Solitary Indulgences

It was my plan when I started this blog to write twice a day.  That doesn't seem to be working for me.  The day goes by and then it is dark and I have cards to play or meetings to go to and by the time all is quiet here and I can write, guess what, I am really wanting to indulge in one of my favorite "Solitary Indulgences"  I want to read.  In my bedroom I always have at least two books on the go, God forbid I finish one and don't have another to reach for.  I take a couple of short trips every day, weather permitting, 7 flakes of snow and I will probably not go out; on these trips which last 4 to 14 minutes I always listen to CBC radio.  I learn so much from these commentaries, usually snippets taken out of context of a conversation that I missed the first part of or won't hear the last part of.  Tonight on the approx 7 minute drive home from a meeting I heard the phrase "Solitary Indulgences" and I liked it so much that I have made it the title for tonights blog.  I probably have many solitary indulgences but reading is what came to mind when I heard those words.  In my family of origin I was a really strange bird.  Besides being legally blind without glasses I loved books.  I was told quite often and usually with an backhand or some other implement that would cause pain, that reading was a lazy thing to do and I was therefore a lazy person for doing it.  Even the pain it brought me never stopped me from sneaking books home from school or friends.  Except for a box of books at the end of the hall closet upstairs, I don't remember any reading material in that house.  Because I was so near sighted I had to hold books right up to my eyes to read, and because I would escape into the book, I was caught often.  I have other solitary indulgences; when I am house/pet sitting I watch a lot of television, something I seldom do at home.  It does feel like an indulgence when I watch one movie or program after the other.  I am going to work on the guilt that is involved in my indulgencies.  I think I will start by going to bed and reading my latest book from the library.

Tuesday November 30th, 2010..........11:03p.m.

Home Again

Got home from Harolds about 1:00p.m.  It is always nice to come home to this home.  I feel bad for people who don't want to be home.  I remember that feeling, the feeling that you would rather be any place than home.  I think any place that I go now I feel welcome and here with my daughter, son in law and grandson I really feel at home.  I feel almost as much at home at Harolds.  And when I am looking after peoples homes and pets I feel at home then too.  It is a nice feeling to know that people trust me with their homes and pets, there was a time when even I would'nt have trusted me.  I played cards at the Legion in Paisley tonight.  This was the first step out into the world when I first came to live here.  It was pretty safe, even though I was very fragile at the time.  I think if anyone had been unkind to me that first night I would have burst into tears and never gone back.  I have had a couple of interesting dreams during the last few nights and I will try incorperate them into this blog as to me my dreams hold messages.  One was about my sister, whom I seldom dream about anymore, probably her Birthday brought this dream about.  We were together at a beach site.  There was a relativly high cliff, yet there seemed to easy acess to the water.  I knew the water was the ocean, don't know how I knew that, but I did.  We both had a problem to solve and we were there to solve them.  I felt like the problem had something to do our children, in both cases male children.  My sister had 4 sons and I have 2.  it seemed both of the sons were blond so mine had to be Rusty and hers could have been Bobby or Bradley.  I don't know if we solved our problems with our children but it seemed we did, at least I felt no lingering fears or threats there.  The most interesting part of the dream to me was how high the cliff was, yet how quickly we could get to the ocean and with such ease, like we kind of floated down.  The other dream was about a fireplace, the fireplace in my house in Fenelon Falls I think.  There was a strong wind blowing and I could see that the mortar holding the large stones toghether had seperated and there was wind blowing through.  I was so surprised that there was a break in the mortar..........wow, I am getting this dream as I write it down.  of course there is a break in the mortar, the house, the fireplace is no longer mine.  Even though I know I can go back and live there if I need to it is no longer mine.  there is some grieving in that thought although I wouldn't change it.  I guess like there is grieving when you look at a photograph of yourself 20 or 30 years ago, for me I grieve my lost youth, vitality etc, yet I don't want to go back and do it over.  O.K. think I got that one, but my sister one is still kind of up in the air.  It will soon be tomorrow so off to bed for me.

November 29th, 2010.............11;37p.m.

Sunday Evening

It has a been a quiet weekend with plenty of rest, I don't know why I need the rest as it seems that I don't do much.  However, rest is something I am grateful for.  It seems that I rest better here and at my daughter's home than I did in my own home.  I think in my own home I was always alert especially when I lived alone.  I am still concerned about Lieghann but not as much as last night.  I have heard from my son Rusty and he will keep me informed as to Lieghann's condition and if necessary I will find a way to get to her.  It looks like my next weekend is full as of right now.  I mentioned my little business earlier in a post.  I look after peoples pets and homes when they go away.  This is a business that I started almost by accident, yet it is someting I really enjoy doing.  Friday I will be looking after Ted and Babes 2 dogs and 4 cats until they return Saturday afternoon, then I will drive to a friends home in Walkerton and look after their four dogs.  As I said I really enjoy spending time with the animals, especially Maisie, and it means I get to sleep around a lot.  I am grateful tonight for my little business and the fact that I can still make myself laugh.

November 28th, 2010........11:03p.m.

Saturday Night In Riversdale

I don't think that I worry near as much as I used to, but tonight I am worried about someone I care for very much; my son Rusty's wife, Lieghann is sick.  She has MRSA.  I know a little about about MRSA from when I worked for the Ministry of Health.  It is an infection that is resistant to almost all known antibiotics.  Lieghann has a been a part of my life for many years,  before I was jerked out of my world in the Kawarthas I saw her almost every day.  She was one of the people that made me feel cared for.  I have been fortunate in my life, as I look back on it, that there are as many people as I have who have made me feel cared for.  My family has heard probably more times than they care to how Lieghann looked after me when I contacted some kind of virus that gave me diareaah so bad that I soiled every sheet, blanket and towel in my home. Before I was hospitalized the second time and kept on intervienous for two days Lieghann brought the last clean towel in my home into my bedroom and told me lie down while she bathed me.  It was such an intimate thing to do.  I was so sick and so messy and Lieghann cared for me in a way that I will forget and always be grateful for.  There is nothing this woman could ever do or say that would make me stop loving her.  And of course she loves my child.  When someone loves your loves your child they become very special to you.  So tonight Lieghann is on my mind and in my heart.  Whatever is good in the Universe please look after this woman tonight.

Tonight I am gratefull for the years that Lieghann has been a part of my life and my family.

Novemeber 27th, 2010..............11:29 p.m.

Almost Tomorrow

There is about 40 minutes left in today and I realize that I forgot to write what I am thankfull for.  There are so many things.  I am gratefull for Harold and the care he shows for me.  For his home and my own small room.  I realize that I like small bedrooms, I don't think I would sleep well in a really large bedroom, there seems to be someting intimate in a small room, possibly it is just a return to the womb thing, but for whatever reason my little room here is important to me.  I have a single bed, a dresser and a night stand, with books on the bed, the dresser, the night table and a couple of bags of books on the floor.  I seem to have a fear of not having reading material.  I have noticed that I will not go to sleep after a finishing a book, no matter how late or how tired I am, I will start a new book, even a few pages then turn out the light and sleep.  I sleep very well here, as I do at daughters home.  I feel safe and cared for.  That is what we all need and look for I think.  I am also gratefull to Norm who opens up this meeting every Friday night, on the occasional Friday night that he is away the meeting seems to miss him, it just isn't the same somehow.  So thank you Norm.  O.K. now I can sign out for today.  Talk again tomorrow.

Friday November 26th, 2010...........11:42p.m.

The Day After The Day After

I have to finish the Peggy thing, at least for this year.  There are a number of things I have left out of her Birthday\Death Day post.  In my sister autopsy report I learned her brain weighed 1320 grams.  It wasn't until days or weeks later that I realized they would have to remove her brain to weigh it.  I remember nothing else in the report, when I read the weight of her brain everything else left me.  I don't mean to gross anyone out but this my blog and hopefully by telling it will leave me.

I am at my friend Harold's for the weekend.  I come here most weekends, unless I am working; I look after other peoples homes and pets.  I very much enjoy doing that and it is certainly different than the work I am used to.  I met Harold at a 12 step group that I attend.  He is a good man and has a quality that I seem to need in any man; "he is totally self sufficient, he doesn't need me, he likes and enjoys me".  Probably if he needed me that would frighten me.  Wierd huh?  But thats what so great about having your blog.  You can write your feelings in it.  And since no one except my granddaughter is reading it thats ok because I know she understands.  I arrived a little earlier than usual because the weather report is saying those four letter words that we all dislike "snow" and freezing "rain".  We will go a 12 step meeting in Walkerton, this is the meeting where we met.  I really didn't want to meet another man, I have had enough with the "Where Are You Going? When will you be back" questions.  Harold never asks me these or any other question, well, he does ask me what I would like for dinner but thats about it.

I am a fortunate woman and I am so glad that I realize that.  I do what I want, not at the expense of anyone else, but I am also not answerable to anyone.  I tried for many years to please others while maintaining some of my own autonomy.  Now through circumstance that have nothing to do me and circumstances that I would never chosen I am able to do that.  I find that I am able to participate in my own life a lot more.  For many years, when I was younger, I remember being aware that I was waiting for the part of the life that I would enjoy.  I missed much of the pleasure that was available to me there and then.  Today I am aware of what I am feeling, the good, bad and the ugly.  I am able to better process those feelings and let them go.  It is almost time to go to the meeting.  Perhaps I will write more later this evening.

Friday, November 26th, 2010...............6:42p.m.

The Day After

Yesterday was spent reminiscing about my sister, her life and her death.  She was a woman of extremes, at times generous to a fault and other times raging,  Even she believed she had two personalities; I believe we all do.  I recall the 4:00a.m. telephone call that woke me and her husband Eli telling me of her death; the feeling of unreality, fear and sadness.  She wasn't buried until sometime in January.  There was an autopsy to rule out foul play.  Her husband was black and was definately a suspect.  In all fairness the authorities investigating didn't know Eli, if they had they would have know what everyone was aware of who knew Peggy and Eli.  If anyone in that relationship was capable of murder it was Peggy not Eli.  Peggy's rage was well known by all who really knew her.  Eli died 2 years ago, he died still loving Peggy.

Today is cold and blustery, whoa, how is that for getting off topic.  Yet I need to get off topic.  Peggy is gone and my grief and sadness is personal. Today is about my life and things I need to do to look after myself.  For instance I still don't have my flu shot.  I stopped into the drug store in the village where I now live, that is a whole other days story, and was told if I go to the clinic next Tuesday I will get my shot there.  I have had the flu shot every year for so long now, yet I have reservations, there is a part of me that doesn't like shots.  Not that I really dislike needles but I don't like the idea of adding foreign materials to my body, an idea that is ridulous when you consider that I smoke again and that I drank and used other drugs to excess for many years.  Whatever, I will get the flu shot and stop the argument in my own head.  I have decided that I will end every blog with at least one thing that I am grafefull for.  Today I am gratefull to Bill Gates or whoever created the computer.  It gives me much pleasure,  it keeps me instant touch with family and friends, it turns days that seem empty into fun when I play games.  It allows me to tell me my feelings to those I love even at 4:00a.m. if I can't sleep.  Thank you computer creators.

Thursday November 25th, 2010  3:03p.m.

My Sister's Birthday

My Sister, Peggy Janet O'Niell, was born November 24th 1941 and died December 18th 1994.  She would have been 69 years old today.  We looked nothing alike, yet the last time that I saw her alive, 9 months before her death, I recall both of us saying at the same time "Wow, do you ever look like Mom".  My relationship with my sister was complicated, arn't they all.  I am a first born and she was the baby.  There were only two of us from my Mother's first marriage, but that is how we both always felt.  Dayle, big sister, Peggy, the baby.  Sometimes I think of her as my first child.  As children we looked so different, I was blonde haired, blue eyed, with severe astigmatisms and Peggy had dark hair that lightened as she grew older, she had hugh brown eyes, which worked perfectly and the prettiest smile I can ever remember.  As I remember it I spent most of my early years trying so hard to be invisible while Peggy spent all of hers trying to be noticed.  She liked to entertain, she sang, she was in musicals when she lived in Hamilton.  She sang in talent contests from the age of 10 and always to great applause.  Like me she married young, I was 15 and pregant, she was 17 and pregnant within weeks.  We both wanted so desperately to be out of the house that was called our home.  Niether of us was prepared, yet neither of us ever returned except for short visits.  We both suffered from addictions and we both both eventually sought help in 12 step programs and therapy.  Unfortunately for Peggy it was to little and/or to late.  She died a death of misadventure, although her death certificate says suicide.  Peggy had an unnatural fear of aging and death, she would never have purposely taken her own life.  However, she will never grow old.  Even with all the sibling rivalry and misunderstangings that come from fear and hurt I miss this little girl, woman child with whom I shared a history that only sisters whom endured the same parenting can share.  Good Night Peggy and Happy Birthday Little Sister.
November 24th, 2010   10:15p.m.

The Afternoon Post

I am going to attempt to write twice a day.  That way I will get two different vantages points, as I seem to feel different at mid day than I do in the evening.  This post will become available to anyone who wants to know what goes through the mind and soul of this 70 something woman.  Because I want to release secrets that have been stored for over 60 years, in some cases longer, I think I should begin by being as honest as possible.  I will let you know me.  I will start with my age.  I was born on November 7th, 1938 in Hamilton, Ontario.  I was moved to Port Colborne when I was 4years old and I remained there until I was 19 years old,  I believe that my life was never easy but always interesting.  At the risk of sounding, sounding  what, conceited doesn't sound right, perhaps I will think of an appropriate word, I have always found myself an interesting subject.  As many secrets as I have kept about myself I am usually aware of the reality of being me.  I can't see this blog being done in any chronolgical order and I intend to to just spill whatever is bothering or making me happy at this time, whatever I am feeling or thinking because after all this endeavour is first and foremost for me.  I am not in the habit of doing things for myself, or if I am I am not aware of that part of me.  I do know that I seldom see myself as others see me, I think that is true of most of us and perhaps we would happier if we saw ourselves as others see us, but probably not; I would constantly be trying to change myself so that you would see me in a better way.  That is all for now.  Be back this evening.
3:32p.m. Tuesday November 23rd, 2010.

In The Beginning

I feel like I am starting at the end, in fact I am starting at the end.  However, it is a beginning too.  This is my first attempt at using my computer to Blog.  Up until a few weeks I only vague notion what a "Blog" was  and now I am doing one.  My youngest son began a Blog when he and his wife purchased 100 acres near Haliburton and I find myself checking his Blog regularly.  Now I have one of my own and hopefully I will soon be comfortable using it.  My lack of keyboarding skills almost kept me from even trying; but to be honest that wasn't really my biggest concern.  I have always been the secret keeper.  I have kept the secrets of everyone I know, I have especially and perhaps more importantly kept secrets from myself.  I hope I will be use this forum to release some or all of these secrets; thus letting you know me and hopefully getting to know myself better.  There, I have put the first words down.  Enough for tonight, hopefully tomorrow more thoughts will flow from my mind through my fingers and onto this page.