Less than 3 months ago my daughter Tami and her husband Dennis lost their son Charles. And I lost a grandson, and his two little boys lost a daddy, and his brothers lost a brother and his niece and nephews lost an uncle. And his life partner Stephanie lost her partner and the father of her children. The ripples get larger and larger as we include best friends and work colleagues.
Charles was an electrician like his dad. He was the one of our family who could stand still with 2 humming bid feeders in his hands and the birds would be all over him, they sensed his gentle soul and obviously trusted him. His smile was contagious. Everyone smiled with him. He was not a saint, he was human enough to be real and it was that side of him that I especially loved. I am so fortunate that my grandchildren like me, as well as love me. With almost everyone of them I have a special relationship in which they allow themselves to be vulnerable and honest, without fear of judgment or recriminations. Because of that I was privy to a lot of their feelings, both good and not so good. That relationship with Charles let me know him as the man he had become. A sensitive, loving, and kind man. This man held his Mother and Father in Awe, as he should have because they are awesome people as well as parents.
He was a great brother, loved and admired by his brothers, as he admired them, each one for different reasons. This was one of the talks we had. During that talk he was telling me how much he loved his parents and that he hoped he would make them proud and they wouldn't be disappointed in him. He talked to me about each of his brothers, discussing both their strengths and possible weakness's. These were usually strengths and weakness's that he recognized because most of them resided in himself. It is hard to believe that any talks I have with him from now on he will not be present or so many believe. Me?? Well I feel his presence so often that I know he remains close to us all. He will never have knees that have to be replaced and pain that arthritis and other aging problems bring about. He will remain young and beautiful and loved by myself and every person who had the privilege of knowing him long enough to know the amazing man he was.
p.s. Thank you for the gifts you surprise with every so often. I recognize them and I am grateful.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015........9:20p.m.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
Grandmas
I like being a Grandma and I think I am a better Grandma than I was a Mother. That hurts even as I write it, but I have made my peace with that part of my life. I had my first child right after my 16th birthday and my 4th and last child 2 months before my 23 birthday. At that time I also had 3 stepchildren. Seven children at 23 is a lot. One of the good things is that at 23 you are, or at least I was, full of energy and I could keep up with the physical demands of 7 children.
At 23 I was also wrapped up in myself. I had not had the teen years that most of us get to work through a lot of the things. I now realize that this is true in a large percentage of people. Until approximately age 40 we are not grown up enough to truly put another human being before ourselves, at least not on a full time basis. We have our own relationships, careers and lives to live. Many of us try very hard to parent and every child has their own set of needs and personality quirks, making it a brand new experience with each child.
My first memory of a grandparent is strange and vague. When I was 3 apparently we lived with my Aunt Emily. My Mother and Father had seperated, my baby sister was still very much a baby and for whatever reason we ended up living with Aunt Emily and Uncle Gord and their 5 children. I don't actually remember many events but I do remember feelings and I know I felt unsafe there. Perhaps I was born feeling unsafe, it seems to something I carry around with me from place to place. At Aunt Emily's I remember my first interaction with a Grandma figure She wasn't even a biological grandma. Apparently she rented a room from my Aunt and uncle. I had to be about 3 years old. My cousins were noisy and rough, all male except one. When I was scared or being hurt by them, I remember this old (she had to be younger than I am now) woman. She would take me into her room and hold me on her lap. This is about 74 years ago. i called her grandma Hair. I believe that is what everyone called her.
Grandma Hair's room had a round black stove in it. She used to take something that lifted the lid off part of the stove and she would put bread over the heat and toast it and feed me. I remember this woman, yet I forget the house and everything else about this time of my life. I remember thinking, even at 3 or 4 years old that it was strange her name was Hair. I am not even sure now if the spelling is correct. I remember her and the warmth and attention she paid me. It felt like she took me out of a herd of dangerous animals and rescued me for at a short time. Once we moved away I never seen again and I never forgot her either.
Monday June 1st, 2015.........2:00p.m.
At 23 I was also wrapped up in myself. I had not had the teen years that most of us get to work through a lot of the things. I now realize that this is true in a large percentage of people. Until approximately age 40 we are not grown up enough to truly put another human being before ourselves, at least not on a full time basis. We have our own relationships, careers and lives to live. Many of us try very hard to parent and every child has their own set of needs and personality quirks, making it a brand new experience with each child.
My first memory of a grandparent is strange and vague. When I was 3 apparently we lived with my Aunt Emily. My Mother and Father had seperated, my baby sister was still very much a baby and for whatever reason we ended up living with Aunt Emily and Uncle Gord and their 5 children. I don't actually remember many events but I do remember feelings and I know I felt unsafe there. Perhaps I was born feeling unsafe, it seems to something I carry around with me from place to place. At Aunt Emily's I remember my first interaction with a Grandma figure She wasn't even a biological grandma. Apparently she rented a room from my Aunt and uncle. I had to be about 3 years old. My cousins were noisy and rough, all male except one. When I was scared or being hurt by them, I remember this old (she had to be younger than I am now) woman. She would take me into her room and hold me on her lap. This is about 74 years ago. i called her grandma Hair. I believe that is what everyone called her.
Grandma Hair's room had a round black stove in it. She used to take something that lifted the lid off part of the stove and she would put bread over the heat and toast it and feed me. I remember this woman, yet I forget the house and everything else about this time of my life. I remember thinking, even at 3 or 4 years old that it was strange her name was Hair. I am not even sure now if the spelling is correct. I remember her and the warmth and attention she paid me. It felt like she took me out of a herd of dangerous animals and rescued me for at a short time. Once we moved away I never seen again and I never forgot her either.
Monday June 1st, 2015.........2:00p.m.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Groundhog Day And An Early Happy Valentine Day
Last Year, late fall or early winter, I got locked out of my blog and I am so computer savvy that I remained locked out until today, The really sad part is I am not sure how or why I got in today when I havn't been able to for months. The other sad thing is that so many things have happened that I could have, should have blogged about and now that I am on I feel unprepared. So, I will just start with whatever comes to mind first.
A few weeks ago we had to put our German Shepherd Six down. I wanted to write that we "lost", in fact I did write lost, then backspaced and put down a more accurate account. We didn't lose her, although I have felt a great loss since her death. We had her put down, even that terminology feels wrong, we had her "euthanized" that is the correct term, even if I am uncomfortable with it. A couple of years ago we went through this same ordeal with Poppy, our beloved Lab. She became a $5000 dog. This was done for our sake, not hers. When Six became ill and was bleeding heavy vaginally the really sad part for me was seeing and sensing the shame she felt for making a mess in the house. She was a clean dog, I think she would have crossed her legs all night rather than make a mess in the house.
That is the sad part of 2015. There was much joy and happiness also. Christmas and New Years is always a happy time here. This definitely is "The House Where Love Lives" Now that I am back I hope to be on almost daily for the winter, as the driveway is long and drifted with snow and my car is not 4 wheel drive. This is my hibernation time. Me, my computer, the Television and lots of Library books.
Friday, January 30th, 2015........2:28p.m.
A few weeks ago we had to put our German Shepherd Six down. I wanted to write that we "lost", in fact I did write lost, then backspaced and put down a more accurate account. We didn't lose her, although I have felt a great loss since her death. We had her put down, even that terminology feels wrong, we had her "euthanized" that is the correct term, even if I am uncomfortable with it. A couple of years ago we went through this same ordeal with Poppy, our beloved Lab. She became a $5000 dog. This was done for our sake, not hers. When Six became ill and was bleeding heavy vaginally the really sad part for me was seeing and sensing the shame she felt for making a mess in the house. She was a clean dog, I think she would have crossed her legs all night rather than make a mess in the house.
That is the sad part of 2015. There was much joy and happiness also. Christmas and New Years is always a happy time here. This definitely is "The House Where Love Lives" Now that I am back I hope to be on almost daily for the winter, as the driveway is long and drifted with snow and my car is not 4 wheel drive. This is my hibernation time. Me, my computer, the Television and lots of Library books.
Friday, January 30th, 2015........2:28p.m.
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