"I Guess I Just Wasn't Made For These Times"

This is a title of a song by the Beach Boys.  I am not sure what year it was written but I am guessing the 70s.  Here is the first stanza of the song:

"I keep looking for a place to fit
where I can speak my mind
I've been trying hard to find the people
that I won't leave behind".

"Where I can Speak My Mind"........I guess this blog is that place for me.  I knew way, way back, more than 60 years back, that talking wasn't safe.  Words were never safe leaving my mouth.  I think I was always able to write better than I spoke, or at least writing was safer.  Recently I have realized that I rush in and out of my topics when I blog.  And the other day while talking to a friend I understood why.  "I am telling the secrets".  Sometimes I wish no one ever read my blog, that way I could write all of the secrets.  Some of these secrets are so old, some are older than me, and I wonder why I feel they still have to be kept.  What will happen to me if I tell all the secrets?  Would I be empty if all the secrets were gone? Already I am feeling anxious.  It is a start, this knowing.  Maybe some of the secrets are so old they have turned to stone, maybe ash, but they feel more like stone.

Afternoon Thoughts

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011............2:28p.m.

Dance With Dependencies

This is the title of a book written by Calvin Helin.  I heard an interview with him was I drove home today.  As usual I had the radio on CBC and just happened to catch this interview.  I will definately be buying his book or getting on a waiting list at the library for it.  He was quoting someone else when he said "The fastest way to destroy a person is to pay them to do nothing".  I havn't researched the quote yet, but you can be sure that I will and when I get a name I will put it in the next blog.

I understood the quote completely when I heard it.  I knew exactly what this person meant.  When a single person, or a group of people are given welfare by a government agency something is taken away from them; their self respect, self esteem and anything that makes them feel good about themselves.  If they ever had any incentive to work that is taken too.  They are never given enough to live healthily, just enough to exist.  In my previous life, when I chose to work with people who had mental issues that prevented their working, I observed what a disablility pension did to these people.  At first there was the relief that they would have income, then as time went by they realized that there would be enough to get ahead, to better themselves in anyway.  Knowing this does something, something bad, to the human spirit and you slowly but surely give up.
You learn to live without hope that things will ever get any better.  You learn to live with ill fitting dentures and taped up glasses.  Eventually when your dentures break, or just wear out, you have no choice but to learn to live with no dentures at all.  You learn not to smile or to put your hand over your mouth.  You learn a lot of things that human beings should never have to learn, because disability pensions don't cover dentures.  They don't even like to cover dental work on existing teeth and you sure as hell can't afford to pay a dentist.

I believe that Mr Helin is writing about our aboriginal peoples as that is what he is, where he was born and what he grew up with.  I think that that "dependencies" in the title of his book means alcohol and drug dependencies as well.  As I said, I havn't read the book yet.  But I will and I will comment more on it when I do.

Evening thoughts

Monday, August 29th, 2011...........10:41p.m.

"If It Ain't Broke...Break It" Robert J Kriegel

I heard these words this morning on CBC, where else.........Thank God I drive.  I hear most of my blog posts ideas on the radio station that I listen to.  I really liked this title, and wondered why?  Because I just like going against conventional thought?? Maybe.  But I was able to back my thought with some analogies.  I'll bet that slave owners, in the 18th and 19th century in United States and other countries, had that very idea.  Slavery was a system that to many must have seemed like a viable one.  To make it more personal and close to home; what about families where one person has all the power, where the rest of that family cater to this one powerful (loud) person?  I'll bet to him or her that seems like a good system.  In business if you want to keep the paycheque coming in you don't want to "rock the boat", thats for sure.  And Government where people on welfare live on less than $600 a month, while high government officials make six figure saleries plus huge bonus's.  I'll bet they think "hey, this is a great system".

I believe that there are many things that appear to be not broken that should be.  Another book that I need to read.  There are times when my biggest worry seems to be I will never live long enough to read all the books I need to, and perhaps I will not have the time or the courage to write all words that I need to.

Afternoon Thoughts

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011............1:47p.m.

"Before She Was A Mother, She Was A Woman"

More from My Mother Myself.  This is an ad that was run the week before Mother's Day in 1977.  It was run by a well known designer label for womens wear.  What kind of messages were we sending women in 1977, what kind of messages are we still sending women today?  Does it mean to other women that after you become a mother you lose your status as a woman?  Is it just me who thinks that when I read those words?  Before I became a mother I was a child.  It makes me understand why men find women, other than the mother of their of children so desirable.  Even though these women are Mothers, they arn't the mothers of their children.  Maybe having the child of your husband desexualizes you.  Maybe not.  I need another coffee before I go any further with this.  I am having difficulty wrapping my brain around these words.

Morning Thoughts

Thursday, August 25th, 2011............10:02 a.m.

My Mother's Birthday

My Mother would have been 91 years old today.  On Friday she will dead 25 years.  I am not sure how I am feeling about her and everything today.  Her birthday and death day came so close together.  For whatever reason I am feeling sad, tired and a little teary.  I wasn't going to blog, but I wanted to say something on this her birthday.  I am 6 years older than my mother was when she died, just seems strange.  I can no longer say I remember my mother when she was my age, I can't compare myself to her in any way.  I havn't been able to for 6 years.  Will go to bed early and read more "My Mother/Myself".  Appropriate?? I am not sure.

Wednesday, August 24th, 2011...........8:56p.m.

The Canadian Government And The CRTC

Are almost at the top of my least favorite things right now.  For weeks now I have been hearing the same thing on television, it goes something like this:

"The Government of Canada and the CRTC have decided (made law) that of August 31st, 2011 there will no more free reception or any reception from a TV antenna".  This is not a direct quote, but this is what has been decided.  There is something about analog and digital, I think most of us know what anal means and digit to me means a number or a finger or toe.  I can remember a time in my life when the only TV I or my children watched happened when we moved a metal coat hanger around on top of the TV.  I also remember when my children's father climbed up on the roof to put an antenna up so we would get more than 2 or 3 channels.

There are people I know today that have to decide if they use their monthly monies on rent and hydro or if they use it for food that is not 80% starch.  Not every family can afford a multi computer home, even though to get through school it is a necessity.  Now the Canadian Government and the CRTC are making sure that every family pays for cable or a satelite to watch anything on TV.  I would like to suggest that the Government of Canada and the CRTC do something with their digit and anal...og, but then I remember that I am a lady..........o.k. maybe not always a lady.

Monday, August 22, 2011.........10:28p.m.

More "My Mother/Myself"

I contine to read this book, forcing myself to slow down, trying not to speed read, as I normally do. I am finding some of the old feelings as I read and some new ones, perhaps I have changed, evolved.  I hope so.  Here is a paragraph that I highlighted:

"I only tell my mother what she wants to hear.  The inference is that the lie is an outgrowth of love.  I am merely translating into action my desire to protect my mother.  The fact is I become my mother's protector not because I am such a good daughter but to protect myself. In some part of my psyce I am still a child who is afraid of losing my mother's love even for the short space of an argument.  Telling the truth is a test; it lays bare what in fact goes on between two people."

I changed only the personal pronouns in this paragraph from we to me.  It just felt better to me, more honest.  The last sentence "Telling the truth is a test; it lays bare what in fact goes on between two people", really hit a nerve in me.  I realize that rather than risking losing someone I will quite often say what I think they want to hear.  This can be risky, even dangerous, as my power as a mind reader isn't always 100%.  Yet I lack courage to always be honest about my feeling, I think most of us do that, and for the few who don't I really envy you.

Afternoon Thoughts

Sunday, August 21st, 2011............ 2:01 p.m.

Deference Over Dominance

I hear words, a phrase, whatever and my brain goes into doing it's own thing.  The title words I heard Wednesday afternoon, as usual on CBC.  First let me give a dictionary description fo the words:

Deference..... A deffering or yeilding in judgment or opinion; polite respect

Dominance...... To control or rule by strength, to overlook from a superior height

I see a lot of attemped dominance around me.  This was especially evident when I worked.  It is very hard to escape in a working environment.  Government really likes dominance.  I see it in families, work places and organizations of any kind.

Quite often I will defer to another person, if only because I think that person knows more about the issue at hand.  Of course if I feel that I know more, have experienced more of what we are doing I would expect the other person to defer to me.  Dominance is usually about power, not always about common sense.  I wish people who wanted, demanded dominance understood that for every action there is a reaction. Then they might use that power more wisely.

The person on the radio who was discussing deference and dominance was a dog trainer.  Apparently dogs in a pack will always have a dominant or alpha leader, but the system that works well them is not dominance.
Dogs defer by nature to each other in a healthy way.  I quite often wish that people would pay more attention to their animal friends, there is much we could learn.

Morning Thoughts................

Friday, August 19th, 2011............9:48 a.m.

Advertising And Other Things That Annoy Me

I watch a lot of TV.  It is mindless entertainment and sometimes I learn something.  Recently I have learned how ridiculous advertising can be.  First, I want to know what is wrong with having wrinkles?? And do you have you any idea how many products there are availale to diminish, disguise and cover them up?  And have you a clue how much money you would have to spend to do this?  At 72 I don't many people under 27 who don't have a couple.  I am a firm believer in letting you spend your money any way you want, however, I just think you should know that no matter how much money you spend trying to hide them, they are still  under the stuff you have just smeared all over your face.  If you have toooo much money you can do laser surgery or real surgery and then wait a few months for them to reappear.  I still don't understand what is so shameful about aging.

As I sit in front of the TV I hear thing like "Use this chemical colouring stuff to make your hair look natural".  Is it just me or is that is a really stupid statement?  When I want my hair to look it's natural colour I don't have to put chemical stuff on it, I just have to wash it and leave it alone.  And another thing.........what's all this crap about mens hair looking good with "a little bit of grey".  What about women's hair? Why doesn't it look good with "a little bit of grey"?  Sometimes I think advertisers must believe we are really dumb and maybe we are, drug store aisles seem to have more of these products than anything else.  Just a couple of things that annoy me.

Thoughts in the afternoon

Wednesday, August 17, 2011............1:37p.m.

"I Always Lied To My Mother. And She To Me."

These are the two opening lines in the book "My Mother, My Self" written by Nancy Friday in 1977.  I read this book in 1978 while my mother was still living and have just started reading it again.  I very seldom read a book twice, so this one must have had a real impression on me 33 years ago.  I wonder how I will feel about this book now as compared to how I felt about it then.  I recall feeling fear while I read it 33 years ago, fear that my mother would somehow know I was reading it and disapprove.  My mother's approval was something I was always looking for and something I felt that I never got.  I remember hiding the book in a drawer in my bedroom so she wouldn't know I was reading it.

As a 70 Something Woman I realize that I never would have won the Mother of The Year award either, however, I don't think my children ever feared me.  I was always in awe of my children.  I think that being in awe of something means that you somewhat fear it, so perhaps I was one who feared my children, but I never consciously felt that way.  My feelings were more like "Wow, Look What I Did/Made", it was that kind of awesome feeling.  If anyone reading this knows my children you will know what I mean.  I will continue to read the book and update you on my feelings about this book now.  About the change in my feelings, the difference, if any that 33 years has made.

Thoughts in the afternoon

Monday, August, 12th, 2011...............2:19 p.m.

Skin Deprivation

Most people at some time in their lives will suffer from skin deprivation.  To me this simply means the lack of human touch.  From reading I have done (I do a lot) this is especially devasting to babies, who fail to thrive, perhaps even to survive when not held often.  Babies cry for a reason, sometimes that reason is simply because they want/need to be held.  I don't think we spoil babies when we pick them up and hold them, if we did I would have had the most spoiled children.

As a 70 something woman I have known a lot of people who have or are now suffering from lack of touching (skin deprivation).  I am very fortunate woman because my family is a very huggy bunch, perhaps because as babies they were held so much.  As people get older, especially if they live alone, there is less opportunity of getting hugged or held.  When I was working in the mental health field I made it a point to give everyone a hug at the beginning or end of a session, unless that person was uncomfortable being touched.  I really learned something through doing that, even men and women who were sometimes stiff as a board the first time I hugged them, came to look forward to that hug at the end of their session and many even intitated it or waited for it.  I realized then that for some of these people this could be the only human touch they were experiencing.  It was sometimes the beginning of getting well mentally and even physically for many people.
It seems to me that this is more of a problem for men than women.  For whatever reason women feel comfortable hugging other women, whereas men find this more difficult.  No matter how old we get there is a  part of us, the infant part that hopefully never goes away, craves human touch.

So, HUG SOMEONE TODAY

Thoughts in the afternoon

Friday August 12th, 2011............4:28p.m.

"Time Is Out Of Joint" Shakespeare's, Hamlet

Sometimes the strangest words catch my attention.  Not that I find Shakespeares work stange, well perhaps sometimes I do, however this line resonated strongly with me.  When I look back over my 70 something years time has been out of joint so often that is has more the rule rather than the exception.  When I became a mother, right after my 16th birthday, most of my friends still had a year or two to finish high school.  When I became a mother the second time, just before my 18th birthday, most of my peers were talking prom dresses and graduation.  After my first divorce at 20 most of my friends were thinking of getting engaged.  Things certainnly seemed backward and time seemed out of joint.

My first divorce was actually funny, but only in hindsight.  At the time it was frightening, sometimes terrifying.  In 1958 you had to be 21 years old to be given custody of your own children.  I wasn't therefore I could not be granted custody of my children.  In fact I was to young to get a divorce legally.....I hadn't been to young to get pregnant, get married, give birth twice, but I was to young to get divorced.  This was somehow overcome by having myself and my two children put in step father's custody, I chose him over my mother, if you had known my mother you would understand why.  I wish I still had my divorce papers, I am referred to as the infant (I was under 21) and the spinster (I had been unmarried previous to my marraige) in the same paragraph.  In 1958 the only grounds for divorce was adultery; I volunteered to be the infant adulteress, even at that age I thought the word "adulteress" was pretty neat.  However, the courts would not just take my word that I was guilty of adultery, I had to pay someone who I had never met $200 to swear that I had was guilty ( I developed a real respect for the law at a young age).

I became a grandmother at age 38, that same year two of my friends became first time mothers.  I began my real career when I was closing in on 50 years old, many people I knew were planning their retirement at that time.  Yup, "Time has certainly been out of joint for me".

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Wednesday, August 10th, 2011...........4;22p.m.

"Money Is A Way Of Keeping Score"...Donald Trump

Mind you it is only one of keeping score.  I don't like keeping score, it tires me out and I guess it just isn't the way the mind works.

In my 70 something years I have been what many would consider poor, although I don't think I ever felt poor.  Sometimes I felt scared, perhaps that is my way of feeling poor.  I have worked at jobs that payed less than minimun wage, I have held jobs that paid very well and I have volunteered, or given my time away.
I usually don't have a lot of good things to say about myself (bad self image??) but one thing that I like about myself is that I am resourceful.  For me, I have always found a way to make money if I really need or want it.

Perhaps it is good, or possibly bad genes, but my attitude about money seems to be uniquely my own.  I don't really like spending money, but I enjoy giving it away.  For me money wasn't meant to be spent, it was meant to save.  Money represented safety to me.  Most of my young life I felt that I was at the mercy of other people; for anyone who has ever experienced this feeling (everyone I know) you know how uncomfortable this feeling is.  I had a grandmother, my father's mother, who had more influence on me than she ever knew where money is concerned.  I was about 10 years old when I was telling her about books that I had read and I enjoyed.  She opened her purse and took out her bank book, I had never seen one before, she said "this is one of the most important books you will ever own, this book can make sure that you are never dependent on anyone".  I didn't get to spend a lot of time with this grandmother, my own mother wouldn't allow it.  And I don't think she ever realized how much her words and actions impacted on me.  As a child this woman was the only person that I felt asolutely sure loved me.  Perhaps that is why I remember most of what she told me in the few times we spent together.  I am grateful to my Grandma O'Neill and wish I had known her better.

Afternoon Thoughts

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011.........2:20p.m.

"Worrying Is Like Praying For Something You Really Don't Want"

I don't know where this quote originated, like so many others I heard it on the CBC radio station as I was driving home from Port Elgin this afternoon.  Lately this station has been fading in and out on me, so catching the quote in it's entireity was one of those things that I feel was meant to be.  Perhaps I was meant to hear it, or needed to hear it.

If you believe in the "Law Of Attraction" and I do, then you will understand that what you think about, especially what you dwell on, you will attract.  For example:  when I am constantly thinking that I shouldn't eat ice cream I am much more likely to find myself shopping for ice cream, if can think that I should eat more fruit I inevitaly find myself buying fruit.  It works for me in every department of my life, when I find myself thinking about friends I find more people who are willing to be friends, when I spend time thinking about people who have hurt me I know I am trouble.  And I am giving my power away to negative thoughts and people.  I am so glad that I am aware of the laws of Karma, it allows me to let go of the negativity and let the Universe mete out the justice that is deserved.  For me it never fails.

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Friday, August 5, 2011.........4:47p.m.

My Book.."The Language Of Letting Go" On Gratitude

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events.  It can turn an existance into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."

This is just a paragraph from the daily reading for August 1st.  I have owned this book for about 12 years.  I have spilled coffee on it, jotted down phone numbers in it and even left it outside over night to get rained on.  It is somewhat torn and worn in places, yet I take it everywhere I go.  It has been in a number of Provinces, 4 or 5 States and a few counties in Europe.  It never loses it's appeal for me and I always find something to help my day better in it.  I have read it through happy times and found more to celebrate.  I have read it when my emotional pain was so bad it was visceral and found enough strength to continue another day.

Tonight I am grateful for my book.

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011..............11:11p.m.

Work, Family, Loved Ones And New Friends

It has been more than a month since I have blogged.  The month of July was spent working; 2 weeks looking after a small dog and a home in Port Elgin, then 2 weeks with a cat and a house in Teeswater, I guess you could say I was cat housesitting.  I am grateful that both houses were air conditioned, I missed most of the really uncomfortable days and nights filled with heat and humidity and for that I am grateful.  For me time with animals is time very well spent.  I learned so much the many years that I worked with people and I find I am still learning as I work with animals.  The simple needs of dogs and cats and the real gratitude and love they shower on you for the basic acts of feeding, watering or walking them is theraputic for me, as is the time that I get to spend alone.  Like most people I sometimes try to avoid alone time, yet when I am forced to spend time with just me I realize that I enjoy my own company.  I like watching what I prefer on TV, taking a nap if I feel tired and not having to entertain anyone or be entertained.

I also enjoyed the time spent with friends.  I think that I enjoy the time with friends more when I have had alone time.  I had an old friend spend a week with me in Teeswater.  I only get to see her one week out of the year,  therefore the entire week is spent catching up on what has happened in our lives the previous 51 weeks.  I also spent time with children, grandchildren and this summer with my great grandchildren.  Kalium, my great gerandson turned one last Saturday and there was a marvelous party held for him in Kitchener, at the home of his materal grandparents.  I have pictures taken at his birthday and will attempt to put one in this blog.  Wow, there it is.  This is my youngest son's grandson, so far of my 4 great grandchildren Kalium is the only one to carry on the white, blonde hair gene.  Thank you Kalium.  I was afraid we were going to lose it in this generation.  In this picture he is with his maternal grandfather and seems to be really enjoying his chocolate birthday cake, which he managed to get all over his body, including the back of his head.  The pictures of the birthday party were taken by someone very special to me; thank you for being there for Kalium and me.  You made the day special for both of us.  On August 13th there is another special day for my great grandson Logan, hopefully we have the same photographer and I will be able to display another magnificent baby boy.

Past my bedtime.  Time for me to sleep and give thanks to the Universe for a wonderful day and family, loved ones and friends old and new.

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011..........11:47 p.m.