to me that I be able to maintain that belief.  How does my mind reconcile the fact that this person who loves me just hurt me so bad?  Being me I would probably go right to "Well I must have deserved it".  I would know that wasn't true, but being unable to let go of the illusion of love, that I apparently need, that is possibly what I would do.  When it comes to large groups or corporations facing cognitive dissonance there is a great illustration in the book regarding Drs and radiation. In the mid 1950s a Dr and researcher, Alice Stewart, discovered that X rays done on fetus's still in the womb would later lead to a much higher incident of childhood cancers than fetus that were not X Rayed.  This was met with much resistance, not only from other Drs but parents as well.  Up until that time Xrays were considered a marvellous, life saving invention.  So, when we are so married to our ideals and ideology we are very reluctant to give them up.  Because to give them up would be admitting that perhaps we were wrong, and who the hell wants to do that.  But to move ahead as an indivual or as a society we have to do that.  I am sure that in the 15th century when it was discovered that the earth was'nt flat there were a whole bunch of people that were running around saying OMG OMG.
The conclusion being that humans are sometimes rationalizing and not always rational beings...........OMG
Afternoon Thoughts.............Back To Book

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011............3:03p.m.

"We Have Achieved Success Who Have Lived Well, Laughed Often, And Loved Much............... Bessie A Stanley

I like this quote and it is something I am aspireing to.  Perhaps I am closer than I think.  I may not have always lived well, but then who has?  I am laughing more often than I did a few years again, and there were times when I did laugh often, but honestly, not that often.  I think I fear laughing, someting about being to happy.........that voice in the back in the back of head saying "whoa, don't be to happy; you know what could happen".  O.K. let me take that one step further......what could happen, what will happen?? Whatever is going to happen is going to happen anyway, whether I laugh or not, so I might as well laugh whenever I can.  The old messages that go so far back, over 6 decades back "What are you laughing about? Get that smile off your face.  Life is hard.  Be serious."  Then of course there was "Don't cry.  I will give you something to cry about".  What messages we plant in our childrens head.  When I read that back, what I hear is don't laugh, don't cry, don't feel your feelings.  If I did this to you my children, I am so sorry.
Sometimes we forget that we are saying what we have heard all of our lives.  That is after all how we learn to talk.  Our first words are words that are repeated to us over and over.  I have learned some lessons in my 70 something years, one being; makes my words sweet, because someday you may have to eat them.
Did I love much,? Probably no........as I mentioned last night that was very risky for me and I was to full of fear.  All things I can still change.

Manana

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011............11:07p.m.

Happy Birthday J.R.

"Most People Would Rather Be Certain They're Miserable, Than Risk Be Happy"........Robert Anthony

I wanted a happy quote tonight and I have been keeping this one for quite a while now for a special occasion.  I think most of us have gone through periods in our lives when we beome comfortable with our misery.  It almost becomes a comfort zone, it is familiar and for whatever reason familiarity is comfortable, no matter how unhappy it makes us.  For me, there were times when my misery was part of my martyrdom, sometime only I knew I was feeling like a martyr, it really doesn't work well when no one else is aware that you are being a martyr, so eventually I stopped.
Happiness is another thing altogether.  With happiness you have something to lose, in fact you have a lot to lose.  That is probably why I havn't risked it to often.  Because it is a risk.  What if the person or the thing that is making you happy leaves you, or is taken away from you?  I am not ususally a big risk taker.  I fear losing what I love.  In the past I have left people that I love before they could leave me.  Being lonely, alone and afraid are feelings that are familiar to me and like I said earlier familaiar feelings are at least comfortable, you know what to expect and there is little to no risk.
I was happy in my work for many years and it was taken away from me by people I had befriended, helped  and trusted.  That experience left me in a place where it was very unlikely that I would trust again.  As I mentioned in an earlier blog, when I moved in with my daughter and her family, I spent a whole year or more cocooning, hardly venturing outside.  it was a time when I really identified with animals "licking their wounds" because that was how I felt, wounded.  I ever so slowly ventured out, and even when I did I kept people at a real distance, possibly I still do.  In 3 years there are perhaps 3 peole that I would trust with my feelings, and even then I would trust each one of them with only some of my feelings and at the first slight feeling of rejection I would back off so quickly and so far that I alarmed them.
Am I ready to be happy and to trust again?  I don't know.  I hope so.  I have been contolled by abandonment issues my entire life, so much so that I realize I made them into a self fulilling prophesy.  I hope I am healed enough and well enough to be happy again.

Monday, March 21st, 2011...............11:03p.m.

Suffering And Silence..............Elie Wiesel

" I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation.  We must always take sides.  Nuetrality helps the oppressor, never the victem.  Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented"  Elie Wiesel
I think I keep finding and writing about these things to work out a lot of my own issues.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have them worked out completely.  There have been times in my life when I have witnessed abuse and kept silent, perhaps because of the times I was abused and kept silent; sometimes because of shame and/or fear.  I wish I had the courage to say, with certainty, that I would never remain silent again when I witness such behavior, because I do believe that nuetrality always helps the oppressor and silence always encourages the tormentor.
I suppose in all honesty, and I am really trying for honesty here, perhaps there were times when I was the oppressor or the tormentor.  However, in my case it would have been in my "passive aggressive" way.  If anyone had challenged me at that time I no doubt would have stopped, because basically I am a coward, as I think all people are when they are bullying.
I think if I was ever the abuser it was a long time ago when I was acting out what had been modeled for me.  Remember "Power Corrupts And Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely".  Lord Acton

Sunday March 20th, 2011...........11:32p.m.

The Inscription Under A Hieroglyph

I first saw this hanging on the Granddaughter Of My Souls wall and I have looked for it ever since.  It goes like this: 
              In The End What Matters Most Is
              How Well Did You Live
              How Well Did You Love
              How Well Did You Learn To Let Go

I would probably give you different answers to these questions on different days.  It took me so long to really get started living my own life.  For a long time I confused quantity with quality.  Sort of like eating a lot of hamburgers instead of one fillet mignon, that you could cut with your fork and was still red in the middle.  That is the problem with being, or feeling empty or hungry, you just shove food, any food down to fill the emptiness.  I did that a lot.  So, the answer is probably NO I did not live well for most of my life, but I believe that I did live well during the third act of my life.
Did I Love Well?  Once more the quantity over quality would probably indicate that the answer would be no.  Because I didn't receive the love as a child I was gluttonous for it as a young woman.  If the question was did I love often, or lust often I could answer yes.  I was so needy for any kind of attention.  I am so glad that I had children because there I loved well, and in my latter years I believe I am capable of loving well.
How Well Did I Learn let Go?  After scratching and clawing and holding on for dear life, afraid to let go of anything, a few of my teachers pried open my fingers, while prying open my mind and I learned to let go.  I have been so fortunate with my teachers, my mentors.  Most were women, but a few were men.  They came in all genders, ages, sizes and shapes.  They were patient and gentle, they taught me to trust enough to finally unclench my fists and let go.  So YES, eventually I have learned to let go.

Saturday, March 19th, 2011............11:31p.m.

"Let Judges Secretly Despair Of Justice; Their Verdicts Will Be More Accurate. Let Generals Secretly Despair Of Trimph; Killing Will Be Defamed. Let Preists Secretly Despair Of Faith; Their Compassion Will Be True. Leonard Cohen

Leonard Cohen wrote Hallelujah.  I am a real fan of his.  I discovered this quote while doing some research on him.  If judges were to despair of justice I am sure we would see more actual justice.  If generals were would only depair of triumph (winning) surely killing would defamed.  And if preists (all clergy) were to despair of faith, hopefully there compassion would become more true and charitable.  There is not a great deal I can add to this quote.  After reading, digesting and reading it again it seems pretty self explanitory to me; yet there is so much said in these few words.  I do wonder about the word "secretly"?.  Is it so unlikely that they could despair of these things openly?  I suppose it is and I am sad about that.  Perhaps I need to digest it once again and write further on it another night.  But not tonight.  I would appreciate anyone elses imput on this.

Friday, March 18th, 2011.................11:03p.m.

Note To Self

It seems there are some lessons that I need to keep learning.  Worrying and trying so hard to make something happen are two of them.  I still seem to feel that if I worry enough about something I can affect the outcome.  And come on, if I really CARE about the outcome of something I should worry, and the same goes for you, right?........Wrong.  I think the word care, plays a big part in this logic of mine.  It feels to me that I don't really care if I don't worry, and if others don't actively worry, then I feel they don't care.  So, after trying, forcing, pleading, fighting, folding, stapling and mutilating, I finally give up and stop trying to force something to happen the way it should, (the way I think is best) I finally throw my hands in the air and unflex my  ridgid muscles and say, at least to my self, WHATEVER, then I begin to "let things happen" instead of trying so hard to make them happen.  I relax, I give up.  And you know what???  Things work out anyway, sometimes even better than when I was expecting.  I wonder why I have to keep relearning this lesson.  That was why I wrote this note to myself and shared it with you.

Thursday, March 17th, 2011..........11:03p.m.

"It's A Queer Thing, But Imaginary Troubles Are Always harder To Bear Than Actual Ones" Dorothy Dix

Dorothy Dix has always been one of my favorite authors.  She was born November 18th, 1886 and died December 6th, 1951.  I know that if I had met her I would have really liked her.  Her writing is simple but wise and true.  Simple truths, the best kind, and I have never read anything about her that was apologetic for her thoughts and/or actions.  Yep, I would have liked her and I do admire her.
For me imaginary troubles are always far worse than the actual ones.  I, and probably most of us can go places in our imagination that we would never go in reality.  I think a lot of that has to do with time.  Time doesn't come into play much in our imagination.  In reality no matter how shocked we are, or how hurt or devasted, we are still in that moment.
When my Dad died in 1995, my sister had only been dead months.  On the morning before his funeral I went to the funeral home in Bobcaygeon, just to spend a couple of minutes with him alone, actually I went to open the top button on his shirt.  I couldn't let him be buried with his top button done up, I knew how he hated that.  Anyway, it was pouring down rain that morning and my next door neighbour had driven me.  We had to pull off the road on the road leading to my house, to let a fire truck pass us.  I looked at my neighbour, Fran. and said "my house is on fire".  She looked at me astonished and said "no Dayle, you have just been through so much these last few months, you are not thinking straight".  We drove about a kilometre to my house and the fire trucks were in the driveway, and the firemen were going through the wall with axes.  Apparently my son, who was helping me to clean up before family and friends arrived, had put some newspapers in the fireplace to burn them and a chimney fire started.  That was one of the times in my life when I was so tired and felt so lost that I just didn't want to be there.  I don't mean there, as in the location, I mean I didn't want to be aware anymore.  I had stopped drinking 10 years earlier, and that was one of the few times that I would have really wanted a drink, or a pill or anything that would remove from that reality.
Finally one of the firemen got a hold of my Dr and he came and gave me a shot, the kind you get in your arm, not the kind you drink.  My neighbour took me to her house and put me in her bed and I slept for about 5 hours.  Then I got up, went back home and did what I had to do, because with actual hard times that is what you do, you don't have any other choices.  At least none that I could think of.
So, yeah,  imaginary troubles can be harder that actual ones, because in my imagination I can't work out the time concept, in my imagination there seems to be no end to the trauma.  Thank you Dorothy Dix, you have helped me to work that one out.

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011...............11:53pm.

I Need To Laugh

And probably so does everyone else.  With all of the horror happening in the world through natural disasters, that I personally think are really helped along by human beings, I find myself greiving for mankind in general.  In some weird way this helps me and perhaps all of us greive for ourselves, gives us some kind of permission to be sad,  yet, I need laughter too.  I feel that I have been sad for the last three years and I want it to at least lessen.  I want to watch puppies or kittens or great grandchildren play.  Puppies and kittens and babies can't read yet, or understand disaster; so if you get the opportunity please watch them,  I am trying to think of a joke and the only one that comes to mind right away is about an Animal Doctor who can talk to the animals, so here goes:  Lets call him Dr Doolittle, he can talks to his animal patients.  So, one day he opens up shop near the Emerald city of Oz.  That morning his first patient is a frog, as he lets frog in his office he asks frog what he can do for him today.  Frog hops up on desk and says "Doc this is kind of personal and embarrassing" the Doc tells him, "Look I am a Dr and there is nothing you you can't tell me", so frog says "Well, my penis is yellow and I am worried", the Dr says "Let me have a look at it ", and sure enough it is bright yellow.  The Dr scratchs his head and said "I am really stumped frog, I am afraid you will have to go see the wizard" So frog jumps down and hops out the door to go see the wizard.  The Dr calls in his next patient, an elephant comes in; the Dr asks him "Well Mr elephant  how can I help you?"  Elephant blushs and says "Well Doc this is kind of embarrassing" the Doc gives him the same speil about being a Dr and there is nothing to be embarrassed about; so Elephant says " I have blue balls" and he shows the Dr.  The Doc is really amazed, he has never treated an elephant with blue balls, so he says "Sorry, I can't help you, you will have to go to see the wizard" Elephant looks at him and says "Look Doc I am in town with the circus, I don't know how to find the Wizard"  The Dr says "No problem elephant just follow the yellow dicked toad".  Sorry to all of those who have already heard the joke, it was the only one I could think of.  It was told to me many years ago by someone I love.  I hope it made you smile.
It is now officially tomorrow, so Good Night All.

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011..............12:08a.m.

Monday Night Post

I just recieved a call this afternoon that I should be at a meeting in Hanover at 10:30 tomorrow morning.  This is something I want to do, so, I will do my best to be there.  Therefore no long, introspective things tonight.  As spring approachs I want to wish everyone a Happy New season and leave you with this message before I go to bed:  "Remember that when the world quiets down to the sound of our own breathing, we all want the same things; comfort, love and a peaceful heart"..................Goodnight

Monday, March 14th, 2011................11:20p.m.

Back To Cocooning, Relinquishing And Your Future

I was just looking at my last three posts and I seem to have been all over the map the last few days.  So, possibly tonight/this morning I will try to tie some of these thoughts together, as well as adjust to the time change.  The clock on my computer says 12:07a.m., however my body and my mind says it is an hour earlier than that.The good thing about being A 70 Something Woman is that what time I get up and go to bed really arn't important, unless I have an appointment and I don't.  Therefore I am allowed to cocoon as often as I need to.  It also means that I have a lot of time to read the news, watch the news and get very depressed when I read about the devastation in Japan, New Zealand, Haiti and to many other places that are experiencing floods, earthquakes, wars, droughts and all kind of other terrible things.  It sometimes makes me want to cocoon, relinquish everyhing that I might be hoarding and hope that the future gets a lot better for the world.  It is sad that it takes so much devastation to remember how fortunate I am right now.  Right now I know that my family are all warm, not hungry and I hope not frightened.  I have also noticed something lately that I don't like; with all the talk on the radio and TV about all the tradegies, I find I am becoming hardened to the pain and loss of so many people in so many parts of the world.  It is kind of like I am sponge and I have absorbed all of the sorrow and pain for all these peoples that I can, it is like I need to wrung out so I can absorb more.  I don't know what I can do for people in Japan or Australia or anywhere else.  I remember that I used to feel this, on a smaller scale of course, when I was working with individuals in their own emotional pain and turmoil.  Some nights I would go home and just be quiet, no radio, no TV, just silence.  I didn't want to hear one more persons pain, not on TV, not in a song, nowhere,  During those times I would the sleep of a drugged person, not a restful sleep, more like a pass out sleep, with out the drugs or alcohol.  I don't miss that part of my life.  Tonight I am grateful that I do know that those I love, all of those I love are as well and safe as anyone can be in this world and I hope they sleeping and dreaming sweet dreams.

Manana

Monday, March 14th, 2011..........1:37a.m.

"If You Could Foresee Your Future Absolutely, You Would Have No Future"

This is part of a line that I heard in a movie called Payday, while I was watching T.V. today.  The entire line went something like; "If you could foresee your future absolutely, you would have no future.  All mystery and hope would be gone."  I have to agree with that.  It isn't something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about prior to today.  I am so glad that I havn't been able to foresee my future and still can't.  There are so many things that I would have given up on, had I known the inevitable outcome, and in doing so I would lost a lost deal.  Perhaps I could have prevented a great deal of hurt and pain, but isn't that what teaches us life's most important lessons.  I am reminded of a a piece of prose called "In The valleys We Grow".  When we feel we are on top of the world we don't learn a great deal, we don't have to, hell, we are on top of the world, why learn anything.  But when we are in the valleys, when we fall or are pushed off the mountain, then we have to learn, then we have to find or develop resourses that we need to survive.  Think for a minute, we have all been there. There is also a song by Garth Brooks, I don't know all the words but I remember the line "And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go, I might have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance".  To me the dance is life.  Sometimes we get second chances, sometimes we don't, consider yourself extremely lucky if you do and this time enjoy the dance (your life).

Afternoon Thoughts

Sunday, March 13th, 2011.............5:46p,m.

Cocooning

I had an E mail from one of my favorite people earler today.  She mentioned she was cocooning.  I looked it up, just to make sure they agreed with my version and this is what I found: "Cocooning"  "The act of insulating or hiding oneself from the main environment when it is percieved as distracting, unfriendly, dangerous, or otherwise unwelcome."  That is what I thought so it is probably true.  What I don't agree with is the negative conontation that seems to go with the word.  Why wouldn't you insulate or hide yourself from something that was unfriendly and dangerous?  What kind of a moron would expose themselves to anything dangerous or unfriendly?  Words have such power, especially when we use them against ourselves.  I have apologized for "cocooning", when I really felt that was what I had to do.  Isn't that what caterpillars do when they are metamorphizing into something beautiful?  Something we all look at with amazement and joy.  Yea, the butterfly.  And perhaps that is what we are doing when we cocoon, sometimes it is our time to metamorphize.  When I was between 8 and 9 years old, of course it was summer, there was no winters in my childhood memories, perhaps I cocooned through all of them, anyway that summer I had to walk to through a field everyday, probably for school or something, I saw a caterpillar making a cocoon, I watched for as long as I could then left, many weeks or perhaps a month or more later, I watched the beautiful orange and red and brown butterfly be born.  it was wet and it it couldn't move its wings for a little while, but soon it did and it flew.  As an 8 year old, I decided that was what God was, She was a caterpillar that became a butterfly.  That is the closest I had ever came to a religous experience.  It still is the closest I have come to a religous experious.  So cocoon as long as you have to little girl, soon you won't be crawling anymore, you will be flying.

Night Time Thoughts

Saturday, March 12th, 2011.........11:06p.m.

"Anything You Can Not Relinquish When It Has Outlived It's Usefulness, Possess's You"

That is a quote I heard and I forgot to write down who said it.  It has stuck with me because I have so much difficulty parting with things.  I have a house with a full basement that is full of things.  The house is 3 to 4 hours from here, so I obviously don't need these things all that bad.  But I know they are there, and the three or four times a year that I visit my house it pleases me to see the things all right where I left them.  I think it makes me feel safe.  There are clothes hanging in my closet, books on the bedstand, the dresser, the end tables, hell there are books everywhere, just like my room here.  There are my, actually my mother's dishes in the cupboards, knitting in a bag that I haven't worked on for years, and pictures and oraments on the mantle over the fireplace.  Pictures my son bought and gave to me hanging on my walls and the house is full of furniture.
One of the reasons for not getting rid of many of these things is I feel they are not really mine.  The house was furnished by my mother and step father, my mother died in 1986 and my dad in 1996, and it is only 2011.  Well yea, I guess that is a long time.  There are drawers full of letters and pictures from my sister, who died in 1994 and old recipes from mother.  I don't cook, havn't in more years than I like to remember.  So what is wrong with this picture???  This is going to be a hell of a mess for my kids when I die and they may find a few things that I would just as soon they didn't, but that doesn't bother me enough to do a thorough house cleaning.  Luisa, the Granddaughter Of My Soul, has helped me to get rid of a number of things from my bedroom.  I feel safe with her doing it and I know she won't be embarressed by anything we find.  She never knew my mother or my step father so it is easier for her to be objective.
I learned a real important lesson when I came here to my daughters three years ago for two weeks and never went back, even for a visit, for a year.  I think I brought 3 changes of clothes and some extra underwear.  The lesson being I didn't really need the ton of clothes ranging in size from 8 to 22.  Clothes have always been a problem for me.  I hate shopping but when I can collect clothes from a yard sale or the Salvation Army, I get as many as I can cram into closets, drawers, boxes and whatever.  Then I find 3 or 4 outfits that are suitable for the season and that is all that I ever wear, I just wear them wash them and wear them again, while all the rest sit in drawers, closet or wherever.  Perhaps I am hoarder, I really hope not, and for some reason I think there is something deeper than that, but that is probably what hoarders think too.  Too tired to go any deeper into my tired mind right now.

Early Morning Thoughts........Saturady, March 12th, 2011............1:21 a.m.

Our Sense Of Smell

It has been proven that our sense of smell, (our olfactory sense) is the oldest sense and the most developed of our five recognized senses.  Perhaps a little more with me, as my sight was so bad for the first 10 years of my life.
The smell of Old Spice is good for me, although I dislike perfume of any kind.  My first step father used it all the time.  The smell of bacon frying makes me happy, not sure why but I have a couple of ideas.  The smell of Ponds Cold Cream (do they make that anymore?) reminds me of my mother, and strangely not in a bad way.  The smell of fresh cut lumber is a good smell to me. my last step father and my son worked together for some time in his carpentry business, so it reminds of them and happy times.  The smell of lifeboy soap scares me, in fact it used to terrify me.  I looked after a couples children once and was in their laundry room whe I smelt it and I started to shake and had to leave that room quicky.  I later discussed it with my therapist and with a little regression therapy realized that was what my step brother used, so the smell was on him.  The smell of baby powder makes me smile, it reminds me of my children as babies.  I love everything about libraries especially the smell, to me books actually have a smell, a good one.  The smell of cabbage cooking makes me nausous, my mother cooked with cabbage a lot.  I do like cabbage raw, but the smell of it cooking makes me ill.
People have their own smell and I don't mean added perfumes or deodorants, but there own smell.  I researched it and people who love each other can recognize the tee shirts worn by their loved one.  There was an actual study done where 10 men were asked to wear a tee shirt for one day, with no deodorant or perfume of any kind, the tee shirts were all exactly the same, plain white shirts.  At the end of the day their wives or signifigant others were asked to pick out their partners tee shirts by smell alone and all 10 were able to do so, not so unusal as animals recognize their young through smell.  I think I could have recognized my babies through smell.  The smell of laundry fresh off of the clothesline is a delightful smell to me.  I remember hanging out my babies diapers, (definately pre dryer days) and just hugging them close to me, I really remember that smell.  There are so many other examples but that is it for now.
After Midnight Thoughts...............Friday, March 11, 2011.........12:31a.m.

The Six Most Seductive/Terrifying Words In The English Language

"I Will Take Care Of You"  For me these words hold such power.  I long to hear them, yet they terrify me. According to the therapist who I had seen and trusted for so many years that is because no one ever took care of me when I needed it most, in infancy and early childhood.  Notice that all 6 words are all one syllable, none more than four letters.  The type of language that a small child would use.  I have a rather extensive vocabulary, you would think that I could come up with a few more sophisticated words, but no, these words are the words I want to/fear hearing.  I used to think that was because my mother couldn't love me, hell, she didn't even like me, but now as A 70 Something Woman, I believe that probably it was a father that I was looking for.  My own father left us when I was 3 years old, I don't really remember him.  It is strange that I never was angry with him for leaving, I was angry at him for not taking me with him.  I had a step father from age 4 until I was 23 and he was a good man, he had some weird kids, but he was basically a good man.  He probably did care for me as much as my mother would let him, and that wasn't much.  I had another step father when I was a young woman, also a good man, God knows I tried to turn him into my father after my mother died.  I was in my 50s when he died and he did take care of me while he was alive and to the best of his ability when he died.  I did a lot of growing during those years, back to school, a new career, and you would think "I Will Take Care Of You" wouldn't have the same power over me, and sometimes it doesn't, yet there are still times when I want to hear it, yet when I do I want to run because it is so hard for me to believe, I think I am afraid to believe it.

Midnight Thoughts

Wednesday, March 9th, 2011...........11:58p.m.

"Care Of The Soul" Thomas Moore (Author)

This is the title of a book given to me by a good friend.  I havn't read much of it yet, as it is a book that shouldn't be swallowed whole, which I tend to do with most books.  Here is a line from the introduction that I like; "Tradition teachs that soul lies midway between understanding and unconsciousness, and and that it's instrument is neither the mind or the body, but imagination."  I really like that idea, that my imagination and my soul are so attached.  Where would we be without our imaginations?  For me life would be much greyer and darker.  When I am totally alone, when the hydro is out and TV and Internet are not working, when even I am unable to read, I can go to imagination.  I can be somewhere beautiful, with someone I really enjoy.  I can be happy.  To me it is somewhat like a pleasant dream.  Possibly my imagination is so developed because it had to be when I was so young, when I had to find a safe place to go.  For whatever reason I am grateful for it.  I will be writing more about it as I read more of the book.
Close to midnight now and I am off to bed, hopefully to have one of those pleasant dreams.

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011............11;54p.m.

Surrender

Here are some dictionary definitions of surrender; Yield, Capitulation and Relinquish.  My favorite is simpler, it is "Stop Fighting".  That is much easier for me to say/write than it is for me to do.  When I, or probably anyone is fighting, figuaratively or literally, there is a kind of a momentum that develops and like any "momentum" (the impetus of a moving object, equal to the product of its mass and its velocity) it is difficult to stop when it is in motion.  If you have ever been in a heated argument or disagreement you know how difficult that is to do.  I am learning to do that, just stop fighting.  There is an amusing side to this also.  The other person involved in the argument doesn't know what to do when you "stop fighting".  Sometimes they just stand there gulping and gasping like a fish out of water.  This is a work in progress for me and I am still learning the art of stopping fighting.  Something that helps me is asking myself "How important is it anyway"? The answer usually is "not very".  Occasionally the answer will be that it is very important, when that happens I can still surrender and try a different method of getting what I need.  As my dad used to say "There is more than one way to skin a cat'.  A weird thing to say, as I would never consider skinning a cat, but then I have never wanted to kill two birds with one stone,,,,,,,,,,,,,wow, I could go on and on, must be tired.

Monday, March 7th, 2011............11:40p.m.

I Want To Be Who I Was When I Wanted To Be Who I Am Right Now" Leah MacCharles ...........Granddaughter Of My Spirit

My grandaughter Leah sent me this quote today.  Leah shares something in common with all my granddaughter; she is both beautiful and intelligent.  I really lucked out when it comes to grandchildren and I am so grateful for that.  Linda, my eldest daughter was at my daughters home, where I live, when 3 of my granddaughters were there visiting.  I went up to my room for something and Linda heard one of the girls say "Hey, we are missing out on Grandma time".  Linda told me later that she really hoped she could have that relationship with her grandchildren, I hope she can too, because it is beyond wonderful.
What your quote means to me Leah, is that it is the journey that counts, sometimes more than the destination.
How wise you are to recognize this already, it took me much longer.  I have heard so many women say "I will be happy when I finish school, I will be happy when I have a good job, I will be happy when I meet the right man and have children, etc etc.  When I hear that what I really hear is "I won't be happy until then".
I remember when you and your sisters went to Disneyland with your dad and Sheila, I hope that you enjoyed the journey there as well as the Disneyland experience, which I know you all enjoyed.  You definately are the granddaughter of my spirit and I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished and continue to accomplish.  Enjoy it all Leah, not just the end results but the entire experience.  Evening Thoughts

Sunday, March 6th, 2011...............11:38p.m.

Absence Of Pain..........Equals Happiness

This may be one of the few quotes that I claim as my own.  And I used to believe it absolutely.  Whenever I mention pain I am always talking about emotional pain as well as physical pain.  Most of us have experienced enough physical pain to know the relief when we are given a shot of morphine, an epideral or whatever.  But what about emotional pain?  What stops our emotional pain? Our fear and hurt; what stops it?  Unfortunately for many of us the same things that stops our physical pain.  I believe that is why there are so many addictions.  What stopped the pain of loss or betrayal?  If that pain was brought about by a relationship loss, then what better cure than another relationship, any relationship.  Or many substances worked for me, sometimes these substances were liquid in form, sometimes they came in pill form.  Enough of them and I felt nothing and to me feeling nothing was preferable to the pain or hurt.
As a very young child, I think 6 1/2 years old, because I only remember summer in my childhood, I never can remember winter.  Anyway at that age during that summer I attempted to tell my mother that my eldest step brother was touching me, hurting me, scaring me.  Her respnse to me was to stand up, shove her finger in my face and tell me "Dayle, don't you make trouble in this family".  I don't know how most 6 year olds would process this information but I never discussed this matter again with anyone until I was 40 years old.  I was in therapy at that time and it took over a year of seeing the same therapist before he finally asked me "How old were you when you were first raped"?  I almost lied to him and denied it, but for some reason I thought he had these magical powers ( I still kind of think so) and I told him the truth.  I was also seeing him about my addictions.  It was strange once I had said the words after almost 35 years of saying them the first time, and having someone hear me, all kinds of things began to fall into place.  I think it is called healing.  I am not even sure if Bernie is still alive, but if you are Thank You Bernie.  You started the process, it has taken a long, long time and a lot of work but you started it and I continued it.   Afternoon Thoughts.

Suncay, March 6th, 2011...........3:53p.m.

When The Time Is Right

I have learned that I do not always have to know what to do or where to go next.  Except for routine things like getting out of bed, showering and eating , the truth is I don't usually know exactly where I should go or what I should do next.  Not working has left me without the routine that I used and depended on for so many years.  When I work now it is usually for only a few days or a week at a time.  During those times I find myself falling back into the routine, and I have to admit it is a comfortable feeling.  Only now I don't get in my car and go to the office to meet with clients, instead I let dogs and cats out, feed them, water them and spend the rest of the time just loving them.  In many ways a more pleasant thing to do than what I was used to doing.  My former job involved a lot of crisis, most people don't come to see a therapist because everything is going so well.  There was a lot of chaos in my work, now there is little to none in my life.  Unless of course I create it, and I try really hard not to do that.  I don't want to run on adrenalin anymore. The time is right for me for Peace, Love and Understanding.  The time is is right To Be Myself.         Evening Thoughts.

Saturday, March 5th, 2011.........10:49p.m.

Be Who You Are

This is the title of todays message in my daily morning reading from the book "The language Of Letting Go" written by Melody Beattie.  Here is the opening paragraph:  "When I Meet New people Or Get In A New Relationship, I Start Putting All These Repressive Restrictions On Myself.  I Can't Have My Feelings.  Can't Have My Wants And Needs.  Can't Have My History, Can't Do The Things I Want, Feel The Feelings I Am Feeling, Or Say What I Need To Say. I Turn Into This Repessed, Perfectionistic Robot, Instead Of Being Who I Am: ME
(Anonymous)

No wonder it is so difficult to start new relationships, make new friends; no wonder people stay in unhealthy relationships, at least they are familiar, even the discomfort and pain of them are familiar.  Right now I want to congratulate everyone who has had the intestinal fortitute, o.k. guts, to leave the familiar discomfort and start over; to take that risk of being alone with themselves for a while and not settling for the first person who seems to fill the void of emptiness.  I have done this a few times, sometimes by choice, sometimes like 3 years ago, when it forced on me.  I was fortunate in that I had family, however, inside me I felt alone and I endured that aloneness for as long as I had to until slowly, so damn slowly, I began to heal.  I am so glad in retrospect that I took those long months, perhaps more than a year before I ventured out again to find potential friends.  Because I had that alone, lonely time I think I made better choices.  I do have friends again, perhaps I will have love again, I hope so, I am even beginning to think so.  I came into these relationships and will continue to come to them as myself, not as someone who I think you want and need me to be.  I am o.k. "Being Who I Am".  And it only 70 something years to get here, pretty sad, but not as sad as those who never arrive at all.............Thoughts In The Afternoon..........

Saturday, March 5th, 2011..............2:44p.m.

"To Be Who We Are Means We Accept Our Past---Our History---Exactly As It Is" Melody Beattie

Being who I am is sometimes a problem, especially when I am not sure exactly who or what I am.  For many years I tried to be who or what others thought I should be, and sometimes I tried to be who or what I thought I should be.  This left me as a composite of many people and I lost, if I ever knew who I really am, I liked the quote about accepting our past.  I have tried to rewrite my past so many times.  My past felt wrong, dirty, unacceptable to even me, so how would the truth sound to you?  In the past few years I have attempted to share my true history with a very few people, usually the reception was good, sometimes not, sometimes I saw what I interpreted as looks of revulsion on the faces of those I had confided in, true those were isolated incidents, but it doesn't take many of those looks to close my mouth and my mind to trusting someone else. Most people however, were receptive and it often seemed to give them permission to share some of their own past.
My past doesn't have the same power over me anymore.  I have forgiven myself and I have accepted fully those who refuse to forgive me, I have let them go literally and figuratively.  I am at peace with that, finally.  I am finished apologizing for youthful indiscretions and even ones made in my middle years.  I have learned that when I know better, I do better.  And I am doing better....Thats it for tonight.

Friday, March 4th, 2011..........10:11p.m
.

Sent To Me By Jasmine...Granddaughter Of My Heart

She Thought I might enjoy it, she was right.  She knows me well.

Love You Jasmine

read this, and thought you would enjoy it
love u xo

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

"You Are Not A Body With A Soul, You Are A Soul With A Body" And Evan From Heavon

I believe it was Wayne Dwyer who used this quote, but not entirely sure.  I like it though.  It seems to me that most of us are so concerned with our bodies and don't give our souls all that much thought.  And perhaps there are valid reasons for that.  Apparently the shape and  condition of our bodies is what first attracts the opposite sex and without that the birth rate might drop, not a really good thing, as I have been told by someone who visits my blog that the birthrate is now 1.7 not 2.4 like I earlier stated, I must have been using figures from before I became a 70 Something Woman.  However, no matter how much dieting (my specialty) or surgery, or botox, the body eventually ages and dies.  It is my personal believe that the soul stays forever.  So why so much attention to the body and for most of us so little for the soul?  Possibly because it is harder to see, unless you know where to look.  I quite ofen find the soul in the eyes of people, it is also often found in the words used by people, the tone of voice and always in the actions.  You can't always touch someones body (probably a good thing) but you can usually reach their soul.  Just my thought for the day.
My daughter returned home today, she brought her 1 year old grandson, Evan from heavon with her.  He is going to be with us until Saturday.  Evan doesn't really care about his body, and it is perfect,  He is a beautiful child, as are all babies.  People, society, and all that entails havn't had time to write on his mind yet.  I always think of babies like I think of a brand new blackboard, that has never been written on.  I suppose people have already started to write on his baby mind, I hope there are wonderful, positive messages there.  I will attempt to do a little of that myself, telling him what a wonderful, perfect being he is.  I think this will imprint on his soul as well as his brain.  We all need this as long as we are alive otherwise we can become soul deprived as well as skin deprived.  We are going all going to watch Treehouse for a few hours before his bedtime.  perhaps I will add more to this blog later.

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011..............7:50p.m.

"When I Let Go Of What I Am I Become What I Might Be" Lao Tzu

I have a real affection for Eastern philosophy and I suppose if I were forced to have a religion I would choose Buddhism.  When I heard this quote I  thought how true and applicable to myself. I also thought this was saying that we have to surrender the ego to achieve this state.  On the rare occasion that I have been able to do that (the times are becoming numerous the 70er I get) I realize that whatever I was holding on so tight to really wasn't all that important, except to maintain some kind of illusion that I probably created in the first place.  So many of the things, ideas etc that I held so tightly were quite often not even things that I really aspired to, they were however things that were familiar and for most of us familiar is something we think is good, even if it is familar pain.  I have found it be very liberating to let go of many things and ideas, uncomfortable but freeing.  I will think on this tonight and perhaps write more tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011............11:48p.m.