Almost Christmas

Today my son in law asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  Apparently I am hard to buy for; I don't wear makeup or jewellery and I really don't care about fashion.  My criteria for dressing is "is it clean and does it fit"?  It was nice to realize that I already have everything I need and want.  Winning a lottery would be a real nice bonus but not necessary to making me happy or complete.  I have finally reached the age (It's about time) when I know that my family and my friends make my life so wonderful.  This Christmas, as far as I know everyone I love is healthy and I thank God, in my case the Universe for that.

Merry Christmas All

Afternoon Thoughts

Wednesday, December 21st...........2:31p.m.

"Things Are Meant To Be Used, People Are Meant To Be Loved" First Born

It is so easy to get these things confused, especially in the materialistic world that we live in.  How often have you heard "I love my new car, dress , house etc etc".  And how little we hear "I love my child, grandchild, spouse, neighbour or friend".  Perhaps it is just me but I seem to hear the first sentence a lot more than I hear the second, and I have been guilty of expressing my love for my car, house etc.  I sometimes forget that cars, houses, clothes can be replaced, whereas a child, parent, or friend cannot be replaced.  I have a difficult time letting go of "things"; things seem to represent security and safety.  Yet I wonder what the person who has just been diagnosed with a life threatening condition thinks.  How many of them think " I really want to put on my new dress that I love",  very few I would think.  If and when this happens to me I hope there will be person who I love and who loves me that will hold me at that moment.

Afternoon thoughts

Tuesday, November 13, 2011..........1:46p.m.

Trauma

Today I learned something knew.  It is always a good day when that happens. There is something about learning that has always been a natural high for me.

Trauma is derived from the Greek word "wound".  Because of my past and my work life, when I hear the word trauma I always think of it in psychological terms.  I did some wikipediaing and here is what I got
"Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a dramatic event."  That is a pretty broad take on the word. 

We have all experienced this type of damage at sometime in our life.  A death, particularly an unexepected one, like a suicide or an accident will leave you with a lot of trauma.  Any sudden loss, like being terminated from a job you have held for 17 years will certainly do it.  Learning that your child or anyone you love is in trouble or in danger will leave you traumatized everytime.

The main difference between phyical and psychological trauma is that when you have been phyically traumatized there is almost always visible evidence of the trauma; there will be bruising, bandages or perhaps a cast.  The world can look at you and know you are hurting.  That is not the case with psychological trauma, it is unseen, no visible bandages.  There is not even a scar, except inside, inside you are really scarred.  So often I have looked in a mirror when I was depressed or anxious and thought how much earier this would be if people could look at me and see my pain.

Afternoon thoughts

Monday, December 5th, 2011.......4:09p.m.

The Narration Of Memory

Let me start with the dictionary meaning of narration: "A story or account of events or experiences whether true or ficticious".

I heard the four words in the title on my favorite radio station.  I am sure there were more than four words, however these are the words that sort of burned into my brain.  When this happens I tuneout everything else and my brain goes on it's marathon run.

Now that I am 73 years old, I can tell you about an event that happened when I was 7 or 27 or 47 years old.  I can relate the events exactly as they happened.  Or can I?  Have I changed the story to make myself more of victim and less of the villain?  Have I added or deleted facts that make the story more interesting than it really was?  I may have changed details to make myself look better, or stronger.  And I may have done these things without conscious thought.

I remember talking with my sister when we were both in our 40s.  We were disscussing and remembering a traumatic event that had happened over 20 years ago when we both in our 20s.  I was shocked how differently we rememered the event.  The event was the same, yet our memories and our feelings around the event were so different.  Niether of us were lying, and I am sure that we would have sworn our version of that day and that event was the accurate one.  The mind and memory are strange things.  Possibly we change events or memories to make ourselves more comfortable with the event or perhaps even to keep ourselves sane.

I have been so sick the last week with some kind of virus that I am surprised that I even recall the title of this blog.  I did recall it however, therefore it must have been important to me.  It is good to be back and writing again.

Afternoon Thoughts, Monday,November 28th, 2011.............3:05p.m.

A Harriet Beecher Stowe Quote

"There are more tears shed for Word Left Unspoken and Deeds Left Undone"  That is not the complete quote but it says what I am feeling and thinking right now.  Many times I have missed the opportunity to speak the words I wanted to say, sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of embarrassment.  I have also left deeds undone for the same reasons.  I have many examples but for whatever reason can't write them tonight.
Perhaps I will write them in my private journal and read them aloud to myself, just to hear them and see I feel seeing them in print  and hearing them out loud.

I am working for the next three days so that will give time to work on this project.  I will write more when I get home.

Sunday, November 13, 2011........10:41p.m.

My 73rd Birthday

Was wonderful.  It was spent with the people I love most and those who couldn't make it telephoned and/or facebooked me.  At the end of the day I was priviledged to attend a first A.A. Birthday for a lady who has become very special  to me.  I am her A.A. sponser and in that year I have come to love her.  She helped to make my birthday even more special.

I got up on the morning of November 7th, and was kissed by someone who loved me, I walked down the stairs using my own legs, poured a cup of coffee that was made for me by my baby girl, as it is every morning, and like every other morning I whispered a thank you to her.  I went for lunch with a loved one, then came home, to the warm, inviting home where I am so lucky to live.  I took telephone calls from family and friends who couldn't be there while sitting in my so comfortable armchair.  Then had a turkey dinner prepared my baby girl, who manages to look after me with so much love that it doesn't even feel she is doing it.  After dinner I went to the A.A Birthday and saw all kinds of other friends.  I recieved gifts and I am grateful for them; but mostly I am grateful for the loving friends and family that I shared the day with.  It might get better than that...but I have no idea how.

Afternoon Thoughts

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011...........5:28p.m.

Work Untitled.......By My Special Grandson, James D. Fries

                    WORK UNTITLED

Give us your weak, your young and your old. 

And please turn your head while we beat down your bold. 

Oh we'll trade you this Earth, for dollars and gold... 

And hope your mind's not re-arrangin'...

Please look over here, while we go over there,

The times, they are a-changin'.

Did no one not tell you, it is wrong to ask why?

Just shut your damn face while we scorch out your sky,

Oh the truth that we speak, is never a lie,

And we'll spank ya for any complainin'.

Misdirection look left, no detection left, right?

The times, they are a-changin'.

We'll dig and we'll take till-there-no back left to break.

Two sides to the face means we make no mistake,

Oh the stories we tell, are in print so not fake...

Don't ask while we spread that contagion...

We bought up the news and we sold it as trues

Yea the times, they are a-changin'.

We hide ugly truth and we bury the proof.

Investigate not for we'll call you a spoof,

oh and here's your tax break, for when shit hits the roof.

Just oil the machine it needs changin'...

You'll buy and consume and and you won't dare presume,

for the times, they are a-changin'.

We hope you dislike, this wit, song, and dance.

We hope that you'll buy your 200 buck pants

And if you should decide that for once you just cant...

We'll put them on sale so you're savin'

You'll go to your grave, while we still misbehave

Yea we hope, the times are not changin'.

James Fries, 2011

My Grandchildren are all so talented.

Thank you first born of my own baby.

Your Grandma is so proud of you.

Pantheism

Is the view that the Universe (nature) and God (or divinity) are identical. Pantheists thus do not believe in a personal anthropomorphic or creator God.  The word is derived from the Geek (pan) meaning all and the Greek (theos) meaning "God".  A such Pantheism denotes the idea that God is best seen as a process of relating to the Universe.  Although their are divergencies within Pantheism, God is identical with the Universe.

I really like this definition of this possibility.  This is something I could wrap my mind around much easier than what I was force fed as a child.  I like the idea of praying, or asking for help with my eyes open and my head up, rather with bowed head and eyes lowered, I did that enough as a young woman when I was shamebased.

I rather like Pantheism, perhaps I will do more studying on the subject.

Afternoon Thought

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011.............3:07p.m.

Blue Moons

For a long time I didn't know what a blue moon was.  I seem to have a lot of curiosity and when I hear old sayings like "Once In A Blue Moon" eventually I will have to know where that came from amd what it means.  So, just in case you didn't know here it is: A blue moon happens when there are 2 full moons in one month.  I believe a lunar month has 28 days, if you had a full moon on the 2nd of the month you would have another in 28 days on the 30th.  This happens more often than I would have thought, according to my reasearch it will happen 7 times in 19 years.

Just more random trivia but at least I am staying away from the dreaded anxiety and depression.  I don't know why I gather and retain this probably useless information, but there you have it, I do.

Tuesday, November 1st, 2011.....10:14p.m.

Random Trivia

l almost didn't blog tonight, but I hate breaking promises to others and especially breaking them to myself.  Last night I was thinking that I seem to have a lot of useless information stored away in my brain.  So I will share one piece with you tonight.

Maybe most of you know where the term "Ragtime" music came from.  I didn't up until a few years ago when I read about it.  According to source that I read ragtime music was coined in the United States over a hundred years ago. In houses of ill repute (don't you love that term) when the working ladies were having their monthly menstral cycle they were expected to still entertain the male customers.  Since they couldn't do their usual gig, these ladies were to dance instead.  These women were referred to as "being on the rag" and the music was called ragtime.

Interesting huh....................

Monday, October 31st, 2011............10:21p.m.

Leonard Cohen Lyrics

"Forget your perfect offering.  There is a crack in everything; That is how the light gets in."  I heard this song on my car readio this afternoon while driving to meet a friend for lunch.  All I remember are these 3 lines.  They were enough to get my mind bending and twisting with feeling.  I thought "there is no perfect thing and if there was it would probably be kind of boring.  Even in rare works of art it is the little imperfections that makes them special.

Think about it; when your child started to talk, I'll bet it was the word that they mispronouced that you remember, that you will still remember and talk about 30 years later.  There is a crack in everything and that is how the light gets in.  And without the light we wouldn't be able to see it at all.

Afternoon Thoughts

Sunday, October 30, 2011.............5:12 p.m.

Salt

I know a little bit about salt.  Some of it I learned from the CBC, my favorite source of information, the rest I have researched.  Up until over a hundred years ago salt was used as a currency in many parts of the world.  If you ever wondered where the saying came from "He is not worth his salt." now you know.  Many words came from the practise of using salt as a currency, among them are "salary" and "soldier".  Apparently for a long time men who fought for their country were paid in salt.  Many think that salts ability to preserve food played a great part in the civilization of our world.

I believe the last salt tax was removed in 1947.  It has been documented that whatever controlled the salt supply almost always won the war, as the salt tax was usually used for weapons and of course to pay soldiers.  Apparently the words "A pinch of salt" had great meaning time when salt was a currency.

I am feeling some better, at least enough to write about something besides my own woes.  Sometimes I still feel that "I am not worth my salt".

Afternoon Thoughts

October 9th, 2001............5:01 p.m.

Gratitude List

Today I really want to gripe and bitch about many things.  I want to talk about my anxiety, depression, fears and most of all about the hurt I feel.  Instead I am going to make a "Gratitude List" because even I am tired of hearing myself whine.

I am grateful that I live in this house with this family.

I am grateful that I have lived for almost 73 years, so many I have known have had less time.  And a lot of those who were given less time didn't abuse their bodies with substances that I have.

I am grateful for bed.  It is so comfortable and inviting.

I am grateful to friends who will spend time with me, even when I am not the best company.

I am grateful that I have been alcohol free for almost 25 years.

I am grateful that the children I carried and gave birth to are healthy and as loving as they are, and to the ones that I didn't give birth to, that love me also.

I needed to do this.

Afternoon Thoughts

Friday, October 28th, 2011..........5:04 p.m.

Storms And Depressions

I am still climbing out of the deep pit of depression and anxiety.  And for reasons unknown, even to me, I have resisted one of the few things that will help; WRITING.

I have always had mixed feeling about storms.  Part of me find them exciting and the other part of me finds them very scary.  I went to the computer for definition of depression when applied to weather and here is what I found: "once a group of thunderstorms has come together under the right atmospheric conditions they will creat a depression".  What a great analogy fior the way I have been feeling.  The condition must have been right (I know they were)  to cause this atmospheric depression inside my head and body.

For those of you who have been fortunate enough to have never experienced anxiety and depression I will try to explain some of the feelings associated with it.  There is always a feeling pending doom.  A strong tendency to isolate, a feeling of not being safe, and for me a need of being structured, almost to point of OCD "obsessive compulsive disorder".  I may not want to be alone, yet when I am with someone I want to go home.  I usually need to talk, yet will feel unable to verbalize.  I woked in mental health for many years and know so much about the condition yet I am unable right now to apply that knowledge to myself except on a academic level.  There I have started.  Will write more on the theory of storms and depression tomorrow.

Thursday, October 28th, 2011...........1:42p.m.

Wisdom From A Friend

Thank You Karen

Getting Myself Pregnant And Other Misconceptions

I must be beginning to come out of my funk, either that or I am losing it completely, which would be preferrable to the anxiety I have been feeling.  For the past few days some of the ridiculous things that came from my mother's mouth has been running through my head.

When I was 15 years old and pregnant with my first born, I eventually had to tell my mother.  After I picked myself up from being thrown across the room and spit out the blood from my split lip, my mother began the often to be repeated refrain "You went and got yourself pregnant".  There were variations of the refrain but it all came back to getting myself pregnant.  A year and a half later I pulled off the same startling feat.  The first time I was absolutly sure who had been my co conspirator in achving my pregnant state.  The second time I have to admit I was not absolutely sure.  It turns out it was the same man..DNA don't lie.  My mother returned to her old refrain, this time adding "again", as in you got yourself pregnant (again).  I had replies in my head, like "yes Mother, me and the virgin Mary, only I apparently pulled it off twice".  I never spoke these words, I was to well acquainted with the wrath of my mother.

I left that marriage when I was 19.  At age 20 I remarried.  On our honeymoon we stopped at my mother's.  Practically the first words out of her mouth were "I hope you don't get yourself pregnant again......to late, my third child was born 9 months and 8 days after the wedding.  Five months later I truly believe "I got myself pregnant".  I kept waiting to hear those words leave her mouth, so I could at last agree with her.  She never said them.  I have always regretted that.  I really would have liked to share this information with her.  Eventually, mabye a year after the birth of my last child, I did try to tell her.  I said mom I had to have conceived my baby girl all by myself.  She just looked at me and said "don't be crazy".  Figures.......

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Tuesday, September 27, 2011...................3:48p.m.

Trying Again

Today I will try to explain this battle that I sometimes feel I am losing, and other times feel that I am gaining on.  Do you ever remember a time when you were a child and you did something really bad; something you knew you would be punished harshly for?  It is kind of like that, like waiting for your parents to find out.  And deciding to tell them yourself because you can no longer live with the waiting.  Another example:  What if you found a large lump in your breast and you had to wait until Friday to find out if it is benign or not.  It is like the nerves are on the outside of my body instead of under the skin.  That is the best way I can explain it and now I am finished trying.

I want to list somethings that I am grateful for, just to balance out the bitching part of my blog.  To friends I seen and spent time with this weekend, to Carol, Karen, Maureen and especially Harold for giving me the sancuary of his home.  I am grateful for my family, to Tami, my daughter for understanding, to Dennis just for being Dennis and to Jonathon for grandson love.  I am grateful for Jim who calls and seems to understand. I am grateful that I have a new Dr, who I will see on Friday.  I am going to try to blog everyday until this is over.

Whoa.............that was hard.  I hope tomorrow is easier.

Monday, September 26, 2011..........4:22p.m.

I Won't Walk Down This Street Again

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson Click on a chapter heading to learn more.
Chapter One I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost .... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.	Chapter Two I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.	Chapter FourI walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.Chapter Five I walk down another street.

I went to the hospital for an anti anxiety drug today.  Because I won'/can't walk down this street again.

Monday, September 12th, 2011............7:44p.m.

Sometimes..............I Am Speechless, Sometimes I Am Frozen

That is how I have been feeling the last few days.  I don't like this feeling, I guess no one does.  I feel uncertain about my footing.  I place each foot carefully in front of me, aware of my uncertainty.  A feeling like vertigo every time I move.  I don't want to talk, I worry the words might out wrong, get mixed up and rearranged in their delivery.  I think maybe I can drive safely to Paisley but not Port Elgin.  I may be o.k. for 15 minutes but not for an hour.  My face feels kind of numb, I am not sure about my expression.  I kind of shiver, put on a sweater, within minutes I am too warm, remover the sweater.  I am to tired to stand.  I lay down, but almost immediately get back up.  I am full of fear, doubt and free floating anxieties. I am afraid that I may shatter.  I can't tell you in words so I write it here.

Afternoon Thoughts And Feelings

Friday, Spetember 9th, 2011............2:00p.m.

"I Guess I Just Wasn't Made For These Times"

This is a title of a song by the Beach Boys.  I am not sure what year it was written but I am guessing the 70s.  Here is the first stanza of the song:

"I keep looking for a place to fit
where I can speak my mind
I've been trying hard to find the people
that I won't leave behind".

"Where I can Speak My Mind"........I guess this blog is that place for me.  I knew way, way back, more than 60 years back, that talking wasn't safe.  Words were never safe leaving my mouth.  I think I was always able to write better than I spoke, or at least writing was safer.  Recently I have realized that I rush in and out of my topics when I blog.  And the other day while talking to a friend I understood why.  "I am telling the secrets".  Sometimes I wish no one ever read my blog, that way I could write all of the secrets.  Some of these secrets are so old, some are older than me, and I wonder why I feel they still have to be kept.  What will happen to me if I tell all the secrets?  Would I be empty if all the secrets were gone? Already I am feeling anxious.  It is a start, this knowing.  Maybe some of the secrets are so old they have turned to stone, maybe ash, but they feel more like stone.

Afternoon Thoughts

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011............2:28p.m.

Dance With Dependencies

This is the title of a book written by Calvin Helin.  I heard an interview with him was I drove home today.  As usual I had the radio on CBC and just happened to catch this interview.  I will definately be buying his book or getting on a waiting list at the library for it.  He was quoting someone else when he said "The fastest way to destroy a person is to pay them to do nothing".  I havn't researched the quote yet, but you can be sure that I will and when I get a name I will put it in the next blog.

I understood the quote completely when I heard it.  I knew exactly what this person meant.  When a single person, or a group of people are given welfare by a government agency something is taken away from them; their self respect, self esteem and anything that makes them feel good about themselves.  If they ever had any incentive to work that is taken too.  They are never given enough to live healthily, just enough to exist.  In my previous life, when I chose to work with people who had mental issues that prevented their working, I observed what a disablility pension did to these people.  At first there was the relief that they would have income, then as time went by they realized that there would be enough to get ahead, to better themselves in anyway.  Knowing this does something, something bad, to the human spirit and you slowly but surely give up.
You learn to live without hope that things will ever get any better.  You learn to live with ill fitting dentures and taped up glasses.  Eventually when your dentures break, or just wear out, you have no choice but to learn to live with no dentures at all.  You learn not to smile or to put your hand over your mouth.  You learn a lot of things that human beings should never have to learn, because disability pensions don't cover dentures.  They don't even like to cover dental work on existing teeth and you sure as hell can't afford to pay a dentist.

I believe that Mr Helin is writing about our aboriginal peoples as that is what he is, where he was born and what he grew up with.  I think that that "dependencies" in the title of his book means alcohol and drug dependencies as well.  As I said, I havn't read the book yet.  But I will and I will comment more on it when I do.

Evening thoughts

Monday, August 29th, 2011...........10:41p.m.

"If It Ain't Broke...Break It" Robert J Kriegel

I heard these words this morning on CBC, where else.........Thank God I drive.  I hear most of my blog posts ideas on the radio station that I listen to.  I really liked this title, and wondered why?  Because I just like going against conventional thought?? Maybe.  But I was able to back my thought with some analogies.  I'll bet that slave owners, in the 18th and 19th century in United States and other countries, had that very idea.  Slavery was a system that to many must have seemed like a viable one.  To make it more personal and close to home; what about families where one person has all the power, where the rest of that family cater to this one powerful (loud) person?  I'll bet to him or her that seems like a good system.  In business if you want to keep the paycheque coming in you don't want to "rock the boat", thats for sure.  And Government where people on welfare live on less than $600 a month, while high government officials make six figure saleries plus huge bonus's.  I'll bet they think "hey, this is a great system".

I believe that there are many things that appear to be not broken that should be.  Another book that I need to read.  There are times when my biggest worry seems to be I will never live long enough to read all the books I need to, and perhaps I will not have the time or the courage to write all words that I need to.

Afternoon Thoughts

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011............1:47p.m.

"Before She Was A Mother, She Was A Woman"

More from My Mother Myself.  This is an ad that was run the week before Mother's Day in 1977.  It was run by a well known designer label for womens wear.  What kind of messages were we sending women in 1977, what kind of messages are we still sending women today?  Does it mean to other women that after you become a mother you lose your status as a woman?  Is it just me who thinks that when I read those words?  Before I became a mother I was a child.  It makes me understand why men find women, other than the mother of their of children so desirable.  Even though these women are Mothers, they arn't the mothers of their children.  Maybe having the child of your husband desexualizes you.  Maybe not.  I need another coffee before I go any further with this.  I am having difficulty wrapping my brain around these words.

Morning Thoughts

Thursday, August 25th, 2011............10:02 a.m.

My Mother's Birthday

My Mother would have been 91 years old today.  On Friday she will dead 25 years.  I am not sure how I am feeling about her and everything today.  Her birthday and death day came so close together.  For whatever reason I am feeling sad, tired and a little teary.  I wasn't going to blog, but I wanted to say something on this her birthday.  I am 6 years older than my mother was when she died, just seems strange.  I can no longer say I remember my mother when she was my age, I can't compare myself to her in any way.  I havn't been able to for 6 years.  Will go to bed early and read more "My Mother/Myself".  Appropriate?? I am not sure.

Wednesday, August 24th, 2011...........8:56p.m.

The Canadian Government And The CRTC

Are almost at the top of my least favorite things right now.  For weeks now I have been hearing the same thing on television, it goes something like this:

"The Government of Canada and the CRTC have decided (made law) that of August 31st, 2011 there will no more free reception or any reception from a TV antenna".  This is not a direct quote, but this is what has been decided.  There is something about analog and digital, I think most of us know what anal means and digit to me means a number or a finger or toe.  I can remember a time in my life when the only TV I or my children watched happened when we moved a metal coat hanger around on top of the TV.  I also remember when my children's father climbed up on the roof to put an antenna up so we would get more than 2 or 3 channels.

There are people I know today that have to decide if they use their monthly monies on rent and hydro or if they use it for food that is not 80% starch.  Not every family can afford a multi computer home, even though to get through school it is a necessity.  Now the Canadian Government and the CRTC are making sure that every family pays for cable or a satelite to watch anything on TV.  I would like to suggest that the Government of Canada and the CRTC do something with their digit and anal...og, but then I remember that I am a lady..........o.k. maybe not always a lady.

Monday, August 22, 2011.........10:28p.m.

More "My Mother/Myself"

I contine to read this book, forcing myself to slow down, trying not to speed read, as I normally do. I am finding some of the old feelings as I read and some new ones, perhaps I have changed, evolved.  I hope so.  Here is a paragraph that I highlighted:

"I only tell my mother what she wants to hear.  The inference is that the lie is an outgrowth of love.  I am merely translating into action my desire to protect my mother.  The fact is I become my mother's protector not because I am such a good daughter but to protect myself. In some part of my psyce I am still a child who is afraid of losing my mother's love even for the short space of an argument.  Telling the truth is a test; it lays bare what in fact goes on between two people."

I changed only the personal pronouns in this paragraph from we to me.  It just felt better to me, more honest.  The last sentence "Telling the truth is a test; it lays bare what in fact goes on between two people", really hit a nerve in me.  I realize that rather than risking losing someone I will quite often say what I think they want to hear.  This can be risky, even dangerous, as my power as a mind reader isn't always 100%.  Yet I lack courage to always be honest about my feeling, I think most of us do that, and for the few who don't I really envy you.

Afternoon Thoughts

Sunday, August 21st, 2011............ 2:01 p.m.

Deference Over Dominance

I hear words, a phrase, whatever and my brain goes into doing it's own thing.  The title words I heard Wednesday afternoon, as usual on CBC.  First let me give a dictionary description fo the words:

Deference..... A deffering or yeilding in judgment or opinion; polite respect

Dominance...... To control or rule by strength, to overlook from a superior height

I see a lot of attemped dominance around me.  This was especially evident when I worked.  It is very hard to escape in a working environment.  Government really likes dominance.  I see it in families, work places and organizations of any kind.

Quite often I will defer to another person, if only because I think that person knows more about the issue at hand.  Of course if I feel that I know more, have experienced more of what we are doing I would expect the other person to defer to me.  Dominance is usually about power, not always about common sense.  I wish people who wanted, demanded dominance understood that for every action there is a reaction. Then they might use that power more wisely.

The person on the radio who was discussing deference and dominance was a dog trainer.  Apparently dogs in a pack will always have a dominant or alpha leader, but the system that works well them is not dominance.
Dogs defer by nature to each other in a healthy way.  I quite often wish that people would pay more attention to their animal friends, there is much we could learn.

Morning Thoughts................

Friday, August 19th, 2011............9:48 a.m.

Advertising And Other Things That Annoy Me

I watch a lot of TV.  It is mindless entertainment and sometimes I learn something.  Recently I have learned how ridiculous advertising can be.  First, I want to know what is wrong with having wrinkles?? And do you have you any idea how many products there are availale to diminish, disguise and cover them up?  And have you a clue how much money you would have to spend to do this?  At 72 I don't many people under 27 who don't have a couple.  I am a firm believer in letting you spend your money any way you want, however, I just think you should know that no matter how much money you spend trying to hide them, they are still  under the stuff you have just smeared all over your face.  If you have toooo much money you can do laser surgery or real surgery and then wait a few months for them to reappear.  I still don't understand what is so shameful about aging.

As I sit in front of the TV I hear thing like "Use this chemical colouring stuff to make your hair look natural".  Is it just me or is that is a really stupid statement?  When I want my hair to look it's natural colour I don't have to put chemical stuff on it, I just have to wash it and leave it alone.  And another thing.........what's all this crap about mens hair looking good with "a little bit of grey".  What about women's hair? Why doesn't it look good with "a little bit of grey"?  Sometimes I think advertisers must believe we are really dumb and maybe we are, drug store aisles seem to have more of these products than anything else.  Just a couple of things that annoy me.

Thoughts in the afternoon

Wednesday, August 17, 2011............1:37p.m.

"I Always Lied To My Mother. And She To Me."

These are the two opening lines in the book "My Mother, My Self" written by Nancy Friday in 1977.  I read this book in 1978 while my mother was still living and have just started reading it again.  I very seldom read a book twice, so this one must have had a real impression on me 33 years ago.  I wonder how I will feel about this book now as compared to how I felt about it then.  I recall feeling fear while I read it 33 years ago, fear that my mother would somehow know I was reading it and disapprove.  My mother's approval was something I was always looking for and something I felt that I never got.  I remember hiding the book in a drawer in my bedroom so she wouldn't know I was reading it.

As a 70 Something Woman I realize that I never would have won the Mother of The Year award either, however, I don't think my children ever feared me.  I was always in awe of my children.  I think that being in awe of something means that you somewhat fear it, so perhaps I was one who feared my children, but I never consciously felt that way.  My feelings were more like "Wow, Look What I Did/Made", it was that kind of awesome feeling.  If anyone reading this knows my children you will know what I mean.  I will continue to read the book and update you on my feelings about this book now.  About the change in my feelings, the difference, if any that 33 years has made.

Thoughts in the afternoon

Monday, August, 12th, 2011...............2:19 p.m.

Skin Deprivation

Most people at some time in their lives will suffer from skin deprivation.  To me this simply means the lack of human touch.  From reading I have done (I do a lot) this is especially devasting to babies, who fail to thrive, perhaps even to survive when not held often.  Babies cry for a reason, sometimes that reason is simply because they want/need to be held.  I don't think we spoil babies when we pick them up and hold them, if we did I would have had the most spoiled children.

As a 70 something woman I have known a lot of people who have or are now suffering from lack of touching (skin deprivation).  I am very fortunate woman because my family is a very huggy bunch, perhaps because as babies they were held so much.  As people get older, especially if they live alone, there is less opportunity of getting hugged or held.  When I was working in the mental health field I made it a point to give everyone a hug at the beginning or end of a session, unless that person was uncomfortable being touched.  I really learned something through doing that, even men and women who were sometimes stiff as a board the first time I hugged them, came to look forward to that hug at the end of their session and many even intitated it or waited for it.  I realized then that for some of these people this could be the only human touch they were experiencing.  It was sometimes the beginning of getting well mentally and even physically for many people.
It seems to me that this is more of a problem for men than women.  For whatever reason women feel comfortable hugging other women, whereas men find this more difficult.  No matter how old we get there is a  part of us, the infant part that hopefully never goes away, craves human touch.

So, HUG SOMEONE TODAY

Thoughts in the afternoon

Friday August 12th, 2011............4:28p.m.

"Time Is Out Of Joint" Shakespeare's, Hamlet

Sometimes the strangest words catch my attention.  Not that I find Shakespeares work stange, well perhaps sometimes I do, however this line resonated strongly with me.  When I look back over my 70 something years time has been out of joint so often that is has more the rule rather than the exception.  When I became a mother, right after my 16th birthday, most of my friends still had a year or two to finish high school.  When I became a mother the second time, just before my 18th birthday, most of my peers were talking prom dresses and graduation.  After my first divorce at 20 most of my friends were thinking of getting engaged.  Things certainnly seemed backward and time seemed out of joint.

My first divorce was actually funny, but only in hindsight.  At the time it was frightening, sometimes terrifying.  In 1958 you had to be 21 years old to be given custody of your own children.  I wasn't therefore I could not be granted custody of my children.  In fact I was to young to get a divorce legally.....I hadn't been to young to get pregnant, get married, give birth twice, but I was to young to get divorced.  This was somehow overcome by having myself and my two children put in step father's custody, I chose him over my mother, if you had known my mother you would understand why.  I wish I still had my divorce papers, I am referred to as the infant (I was under 21) and the spinster (I had been unmarried previous to my marraige) in the same paragraph.  In 1958 the only grounds for divorce was adultery; I volunteered to be the infant adulteress, even at that age I thought the word "adulteress" was pretty neat.  However, the courts would not just take my word that I was guilty of adultery, I had to pay someone who I had never met $200 to swear that I had was guilty ( I developed a real respect for the law at a young age).

I became a grandmother at age 38, that same year two of my friends became first time mothers.  I began my real career when I was closing in on 50 years old, many people I knew were planning their retirement at that time.  Yup, "Time has certainly been out of joint for me".

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Wednesday, August 10th, 2011...........4;22p.m.

"Money Is A Way Of Keeping Score"...Donald Trump

Mind you it is only one of keeping score.  I don't like keeping score, it tires me out and I guess it just isn't the way the mind works.

In my 70 something years I have been what many would consider poor, although I don't think I ever felt poor.  Sometimes I felt scared, perhaps that is my way of feeling poor.  I have worked at jobs that payed less than minimun wage, I have held jobs that paid very well and I have volunteered, or given my time away.
I usually don't have a lot of good things to say about myself (bad self image??) but one thing that I like about myself is that I am resourceful.  For me, I have always found a way to make money if I really need or want it.

Perhaps it is good, or possibly bad genes, but my attitude about money seems to be uniquely my own.  I don't really like spending money, but I enjoy giving it away.  For me money wasn't meant to be spent, it was meant to save.  Money represented safety to me.  Most of my young life I felt that I was at the mercy of other people; for anyone who has ever experienced this feeling (everyone I know) you know how uncomfortable this feeling is.  I had a grandmother, my father's mother, who had more influence on me than she ever knew where money is concerned.  I was about 10 years old when I was telling her about books that I had read and I enjoyed.  She opened her purse and took out her bank book, I had never seen one before, she said "this is one of the most important books you will ever own, this book can make sure that you are never dependent on anyone".  I didn't get to spend a lot of time with this grandmother, my own mother wouldn't allow it.  And I don't think she ever realized how much her words and actions impacted on me.  As a child this woman was the only person that I felt asolutely sure loved me.  Perhaps that is why I remember most of what she told me in the few times we spent together.  I am grateful to my Grandma O'Neill and wish I had known her better.

Afternoon Thoughts

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011.........2:20p.m.

"Worrying Is Like Praying For Something You Really Don't Want"

I don't know where this quote originated, like so many others I heard it on the CBC radio station as I was driving home from Port Elgin this afternoon.  Lately this station has been fading in and out on me, so catching the quote in it's entireity was one of those things that I feel was meant to be.  Perhaps I was meant to hear it, or needed to hear it.

If you believe in the "Law Of Attraction" and I do, then you will understand that what you think about, especially what you dwell on, you will attract.  For example:  when I am constantly thinking that I shouldn't eat ice cream I am much more likely to find myself shopping for ice cream, if can think that I should eat more fruit I inevitaly find myself buying fruit.  It works for me in every department of my life, when I find myself thinking about friends I find more people who are willing to be friends, when I spend time thinking about people who have hurt me I know I am trouble.  And I am giving my power away to negative thoughts and people.  I am so glad that I am aware of the laws of Karma, it allows me to let go of the negativity and let the Universe mete out the justice that is deserved.  For me it never fails.

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Friday, August 5, 2011.........4:47p.m.

My Book.."The Language Of Letting Go" On Gratitude

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events.  It can turn an existance into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."

This is just a paragraph from the daily reading for August 1st.  I have owned this book for about 12 years.  I have spilled coffee on it, jotted down phone numbers in it and even left it outside over night to get rained on.  It is somewhat torn and worn in places, yet I take it everywhere I go.  It has been in a number of Provinces, 4 or 5 States and a few counties in Europe.  It never loses it's appeal for me and I always find something to help my day better in it.  I have read it through happy times and found more to celebrate.  I have read it when my emotional pain was so bad it was visceral and found enough strength to continue another day.

Tonight I am grateful for my book.

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011..............11:11p.m.

Work, Family, Loved Ones And New Friends

It has been more than a month since I have blogged.  The month of July was spent working; 2 weeks looking after a small dog and a home in Port Elgin, then 2 weeks with a cat and a house in Teeswater, I guess you could say I was cat housesitting.  I am grateful that both houses were air conditioned, I missed most of the really uncomfortable days and nights filled with heat and humidity and for that I am grateful.  For me time with animals is time very well spent.  I learned so much the many years that I worked with people and I find I am still learning as I work with animals.  The simple needs of dogs and cats and the real gratitude and love they shower on you for the basic acts of feeding, watering or walking them is theraputic for me, as is the time that I get to spend alone.  Like most people I sometimes try to avoid alone time, yet when I am forced to spend time with just me I realize that I enjoy my own company.  I like watching what I prefer on TV, taking a nap if I feel tired and not having to entertain anyone or be entertained.

I also enjoyed the time spent with friends.  I think that I enjoy the time with friends more when I have had alone time.  I had an old friend spend a week with me in Teeswater.  I only get to see her one week out of the year,  therefore the entire week is spent catching up on what has happened in our lives the previous 51 weeks.  I also spent time with children, grandchildren and this summer with my great grandchildren.  Kalium, my great gerandson turned one last Saturday and there was a marvelous party held for him in Kitchener, at the home of his materal grandparents.  I have pictures taken at his birthday and will attempt to put one in this blog.  Wow, there it is.  This is my youngest son's grandson, so far of my 4 great grandchildren Kalium is the only one to carry on the white, blonde hair gene.  Thank you Kalium.  I was afraid we were going to lose it in this generation.  In this picture he is with his maternal grandfather and seems to be really enjoying his chocolate birthday cake, which he managed to get all over his body, including the back of his head.  The pictures of the birthday party were taken by someone very special to me; thank you for being there for Kalium and me.  You made the day special for both of us.  On August 13th there is another special day for my great grandson Logan, hopefully we have the same photographer and I will be able to display another magnificent baby boy.

Past my bedtime.  Time for me to sleep and give thanks to the Universe for a wonderful day and family, loved ones and friends old and new.

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011..........11:47 p.m.

The Voice Of The Turtle......My day So Far

I had an appointment today at the hospital.  I experienced som leg pain last Thursday and went to the Emergency room of our nearest hospital, in this case SouthHampton, the Dr that saw me suggested an ultra sound.  So, today I set out to have that done.  About two kilometres down the road I saw sometning on the road, I assumed it was roadkill, there is so much on this road.  It wasn't, it was a turtle.  By the time I realized that I was close to the turtle their was a vehicle coming in the direction and I couldn't get off the road in time.  I hoped that I could pass over the turtle and not hit it.  That didn't happen.  I heard/felt the car wheels run over the turtle.  I still feel a little sick when I remember the sound/feeling.  That feeling stayed with me the rest of the drive.  I thought it might an ominous sign of what was coming.  Apparently not though, the blood flow in both legs is good in both legs, arthritis is bad, but blood flow good.  I am still having a difficult time with killing the turtle, at least I hope I killed it quickly, instantly I hope.  The closer I come to my end of life the worse I feel about about hurting any living thing.

The term "The Voice Of The Turtle" comes from the Christian Bible and the actual quote reads "The voice of the turtledove".  It is in Songs Of Solomon  2:12 for anyone interested.  I was once told by a native sayer that I had two animal symbols in my life, the turtle and the bear.  Most people only have only one I think.  I have always liked, or maybe admired is a better word, turtles.  They are so self sufficient, they carry their home and their self defense on their body in the form of their shell.  They have been Earth for so long, much longer than our own species.  They remind of something in University; It is not the strongest of the species that survive, it is not the beautiful of the species that survive, it is not the smartest of the species that survive, "it is the most adaptable of the species that survive".  I am sorry Turtle.  I regret not being able to miss you.  I am sorry that I hurt you, that I am responsible for killing you.

Afternoon Thoughts

Monday, June 27th, 2011...........3:11p.m.

Sunday Afternoon Thoughts

I can't remember the exact quote and I can't remember who said it ut here is what I do remember:

"It is not important how long it takes for your dream to come true, what is important is that you have the dream".

I really liked that sentence when I read it.  It is so applicable to me.  We have all probably experienced losses, some affecting us a little, some devasting us.  In my experience with losses and I have had my share, the loss of a dream is the greatest loss.  The loss of a dream requires the most grieving for me.  That is the time when I have cocoon for a long period, when I become a recluse (actually being reclusive comes pretty naturally to me)  I am not sure if it a character defect or a good thing.  I only know that it seems to be a nesessary thing when I feel a dream is gone, has died.  I always try to have a dream, a goal, and like I said it isn't really all that important how far away that dream or goal seems to be, for me having the dream is what is important.

Sunday, June 26th, 2011..................4:55p.m.

A CBC Interview With Hisham Matar

I listened to this interview on my way home early this afternoon.  At some point in the interview My Matar said "It seems to be in the DNA of humans to want to destroy their artists".  I agree, in fact I would take it one or two steps further.  We seem to take great delight in destroying the lives of anyone who becomes successful and particularly anyone who achieves any manner of fame.  I can't believe the amount of media coverage given to people in the entertainment business or in Government.  For Gods sake their are people dying in wars and starving in many parts of the world and I turn on the T.V. and listen to news personnel going on about someones sex life and indiscretions.  I am glad that I never achieved any measure of great success.  My life has not been that free of mistakes and indiscretions and neither has anyone elses that I know.

Mr Matar is the author of "A Country Of Men" and "Anatomy Of Disappearance".  I will ask for one of his books at the library.

Afternoon Thoughts

Sunday, June 19th, 2011...........6:55p.m.  Happy Fathers Day to my sons, Michael and Rusty and to Dennis my son in law, all great fathers and now grandfathers.

Prejudice (A Preconceived Notion, Or A Judgment Made Prior To Investigation)

I am guilty of prejudice,  It is my beleif that we all are.  Although I was surprised when I researched the word.  I don't like people who are prejudiced, even though I am guilty of it myself.  I find myself uncomfortable with others, especially when they have the need to verbalize their prejudices loudly.  It is has been experience that people who do this are not the smartest people and stupid people are very boring, at least that has been my experience.

After researching the word and realizing that it means  "Pre Judge" I feel a little differently about the word.  I am not prejudiced when I prefer a Harveys hamburger to a MacDonalds.  I have had hamburgers from both establishments and I do prefer Harveys.  I prefer the company of people who read to those who don't. I have spent time with those who read and with those who don't; so, I am not "Pre Judging".

Evening Thoughts.........Never said I was normal

Friday, June 17th, 2011..................11:41p.m.

A Maya Angelou Quote

"If You Don't Heal The Wounds Of Your Past You Will Continue To Bleed".

I love this lady and her words of wisdom.  I can apply this quote to my own life and so many other people that I have known.  For me, in order to heal the wounds of my past I had to revisit them.  This was something that I didn't look forward to.  In fact it frightened me so much that I tried everyway that I could to avoid doing that.  I swallowed my pain for so many years; I swallowed it with booze, pills, food, work and many other things.  I feel now that I have healed from most of the wounds of my past.  I seldom bleed anymore, or at least not much.  Healing is an ongoing process and thats a good thing.

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

One Of My Very Favorite Quotes

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOOHOO - What a Ride!"
-- Attributed to an octogenarian named Mavis Leyrer, of Seattle

What a wonderful idea and a worthy ideal.  This was definately written by a woman and what a marvelous woman she must have been................Amen

Sunday, June 12th, 2011..........7:58p.m.

"Laughter Is The Shortest Distance Between Two People" Victor Borge

I don't laugh enough.  And I am aware of the value of laughter.  It really is the best medicine, it produces and releases endorphins that actually does heal the body.  I believe that it heals the spirit and the soul also.  I love to hear others laugh, that makes me happy.  Especially people that I love.  My childrens laughter is the sweetest music I have ever heard.  I don't like laughter at someone else's expense and I don't like phony laughter, in fact I dislike it very much.  Children's laughter is never phony, it is always genuine.  I guess it takes a few years to really develop phoniness.  My grandson likes to watch the Comedy Channel.  I love hearing him laugh, his laughing makes me smile, even though I havn't heard the joke.  I think I have a weird sense of humour.  I don't go to movies often but when I used to I would find myself laughing in the theatre when no one else was and when they were I didn't always find it that funny.  I like a play on words, that really appeals to me.  I think as a child I was afraid to laugh.  I remember my Mother glaring at me and saying "what the hell are you laughing at".  I stopped laughing then.  But I am not a child now and I want to feel free to laugh.  I will work on that.

Saturday, June 11, 2011..........10:53p.m.

"Love Is The Child Of Freedom, Never That Of Domination"....Unknown Author

I wish I did know who said that, she must have been a wise woman. I recall when my first child was born.  It was one of the first times I stood up against my Mother's domination.  She wanted to name my son.  Seeing as I never imagined I would have a male child, in fact I thought at that time I couldn't have a male child, I wasn't old enough or big enough or whatever, I thought I could just reproduce myself.  So, I never thought of any boys names at all.  However, when he was born, the first time I held him I said Michael.  It was like he told me his name.  I wanted his second name to be Free.

I had always felt so bound, so captured, so fettered and "Unfree".  I did finally cave and let my Mother give him his second name, Patrick.  It is a good name, but I wish I had fought harder, had been stronger and named him Free.  Most people want many things for their children, like good health and happiness.  My greatest wish for my children was that they feel free.  I still feel that way today, more than 50 years later.

Friday, June 10th, 2011.........11:04p.m.

Stormy Weather

You can tell a great deal about people when they are together in a home with no electricity.  Last Tuesday evening at about 10:15p.m. the hydro went out in my daughter and son in laws home.  There was a horrendous storm, severe flashing lightening,  booming thunder, as well as scary winds.  The hydro has been out ever since, with the exception of a couple of hours yesterday afternoon.  As well as trees being uprooted, 100 hydro poles went down on 21 Hwy.  I was away last weekend.  Luisa and I left Saturday about 11:00a.m.  The hydro was out at that time and apparently stayed out until sometime Monday when I returned.  So, they had already had a couple of days with no electricity.  Having no hydro means having no T.V. computer, dishwasher, toilet flushing only when necessary, no showers etc etc.  It also means going to bed when it gets dark.  It takes exceptional people to get through this experience without cross words and loss of patience.  When I went to bed last night I was thinking that everyone in the household, all 4 of us and 2 dog (who are both scared to death of storms) were not just civil to each other but were patient and caring for each other.  This must have been the must have been especially difficult for Tami, my daughter, as she is the one who ties this household together.  And for Dennis who had to get so early for work each morning.  Jonathon, just turned 15 years old is also to be congratulated for keeping his cool and remaining considerate of others.  Most 15 year olds that I know would not have handled it nearly so well.  I am at friends house for a couple of days and when I left this afternoon there was still no hydro at home and may not be for another 24 to 48 hours.  What an exceptional family I live with.  I love you all and thank you for your patience.

Thursday, June 9th, 2011...........11:42p.m.

Some Things I Believe

For example; 

1)  I beleive that resistance is the opposite to acceptance.  As hard as I find somethings to accept, I find resistance to be so tiring, exhausting even.  When I get so tired of resisting I usually accept and when I do things usually turn out better than I had anticipated.

2)  I believe that real love and affection never dies; sometimes it gets buried under life's struggles and happenings.  But like seeds buried in tombs for many centuries, when brought back into sunlight and fertile soil it grows and blooms again.

3)  I believe we are given the children that we need, so we can learn and grow from the experiences they bring into our live, even the painful ones, perhaps especially the painful ones.

4)  I believe in genetic or cellular memory.  I think that stored in our genes and/or cells are memories of many, many generations that preceded us.

5)  I believe that all cliches have some merit; such as "Get Off My Back" "Your A Pain In The Neck".  After a particularally difficult time in my life that followed a long, drawn out death of a partner.  I was experiencing such back, neck, and shoulder pain that I was going to see my Dr.  when a friend of mine smiled as  I told him about my pain and said "What have you been carrying around your neck, on your shoulders and on your back for the past two years"?  In that moment I understood these cliches and within hours the pain began to disappear.

6)  I believe that I am still capable of still learning even though I am 70 Something, perhaps especially because I am 70 something.

Afternoon Thoughts

Friday, June 3rd, 2011.............5:38p.m.  birthday of my eldest daughter.  Have a wonderful day Linda.  I am so happy that you were born.

Two Quotes By Oscar Wilde

While looking up the first quote by Oscar Wilde. I found another.  So, will write a little bit on both.  First:

"We are all ignorant, just in different ways".

This was sent to me by a friend.  I was not familiar with this quote, yet find it to be so true.  I am ignorant of many things.  I am especially ignorant of things that don't interest me.  Things like math.  No matter how hard I try I can't get excited over a square root of anything, and I really resent the hours that I spent learning about Geomotry, particularly when I realize that I have never geometed in all the long years since I studied it.  And the fact that I wasn't given a choice in learning it.  If I was to attend college or university it was deemed necessary that I be able to geomet.
I have also noticed how peoples eyes often glaze over when I get upset about someone doubling a negative or dangling a participle or evening splittling an infinitive, I could go on and on but I can see your eyes glazing over already.

2nd Quote:  "I think that God in creating man overestimated His ability".

I really like this one.  Just saying...................

Good To Be back

Wednesday, June 1st, 2011.........10:28p.m.

Afternoon Random Thoughts

Once again I am using a friends computer.  Seeing as my computer won't bring up my blog, I feel like I should using this time to write something profound, and damn, I can't come up with one profound thought..  So, here are a few not so profound thoughts.

1) I don't think that I have I have personally ever seen a ghost.  However, I do believe that their are those who can and do.  I think I lack the special  something others have that allow them to have this experience.

2)  I believe that there are times, special times, that I can communicate with animals and certain people that others (professionals) have told me is not possible.  I want to tell you about a time when I talked to German Shepherd, a specially trained guard dog.  I was working in sales at the time.  I was given an address to do a demonstration for water conditioning equipment, I had talked to the home owner, who gave me the directions, you have to remember that I am directionally challenged.  Anyway when I talked to the home owner and got directions he told me that there were 2 dogs on the property, but that was o.k. and not to worry about it.  When I turned into a long drivewy, way out in the middle of nowhere, I noticed a sign saying "Guard Dog On Duty...Beware"  I continued up the driveway and the signs got larger and more ominous.  I continued and finally saw the house. There were motorcycles parked there.  I got out of my car and walked to side door.  The house appeared to be empty but I knocked on the door.  No one answered, I picked my display case and turned to walk away.  I never seen or heard the dog, but I felt something take hold of the sleeve of my jacket.  It was a very large King Shepherd.  I was very , I want to say  frightened but alarmed is an more accurate word.  The dog didn't appear visious, it also gave no indiction of letting go of my sleeve.  I began to talk to the dog.  Finally I sat down on the grass, the dog still holding on to my sleeve, I talked to her  about 15 minutes.  I explained to her that I had gotten lost, and I was on her property by mistake.  Eventually she let go of my sleeve and she sat with me.  I told her I had to go back to my car, I had to leave now.  I stood up and so did she.  I bent down to pick up my case, she grabbed my sleeve again.  I knew at that moment that she was willing to let me leave, but she didn't want me to take my case.  So, I sat down again, so did she.  I explained to her, like she was a human, that I had to take my case with me. This took another 5minutes of talking.  I told her I was going now and I had to take my case with me.  I stood again and picked my case.  She stayed sitting.  I picked up case and started walking to my car with my case in my hand.  She walked beside me all the way to my car.  I continued talking to her, explaining every move I was making, like "I am going to open the car door now and put my case inside," then I told her " I am getting inside the car now and driving off your property".  When I was inside the car I had to turn it around to drive out.  She stood where I left her.  I opened the car window and said "goodbye girl".  As I drove back down the long driveway I paid closer attention to the signs.  They said "Guard Dog On Duty"  "Enter At Your Own Risk". And other warnings.

I have never told anyone this story, mostly because I felt no one would ever believe me, I also felt embarrassed for getting lost.  Looking back it now, so many years later, I feel it was a wonderfull, probably unbelievable experience.  I am not sure I would believe it if someone told me this story.  But it is true.  it happened to me.  I did not sit down to write this story, it just flowed out of me for some reason.  It happened almost 25 years ago.  I am glad that it did and that I finally was able to share it with you.

Thursday, May 26th, 2011.....7:01p.m.

"Wisdom Is Knowing The Right Path To Take...Integrity Is Taking It" M H McKee

I love this quote.  I wish I could say that I always do it.  Perhaps I have more wisdom than integrity.  Perhaps we all do......nah, I just thought of a couple of people who have neither.

I have been unable to blog on my own computer since I arrived home from the City Of Kawartha Lakes.  I don't know what is wrong with my own computer, actually I can do everything else on my computer, I just can't bring up my own blog.  So, I am using my friends computer.  I am so fortunate, I have good friends.  I will add to this blog later this evening.  Have places to go right now.

Wednesday, May 25th, 2011.....7:27p.m.

Another Gem From CBC

I am sure that I have mentioned before that whenever I am in the car I listen to CBC.  I always pickup the most amazing facts and quotes from that radio station.  I really like tonights offering and want to share it with you, so here it is:

"I Never Would Never Have Seen It If I Hadn't Believed It".

Most of us at some time or another have heard and said "I wouldn't have believed if I hadn't seen it".  It is my personal belief that we, me included, miss so much because we don't believe.  We dismiss so many things, saying "No, that's impossible, I don't believe thats possible".  And of course we make that statement into a self fulfulling prophesy.  Probably going back to the beginning of time people have said "that will never happen, thats not possible".  Most people in 1911 would not have believed that we could send machines and men to the moon and into space.  However, even then, I bet there were some, who in their imagination saw space ships, maybe they even saw machines that you could print words on and in nano seconds have those same words appear on another persons machine anywhere in the world.  I have lots more to say on this subject, but enough for tonight.  Off to bed now.

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011............11:04p.m.

"Sing Like No One Is Listening, Dance Like No One Is watching, And Love Like You'll Never Get Hurt".

I am not sure who first spoke or wrote these words, but I saw them again today in a friends home and thought I would mention them in my blog tonight. I am not a good singer, I usually only do it when I am alone, in fact I only do it the car, when I am alone in the car.  When I sing alone in the car I am not all that bad a singer. I don't dance much anymore either; my left knee wouldn't allow for a lot of dancing.  I have always enjoyed watching dancing though.  Some of my earliest memories with my babies are of me dancing with them.  Usually just dancing around the kitchen because I felt such joy and pride to hold them in my arms.  Sometimes I would dance ever so slowly with my babies when they sick or teething or cranky.  Dancing with them seemed to soothe them and probably soothed me as well.

I remember all of my babies before they were a year old, when they were just pulling themselves up in the playpen or the crib, doing their own form of dancing to whatever music was playing.  My children all seemed to be born with a sense of rhythm.  I think all children are.  When I danced with my babies I definately danced like no one was watching, most of the time no one was.  I just danced, I didn't think if I was doing it right or wrong.  There is no wrong way to dance with your baby.  I sang to them also, and I sang like no one was listening.  I sang to my babies before they were born and I danced with them still inside me.

Love like you'll never get hurt!!!!  Well why not.  We are all going to experience joy and pain in our lifetime, no matter how careful we are.  There is no way to avoid or circumvent all the possibilities in life.  So sure "Love Like You'll Never Get Hurt".  The only way I know to avoid the hurt is not to love at all.  And who wants to do that???

Evening Thoughts

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011...........10:41p.m.

How Heavy Is it?

This was sent to me by a friend.  Seeing as I am not feeling great tonight, I wanted to share it with you.  It helped me, hope it helps you.  Thank you Betty and Thank you Jim.

Hope you enjoy this read, as much as I did !

It is worth it

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'..... she fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile. 
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. 
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.  In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." 
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.  When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... pick them up tomorrow. 
Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"


1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.  Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

20 * It was I, your friend!

*Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!

Monday, May 16th, 2011............10:42p.m.

Take Risks

That is the title of tomorrows message from my very favorite book.  I don't normally read the next days message, but it is 11:20p.m. now so soon it will be tomorrow and I am only cheating by 40 minutes.

For the past 3 years I havn't taken many, if any risks, until very recently.  Probably even before then I wouldn't be what anyone would call a big risk taker.  I wanted guaranteed, written in blood assurances.  Even then I would not always feel sure.

In my book it says "We cannot afford to keep ourselves paralized."  And that is what fear does to me, it paralizes me.  I can become afraid to make a move, let alone take a risk.  Risking means being vulnerable and trusting someone.  But not risking means almost being jailed.  You are safe in your cell, with all of your thoughts locked inside your own head and I guess I needed to be that safe for awhile; but it is also lonely and isolating.  And I didn't grow during that time.  I didn't share ideas or feelings with anyone so of course I got no feedback.  Lately, slowly but surely I am sharing feelings and ideas.  Even doing this blog is a kind of leap of faith.  At first I thought no one would ever read it, so that was safe; then I actually gave the address of the blog to a couple of people.  That was a real act of faith for me.  It was also taking a risk.  And it was o.k.  I feel o.k. about it, sometimes even good about it.

Saturday, May 14th, 2011..............11:36p.m.

Friggatrishekaphobia (Fear Of Friday The 13th)

Well there is only 1 hour and 10 minutes left in this Friday the 13th, and it is only the only one in 2011 so I guess I will survive it.  There are many things I am afraid of, probably many phobias I suffer from, but somehow Friday the 13th isn't one of them.
I am one of those of those weird people who are more afraid of living people than ghosts or dead ones.  I have never been hurt in any way by a ghost, nor been betrayed or letdown by a dead person, to me these things have only ever been done by living people.  Wednesday, February the 18th, 2008 was the last time that some very living people, tried and nearly succeeded in destroying me.  Thanks again guys, just in case I forgot to do it then.  Most of you have already reaped what you have sown and the rest of you surely will.  Such is the way of Karma.

As for me, I live, I am loved and I am happy.  I am surrounded by family and friends and loved ones.  Because I know you and I have known you for years, I know you will never have these things.

Sleep Well.  And Happy Friday The 13th.

Evening Thoughts

Friday, May 13th, 2011..............11:03p.m.

A Quote By Alanis Morrisette

I had my hair done this afternoon and I forgot to take a book, so, I ended reading whatever was available in such places.  This magazine had an interview with Alanis Morrisette and this is where I found the quote.

"I don't consider myself  a human being having a spiritual experience, I consider myself a spiritual being having a human experience."  I couldn't have said it better myself.  The 70er I become the more in touch I am with my spirituality and the less important the physical becomes.  This allows me to see life in an entirely different way and experience living much more fully and completely.  How fortunate for her that this young woman realized this in her 30s.

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Thursday, May 12th, 2:30p.m.

Real Help

I have been away and unable to blog.  I have missed it, yet find it difficult to start again.  It was a wonderful week; full of family and people I love.  Now I am going to have to re establish my routine and I want to do that slowly.  Partly because I want to replay those days in my mind and my heart.  The Granddaughter of My Soul, whom I spent time with while I was away, told me this story and I would like to share it with you.

There is this man who fallen into a very deep hole of depression and addiction.  He is calling for help to passerbys.  A Dr. walks by and hears him calling, he looks down into the hole, then he takes out his pad and writes a perscription which he throws down the hole to the man.  The man continues to call for help.  A man of the cloth walks by, he stops and looks down at the man then says I will pray for you, and walks on.  Finally a man in work clothes and work boots hears the mans cries.  He stops, then jumps down into the hole with the man.  The man trapped in the hole said to him "why did you jump in with me? Now we are both trapped down here", the other man said "We are not trapped, I have been here before and I can show you the way out".

I guess you will either get it or you won't, but I wanted to share it with you anyway.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011....................10:10p.m.

Things Left Unsaid

If I had to choose my favorite philospher is would be a toss up between Nietzsche and Dostoevsky.  Tonight I have a quote by Dostoevsky.  "Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid."
This may not be his most profound quote, it isn't even my favorite, but it is the one that touched me tonight.
I have felt such bewilderment and sorrow when things were left unfinished, unsaid.  I am aware that we can't take back words we have spoken, but a sincere "I'm sorry" can bring such comfort.  When you look into the person's eyes and touch them and really mean it, then healing can happen.  I need some of this healing, some of  these words, and I need to say them to others.  Knowing that is growth and I am grateful for my growth, painful as it sometimes can be.

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011...........11:23p.m.

A Tolstoy Quote For Our Election Day

"Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us".  I hope this isn't the case with whoever gets in tonight.  Physical violence isn't the only kind of of violence that Government can impose on us.  Poverty, hunger and lack of health care has been the violence that I have witnessed most often in the past terms of Government.  As A 70 Something Woman I want enough to not worry about tomorrrow or next month, I also want to know that my children will have enough when they have finished their working time.  And for my grandchildren I want opportunity, the opportunity for them to rasie their children, feed them well and be able to educate them.  Thats not a lot to ask from someone who spent more than 50 of her 70 something years working and paying for the Government that we have had.

Election Night Thoughts

Monday, May 2, 2011............11:31p.m.

Fitting In

This seems to be a Universal need or at least desire.  One of the good things of being 70 Something, there are actually many, is that it is no longer nearly as important as it once was.  In the past I have found myself wanting to fit in with people that I didn't even particularly like, but thought I should like, mostly because others seemed to like them,  What a wonderful freedom to no longer have to impress anyone.  To allow myself to just be me.

I recall a couple of decades ago sitting in meetings and when a vote or a show of hands was taken I would look around and see what everyone was doing and do the same,  There were a couple of reasons for this; one, I thought everyone knew more than me, and two, I didn't want to be singled out as the only dissenter.  Now I find I have no problem saying I think that is a bunch of crap, if that is what I really feel.  Normally though I would just say "do whatever you want, because really how important is it?"  And unless it was really important to me I would let it go at that.  The 70er I get the more I realize what is really important and what is just someones ego on a trip.

Evening Thoughts

Sunday, May 1st, 2011...............9:23p.m.

Gestalt Therapy.......A Quote

"We may seek the outer friend - or many outer friends - in place of the inner friend.  Of course - outer friends are essential, but they cannot replace the inner friend.  In fact, without some development of the inner friend, it seems that we cannot relate to the outer ones.
If we do not like ourselves enough we will not believe that others like us; if we do not accept ourselves enough, we will not let the other accept us".

Mary Henle
Some Aspects of the Phenomenoly of the Personality

I know all this.  In fact I knew it many years ago.  My own phenomena is that I had to relearn it so many times.  I have to grateful for the hard times, the hurting times that I was forced to, sometimes chose to spend alone, just with myself for company; these were the times when this lesson was reinforced until it was well learned.

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Saturday, April 30th, 2011..............3:06p.m.

Losses.......Sometimes Our best Friend Has Four Legs

My nephews dog Mini-Me died April 24th, 2011

Last Night...
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched ...you pour the tea, You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care. I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away." You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

Madness Is The Exception In Individuals But The Rule In Groups..... Nietzsche

Ah, more Nietzsche.  I found this quote in a book called "Willful Blindness".  I have reading this book for a couple of months now.  Normally I sit down and devour a book in one sitting.  This book however, has so much content, is so meaty that it takes time to digest each new idea.  Most of what I read here are things I already knew, yet had never taken the time to really look at and think about.

The chapter in Willful Blindness, taking orders just because they are given by someone with an extra stripe on his sleeve, like Russell Williams perhaps, or even someone who is very popular in high school, thus making them an automatic leader, even if they have a room temperature IQ. was extremely interesting to me.
I have probably been as guilty as everyone else when it comes to this practice. I wanted to fit in too, I wanted to be accepted, probably still do, but I no longer am willing to pay the price (losing my automy and disregarding my own beliefs) as I was a couple of decades ago.

Back to Nietzsche's quote; I have to agree.  I worked with what was termed unstable persons for many years.  In many cases I found them more stable than good, stable persons running local government.  I only mention local government because I have never had the pleasure?? of knowing those running Federal Government.  Madness is indeed the exception in individuals, however, spend a little time with Cult Leader for example or Fundamentalist Christians (same thing) and you will understand Nietxsche's quote much, much better.

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Easter Sunday, April 24th, 2011.................3:14p.m.

"There Is Always Something To Be Happy About, Truly Happy. The Universe

This was my early morning message from Tut, The Universe.  I look forward to my message every morning, just about as much as I look forward to my morning message in my special book "The Language Of Letting Of Letting Go".  I had no idea how much I needed my book until my life was turned upside down 3 years ago.  It is amazing how much this book with its morning message has gotten me through.  Even the title "The Language Of Letting Go" is so appropriate for me.  Letting go was a foreign language to me.  I have a difficult time letting go of worn out shoes, let alone people, places or things that mean anything to me.  Yet I have always known and believed that if something or someone loves you it will always come back to you, in fact it never leaves you, you may be seperated by distance or time but it never really leaves you.

I have much to be happy about.  I am so glad that I know that and I appreciate it. I have given a copy of this book to everyone that I care about and especially to everyone I love.

Good Friday, April 22nd, 2011..............9:43p.m.