The Last day Of 2010

When I look back on this year it is with gratitude.  I know I didn't always show it, I didn't even always feel it.  But in the last hour of this year , I am grateful, even for the hard lessons learned, maybe particularly for the hard lessons.  And for the blessings received, for the love of famiy and of friends.  For the warmth of the home I share, for the care shown me.  For the couple of new friends made and old friends revisited.  For the good health I have enjoyed.  For the health of my children and grandchildren.  For laughter shared and for the few tears shared, for time spent alone and for time spent with others.  For my bedroom at my daughters home and at Harolds home.  I am indeed a fortunate woman, I am at home in two homes.  This year I gave away one of homes to my first born and before the end of next year I hope to give my other home to my younger son.  I believe I am giving things away to make room for new things, things that will be lighter to carry.  And I enjoy giving and knowing that my children have homes.

My New Years message to my children and to those I love is this:  "To those whom much is given much will be expected".  You were given good, strong bodies, beautiful healthy minds, parents who loved and wanted you and siblings who care for you. Partners who love you and healthy, beautiful children, now even some of you have grandchildren.  Be grateful, give thanks and give back.  And know that your Mother, Grandmother and Friend Loves You......................Happy New Year To All.

December 31st, 2010...........11:49p.m.

Sunscreen

I'mmm Back.  The song/recitation Sunscreen is on  Utube.  I think it would be great if you found it, I googled it and listened to it, for the first time in probably 10 years.  I thought there was a lot of wisdom in it then and I still think so.  It was written by Mary Schmich.  This is my belated Christmas present or early New Years present to all those I care for.  O.K. even those I don't care for that much.

I am at Harolds and probably will stay tomorrow and go home New years Day.  It is nice having a little girl in the house.  Tami took her shopping today for a Princess Dress, they went to the Princess Dress store/Walmarts.  She was so happy with her dress and looked like a real princess, she felt like a princess too.  It was a special moment to share with her.  I am grateful for Savannah, for the time she spent on my knee playing Dora The Explorer on the computer................Good Night All

December 30th, 2010..............11:23p.m.

Some Of The Worst Things In My Life Never Happened.....Mark Twain

I am trying to think of a New year's resolution that I a can keep past January 3rd.  Perhaps not jumping to the worse case scenario will be my resolution for 2011.  It would certainly make my life a lot more pleasant.
So many things that I have worried, stewed and suffered about never came about. Almost every really terrible that has happened to me has been a total surprise, for that matter almost every good thing that has happened has been a surprise too.  I am thinking about about a song, well its really a song, it is more of a recitation, called "Sunscreen", I will google it and tell you the artist who did it later.  In this recitation he comments that the things you really worry about seldom happen.  I think I will enjoy life a lot more if I can be more aware of the moment.  So for now that is New year's resolution.  Will continue this Blog when I get home later.

Even More Uncomfortable Truths

Tonight will be the last of my uncomfortable truths, at least for a little while.  I went to the bank today and paid off the loan that I co signed.  I had mixed feelings about this.  My mean spirited side was saying "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (Again)," and the other, hopefully better, part of me was relieved, it was done, over, finished.  I hope that I am not too mean spirited, yet I am aware that that is one of my occasional uncomfortable truths.  To balance that out, I am also apparently the eternal optimist when it comes to people.
I want to see the best in them and usually will look for it.

We have a little girl at our house tonight.  Dennis and Tami's great niece Savannah is visiting with us for a while.  Her mom is hospitalized with colitis in Kitchener.  Tami really should have had a girl.  She loves all children, something that I love about her, but a little girl would have been such a gift to her.  Although her 3 boys were all gifts for her. To all of us.  My grandchildren are almost as a big as a gift to me as my own children.  I have a special relationship with almost all of my grandchildren.  Tonight I am grateful for my grandchildren and that the money is paid off.  I hate owing money.  I have worked so hard all of my adult life to avoid being in debt.  I am grateful I was able to try to help this young woman and that I could pay it off myself when I had to.

December 29/30th, 2010................12:31a.m.

More Uncomfortable Truths

I have very little dicipline, sometimes almost none at all.  Strangely enough "disipline is one of my trigger words.  We all have trigger words.  Words that jerk our emotions around.  Disipline and Compromise are two that come to my mind immediately.  My defination of disipline is "Do things my way or it is going to involve pain, probably physical but perhaps just emotional", Compromise "Do things my way or ditto ditto ditto.  It may be that I have been disciplined and comprised way to much, way to young.  I am aware that there must be some positive meanings to these words, I just can't think of any right now.  Well maybe self disipline, but then I never got to experiment much with that concept, there were enough people who wanted/needed to do that for me, for my own good of course.  Whoa, I knew I shouldn't have written tonight.  Gratitude..........I need some.  I am grateful for the Granddaughter of My Soul.  Get well soon please.  Your Grandma needs you.

December 28th, 2010.........11:38p.m.  I am going to sleep this mood off..........

"Uncomfortable Truths"

The day after the day after.  That is today December 27th.  I think the buildup to Christmas and the excitment of Christmas itself has left me weary, lazy and possibly close to a depressed state.  I drove into Paisley today, another of my 7 minute drives just to make sure that I get out of the house.
While driving in I was listening to CBC as usual and I heard the phrase "Uncomfortable Truths".  Words have power to me, perhaps more power than anything else in my life.  I can't even remember the context in which the words were used.  I think it was during an interview with an author, but can't remember who, or perhaps didn't catch the name.  But the words resonated with me.  I know I have some Uncomfortable Truths and perhaps I will spill some of them on these pages tonight and in the days to come.  My first thought was of others uncomfortable truths; how about Galileo's when he knew that the earth was not the centre of the Universe.  When he espoused his truth it was more than uncomfortable, there was torture involved.  The Catholic Church imposed so much pain that at one point he recanted his theory publicly to avoid death.  He was much braver much than me, I would have recanted much sooner, low pain tolerance I guess.  From what I have read he lived the last years of his life under some type of house arrest, cut off from friends and colleagues by the Church.

Some of my own uncomfortable truths: .......................I am thinking, not because there are so few but because there are so many.  When I lie, usually it is because I am to tired, or to lazy,  to tell my truths and defend them to people who wouldn't understand them anyway.  There is another one whithin that last sentence, judging people who I believe to be to stupid, let me change that to simple minded, perhaps close minded, whatever, I am just trying to be nice/er.  Another one of uncomfortable truths is my intolerance of ignorant people. Libraries are free, if you have a computer and access to the internet, then search engines are available to you.  The lies I tell myself are my most unforgivable uncomfortable truths,  for instance when I tell myself that I have done the best I could and I know that I havn't that is so very uncomfortable to me.  When I give up because I am to tired or discouraged to try anymore.  The list is to long and could be depressing.
Tomorrow I will go and get wieghed.  That should be an uncomfortable truth, as I have practiced gluttony during the last 4 days.  More tomorrow.

December 27th, 2010.............10:44

Boxing Day

I gave myself Christmas day off.  It was a joyous day of giving and receiving.  The best kind of day.  Warmth and love abounded.  I talked to my two of my other children yesterday and to my eldest daughter today. All is well with my family and I am grateful for that.  While talking to Linda, my eldest, I told her about my blog and will send her a link to it tonight.  I lost so many years with Linda through shame, fear and regret.  I am grateful to have have had the courage to contact her and make the amends that I did, that I suppose we did.  She is my daughter today and her partner Ann is one of my favorite people, as well as another daughter in my heart.  This is another short post tonight as I am still whatever it is I am from the Holidays.  I thank the Universe for the people in my life.

december 26th, 2010............10:17p.m.

Christmas Eve

What a wonderful day and night.  I left Harold's this afternoon, I really wanted to be here for Christmas Eve.  We had a terrific Christmas Eve Dinner.  Tami cooked individual lasagnas and fixed a ceaser salad.  My diet is blown. Really I started blowing it last night, wonderful food after the candlelight meeting, and cookies and squares, everything to kick my sugar addiction right back in.  We exchanged one gift tonight, the rest will be in the morning.  Every year everyone gets new pjs.  It is a family tradition, one of the really nice ones.  I gave Tami and Dennis there card and gift.  This year I got them a months worth of heating oil and a gift certificate for 100 jugs of water, practical gifts but ones I know they will use.  They were thrilled.  I just gave gave them the heating oil one for tonight the other is for the morning.  I really feel the joy of giving here more than I ever since my children were young.  I am tired tonight, but before I go to bed I want to wish everyone I love and have ever loved a wonderful Christmas.  Michael and Shelia I Love You Both, Rusty and Lieghann I Love You Both, Tami and Dennis you have made my life wonderful and I Love You Both. To Linda and Ann for the gift of forgiveness and love; I Love You Both. To all of all my grandchildren your Grandma Loves You.  And to my four new great grandchildren your greatgrandma  loves you and welcome to your first Christmas in the wonderful family you were born into (Evan I know this is your 2nd Christmas, but this one is going to be so much more fun)  What lucky people you all are to be a part of this wonderful, loving family.  And now before Santa arrives I am off to bed.

December 24th, 2010........11:34p.m.

Healing Happens

I saw this sign earlier this evening and I thought "Yeah, it does".  Sometimes, in fact usually it happens slowly and when you are not looking; sometimes when you stop looking for it and working so hard on it.  Think of  a time when you were ill or in a lot of pain.  You probably thought the pain would never stop, I know that is how I felt; I felt that physically and emotionally.  It was when I finally stopped fighting and cursing the pain that it began to heal.  I have learned that for me personally if I can finally embrace the pain and allow myself to feel it completely it will heal faster.  In one of my four childbirth experiences I had a difficult labour, a nurse, a woman who was much older than I was at the time told me "to go with the pain, work with it", when I was finally able to do that things moved much more rapidly and my baby arrived about 15 minutes later.  That was a lesson that I try to remember.  If  I try to deny or fight the pain I won't heal.  Most healing takes place in the mind (Harold told me that and he is right).  I am still healing, I am becoming well.  I want to make that one of affirmations.  I have a few affirmations that I use daily, here are a couple.  I enjoy wonderful, glowing health, this too is passing, all is well.  There are more, but these are a few.  My daughter gave me my mantra and I use it often, I hear her voice when I use it, it goes like this: "It's All Good Mom, It's All Good".  Thank you Tami, it is all good.

December 22nd, 2010.........11:55p.m.

My Meeting

I attended my home group in Paisley tonight.  My friends Harold and Carol picked me up at home and took me to the meeting.  I have yet to drive at night since the big snow fall.  I am not sure if that is cowardly, lazy or smart, probably a little of all three.  I was surprised when they acknowledged my 24 years at the Group.  It was a pleasant surprise.  It is nice to have friends again. It is very hard to trust others when you don't trust yourself and I didn't trust myself when I arrived here.  I had apparently been so wrong about so many people who I had thought were friends.......enough, I don't want to go there tonight.  It was a pleasant, even happy night and that is all that is important right now.  I was surprised when I buried my Mother, again, last night.  I guess I needed to do it and now it is done, I hope.
I went into Port Elgin today at about noon, I have lost the 1/2 lb that I gained, so I am again down 25.2 lbs.
I have agreed to speak at my friend Karen's 15 year birthday in February and I would really like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs in that time, perhaps this is the incentive that I need to make the next big loss.  My grandson James told me today on facebook that he reads my blog all of the time and he is learning some things about his own history through it, that pleased me very much.  Thank You James.  I want to be able to write freely and not be worried that I may hurt someones feelings or shock anyone.  When I remember my Grandma when she was my age for some reason I thought she had always been old.  This was my Father's mother, my mother's mother died when she was 11 years old.  My grandmothers maiden name was Stella Nunnelly.  She taught me one of one of the important lessons of my life; she knew how much I liked to read and she bought me a subscription to some kind of child's magazine that came out once a month.  It was the first time that I can remember that mail came to me with my name on it.  She also told me that the most important book I would ever own was my bank book and she showed me hers.  It was probably the first bank book I had ever seen, I can't remember how much money she had in it and it doesn't really matter.  She told me that if I took care to always have money I would never have to depend on anyone or be subservient to anyone because of lack of money.  I never forgot those words and though it took me years to put them action I did remember and I did put them into action and today if I had to I could look after myself for the rest of my life, at least financially.  I wish I had known my grandmother better.  My Mother didn't like me being close to her, SURPRISE........I always felt that my Mother didn't like me yet she didn't want anyone else to be close to me.  I try to understand that and sometimes I have a better hold on it than others.  My grandmother loved me anyway.  She had only one child, my father, strange I knew her better than I knew him.
Enough.........none of that tonight.  She was married 5 times, I think she buried 3 husbands and divorced the other two.  In many ways she was an amazing woman and I remember her with love.  Enough for tonight.

December 21st, 2010............11:49p.m.

24 Years

Tomorrow I will be sober 24 years.  It was Dec 20st, 1986 that I took my last drink.  My Mother died August 25th that year, one day after her 66th birthday.  I almost witnessed the event.  I had been at the hospital all night.  At that time you were allowed to smoke in the rest areas and I had made a cup of tea and taken my cigarettes to the rest area with my tea, and in the few minutes that it took to have a cigarette she died.  This formidable woman was gone.  It had been quite a night.  My Mother had been hosptilized for some weeks.  She had blood clots.  She had suffered from blood clots since about age 40.  I recall her going to hospital many times, being hooked to an IV with Cumadin, then eventually coming home.  Not this time.  She was dying and she was dying that night, and I knew it, that is why I was at the hospital all night.  If it hadn't been so awful it would have been funny.  My Mother and I had the same Dr.  This Dr lived just down the road from my mother.  He was having a new house built, during the building of the house he had been renting a house almost next door to his new house.  The day before my Mother died, the day of her birthday, he was moving into into his new house.  For some reason he had the telephone in his rented house disconnected but the telephone company hadn't hooked up the telephone in his new mansion of a house.  About 10:00p/m./ the night of the 24th my Mother began to experience a lot of pain as the clots moved from legs to her lungs.  I let the nurses know of her pain and asked that she be given some morphine or demerol.  They said they had to get her Drs permission to do this, so I suggested, rather strongly, that they get a hold of her Dr. and I didn't really care what time it was.  That was when we found out that the Dr was not reachable by telephone because of what had happened with the hookup misunderstanding.  My mothers pain got worse, and I got more angry.  Around midnight I was finally so angry that I asked the nurse if another Dr in the hospital could authorize the morphine.  This seemed to baffle the nurses.  Finally I got really angry...totally pissed, and told the nurse that if she didn't have my Mother on morphine in 5 minutes I would drive my Drs new house and throw bricks, from the construction site, through every fucking window in his new house.  That finally got their attention.  Within a few minutes a Dr, I have no idea who, had administered morphine to my Mother.  She was pain free and in some kind of morphine dream state.  As I said I was in the rest area with a cigarette and some tea at somewhere about 3:30a.m. When I finished my tea and cigarette and went back to my mothers room and a nurse was coming out the door, she stopped me and said "Your Mother Is Dead" I had all kinds of feelings at that moment, the moment I knew that this formidable woman was dead.  One of the feelings was anger, probably the predominant feeling was anger.  I had been at this fucking hospital days and evenings for weeks, I had been there all night and she died when I was out of the room for 5 minutes. The nurses suggested that I spend a few minutes alone with my Mother.  As I sat there beside her I remembered her asking me months, maybe a year ago,  that if she ever got so she couldn't would I pull the hairs that were growing out of her face for her.  She seemed to always have a pair of tweezers in hands and she was always pulling out hair that grew on her face.  I remembered promising her that I would do that, and I hadn't.  She was in discomfort most of the time and she seemed to have forgotten the hairs on the her face,  All of a sudden I felt compelled to do as she had asked me.  I found her cosmetic bag, (funny, I don't own a cosmetic bag) anyway I found it and I found the tweezers.  I began to pull out the hairs,  I could'nt seem to reach them all, so I straddled her body and pulled out more hairs with the tweezers.  This is what I was doing when the nurse came back in.  it must have looked like I was mutilatling my Mothers face.  The nurse just stood there, then turned around and came back in with a little blue pill in a paper cup and paper cup of water, she handed me the pill and the paper cup and said "take this", then she helped me get off my Mother.  She told me that the funeral home does all that.........Wow, I was talking about quitting drinking wasn't I?  Didn't mean to talk my Mothers death tonight, but I have made a decision, I am never going to delete anything that I write in this blog.  If it comes from my mind to my fingers and onto the screen it is going to stay there.  Back to quitting drinking.  I did not cry when my Mother died, I didn't cry at the funeral and I didn't cry for mionths after.  Sometime in November the thought came to me "I know what will make you cry, a drink, or two or three will make/allow you to cry".  I had been sober for over 5 years.  I didn't drink for weeks after that.  It was comforting to me know that I could cry and I would cry in time.  In mid December it was time to cry.  I bought a bottle of Walkers Special Old, I drank and I cried.  The next weekend, the 19th and 20th of December I bought another bottle and I drank and I cried.  I returned to a AA meeting on the 21 of December and I havn't drank or hardly cried since.  So tomorrow, no today, it is after midnight, I am sober 24 years.  I am also very tired right now.

December 21st, 2010..........12:14a.m.

I Get What I Need

I don't always get what I want but I do get what I need.  Today I got a telephone call from a new friend.  It seems so difficult for me to make friends since I moved here.  I was in such emotional pain at that time.  I didn't trust myself and my judgement, therefore it took me a long time to venture out at all.  I am getting better, I, at least tentatively get close to a few people.  That is progess and I am grateful for my progress tonight.  My friend read a piece of prose that I posted earlier today, she could have had no idea how much I needed to hear/read those words.  They moved me, figuratively as well as physically.  After talking to her I got in my car, after a week of hibernation, and drove into Port Elgin.  I felt so good about myself for doing that.  It is still easy for my fear to paralyze me, yet it takes so little to move me, free me from that grip.  I have probably always lacked courage, or maybe not, maybe courage is moving, taking any action while feeling paralized.  I also called my friend and we talked about the money problem.  I told her that no matter what or how we solved the problem nothing was going to change our friendship.  We have a history, so much of my history has disappeared and I don't want to lose anymore.  I also cleaned my daughters kitchen.  I felt good about that.  She does everything for our family.  I wish that I could do more and I probably can.  I fear doing something wrong.......I just noticed how often I am using the fear.  I want to be able to risk more and I will try.  I am grateful this early morning for my day and all those who shared it with me.

Monday December 20th, 2010.............1:16a.m.

Something Special

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meaness,
every momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty it of furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
he may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them all at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi.......13th century

Thank you so much Karen

Please read Luisa and Lorraine and everyone else who has need.

More Snow

Tomorrow afternoon it will be exactly 1 week since I have left the house, except to just walk outside and breath some fresh air and of course let the dogs out and back in.  During that week the days have developed a pattern of there own and a pleasant pattern.  I surpise myself when I read that, but it is true.  I sleep late, at least until 10:00a.m. sometimes later.  Then I stumble downstairs, have a coffee and look at my E Mails, mostly crap that I delete, but sometimes I get a real E Mail.  One of my favorite people to get an E mail from is Lorraine.  She is not real wordy yet her words have meaning, style and flair.  My gratitude list tonight is to Lorraine and anyone else that takes the time to actually sit and write to me.  After coffee and checking E mails, if there is nothing pressing for me to do, like make a phone call, pay a bill by telephone etc I will go to the pogo site and play euchre for an hour or so. I like to watch the view every weekday morning at 11:00a.m. then I check E Mails again, read the paper, perhaps send an E mail, the afternoon goes by and about 4:00p.m. I have been watching more TV.  Tonight I think I watched 3 movies with my daughter and grandson.  A lot of this mindless activity but seems to be o.k. right now.  Then I end day back at my computer, checking E mails, then checking my sons blog (Thank you Rusty for writing today, it brightened my day) My sons blog is entitled 100 Acres of Canadian Wilderness.  He started his blog after buying 100 acres of land, mostly bush, near Haliburton.  He has amazing talent for writing and for drawing.  He is my child of the Beautiful Soul.  I have to introduce you to the rest of my created family.  They are amazing people and I am always surprised that I did that.  I got a telephone call from the friend that I loaned money to, actually the loan was for her daughter....whatever.  I hope we remain friends and that my being helpful is something that we can survive.  she is ill, very ill and tired.  Nothing was resolved today as she couldn't reach her daughter, yet a lot of my anxiety is gone, not totally but lessened.  It is tomorrow again and I have yet to complete or even start my evening rituals; food for another blog. ....Goodnight/Goodmorning

Saturday/SundayDecember 18th and 19th 2010.....12:33a.m.

Helping Friends

I read once that there is one thing some people will never forgive for;  Helping Them.  And I have lived long enough to know that quite often true.  I just don't seem to be able to stop.  When someone calls me and sounds like they are in distress I usually try to help.  Sometimes the help comes in the form of just listening, offering advice, giving them a ride or often loaning money.  I believe that when you help someone to much they begin to feel indebted and that leads to them feeling embarrassed and eventually angry at the very person who they asked to help them.  This has happened to me enough times that you would think I would stop trying to help.  I am feeling sad and betrayed tonight by a telephone call I recieved today from a bank.  Someone I "helped" a number of years ago by cosigning a loan is one year behind in payments.  Besides costing me money this is no doubt going to cost me a friendship and worse than that  a little more trust in people will be lost.
It seems sometimes that I must be a fool, yet I don't want to stop trusting people.  This has happened to me in various ways before.  people have spilled their guts to me, told me their worries and fears, then when the crisis was over they seemed to be angry that I knew what they told me.  I think I mentioned in my very first post that I have always been the keeper of secrets, perhaps it is a character defect, I don't betray confidences or perhaps it is the oath that I took and took seriously many years ago.  I didn't want to go bed with this in my heart and in my soul.  I am going to try to leave it right here on the page.  I rest well and I sleep well.  I almost never stay awake all night thinking what I could have done, should have done, what I could do in retaliation.  I don't want to live that way.  I want to live in peace with myself especially and with others whenever possible.

Friday December 18th, 2010..........12:40a.m.

Its True "I Want Things My Way"

I heard something today that jolted me back in time.  I had a friend, many years ago, who used to say "You always want your own way". Now think about that; of course I want things my way.  Who's way should I want them, my next door neighbors second cousins sister in laws way. Twenty years ago that statement sounded ridiculous to me and it still does.  And it was always said in a tone that was meant to make me feel mean for wanting things my way.  I like my steak rare.  When I go to a restaurant and order a steak I ask for it rare, would I be a better person if I asked it for medium rare, or if I said "Oh, it doesn't matter just cook it anyway you like".  See what happens to me when I don't get out for 5 days.  The weather picture is looking a little better and possibly I will get out for my 7 minute drive.  Really though not getting dressed for two days hasn't been all bad.  And if you ever have to housebound for 5 days this is probably the best home to be house bound in.  There is my computer, a very large TV, more books than anyone could read in five days and the best food that I have eaten.  Tami is such a good cook and she is consistantly a great cook.  Thank you Tami, you make dinner time an event.  I guess that I have things my way.  Only 9 days until Christmas and I don't think I will be doing more shopping, which is nice since I havn't done any yet.  I am giving everyone My Love this Christmas.  My Love is a wonderful gift, if I give it to you it means I am there for you on Christmas and the other 364 days in the year.  Enough for today.  I will write more when I have been outside and breathed some cold, clear air.........not to much or for to long, as it looks really cold out there.

Thursday December 16th, 2010........10:39p.m.

After Midnight

There is something magical about being up all by myself after midnight.  The house is so quiet.  The only noise is the furnace running and the clock gonging on the hour.  This is two nights in a row that I have done my blog after midnight.  The wind has finally died down, that is a sound I miss, yet I am glad it is gone; perhaps life will return to its normal flow.  Today was day 3 of me not leaving the house.  The good thing about that is that I don't feel any cabin fever or any signs of depression.  I have suffered enough "clinical depressions" during my life to always be on the lookout for any signs, but no, none.  I am grateful for that, just in case I forget to write a gratitude list when I close tonight.  I was checking out my friends and family on facebook before I did I my blog tonight; one reason it is so late. My youngest sons oldest son (hey, I like how that came out) and they are both named Rusty Roy, any way Jr. has a wonderful sense of humour.  He is so much like his dad in that way. To quote him " I hate it when it when I find what I am looking for in the last place I look, so I always look in a few more places anyway".  Wonderful Russ, please keep that attitude and the world will not wear you down and you make your Grandma laugh.  I was also looking at pictures of my great grandchildren.....Jasmine your baby girl is unbelievably photogenic.  And Darryl and April thank you so much for the picture of Kailum, it is amazing to look at this baby boy and see back two generation to his dad and grandpa.  James, everytime I see a picture of Logan I see happiness and intelligence, what a wonderous child this is and will be.  And Chuck and Steph; Evan has got be Mr personality.  What a wonderful lot of babies for me watch.  Thank you all for them..  Now that it is more than officially tomorrow I am off to bed.

December 14th, 2010.............12:31a.m.

Rhythm Of Life

It has been a terrible, wonderful, snowy, cold and windy day.  Jonathon couldn't go to school and Dennis couldn't go to work.  Jon has snow days fairly often but Dennis missing work is something that almost never happens.  In fact this is the first time in the more than two years that I have been here that it has happened.  So the rhythm of life for today was slightly altered.  Although the weather can be and is a terrible inconvenience it was a little exciting also.  I didn't go outside at all today.  As I have mentioned in earlier posts I try to get out at least once a day even if it is a just a 7 minute drive into town.  I am more aware of the rhythm of my life here.  I have morning rituals and I have even more distinct bedtime rituals here.  My work gave my life structure for so many, many years and I missed it terribly when it was taken from me.  Now I have to admit that I would really miss the rhythm of this household, this family.  I was tempted to go to bed tonight without posting in my blog, however, I am making that part of the ritual of my bedtime.  I think that we all have rituals that are important in maintaining the ebb and flow of our lives, possibly we arn't aware of them until they are interrupted.  And I think that they are a good and healthy part of our lives.  It is strange when I sit here at the end of the day I don't usually have a clue about what I am going to say/write and yet after saying/writing it there is usually a kind of peace that comes over me, therefore it must be a good thing.
I guess enough of a good thing for now.  It is tomorrow, has been for almost a half hour.

Monday  December 13th/Tuesday December 14th  2010.......12:28a.m.

Old Stuff

As much as I enjoy most modern technology I have to admit that I really prefer old stuff sometimes.  I love Board games and card games.  I play monopoly with my grandson.  It is something just he and I do together.
Jonathon was 12 when I relocated here, and Monopoly was the first thing that we did together that we both really enjoyed.  Now Jonathon is one of my favorite people and I hope I am one of his.  That isn't always easy to accomplish when the two people are 12 and 69 years old.  It didn't happen overnight or even in a few weeks.  Just like any other two people we had to get to know each other.  Now I know that like each other, we laught together, share a few confidences and are comfortable with each other.  We can even just be quiet and be comfortable.  He is my youngest grandchild and as much as I can I spoil him.  When family come to visit we almost always play cards.  Our favorite games are Chase the Ace, Euchre and Cribbage.  It seems to me that we laugh the most when we play cards.  A pack of cards don't cost that much and can keep this family, especially when there are a bunch of us, and there really are a bunch of us, I have almost 20 grandchildren, 13 biological and the rest just through love.  So, when even half of us are together there is a lot of laughter.  I honestly believe we can have more fun and laughter with a deck of cards than most people have with high  tech gadgets.  I don't know how many of many of children and grandchildren I will see this holiday season but they will all be in my heart.  My children and grandchildren also all read.  I hope I am somewhat responsible for this.  When my children were small and there was little money the Library was free and before they read I would take them to the Library and have them sit on my knee while someone, the Librarian or a volunteer read to them.  As soon as they were old enough they all had library cards.  I guess books are becoming old stuff too, but they are still my favorite old stuff.  I want to write about easy chairs, but that is for another night.  It is cold and windy and I am off to my favorite solitary indulgence,,,,,,,,my library books.

Sunday December 11th, 2010........11:02p.m.

"After Awhile"

This piece of prose reflects my mood tonight so I am sharing it.

COMES THE DAWN

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that
love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn
that kisses arn't contracts
and presents arn't promises,
And you begin to accept your defects
with your head held up
and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all of your roads
on today because tomorrows ground
is to uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of
falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that
even sunshine burns
if you get to much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that
you really can endure....
That you really do have worth,
and you learn and you learn....
With every goodbye you learn.

Veronica A Shoffstall

Dec11, 2010..........11:28p.m.

Old Lovers And Friends

If you are a 70 something woman, and I am, then with any luck at all you you have list of Old Lovers And Friends.  If you are really lucky there will be few that are both; both lovers and friends I mean.  Yesterday when I arrived home there was a letter and card from one of my, lets save time and refer to them as L&F.  His name is Jim and I know that he doesn't know how to use a computer so probably he will never read this; in a way I wish he would.  I really have nothing bad to say about him anyway.  I met Jim on a bus going from Fenelon Falls to Hamilton, he was going from Haliburton to Toronto, in any case we were on the same bus.  I was at the end of an abusive relationship, a relationship that wasn't quite over yet.  During the bus ride we exchanged mailing address's.  I wrote to him from my place of employment and he sent me letters there.  Within a couple of weeks I was ready to end the abusive relationship.  At that point in my life I was into periods of hurting myself, hurting myself with abusive men, alcohol and other things.  Thank God I didn't have to do that for all that long.  In a letter to Jim I told him I was ready to leave and when I got his return letter there was a bus ticket to Haliburton included. I planned my get away, rather hurriedly and carelessly, as I was more than half drunk at the time.  I did this in the middle of the night, then I passed out.  When I awoke in the morning the man I was with at the time had taken my suitcases, put them in his car and gone to work.  I did the only sensible thing I could think of; I called a cab, went to the bus terminal and got the bus for Hailburton with what was in my purse and the clothes on my back.  I was 38 or 39 years old and I was running away from home again.  That began a relationship that lasted for over 8 years.  This was the man who helped me to finish raising my youngest child.  Jim had quit drinking some months before I arrived and I was to quit within a year or 15 months.  Time seems kind of blurry surrounding this period of my life.  The first year was certainly blurry.  I probably could figure out the exact year this all began, however, that isn't my main interest or point of this blog.  I really want to write about the events as I remember them and particularly the 'feelings" around the event and person.  In the letter that arrived yesterday Jim said something to the effect that he had finally getten old.  To me he will never be old, he will always young, handsome and a knight that helped me to save myself.  And even thought this relationship ended painfully, is there any other way for a relationship to end? I would like the opportunity to explain to him why I did what I did, why I felt that I had to do what I did.  I kind of think he already knows.  I hope so.  Tonight I am grateful to this old L&F and I hope he can remember me with the same fondness that I remember him.

Saturday December 10th, 2010           11:04p.m.

Home In Paisley

What a wonderful word "Home" is.  I arrived home at about 2:30p.m.  The dogs were the first to welcome me; they are usually the first to welcome anyone.  I am going to talk/write about the dogs tonight.  Six is 5 1/2 year old German Shepherd.  Her name is Six because Tami and Dennis saw a moxie or show where the phrase "Keeping Six" was used.  Keeping Six means to watch your back, lookout for you, at least that is what it meant in the context they heard it.  The other dog is Poppy.  Poppy is a year younger.  Poppy was brought into the family when my childrens father died; I remember Tami telling me about Poppy joining the family.  I recall her saying that she needed something else to love and Poppy certainly is lovable.  Her mother was a purebred boxer who apparently fell in love with a black lab and Poppy and her brothers and sisters were the result.  There was also a little dog when I joined the family but Six considered her just another small animal that should end up dead, like the cats, groundhogs and other small animals that the big dogs kill if they are on the property.  Little dogs name was DOG and was pronounced Doge.  Doge was given away because it was just not safe for her here.  That was a very sad time for everyone here and especially for Tami.  If you are a parent you know how your own heart breaks when you see your child hurting and sad.  Doge was given to a home where she has the run of the house and everyone and everything in it.  There is another dog there, a very gentle, old hound and two cats.  I have been to visit doge a few times and she is Queen of the castle there.  Six is certainly the smarter of the two dogs here, she is definately the Alpha dog.
I call her my Lady and I am her doorman/woman.  The first thing I do when I get up is to let the dogs out, they expect that, in fact they insist on it, even if they have just come in from the outside.  It is part of my morning ritual and a part that I enjoy.  Like all other dogs these two definately have their own personalities and I love them both.  They also enrich my life, as do all members of this household, of this place that is home.

It feels like it should be Monday, but in fact it is late Thursday evening.  being snowed in for a few days has thrown my internal clock right off course.  I also havn't gotten weighed in almost a week and I am sure that I messed up my diet big time.  Weather permitting I will go into Port Elgin and face the music and get weighed, then start the process again.  I am determined to be at the weight that I want by spring. 

more tomorrow..............
December 9th, 2010        11:41p.m.

More Trivia Etc

Apparently December 8th is a day of remembrance.  According to my favourite reference source, CBC radio, 20 years ago today the World Wide Web was born. It was launched in Geneva, Switzerland.  Did you know that no one owns the Web?  I didn't know that.  Because no one owns it, it is not subject to any controls.  I really like that.  The part of me that appreciates freedom of speech, thought and expression really likes that.  There is no doubt a flip side that isn't as good but for right now I am just enjoying the fact that the Web isn't under anyone's control.  Also 30 years ago today John Lennon was assassinated.  I guess almost everyone knows that because I read it on the computer.  I was a little surprised by the word "assassinated"  I thought only politicans and Royalty could be assassinated.  I thought everyone else was murdered.  What is the difference anyway?  Is there a difference?  Just one of things that make me think.  Like people in wars who are killed by "friendly fire".  Are soldiers who killed by "friendly fire" entitled to whatever benefits that soldiers killed by enemy fire are??  I hope so. 

I went into Walkerton today and picked my car from my last job.  It has been sitting there since Sunday and I feel really proud of myself for driving in the snow and wind that we are experiencing.  I didn't like it, I didn't enjoy it but I did it.  Now as soon as I get the nerve and a nice sunny day I will go home.  I am missing my family.  I have the house to myself for a couple of hours as Harold is out.  Being alone in a house is one of  my "Solitary Indulgences".  I like it, I enjoy it.  I probably wouldn't enjoy it as much if I knew it was endless solitude.  This is my post for today December 8th, 2010.................7:22p.m.

My First Born

I think it is time you met more of my family.  Since I have no family of origin, and I consider that to be a very small loss, my created family are very important to me.  Michael Patrick was born  2 months and 3 days after my 16th birthday.  Mine was an old fashioned wedding, the shotgun variety.  Michael's father was of Black Irish descent and a good looking man.  I don't think that I ever really got to know him.  My Mother threatened him into marrying me, the statutory rape thing, seeing as I was 15 when I got married.  Someday I will write a whole blog on the pregnancy and birth procedure.  Giving birth was surprisingly easy although strange, but like I said that is a whole different story.  My first shock was that I had a male child.  I really thought because I was young and so little, 108 lbs, that my body would only produce a female child, actually I thought I could only reproduce myself.  It was a shock when I saw this tiny 6lb 6oz little boy.  He had a perfectly round little head and face and the biggest, blackest eyes I have yet to see on any child.  He had a little bit of black hair that curled very quickly, in fact he was a miniture of his father.  He was a good baby, I had very little, actually no frame of reference as to good or bad babies.  To me he was perfect, a little boy doll.  This was the first time I fell in love.  He never had colic and was a good sleeper, although I was frightened of the dark, come on I was only 16 yrs old, and I kept him up all night with me and we both slept during the day.  Michael was born inquisitive.  Because he was my first born I remember much about him as a baby.  He talked early and he talked a lot.  He called me Dayle and my Mother mom.  I should interject here and tell you Michael's father was a great lake sailor, therefore he was seldom if ever home, so it was just my baby boy and me.  I think Michael's first words were in the form of question, like; Doing? Going?  Whenever I put a jacket or sweater on I remember him saying Going Dayle Going?  I think his first sentence was "In A Minute"  that must have been what I said to him so often.  He was and still is a delight in my life and the lives of almost everyone who knows him.  He is handsome, outgoing and very smart.  I am grateful that he was born and that he was born to me, we raised each other.  Thank You Michael.

Still snowed in at Harolds and still snowing outside.  My car is still in Walkerton where I last dog/house sat, going to attempt to get it tomorrow and take it home.  I am missing home and my family there.

December 7th, 2010.................6:07p.m.

Snowed In In Riversdale

Today feels like a weekend to me.  Probably because I havn't been dressed or outside the house all day.  perhaps I wouldn't be as good a hermit as I thought.  I think to much when I have nothing else to do.  Today my mind has wandered back to the family who became my step family.  I have no contact with them whatsoever.  Perhaps they are all dead, I know for a fact that the two eldest step brothers are dead, but not sure about step sister and step brother closer to my age.  I probably owe these people some amends, although I am not sure I could make in all sincerity.  I have spent the last hour looking for these people on the computer...........nothing, not a sign of them.  It feels like they never existed.  My only step sister Betty was/is two years older than me, yet I always thought of her as old.  It is strange my Mother seemed in many ways to favour Betty over her own daughters, Peggy and myself.  She could certainly control Betty better than she could Peggy and I.  Her step children  were always easier for her to manage than the children born to her.  My Mother was such a "formidable" woman.  That was the word my teacher used 10 or 12 years ago when I looked her up and found her.  I was looking for some kind of closure or validation from her, I am not sure if I received it or not, but I came away with that word burned into my brain "FORMIDABLE"  regarding my Mother.  My teachers name was Mrs White, when I met with her she said I should call her Margaret, but she will always be Mrs White to me.  Her name was Miss Ellis when I first had her for a teacher, then when I was grade 6 or 7 she married.  I recall thinking how old she was, she was in her 30s and this might have been 1950, being in your 30s and single was really strange then.  Somethings have changed for the better....Thank God.  Enough for now.

Monday December 6th, 2010................8:22p.m.

Evan From Heaven

Saturday, December the 3rd was my great grandsons first Birthday.  I have 4 great grandchildren, I told you I was old.  They are Evan, Alexandra, (Lexie) Kailum and Logan.  All four babies were born within 8 months of each other.  I hope that they grow up knowing each other and liking and enjoying each other.  My children don't know their cousins, mostly because my sister's 7 children all live in the Untied States.  I may make a trip to see them this spring or summer.  Most of them live in Florida, one that I know of lives in New York State.  I would like to find a way for my children to know my sisters children.  I will work on that.

I worked Friday and Saturday and part of today.  Thursday night and Friday we got 19" of snow in Paisley.  I am beginning to think it will be that kind of winter, which may mean that I get to work this blog a lot.  I was looking Ted and Babes 2 dogs and 4 cats Friday night and Saturday until about noon.  I left their home about noon and drove to Norm and Sue's in Walkerton where I cared for their 4 dogs.  They have 3 Yorkies and a Border Collie cross.  I love all these dogs but have a special affection for Maizie, their 12 year old Yorkie.  She is blind and deaf, but she has a special quality that almost speaks to me.  I took her in the bed with me last night, she was shivering like she was cold, and perhaps she was, she has a little coat she wears but she has very little hair, so when I put her for her last pee last night she was shivering when she came in.  I put her under the covers with me and she snuggled into me and stopped shivering.  She slept through the night.  When the other dogs woke up for their morning pee at about 7:00a.m., I took her out for a minute then brought her back into the bed and we slept for a couple of more hours.  I may not ever have the opportunity to be that close to Maizie again and I am so glad that we had this time together.  All of the animals I cared for this weekend are special to me.  They are also lucky little creatures; they are all loved by the people who share their lives.  I consider myself to be a fortunate person to know them, the animals and their keepers.  it takes a special breed of people to have these animals who are all so loving and give so much pleasure.  Enough for now.  perhaps more later.

Sunday December 5h, 2010...................6:24p.m.

Demeter The Goddess Of Life

Three of her daughters Peresphone, Artemis and Psyche through monotheism became known as Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty.  Figues huh.  Bathroom reading 101.  Just a little info for anyone interested.  Information garnered from "Women And Madness" by Phyllis Chesler.  I am re reading this book after about 10 years.  I have a real interst in mythology especially combined with feminism.  This is a book I read a paragraph or two at a reading, never more.  I sometimes regret the speed reading course I took so many years ago.

The Christmas tree is up and the Christmas table cloth is on the table.  Christmas spent with a family is so much more, more what?  More everything I think, fun, exciting, and enriching.  The Christmas's I spent alone before moving here were not nearly so meaningful as they are with this family.  Christmas day was always spent at the dropin centre, at least I knew what I was doing that day and a lot of people who might have been alone on Christmas day had the option of being with others.  it served a purpose for me and hopefully for others.

There was a lot of snow today and it was first day probably since last winter that I didn't go out.  I slept late this morning and woke up with a blurry left eye.  I also did a lot of sneezeing all day so it was probably sinus problems, gone now so no problem.  Closing in on 11;00p.m and bedtime for me.

December 2th, 2010...........10:58p.m.

Age And Forgetting

Sometimes I forget that I am old.  In fact most times I forget that I am old. My left knee is my only constant reminder that I am old, or at least it is old.  Sometimes I walk by a mirror and wonder for a second who that is. Lately I have been forcing my mind back as far as I can. The 2nd World War ended when I was six.  The only memory I have that is clear is the Nickel Plant whistle blowing and blowing and blowing.  We were living in Port Colborne and the Nickle Plant whistle blew every day at noon and 5:00p.m. or so I have been told.  That day in June it blew off schedule and for a long, long time.  I asked someone, probably my mother why the whistle was blowing and she said "The War is Over" that was the first time I knew there was a war and it was over.  Later maybe a year or more later I found some little books in a drawer, the only reason that I paid any attention to them was because one of them had my name on it.  Again I didn't know what they were.  Turns out they were ration books and I guess that everyone got books of rations with their name on them.  That may have been the first time that I seem name in print.  I wish I remembered more about the war but I don't; just the whistle blowing when it was over and a little book of coupons that had my name on it.  There were 7 children in the house at the time and autonomy was practically non existant.  I remember the phrase "You Kids" a lot; like you kids shut up and you kids get out of my site  On the rare occasion that I was called by name it usually meant that I was in trouble.  Perhaps that is why I never liked my name, somehow there was pain attached to my name; and lets face it my step sisters name was Betty, my sisters name was Peggy, I had a friend named Jeannie; compared to those names Dayle was different, no one else I knew had that name.  I had to grow into my name; for many years now I have liked my name and strangely enough for all the same reasons that I disliked it then.  Dayle Amelia, it is a strong name.  There is no way to make a nickname out of it.  Now and for most, if not all of my life when I am in a group of people and someone says Dayle there are not 3 or 4 people who look up.  When I was at cards Monday night someone called Barb and 3 women looked up, that never happens to me.  We had our first real snow fall today, (at my age you are allowed to change conversation direction whenever you want or get uncomfortable.....bonus).  It is December and I feel the onset of winter and that is o.k. I really don't have to be anywhere; even my pet/house sitting clients won't go anywhere if the weather is to bad and those who do know they would have to pick me up and get to their house or I will call Harold and if he can he will help me.
I have been forgetting my gratitude list and I don't want to do that.  So tonight I am grateful tonight for the warm, comfortable, loving home I live and sleep in, and for my daughter and my son in law who both work hard to make it that way.  Now off to my favorite Solitary Indulgence.

December 1st, 2010............11:13p.m.