Gratitude List

Today I really want to gripe and bitch about many things.  I want to talk about my anxiety, depression, fears and most of all about the hurt I feel.  Instead I am going to make a "Gratitude List" because even I am tired of hearing myself whine.

I am grateful that I live in this house with this family.

I am grateful that I have lived for almost 73 years, so many I have known have had less time.  And a lot of those who were given less time didn't abuse their bodies with substances that I have.

I am grateful for bed.  It is so comfortable and inviting.

I am grateful to friends who will spend time with me, even when I am not the best company.

I am grateful that I have been alcohol free for almost 25 years.

I am grateful that the children I carried and gave birth to are healthy and as loving as they are, and to the ones that I didn't give birth to, that love me also.

I needed to do this.

Afternoon Thoughts

Friday, October 28th, 2011..........5:04 p.m.

Storms And Depressions

I am still climbing out of the deep pit of depression and anxiety.  And for reasons unknown, even to me, I have resisted one of the few things that will help; WRITING.

I have always had mixed feeling about storms.  Part of me find them exciting and the other part of me finds them very scary.  I went to the computer for definition of depression when applied to weather and here is what I found: "once a group of thunderstorms has come together under the right atmospheric conditions they will creat a depression".  What a great analogy fior the way I have been feeling.  The condition must have been right (I know they were)  to cause this atmospheric depression inside my head and body.

For those of you who have been fortunate enough to have never experienced anxiety and depression I will try to explain some of the feelings associated with it.  There is always a feeling pending doom.  A strong tendency to isolate, a feeling of not being safe, and for me a need of being structured, almost to point of OCD "obsessive compulsive disorder".  I may not want to be alone, yet when I am with someone I want to go home.  I usually need to talk, yet will feel unable to verbalize.  I woked in mental health for many years and know so much about the condition yet I am unable right now to apply that knowledge to myself except on a academic level.  There I have started.  Will write more on the theory of storms and depression tomorrow.

Thursday, October 28th, 2011...........1:42p.m.

Wisdom From A Friend

Thank You Karen

Getting Myself Pregnant And Other Misconceptions

I must be beginning to come out of my funk, either that or I am losing it completely, which would be preferrable to the anxiety I have been feeling.  For the past few days some of the ridiculous things that came from my mother's mouth has been running through my head.

When I was 15 years old and pregnant with my first born, I eventually had to tell my mother.  After I picked myself up from being thrown across the room and spit out the blood from my split lip, my mother began the often to be repeated refrain "You went and got yourself pregnant".  There were variations of the refrain but it all came back to getting myself pregnant.  A year and a half later I pulled off the same startling feat.  The first time I was absolutly sure who had been my co conspirator in achving my pregnant state.  The second time I have to admit I was not absolutely sure.  It turns out it was the same man..DNA don't lie.  My mother returned to her old refrain, this time adding "again", as in you got yourself pregnant (again).  I had replies in my head, like "yes Mother, me and the virgin Mary, only I apparently pulled it off twice".  I never spoke these words, I was to well acquainted with the wrath of my mother.

I left that marriage when I was 19.  At age 20 I remarried.  On our honeymoon we stopped at my mother's.  Practically the first words out of her mouth were "I hope you don't get yourself pregnant again......to late, my third child was born 9 months and 8 days after the wedding.  Five months later I truly believe "I got myself pregnant".  I kept waiting to hear those words leave her mouth, so I could at last agree with her.  She never said them.  I have always regretted that.  I really would have liked to share this information with her.  Eventually, mabye a year after the birth of my last child, I did try to tell her.  I said mom I had to have conceived my baby girl all by myself.  She just looked at me and said "don't be crazy".  Figures.......

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Tuesday, September 27, 2011...................3:48p.m.

Trying Again

Today I will try to explain this battle that I sometimes feel I am losing, and other times feel that I am gaining on.  Do you ever remember a time when you were a child and you did something really bad; something you knew you would be punished harshly for?  It is kind of like that, like waiting for your parents to find out.  And deciding to tell them yourself because you can no longer live with the waiting.  Another example:  What if you found a large lump in your breast and you had to wait until Friday to find out if it is benign or not.  It is like the nerves are on the outside of my body instead of under the skin.  That is the best way I can explain it and now I am finished trying.

I want to list somethings that I am grateful for, just to balance out the bitching part of my blog.  To friends I seen and spent time with this weekend, to Carol, Karen, Maureen and especially Harold for giving me the sancuary of his home.  I am grateful for my family, to Tami, my daughter for understanding, to Dennis just for being Dennis and to Jonathon for grandson love.  I am grateful for Jim who calls and seems to understand. I am grateful that I have a new Dr, who I will see on Friday.  I am going to try to blog everyday until this is over.

Whoa.............that was hard.  I hope tomorrow is easier.

Monday, September 26, 2011..........4:22p.m.

I Won't Walk Down This Street Again

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson Click on a chapter heading to learn more.
Chapter One I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost .... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.	Chapter Two I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.	Chapter FourI walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.Chapter Five I walk down another street.

I went to the hospital for an anti anxiety drug today.  Because I won'/can't walk down this street again.

Monday, September 12th, 2011............7:44p.m.

Sometimes..............I Am Speechless, Sometimes I Am Frozen

That is how I have been feeling the last few days.  I don't like this feeling, I guess no one does.  I feel uncertain about my footing.  I place each foot carefully in front of me, aware of my uncertainty.  A feeling like vertigo every time I move.  I don't want to talk, I worry the words might out wrong, get mixed up and rearranged in their delivery.  I think maybe I can drive safely to Paisley but not Port Elgin.  I may be o.k. for 15 minutes but not for an hour.  My face feels kind of numb, I am not sure about my expression.  I kind of shiver, put on a sweater, within minutes I am too warm, remover the sweater.  I am to tired to stand.  I lay down, but almost immediately get back up.  I am full of fear, doubt and free floating anxieties. I am afraid that I may shatter.  I can't tell you in words so I write it here.

Afternoon Thoughts And Feelings

Friday, Spetember 9th, 2011............2:00p.m.