Again a line I heard on CBC while driving home from Mildmay and my stint with Lois. Most of my blog titles are an out of context line from some interview I hear on that station. The person being interviewed was talking about Edith Wharton, an authour that I am familiar with but will be doing more reading from her. Apparently this line came from her father. I tried to research the quote but couldn't find it's origin. However, the line got inside my head and hasn't left, so here it is in a blog.
There were so many things that I once longed for, that most of us wanted until we got them. In my case this particular symptom decreased with age and time and experience. I can still recall the fervent, fevered wanting that I experienced as a very young woman. These longings were usually associated with another person, at that time I still believed my happiness lie in hands of others, that this man or this friendship would complete me. I hadn't learned that I was already complete and until I learned this, which in my case took a very long time, could I ever have a real relationship with anyone. I recall the feeling of letdown once I had "conquered" the object of affection, then discarding and going on a quest for the next person who would give my meaning, who could make me real. Obviously at that time I believed that I had no meaning and that without that "other" person I wasn't real. There are some advantages of being 70 something, a couple of them are knowing that my life has meaning and I am real whether I am in a relationship or not. I also believed at that time that marriage and happy ever after was the ultimate goal, yet both times I married I "knew" while walking down the aisle that I should run, right now. And as soon as I was married I felt trapped and began sabotaging the marriage.
I also recall lusting after a certain car or house. In most cases after the first weeks or months of owning a vehicle I would think "well that is thirty or forty grand I could have done something else with, and I wish I had gotten a smaller/larger vehicle and this one really shows the dirt and I just lost $6000 when I drove it off the lot. With houses it was kind of the same; it could be that the house was located to close to town, therefore all the traffic , or it was to far out of town and inconvenient to get to town. If my house was large I would go to someone who had a cottage and think this is so homey and cute. These were just some of my experiences. I wasn't always unhappy with what I had, in fact I wasn't usually unhappy with my vehicle or my house. It is just that none of things made me feel complete, whole or safe. I had to become a 70 something woman to really appreciate the things I have and not to need something else to complete me. I realize today that I am complete, I have everything I need and want and "IT'S ALL GOOD"
Afternoon thoughts
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012.....1:14p.m.
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