This is only part of a quote by Malcolm X. I like this quote, I like it when I hear it, I like it in print. The 70er I get the more I realize that life is seldom, if ever made up of straight lines. There are so many bends and twists and circles. I seldom make adamant, absolute statements anymore. This was something I did a lot as a younger woman. I was so sure then what was right and what was wrong. I was sure about black and white, I didn't entertain any shades of gray. Really life is mostly made up of shades of gray. Black and white was so much easier, right and wrong was easier, and don't confuse me with extenuating circumstances or shades of grey. When two people are fighting or disagreeing it is seldom if ever that one is totally right and one is totally wrong.
Whoa, that wasn't what I wanted to write and I am not sure where it came from, but it is down and I think I will make the deal with myself that I made with the granddaughter of my soul..."We Don't Delete". So it is here to stay.
I am for truth because I need to be. I can't really understand many things until I know the truth. I have a difficult time forgiving people if I don't know the truth. And I am sure that is true for others as well as myself.
That is why I always try to be honest, without being hurtful. Because it works for me.
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012............11:16p.m.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Branches Of My Family
My children are spread out over southern and western Ontario. On Saturday I am going to Hamilton to look after my ex daughter in law's dog for a week. My eldest son, his wife and their 5 children, as well as the granddaughter of my soul, live in the Hamilton area. Besides making a little money I will get a chance to see the Hamilton branch of my family. This is something I am really looking forward to. I see this branch fairly regularly but during that week I hope to spend some time with them individually. Usually they come here together to my home now. That is a family visit with my daughter and her family here too. Sometimes I feel that a couple of hours one on one with my children and/or grandchildren is worth a day or two as a family visit. When the entire family is present I find myself sort of editing myself or trying to include everyone in the conversation. For me there is an intimacy missing in that kind of a visit. Next week I hope to spend time with my son and his family on an individual basis and hopefully a family visit too.
I also have a daughter in Hamilton. I don't speak of her much, as we havn't spoken for 12 years or more. She is a born again christian, which is fine with me, however, she told me if I wanted to see her 4 children I would attend their church whenever I was in town. I don't blackmail, not even for my children, not even for christians, especially not for christians. So I don't know those 4 now adult children and that is a loss for me and for them.
Linda, my eldest daughter. my step daughter really, but I consider her my daughter, lives in London with her partner Ann. I love both these women and don't see them often enough, but we see each other as often we can. Linda has a son and daughter, so that is two more grandchildren. Her son lives in Quebec and her daughter in Waterdown. This summer I want to go to London and spend some time with Linda and Ann and the London Branch of the MacCharles clan.
Then their is the Fenelon Falls branch of the family. My son Rusty and his partner Lieghann. I love spending time there. I have probably the best conversations with this son, perhaps because we both lived in Fenelon Falls for so many years. I love to listen to him. Rusty has retained his childlike enthusiasm and for some reason we find each other interesting. I find his words and idea so interesting. I seem to connect with each one of children on a different level. Rusty has my last remaining cat Willie Nelson. Last week he E mailed me a picture of his dog, Stanley and Willie Nelson laying on his couch together. I thought that was such a kind and thoughtful thing to do. Lieghann is one of the kindest people I know. She has shown kindness and love under the worst of conditions. I won't go into the diarreah story again.
I also have a Kitchener/Waterloo branch of the family. Rusty first wife, Patti and his three adult children live there. Tami and Dennis's three adult sons live there too. What beautiful, strong, and talented people these are. I get kind of sad that I don't see these grandchildren as often as I should and hopefully will see more them soon.
Then I have the Paisley branch of my family. My baby girl Tami and her husband Dennis and Jonathon, their youngest child. We live together in a beautiful, old, large farm house, with 2 dogs and 4 horses. We have people coming and going every day. People who are real friends, people who we help and who help us.
After writing this I am even more aware of how very lucky I am. All these wonderful people in my life. So much love and so much caring. I know people my age and older and even younger who are lonely and feeling uncared for.........and I say THANK YOU TO THE UNIVERSE for what I have.
Tuesday, February 21st, 2012.........11:38p.m.
I also have a daughter in Hamilton. I don't speak of her much, as we havn't spoken for 12 years or more. She is a born again christian, which is fine with me, however, she told me if I wanted to see her 4 children I would attend their church whenever I was in town. I don't blackmail, not even for my children, not even for christians, especially not for christians. So I don't know those 4 now adult children and that is a loss for me and for them.
Linda, my eldest daughter. my step daughter really, but I consider her my daughter, lives in London with her partner Ann. I love both these women and don't see them often enough, but we see each other as often we can. Linda has a son and daughter, so that is two more grandchildren. Her son lives in Quebec and her daughter in Waterdown. This summer I want to go to London and spend some time with Linda and Ann and the London Branch of the MacCharles clan.
Then their is the Fenelon Falls branch of the family. My son Rusty and his partner Lieghann. I love spending time there. I have probably the best conversations with this son, perhaps because we both lived in Fenelon Falls for so many years. I love to listen to him. Rusty has retained his childlike enthusiasm and for some reason we find each other interesting. I find his words and idea so interesting. I seem to connect with each one of children on a different level. Rusty has my last remaining cat Willie Nelson. Last week he E mailed me a picture of his dog, Stanley and Willie Nelson laying on his couch together. I thought that was such a kind and thoughtful thing to do. Lieghann is one of the kindest people I know. She has shown kindness and love under the worst of conditions. I won't go into the diarreah story again.
I also have a Kitchener/Waterloo branch of the family. Rusty first wife, Patti and his three adult children live there. Tami and Dennis's three adult sons live there too. What beautiful, strong, and talented people these are. I get kind of sad that I don't see these grandchildren as often as I should and hopefully will see more them soon.
Then I have the Paisley branch of my family. My baby girl Tami and her husband Dennis and Jonathon, their youngest child. We live together in a beautiful, old, large farm house, with 2 dogs and 4 horses. We have people coming and going every day. People who are real friends, people who we help and who help us.
After writing this I am even more aware of how very lucky I am. All these wonderful people in my life. So much love and so much caring. I know people my age and older and even younger who are lonely and feeling uncared for.........and I say THANK YOU TO THE UNIVERSE for what I have.
Tuesday, February 21st, 2012.........11:38p.m.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Intelligance And Maturity
"Grades don't measure intelligence and age doesn't define maturity". Not sure where this quote originated but I like it. I have always disliked the grading system used in our schools; it holds back so many people and worse than that it is shaming. What about a person who didn't achieve the standards (I would like to know who sets these standards and how they how they decide this should be the critera used) set by our educational system; so they drop out before finishing high school. This person can fix a machine, build a house or write a book, yet they were so shamed and discarded by our educational system that they are considered not to smart by some system that I believe no one understands. I wonder how well a CEO or member of Parliment would survive in the wilderness. What real coping skills do they have?
And age definately doesn't define maturity. I am 70 something and the accumulation of years hasn't always made me wise or mature. I know some really "unsmart" (I wanted to say stupid, but that didn't seem nice) old people. What the 70 something accumulated years did give me was experience, enough experience to not make asolute statements anymore. When I have to ask a 15 year old, who has been diagnosed ADHD to show me how to put a picture on my blog, it is a humbling experience and one that is good for me. This same teenager has given me lessons in forgiveness and honesty.
Afternoon Thoughts
Saturday, Feruary 18th, 2012.........1:42p.m.
And age definately doesn't define maturity. I am 70 something and the accumulation of years hasn't always made me wise or mature. I know some really "unsmart" (I wanted to say stupid, but that didn't seem nice) old people. What the 70 something accumulated years did give me was experience, enough experience to not make asolute statements anymore. When I have to ask a 15 year old, who has been diagnosed ADHD to show me how to put a picture on my blog, it is a humbling experience and one that is good for me. This same teenager has given me lessons in forgiveness and honesty.
Afternoon Thoughts
Saturday, Feruary 18th, 2012.........1:42p.m.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Feeling Fragile
I am not feeling fragile tonight, so it safe for me to write about it. Dictionaries are almost my favorite book; right up there with "The Language Of Letting Of Letting Go". And according to my dictionary here are a couple examples of what fragile means: easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle or frail. Lacking in substance or force.
This could be such a long blog but because it is late it won't be. When I was a young woman, even a girl, I thought fragile applied mostly to old people and perhaps babies. Yet as a 70 something woman I don't feel as fragile as I did years ago. In many ways I am tougher ( I think perhaps "tough" is the opposite of "fragile")
at least it is for me tonight. I am looking at the words from the dictionary. "Easily broken"....... bones maybe are more easily broken but more important things like my feelings, my heart, and my spirit are not nearly so easily broken. Shattered; I was shattered in my teens, my 20s and possibly early 30s, it takes a lot more to shatter me today. Damaged: whatever damage was done to me so many years ago, I don't damage as easily today. Delicate: not sure about that one, possiblily I was never delicate. Brittle or frail: Like I said earlier, possibly my bones.
"Lacking In Substance Or Force" I don't #$%^ing think so. I have much less to lose today than I did 30 years, even 10 years ago. I no doubt am more discriminating about what and where I put my substance or force into. But I have substance and force and I have it in abundance.
Midnight Thoughts
Wednesday, February 15th, 11:58p.m.
This could be such a long blog but because it is late it won't be. When I was a young woman, even a girl, I thought fragile applied mostly to old people and perhaps babies. Yet as a 70 something woman I don't feel as fragile as I did years ago. In many ways I am tougher ( I think perhaps "tough" is the opposite of "fragile")
at least it is for me tonight. I am looking at the words from the dictionary. "Easily broken"....... bones maybe are more easily broken but more important things like my feelings, my heart, and my spirit are not nearly so easily broken. Shattered; I was shattered in my teens, my 20s and possibly early 30s, it takes a lot more to shatter me today. Damaged: whatever damage was done to me so many years ago, I don't damage as easily today. Delicate: not sure about that one, possiblily I was never delicate. Brittle or frail: Like I said earlier, possibly my bones.
"Lacking In Substance Or Force" I don't #$%^ing think so. I have much less to lose today than I did 30 years, even 10 years ago. I no doubt am more discriminating about what and where I put my substance or force into. But I have substance and force and I have it in abundance.
Midnight Thoughts
Wednesday, February 15th, 11:58p.m.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
"Unfinished Business Doesn't Go Away"
"It keeps repeating itself, until it gets our attention, until we feel it, deal with it, and heal". This is a sentence from Melody Beattie's book The Language Of Letting Go. This is the book I read every morning, the book that has given me the courage to look at my past, to feel it, deal with it and heal.
I forced so many things down when I was young, very young, from the time I can remember. I swallowed fear, hurt, guilt and anger. I mean I literally swallowed them. This was before I found drugs, food, alcohol sex, work and other things to help me swallow my feelings. At age 4 or 5 many of these things arn't available to you, so you work with what you have; dissociation, make believe and denial. Finding drugs and alcohol may have saved my life before they almost killed me, With enough substance abuse I was able to really look at my pain and be numb enough not to totally feel it. I was able to rationalize that I had survived it, it happened a long time ago and with another drink, another pill, it wouldn't seem that important.
However, Unfinished business doesn't go away, it comes back it dreams. in your daily relationships with others and more importantly in your relationship with yourself. So, if you can, if you are ready, please feel it, deal with it and heal from it.
Afternoon Thoughts
Sunday, February 12th, 2012.......2:03p.m.
I forced so many things down when I was young, very young, from the time I can remember. I swallowed fear, hurt, guilt and anger. I mean I literally swallowed them. This was before I found drugs, food, alcohol sex, work and other things to help me swallow my feelings. At age 4 or 5 many of these things arn't available to you, so you work with what you have; dissociation, make believe and denial. Finding drugs and alcohol may have saved my life before they almost killed me, With enough substance abuse I was able to really look at my pain and be numb enough not to totally feel it. I was able to rationalize that I had survived it, it happened a long time ago and with another drink, another pill, it wouldn't seem that important.
However, Unfinished business doesn't go away, it comes back it dreams. in your daily relationships with others and more importantly in your relationship with yourself. So, if you can, if you are ready, please feel it, deal with it and heal from it.
Afternoon Thoughts
Sunday, February 12th, 2012.......2:03p.m.
Friday, February 10, 2012
"If You Can't Say Anything Nice...... We Are Probably Related" My Sister/Friend Susan
I guess it is offbeat sense of humour but when I recieved this from my friend I laughed in a way that I seldom do. Because I know so Susan so well and have for so many years, she knew this was something I would find very funny.
I have been fortunate since I stared life anew at age 68. I was with my daughter and son in law and grandson, but I was in a place I had never been before. I knew no one besides my little family here. I also didn't know how to get anywhere. I didn't know where the library was, the grocery store, the post office, hospital or anything.
When I was considerably younger I did move a number of times. I recall when I moved someplace new that one of the first things I would do, probably the very first thing I would do, was get a phone book and look up the nearest Library and Liquor Store, luckily they were both under the Ls in the yellow pages. I was much younger then and adjusting just seemed easier, making friends seemed to come more naturally and I was usually, not always, travelling with a husand; I was always always travelling with children. This time it was a much older me and it was a frightened, hurt, sad me. In spite of all that I have managed to make friends here, real friends, and I am so grateful for that. I have also kept a few friends from my past. When you live life like I did, like most of us do, you learn who your real friends are and how valuable they are. So, to Susan my friend for over 15 years, Lorraine my friend for almost 20 years, Carol for over 10 years and Joy, wow Joy we really go back over 40 years, thank you for staying in my life and being the friends you are. And to the new friends I have made in Bruce County "Thank you" I needed you so much.
Friday, February 10th, 2012............11:50p.m.
I have been fortunate since I stared life anew at age 68. I was with my daughter and son in law and grandson, but I was in a place I had never been before. I knew no one besides my little family here. I also didn't know how to get anywhere. I didn't know where the library was, the grocery store, the post office, hospital or anything.
When I was considerably younger I did move a number of times. I recall when I moved someplace new that one of the first things I would do, probably the very first thing I would do, was get a phone book and look up the nearest Library and Liquor Store, luckily they were both under the Ls in the yellow pages. I was much younger then and adjusting just seemed easier, making friends seemed to come more naturally and I was usually, not always, travelling with a husand; I was always always travelling with children. This time it was a much older me and it was a frightened, hurt, sad me. In spite of all that I have managed to make friends here, real friends, and I am so grateful for that. I have also kept a few friends from my past. When you live life like I did, like most of us do, you learn who your real friends are and how valuable they are. So, to Susan my friend for over 15 years, Lorraine my friend for almost 20 years, Carol for over 10 years and Joy, wow Joy we really go back over 40 years, thank you for staying in my life and being the friends you are. And to the new friends I have made in Bruce County "Thank you" I needed you so much.
Friday, February 10th, 2012............11:50p.m.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Hypocrisy
Hypocrisy is something I really, really dislike. Yet it is something that I am guilty of. According to one dictionary definition this is what a hyprocite is: "A person who acts in contradiction with their stated beliefs and feelings". I do that, not often, but there is one topic where I catch myself doing it all the time.
I believe in "Freedom of Choice" when it comes to child bearing. I believe that the woman should make the choice to carry a child or not. It is not my business and I would support her whatever that choice would be.
EXCEPT, when it is one of children or now grandchildren. If it is my daughter or granddaughter then I would like to see that child born and I want to hold and know him/her, I justify and rationalize this desire all the time. Things like "we are a large family and if the pregnant woman/girl can't or isn't ready to care for a child at this time we will help you, or do it for you".
This doesn't change the fact that what I am doing/saying/feeling is hyprocritical. I was watching "The View". one of my favorite shows on TV this morning. The topic comes up quite often there, usually concerning politics; some Congressman or other person is always trying to impose his view, or his Party's view on everyone else. As soon as that happens I can feel my body and brain go into fight mode. Under my breath I mutter "who the hell gives you the right to tell women what they can and can't do". Then when the anger subsides a little,
I reinstate "EXCEPT for my family, all our children should be born".
I am sure that my perception is coloured by becoming a Mother at age 16. When I first found out that I was pregnant I would have wished away the pregnancy if I could have. I so much wanted to finish school. But had that happened then Michael wouldn't be here. And anyone that knows Michael, or even knows of him, knows what a loss that would be. The world would be without "First Born". So, sorry I am pro choice just not for my family........and that probably does make me a hyprocrite.
Wednesday, February 8th, 2012........10:53p.m.
I believe in "Freedom of Choice" when it comes to child bearing. I believe that the woman should make the choice to carry a child or not. It is not my business and I would support her whatever that choice would be.
EXCEPT, when it is one of children or now grandchildren. If it is my daughter or granddaughter then I would like to see that child born and I want to hold and know him/her, I justify and rationalize this desire all the time. Things like "we are a large family and if the pregnant woman/girl can't or isn't ready to care for a child at this time we will help you, or do it for you".
This doesn't change the fact that what I am doing/saying/feeling is hyprocritical. I was watching "The View". one of my favorite shows on TV this morning. The topic comes up quite often there, usually concerning politics; some Congressman or other person is always trying to impose his view, or his Party's view on everyone else. As soon as that happens I can feel my body and brain go into fight mode. Under my breath I mutter "who the hell gives you the right to tell women what they can and can't do". Then when the anger subsides a little,
I reinstate "EXCEPT for my family, all our children should be born".
I am sure that my perception is coloured by becoming a Mother at age 16. When I first found out that I was pregnant I would have wished away the pregnancy if I could have. I so much wanted to finish school. But had that happened then Michael wouldn't be here. And anyone that knows Michael, or even knows of him, knows what a loss that would be. The world would be without "First Born". So, sorry I am pro choice just not for my family........and that probably does make me a hyprocrite.
Wednesday, February 8th, 2012........10:53p.m.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Telephones And Party Lines
If you are a 70 something woman or man for that matter you will probably remember the time of the party line. This meant you were sharing your line with up to 6 oher households. I must have been close to 10 years old when we got our first telephone in the house. I was familiar with telephones, well kind of. I knew Drs. and police and rich people had them and that was about all I knew about them. I kind of thought that probably people who lived in cities had them, but I wasn't sure, as I didn't really know any people who lived in cities. As a small child I always remember us living in old farm houses with long laneways, the kind of places with fields surrounding us. Also the kind of place that you could cry or scream and nobody would ever hear you. Lonely scary places. Strange I live in exactly that kind of location today and for the past 4 years and it is wonderful. It is filled with warmth, comfort and love, the same yet totally different.
Anyway, back to our first telephone; it was black, there were no other colour telephones at that time, at least I never saw one. Our phone number was Victory 6024. I never understood the Victory part and don't remember what numbers we used before the 6024. At that time if you were calling anyone in the area you just used the last 4 numbers. Our ring was one long and two short. If any one of the six other households got a phone call you knew about it because it rang at your house too. Sometimes it would ring two longs or one long and and one short. I can't remember all of the combinations of rings for the six households.
I do remember sometimes picking up the phone and hearing other people talk. Sometimes I recognized the voices but most times I didn't. As a child I took words very literally, I think all young children do, so the term "party line" was confusing to me. I knew about Birthday parties, Card parties etc I even remember being invited and going to Birthday Party, but what did a Party line have to do with a Party? Was all six households supposed to get the line and have a party over the telephone? What a strange child I must have been. I never asked these questions, I knew better, I just carried these questions inside my young head.
Afternoon Thoughts
Wednesday, February 1st, 2012.............4:30p.m.
Anyway, back to our first telephone; it was black, there were no other colour telephones at that time, at least I never saw one. Our phone number was Victory 6024. I never understood the Victory part and don't remember what numbers we used before the 6024. At that time if you were calling anyone in the area you just used the last 4 numbers. Our ring was one long and two short. If any one of the six other households got a phone call you knew about it because it rang at your house too. Sometimes it would ring two longs or one long and and one short. I can't remember all of the combinations of rings for the six households.
I do remember sometimes picking up the phone and hearing other people talk. Sometimes I recognized the voices but most times I didn't. As a child I took words very literally, I think all young children do, so the term "party line" was confusing to me. I knew about Birthday parties, Card parties etc I even remember being invited and going to Birthday Party, but what did a Party line have to do with a Party? Was all six households supposed to get the line and have a party over the telephone? What a strange child I must have been. I never asked these questions, I knew better, I just carried these questions inside my young head.
Afternoon Thoughts
Wednesday, February 1st, 2012.............4:30p.m.
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