I don't always get what I want but I do get what I need. Today I got a telephone call from a new friend. It seems so difficult for me to make friends since I moved here. I was in such emotional pain at that time. I didn't trust myself and my judgement, therefore it took me a long time to venture out at all. I am getting better, I, at least tentatively get close to a few people. That is progess and I am grateful for my progress tonight. My friend read a piece of prose that I posted earlier today, she could have had no idea how much I needed to hear/read those words. They moved me, figuratively as well as physically. After talking to her I got in my car, after a week of hibernation, and drove into Port Elgin. I felt so good about myself for doing that. It is still easy for my fear to paralyze me, yet it takes so little to move me, free me from that grip. I have probably always lacked courage, or maybe not, maybe courage is moving, taking any action while feeling paralized. I also called my friend and we talked about the money problem. I told her that no matter what or how we solved the problem nothing was going to change our friendship. We have a history, so much of my history has disappeared and I don't want to lose anymore. I also cleaned my daughters kitchen. I felt good about that. She does everything for our family. I wish that I could do more and I probably can. I fear doing something wrong.......I just noticed how often I am using the fear. I want to be able to risk more and I will try. I am grateful this early morning for my day and all those who shared it with me.
Monday December 20th, 2010.............1:16a.m.
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