It has been over a week since I blogged and I have missed it. I couldn't seem to bring up my blog on my clients computer and I hate messing with someone else's computer. I don't have the knowledge or experience with computers to fix them if I screw up, so I just didn't.
It is so good to be home. I must be a strange creature, well of course I am a strange creature, I know that, hell anyone who knows me at all knows that. I really like the idea of being alone, I even enjoy the time alone, sometimes. But a part of me wants to be home too, misses the familiarity of home and family. I spent a few days completely alone except for the dogs and cats. I enjoyed my "solitary indulgences". I watched movies and T.V. undisturbed and read until my eyes hurt. I felt somewhat lonely, yet was annoyed when company showed up. When I am alone I sometimes go into dangerous territory, my mind. I should never go there alone, at least not for long periods of time. I listened to radio for short periods. I heard a song I havn't heard for awhile, the title is "I Haven't Got Time For The Pain" this a Carley Simon song and is one of my favorites. I listened to the words, all of the words. Years ago I used to sing/hum this song. I would only sing the first two lines "I haven't got time for the pain, I haven't got room for the pain, then I would hum the remainder. Do you know what the third line is? "I Haven't The Need For The Pain Anymore." I wonder why I only became aware of those words years after it being one of my favorite songs. perhaps I needed the pain before, perhaps sometimes I still do. If so, I hope those times become further and further apart. I don't know why I keep revisiting painful parts of life, times when I was hurt and hurting, times when I was so betrayed. Perhaps it is to try to find resolution or closure to certain issues. Perhaps there is no closure to certain issues in our life, possibly only time lessens the pain. I don't know. I am learning that there is so much I don't know, so much that I will never know.
There was a really bad snow storm yesterday and last night. I could hear the wind screaming, trying so hard to find a way in through the tiny spaces between the windows and the frames. The house I was looking after is a converted schoolhouse. It is charming and tastefully done. I really like it. I feel safe there. Houses have personalities, almost always brought there by the people who inhabit them. These are good, kind people and the personality of the house shows it. I watched the snow blow into the patio doors and cover my car and bird feeders and listened to wind scream and felt safe. The house is heated entirely by a wood stove. The stove has a glass door and I could see the flames dancing inside, when I opened the door to add more logs I could see and feel the hot coals, something about this made me feel secure and warm. It is strange, or maybe not that seeing warmth makes me feel warm. I was glad when this afternoon I was able to come home to my family here. It took a little while because the long driveway to this house had to be blown out before I left the schoolhouse.
Now I am HOME and so glad to be here. I will sleep a sounder tonight than I have for the last week, just knowing my family are in the rooms across and down the hall from me and I am in my room, in my own bed.
Thank You to the Universe and whatever force that has provided this for me...........More Tomorrow.
January 16th, 2011..................8:57p.m.
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