I read once that there is one thing some people will never forgive for; Helping Them. And I have lived long enough to know that quite often true. I just don't seem to be able to stop. When someone calls me and sounds like they are in distress I usually try to help. Sometimes the help comes in the form of just listening, offering advice, giving them a ride or often loaning money. I believe that when you help someone to much they begin to feel indebted and that leads to them feeling embarrassed and eventually angry at the very person who they asked to help them. This has happened to me enough times that you would think I would stop trying to help. I am feeling sad and betrayed tonight by a telephone call I recieved today from a bank. Someone I "helped" a number of years ago by cosigning a loan is one year behind in payments. Besides costing me money this is no doubt going to cost me a friendship and worse than that a little more trust in people will be lost.
It seems sometimes that I must be a fool, yet I don't want to stop trusting people. This has happened to me in various ways before. people have spilled their guts to me, told me their worries and fears, then when the crisis was over they seemed to be angry that I knew what they told me. I think I mentioned in my very first post that I have always been the keeper of secrets, perhaps it is a character defect, I don't betray confidences or perhaps it is the oath that I took and took seriously many years ago. I didn't want to go bed with this in my heart and in my soul. I am going to try to leave it right here on the page. I rest well and I sleep well. I almost never stay awake all night thinking what I could have done, should have done, what I could do in retaliation. I don't want to live that way. I want to live in peace with myself especially and with others whenever possible.
Friday December 18th, 2010..........12:40a.m.
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