More on Carrying The Load

Just a couple of more thoughts on this topic.  I was thinking this afternoon back to a time when someone else carried my load for a while.  There was a time at the worst of my addictions when someone else carried my load.  Perhaps there are times when we all carry the load for someone else.  This is probably even healthy when it is reciperocal.  For a couple, even for friends there are going to be times when one is the stronger. Hopefully when the other is going through a time of difficulty the one who was carried will do the carrying.
Maybe that is what love, caring and friendship is about.  As A 70 Something Woman there will no doubt come a time when the child I cared for will care for me.  I would like to think that they will do it with the love and care that I felt for them.  The giving and receiving, the rhythm of life.  Tired now, I just knew I had to work this through a bit more.  Perhaps I am not finished yet, but I am for tonight.

Monday, February 28th......12:33a.m.

"It's Not The Heavy Load That Breaks You, It"s The way You Carry It" Lena Horne

I heard this quote last night while watching the Academy Awards on TV. I don't understand what there is about me that seems to pick up these quotes, even when I am supposedly not looking or listening for them.
Perhaps I just hear what I am supposed to hear.  I have often carried a much heavier load than I needed to.  Sometimes whatever load I was carrying I didn't carry right.  When I was pregnant with my children I never felt I was carrying a heavy load, well maybe the last few weeks, but even then I had a feeling of excitement and expectation during those times.  Often I have carried loads, (worries) that were not really mine, these are really heavy ones and I don't think there is any right way to carry them, you should just give these loads to the person who they belong to. But what if you feel if that the person they belong to arn't capable of carrying them? And you care for that person, do you carry their load for them then?  I don't know the answer to this question, however, if I decide to carry someone else's load I should do it willingly and with a light heart, not begrudgingly as I sometimes do.  I am not sure where this martyr part of me comes from.  I believe that we don't do anything in life that doesn't give us some kind of payoff and I am not sure what kind of payoff I get or am looking for when I find myself in this position.  Just food for thought, will write on a happier note tonight, at least I hope so.

Monday, February 28th, 2011.............2:41p.m.

Serenity

I have a lot more serenity than I used to.  Sometimes I am unaware how much of it I do have.  I remember trying so hard to achieve serinity.  I hadn't learned yet working for serenity was a lot like trying really hard to fall asleep, it doesn't work that way.  I become aware of my serenity when I am not thinking about it or working hard for it.  It usually happens when I am alone or with someone that I am very comfortable with.  For me serenity is a by product of my living well, taking care of myself and being grateful for what and who is in my life.  When I think of my life I have be so grateful for the people who inhabit it, not just the people that I see everyday but the ones in my thoughts and my memories.  I have "enough".  All of my young life I didn't just think there wasn't enough, there really wasn't enough.  As a child there wasn't enough of anything to go around, especially time or affection.  Children are amazing they know that what you love you give time and attention to.  I believe that many adults, especially older people are what I call "skin deprived".  That simply means they arn't touched enough, arn't hugged or held enough.  For a lot of people when sex stops, touching stops and then you are left "skin deprived" and at some level of your consciousness you miss it, you know that you need that and a part of you withers and dies without it.  I am grateful tonight for my children, grandchildren, all small children who hug me, for my friends who hug me and give me warmth.

Saturday, February 26th, 2011............11:02p.m.

" Not All Cripples Are In Wheelchairs" (My Friend Alex)

This was part of a converstaion I had with a friend this afternoon.  When I first heard it, it resonated somehow with me; enough that I asked him if I could use this for my blog.  It is so true.  There have been times in my life when I was in such pain, emotional and physical that I didn't understand how others could even look at me and not see and know my pain.  I have known many people that look "fine" and even say to the world that they are "fine".  I am so fortunate that I have a couple of people in my life that I can be honest with, that I trust enough to share, thus letting go of some of the pain.  If you have even two of these people in your life you are a fortunate soul.  I have been emotionally crippled, financially crippled, and paralized by fear and hurt.  I want to remember that not all cripples are in wheelchairs, some of us are the walking wounded.

Friday, Frebruary 25, 2011............11:10p.m.

Age And Worth

A long time ago, probably 15 years ago, I was in a car accident.  I was hit by an impaired driver.  It happened on a long weekend during the 1st of August.  I had my 3 granddaughters in the car with me.  It was a nightmare.  We waited 3 or 4 hours for the police.  Thankfully the girls were not hurt.  I thought I was fine also, but sometime that night I developed neck and back pain.  I did go and see my Dr., after some time it was decided by him that I had soft tissue damage.  I had all kinds of treatment for this injury.  Eventually I went to a personal injury lawyer, initially because I was so angry with my own Insurance Company.  At that time my job involved mainly sitting, taking a few notes and listening.  At home housework, particularly vacuuming and reaching over my head was very painful.  I kept getting telephone calls while at my place of work from a woman who worked for my own Insurance Company asking me why if I could go to work, then why couldn't I do my own vacuuming and housework.  I told her nicely the first 3 or 4 times that my job didn't include pushing a vacuum or reaching over my head..Finally on the 7th or 8th call telephone call to me at my office I told her I wasn't the f@#king janitor, then I hung up and made the lawyer appt.
The point I am taking so long to make here is that my lawyer told me I should sue the Insurance Company of the other driver, that I had a good case and would no doubt get a settlement.  However, I was to old to go for really big money.  I did recieve a reasonable amount of money.  What began to bother me a short time later was the age issue thing.  Who gets to decide that the last 20 or 10 or perhaps 30 years of your life is worth less (worthless) than the first years of your life.  It is my opinion that the older the person the more they should be worth, and that isn't the opinion of a 70 Something Woman, I have always felt that way.  I am not finished with this subject but done enough for tonight.

Thursday, February 24th, 2011....................11:53p.m.

"There Can Be No Deep Disappointment Where There Is No Deep Love" Martin Luther King

I recieved this quote from someone who means so much to me.  I decided to do a blog on it for that reason.  I would probably change the word the word disappointment to "hurt", but that would be changing a famous man's quote, so I won't do that.  Someone I know, or someone who is just an acquaintance cannot hurt me or disappoint me that much.  The more you care the deeper the hurt.  Knowing that has kept me from caring deeply for anyone for a long, long time.  I have come to realize that although I save myself from pain (hurt) that way I also lose something very precious, and that is the possibility for great joy.  I suppose that is one of my "uncomfortable truths".  I need to think more on this.

Manana

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011........11:35p.m.

Soul Sickness

When the soul is neglected, it doesn't just go away; it appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence and loss of meaning.  I read that not long ago in a book I have.  I spoke for a friend at her 15 year medallion last night and realized that my soul sickness has not completely healed.  It is much better and hopefully continues to heal.  Certainly I have known the obsessions, addictions and loss of meaning.  Probably the violence was something I experienced in a more passive aggressive way.  I had a teacher once who gave the best defination for passive aggressiveness, he said passive aggressive to him "was like a very large dog licking your face while pissing on your shoes".  I had to much fear to ever be really aggressive, so I developed a real talent for the passive aggession.  That is something I really dislike in others, no doubt because I am so aware of it in myself.  I have found that things I really dislike in others are usually things I am guilty of myself.  After speaking last night I am aware that my inner child is alive and maybe not all that well yet.  Perhaps she needs a little more attention.  There are times that I try to ignore her, to push her down and away.  That is always a bad idea because she is still angry, hurt and needy.  Sometimes I wonder if she will ever completely heal, or if there are parts of my 4 and 7 year old self that are just to damaged.  Occasionally she will try to run the show, that can be embarrassing when you are A 70 Something Woman.  She needs so much nurturing and I find I can't always give her that.  Sometimes the best way for me to do that is to nurture another 4 year old little girl.  I did that a few weeks ago when we had our 4 year old Princess here and I realized the benefits from it.  I will work on that.  Right now it nearing bedtime.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011.................11:19p.m.

Beliefs Are Stories We Tell Ourselves

This is something my granddaughter told me earlier today before she left for home about 5:00p.m.  When Luisa visits it is such a treat for the entire family.  We all want a part of her and the good part is she wants a part of all of us.  I am not sure if "Beliefs Are Stories We Tell Ourselves" was original or if she was quoting someone, but the statement caught my attention and I jotted it down, I do that a lot, when I read something, hear something on TV or on my car radio.  I have actually pulled my car off the road and wrote words down before I forgot them, such are the power words have over me.
I am not even sure what my beliefs are anymore.  As a young woman I had such strong beliefs.  I would have written a much different blog 30 years ago.  Perhaps I should start with what I don't believe.  I don't believe any one person has all the answers.  I don't believe any one book can provide all the answers either, particularly if that book is based on any organized religion or put out by any political party....O.K. here are a couple of my beliefs; I believe that if wanted to bake the best chocolate ever I would go to the person who I thought baked the best chocolate cake.  I believe that if I felt the absolute need to share a confidence there are 3 people, of the all the people I have got to know in 72 years that I would be comfortable doing that with.  I believe that we are only as sick as the secrets we keep.  I believe that of all the men I have known in 72 years there are two that loved/love me.  I believe I would give my life for my children, and scarier than that, seeing as I am being honest, I would give yours too.  I believe that I am on the side of the person I love, in fact I have no interest in even hearing the other side, if I love you I AM ON YOUR SIDE.  And I believe that that is not always a good thing, but it is a true thing.  I believe right now I am very tired and sleep deprived.  So I am signing off.

Sunday, February 20th, 2011..........10:09p.m.

Granddaughter Of My Soul

I am expecting a visit tonight or tomorrow from Luisa who is the "Granddaughter of My Soul".  Not only was I was very blessed by my children, I have been blessed with my grandchildren. Luisa is not a biological granddaughter, she is a granddaughter through my grandson's good choice in women and through my love for her.  Luisa and I first met briefly a couple of times at my son's home in Hamilton.  Then about 4 years ago in November, I got a happy Birthday E mail from my grandson and a p.s. happy birthday from Luisa, explaining who she was; Chad's girlfriend.  This happened again that Christmas, Merry Christmas from grandson and a p.s. again from Luisa explaining who she was.  I remember I E mailed her at that time telling her I knew she who she was and she was not just Chad's girlfriend.  From there began one of the most wonderful relationships of my life.  Luisa is one of the women whos beauty shines from the inside through to the outside, as does her intelligence and personality.  Even though the Luisa is young, in her early 30s, (she is A 30 Something Woman) and one that I am so happy and proud to have in my life.  I am so looking forward to this weekend with her.  She is a gift to me and anyone else who is fortunate enough to have her in their life.  Today I am grateful for Luisa and the granddaughters of My Heart, My Soul and My Spirit.


Friday, February 18th, 2011...........4:30p.m.   

"An Eye For An Eye Makes The Whole World Blind".......Gandhi

When I was still working, before I was terminated, I had quotations stuck all over the walls of my office.  A number of those quotes were from Gandhi, the one in the title was my favorite.  There have been many times in my life when I wanted revenge.  I have come to understand that there is a difference between justice and revenge.  And the even bigger revelation to me was that I don't get to dispense justice.  And I am so glad about that.  I wouldn't want that responsibility.  I believe that the Universe dispenses justice, in fact I would go one step further and say that we dispense our own justice.  When we deliberatly and with malice of forethought hurt someone, we set something in motion and that something will make a full circle and we will be hurt, usually more hurt that than person we did harm to. That is what I call Karma.
It also makes me very aware now of what I do and say, because I have hurt people and the suffered the Universe's consequences.  It used to be difficult for me to say I am sorry, I was wrong.  Now I say it as quickly as possible, and not for the sake of person I have injured or slandered, but for my own sake, it eases my own suffering.  It is to bad that it takes us as long it does to learn these lessons.  It seems we don't learn until we hurt enough.  I believe that I have learned this lesson and I am grateful for that.

Thursday, February 17th, 2011.........11:46p.m.

Granddaughter Of My Heart

I have taken this from my granddaughter's facebook.  Hope you don't mind Jasmine.  It is beautiful just like you.  Your Grandma Loves You............

"Imagine if we replaced all of the hurt in our hearts with forgiveness, all of the fear with thoughts of growth......
life would be a sweeter, easier, more exciting endeavor.  This is my goal and my wish".

It has been a good day.  I feel the warmth of those who love me and who I love back.

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011.......11:42p.m.

Teaching And Learning

"I never teach my pupils. I only try to present the conditions under which they can learn"  Albert Einstein

I have always had my doubts about school, especially for very young children.  Have you ever really observed a child between birth and 5 yrs old?  Before the school system has a chance to grind them up and spit them out.  There is a great deal goes on before the school system starts to mold them.  The defination of mold is: A shaped cavity to give something a definate shape.  So, before these very young human beings are sent to an institution (school) to be molded, they learn thousands of things, not the least of which is walking, talking, balance and so many other things that they will use all of their lives,  Hopefully they are provided with the conditions under which they can learn, then hopefully again they are allowed to learn.  There is something about school that bothers me.  A four year old being graded (judged) really bothers me, mostly because whoever is doing the judging should, but perhaps doesn't know that that grade (judgement) follows that child the rest of his/her school life.  I remember when my youngest grandchild was 3 years old and in preschool he got a report card and it wasn't meant to be flattering.  Actually parts of pleased me, "he doesn't colour inside the lines" Well shit, none of my family colours within the lines, how boring would that be anyway??? "he won't sit still and be quiet".  He was three for God's sake, he isn't supposed to sit still and be quiet, no three year old should sit still or be quiet.  I guess you get it by now I am not a fan of the public school system.  And from what I have read Albert Einstein didn't read or write until he was ten years old and he seemed to do alright.  I just wish that there wasn't so much emphasis in trying to make all of our youngest people so
"uniform".  Definition of Uniform:  Always the same, as in character or degree, unvarying, conforming to one principle, standard, or rule, consistant.  Now how freaking boring would that be.........................
Monday, Valentines Day, February 14th, 2011.............11;39p.m.

Denial

Denial is a much maligned word in many communities of people.  I have come to see it a little differently.  For me quite often denial is the beginning of acceptance.  I have a book I have used for many years,every day iit has a daily reading.  I have owned many different types of these books over the years and have finally decided that this book is best for me.  It is called "The Language Of Letting Go" the author is Melanie Beatty.  In one of the daily readings it describes denial as being a shock absorber for the soul.  In Elizabeth Keebler Ross'book "The Five Stages Of Dying" Denial is the first stage.  I think we all need and use denial at some point of our lives.  When the mind is unable to accept a reality, denial is a very helpful tool.  For myself even when I am in denial it is usually because I need to be.  I need more time to accept a circumstance.  It is the time I spend almost sleep walking through my life, not yet ready to accept whatever reality it is I have to accept, but like I said earlier it is my first stage of acceptance.  The numbness that I experience during denial time is my mind and bodies way of helping me through that time.

I am feeling better today, the cold is slowly subsiding.  February is half over and spring is on its way.  Today I am grateful for denial being there for me until I am ready to accept reality.

Sunday, February 13th, 2011...........2:40p.m.

Sick

I am not feeling well, however, I did get out today.  I have been housebound for 6 days.  I can remember when that would have made me crazy, but the last 6 days have passed in a pleasant routine.  Then I got up this morning and the driveway was clear, the sun was shining brightly and I felt like hell.  My head is stuffed up, and my ears are ringing.  When I get this kind of cold I begin to feel that everything is not quite real.  I did go and get weighed and I have finally lost 30 lbs.  It took a long time, since September, but it was a good feeling.  I attended a 15 year A.A. birthday tonight and that was uplifting.  I did not feel up to driving so a good friend came and picked me up.  When I look back over the past almost 3 years, I realize how far I have come.  And I appreciate the new people in my life.  I have friends again.  Tonight I am sleeping in someone elses home, but I will sleep well and easy, as I know this is one of my safe places.
Tonight I am grateful for friends and lessons I have learned in the past 3 years and everything that I have gained from an experience that seemed to come from hell.

Friday, February 11, 2011..............10:45p.m.

Go With Your Mind? Heart?...No and No.....Gut? Always

It took me a long time to learn this lesson, hell, it took me a long time to learn any lesson.  But this one I learned well.  I have tried in the past to determine the best route for myself.  I have spent much trying to think my way through many dilemmas.  I can get up there in my head and justify and rationalize until I come up with an airtight case for either side of the equation.  I can argue pro or con for anything you can name and even convince myself.  My heart, well it is like me; directionally challenged.  And I have quite often confused my heart with my hormones, a common mistake I think.  My gut however never lies to me, confuses me or misleads me.  If it feels right in my gut I know it is right.  If it is wrong my gut really lets me know, I mean that literally, I will have stomach pains, nausea, sometimes even diarreah.  I don't think we pay enough attention to what our bodies are telling us.  Maybe you do, but I didn't, not for a long time.  Sometimes I still don't, but the 70er I get the more I do.  That is my message to myself tonight.
I am grateful to my gut for letting me know when I am doing right and wrong........More tomorrow.

Thursday, February 10th, 2011.........11:32p.m.

Blame

Wikipedia's Definition:  "The act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise."

This is the defination of blame that I found when I looked it up on Wikipedia and I suppose it as good as any.
It made me think how easily and quickly we assign blame.  All of us, me included.  It made me remember times when I was the blamed and when I was the one doing the blaming.  It seems to be such as instinctual thing to do.  It is so much easier to blame someone, something, anything.  And it is quick, dealt with, over.  He/She is guilty, to blame.  Mind you I don't usually who that person is, anything about the circumstances, nothing.  Quite often it is just something I heard on the radio, read in the paper, or overheard in a family or friends conversation.  I don't know why at that time I don't remember when it was me who was being blamed, sometimes justifiabley, sometimes totally unjustifiably.  How alone and unwanted I felt at those times,
how much guilt and shame I was feeling.  It is strange even when I was being blamed unjustly I felt as much shame as I would have had I been guilty.  What a blessing it would have been at that time if one person, any person, had said "please tell me your side of it, I will hear you without prejudice".  How healing those words would have been.  The last time I was accused unjustly I was told by a lawyer that I could not talk to anyone, everything would be said in court.  What he didn't say was court might not take place until a year or two had passed and many thousands of dollars were spent.  What a horribly lonely time that was.

When it someone we love who is accused, that is an awful time also.  As parents, family or friends almost always hold themselves responsible.  I have a child, who in his younger years, was in trouble with the law quite often.  Unless you have experienced this you have no idea about the isolation and once again "shame" that is involved.  The inner dialogue goes something like this "If I had been better parent, brother, sister, friend this wouldn't have happened".  And you know what?  maybe it would and maybe it wouldn't.  No one goes through life totally untouched by blame, whether guilty or not.  And there is certainly enough blame to go around; lets see there is family, school, church, alcohol, drugs, the economy and the entire social situation.
Next time I open my mouth to assign blame I am going to try to remember what I have written tonight.
Tonight I am grateful for those who loved me when everyone else was blaming me, even me.

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011............10:52p.m.

"The Road Less Travelled"

This is the title of a book that I read many years ago.  The author is H. Scott Peck.  I already knew of Scott Peck's work, but this title intrigued me.  I feel that I have so often taken the road less travelled.  If I am at the fork of a road and one fork leads to a well travelled, paved, worn road and the other leads to a rough, partially paved, with grass growing up in the middle, road.......Guess which one I usually take?  These less travelled roads have taken me to some interesting places.  Some of these places were scary, some were wonderful, some felt like the way to hell and some led me to some kind of heaven; one thing they all had in common was that none of them were ever dull.  As I look back I realize that I was never a follower, I don't think I was a leader either, at least I never wanted to be.  There were times when I found myself in that role and I would always wonder what I was doing there.  I know now that I have always had touble accepting the "status quo"
whatever that means, I think it means accepting things as they are.  When the way things are appear bad or unhealthy to me I usually set out to change them.  When I was younger I would set out to change them without much thought as to the consequences.  That is the wondeful thing about youth, we don't really stop and consider consequences that much.  I find that as A 70 Something Woman I consider the consequences at least a little more.  However, I still find myself on "The Road Less Travelled" a lot of the time.
Manana................

Sunday February 6th, 2011.............11:05p.m.

A Reason, A Season, Or A Lifetime

A Reason, a Season, or a LifetimePeople come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

I have enjoyed this piece of pros for many years.  Tonight I am re reading it and reprocessing the entire thing.
I wanted to share it with those of you who are not familiar with it and for those who are enjoy it again. Tonight I am grateful for all of my "Reasons , Seasons and Lifetime" people

Saturday February 5th, 2011.........10:12p.m..

Safe Places

I did get out of the house today, not very far, about a 5 minute drive. The roads are not bad but the wind is blowing the snow across them and making visibility not great.  It was good to get out however.  We have a neighbor who does my hair.  She and I work on the barter system; I watch her pets when she is away and she does my hair almost every week,  She and her husband live in a beautiful, old converted school house.  It is an open plan, like the original one room school house that it used to be, with a loft that includes a bedroom and a half bath upstairs.  They have 2 dogs and 4 cats.  These are good people and friends of mine.  You can tell they are good people when you meet their pets, only good people could have animals that loving and trusting.
There have been very few "safe places" in my life.  The home I live in with my daughter and her family is definately one of them.  And the schoolhouse home is another. 
The houses I lived in as a child were not safe places.  As a child when I went home I tried to gauge the mood of my Mother as I neared the door.  That pattern was so established at such an young age and I got so good at it that it is scary when I think of how good I was at it.  Much later in a relationship with a man I was engaged to marry, I used to listen when his car pulled in the driveway and I could tell by the way he closed the car door and how he walked up the stairs, I mean the sound, not even looking at him, just the sound of him walking up the stairs, I could tell how much he had to drink and what his mood would be.  I believe that is called hypervigilance.  I guess I am a hypervigilant person, and perhaps that has served me well.  It has kept me alive, it has kept me safe.
There were a few places where I felt safe in my life.  One was a cottage in Haliburton.  I walked into a cottage one evening, a cottage I didn't know, in a town I had never been to be before and felt safe.  That is a long story; perhaps I will write it one day.  Tonight I am grateful for "safe places' and the people who provide them.

Thursday, February 3rd, 2011...............11:32p.m.

Mellowing

Since I have been a 70 Something Woman, probably even a 60 Something Woman, I have been changing.  And I think that is a good thing, for me change is growth.  I know longer know what is absolutely right and what is absolutely wrong.  There is no longer pure black and pure white, there are many, many shades of gray.  Sometimes I miss that younger woman who had such definate, absolute ideas.  But there is something much kinder, more understanding and more forgiving in the woman I am today.  I try to not to use the words always and never, and I find the people who use these words a lot tend to be pretty close minded.  Pay attention the next time you hear someone say something like "I Never blah blah, and You Always blah blah".
These are people who are not learning, they are not even open to learning or considering new ideas.  For some reason they have completely closed their minds, and that is a shame.  To me it also an indication that they are either very young or very old.  It might be o.k. if they are very young, because they still have time to learn, but if they are over 60 years old and still saying "I Never and You Always" then I would suggest you limit the amount of time spent in their company, they are very likely toxic to you and worse to themselves, as at least you can leave, unfortunately they are stuck with themselves.  It has been a very snowy day here and I didn't get of the house, and even that is o.k. I spent the day with wonderful people and all the comforts that a real home provide.  And tonight on my gratitude list that is one of mine............Until Tomorrow

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011...............11:51p.m.

Memories

One of the nice things about being a 70 something woman is that you should have a lot of memories.  And the weirder and more screwed up your early years were the more memories you will have.  I sometimes wonder about (and envy) women who met "Mr Right" at 18 years old, married him, had their 2.4 children, raised said children, went to work at some good paying job that was fulfulling, paid the mortgage off with the help of "Mr. Right".  Enjoyed their middle years, married off their 2.4 children, retired with "Mr. Right" and eventually ended up in a nursing home, of course with the aforementioned Mr Right, died and were buried in ajoining plots.............The End.  The other part of me, the real part, screams NOOOO at the very idea.  There is something very scary about being that woman.

This may explain why I understood so well schitzophrenic people, particularly females with that disorder.  There has to a very divided part of me, because one part of me yearns for the security of that woman, and the other parts feels a great sorrow and sense of loss for her.  Lets see.....she never really has to struggle, she never feels lost and has to find her own way..........thats good isn't it???  So why are part of my senses flailing against the idea??  I don't think life should be, can be that orderly.  Sometimes it is good when an explosion of some kind shakes your world apart and you find everything you thought was firmly in place, carved in stone and firmly cemented is really set on a fault line and nothing is as you thought it was and never will be again.  It is then that you are shaken out of your complacency, it is then when you find out what you really are capable of, what you really can do; And it is then that memories are created.  These memories of the uprooted you, the surviving you are the memories that are in my head right now.  Hopefully later today I will write more on what I consider this phenonium, this time when your most primal self realizes herself.

Tuesday February 1, 2011.............1:42 p.m.