Again a line I heard on CBC while driving home from Mildmay and my stint with Lois. Most of my blog titles are an out of context line from some interview I hear on that station. The person being interviewed was talking about Edith Wharton, an authour that I am familiar with but will be doing more reading from her. Apparently this line came from her father. I tried to research the quote but couldn't find it's origin. However, the line got inside my head and hasn't left, so here it is in a blog.
There were so many things that I once longed for, that most of us wanted until we got them. In my case this particular symptom decreased with age and time and experience. I can still recall the fervent, fevered wanting that I experienced as a very young woman. These longings were usually associated with another person, at that time I still believed my happiness lie in hands of others, that this man or this friendship would complete me. I hadn't learned that I was already complete and until I learned this, which in my case took a very long time, could I ever have a real relationship with anyone. I recall the feeling of letdown once I had "conquered" the object of affection, then discarding and going on a quest for the next person who would give my meaning, who could make me real. Obviously at that time I believed that I had no meaning and that without that "other" person I wasn't real. There are some advantages of being 70 something, a couple of them are knowing that my life has meaning and I am real whether I am in a relationship or not. I also believed at that time that marriage and happy ever after was the ultimate goal, yet both times I married I "knew" while walking down the aisle that I should run, right now. And as soon as I was married I felt trapped and began sabotaging the marriage.
I also recall lusting after a certain car or house. In most cases after the first weeks or months of owning a vehicle I would think "well that is thirty or forty grand I could have done something else with, and I wish I had gotten a smaller/larger vehicle and this one really shows the dirt and I just lost $6000 when I drove it off the lot. With houses it was kind of the same; it could be that the house was located to close to town, therefore all the traffic , or it was to far out of town and inconvenient to get to town. If my house was large I would go to someone who had a cottage and think this is so homey and cute. These were just some of my experiences. I wasn't always unhappy with what I had, in fact I wasn't usually unhappy with my vehicle or my house. It is just that none of things made me feel complete, whole or safe. I had to become a 70 something woman to really appreciate the things I have and not to need something else to complete me. I realize today that I am complete, I have everything I need and want and "IT'S ALL GOOD"
Afternoon thoughts
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012.....1:14p.m.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Leaving Lois
I arrived home yesterday about 7:00p.m. It is nice to be home again, but I surprised myself that I enjoyed my stay in Mildmay so much. I did enjoy the alone time, some times that worries me, perhaps I was meant to be a hermit. Yet I was pleased with myself, I am glad that I don't need outside stimulus to much. I don't think I am unique but perhaps a little bit different. I find that when I am alone structure becomes more important, it gives my day more form. Checking for E Mails and looking at Facebook account was something I did every morning while drinking my coffee, Watching the View at 11:00 a.m. was another, then reading and playing on the computer until 3:00p.m. when the television is back on for afternoon shows. Of course there was letting Lois out for her pees and other business and cleaning up after myself is in there somewhere. TV off at 11:00p.m. and one last one the computer, then bed by midnight, where I do my nighttime routine, which is a blog in itself.
Being alone makes me conscious of myself and my idiosyncrasies, of which I seem to have quite a few.
One of those being that when I have been alone for about 48 hours I begin to not want to go out, even telephone calls start to annoy me, perhaps annoy isn't the right word, it is more like they interrupt my own strict structure that I seem to impose upon myself during those times. Because I am aware of the dangers of this I make myself go out everyday, even if it just to the store and I make telephone calls. I fear that I could easily become agoraphobic, perhaps I already am. hopefully not, hopefully I have finally learned to be comfortable with myself as company. Geez I analyze everything to death. Anyway it was good to spend 18 days with Lois and it is good to be home. IT'S ALL GOOD.
Afternoon Thoughts
Tuesday, April 24th, 2012.........2:00p.m.
Being alone makes me conscious of myself and my idiosyncrasies, of which I seem to have quite a few.
One of those being that when I have been alone for about 48 hours I begin to not want to go out, even telephone calls start to annoy me, perhaps annoy isn't the right word, it is more like they interrupt my own strict structure that I seem to impose upon myself during those times. Because I am aware of the dangers of this I make myself go out everyday, even if it just to the store and I make telephone calls. I fear that I could easily become agoraphobic, perhaps I already am. hopefully not, hopefully I have finally learned to be comfortable with myself as company. Geez I analyze everything to death. Anyway it was good to spend 18 days with Lois and it is good to be home. IT'S ALL GOOD.
Afternoon Thoughts
Tuesday, April 24th, 2012.........2:00p.m.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Life With Lois
For the past 5 days I have been enjoying life in Mildmay. My work (looking after people's homes and pets) takes me to many different little towns and Hamlets in Bruce township and surrounding areas. Since the 5th and through the the 24th of this month I am living in and taking care of a beautiful, old red brick home on the main street of Mildmay. I am also caring for a loveable 3 year old Chocolate Lab names Lois.
Lois is like most Labs that I have known. She is lovable, playful and a real delight to be with. In the last two years since I started my new venture, house/petsitting I have worked in Paisley where I live, Port Elgin where I shop, Walkerton and Hanover, now I have added Mildmay to my list.
It seems to be important to me that I have something to do, something that I can make a little money at and enjoy doing at the same time.. I like animals. Animals seldom have ulterior motives, unless it is for a dog biscuit, and they don't hold grudges.
A little bit about this home; it was built in 1925. At one time, possibly in the beginning it was a funeral home, or at least the place where viewing took place. The lady of the home, Sharon, asked me if this would bother me. I answered honestly, "not at all, a dead person has never hurt me. It was always living people who dealt me whatever pain I have suffered".
Possibly there is something strange about me, but I am good at being alone. I am not saying that I want to be a hermit, but if I know that the job is 3 days or 3 weeks, I could stay, probably without ever going out for that period of time. As long as I have a good supply of books I am good. I don't seem to need the company of people, although I enjoy it when it happens..
This time spent alone is good for reflection. I know a lot of people who would dread this much time alone and probably I was one of them at one time, but not anymore and not for a longtime.
I miss my daughter and her husband and my grandson. I have to prepare my own coffee for morning, of all the things my child does for me, and she does so much, I seem to miss this the most. I have the telephone at my disposal and of course the computer, including E Mails and Facebook so I still feel linked to the outside world even while feeling wrapped inside my cocoon of warmth and safety. So here I will be for 2 more weeks enjoying every minute of it.
Afternoon thoughts
Tuesday, April 10th, 2012..................3:33p.m.
Lois is like most Labs that I have known. She is lovable, playful and a real delight to be with. In the last two years since I started my new venture, house/petsitting I have worked in Paisley where I live, Port Elgin where I shop, Walkerton and Hanover, now I have added Mildmay to my list.
It seems to be important to me that I have something to do, something that I can make a little money at and enjoy doing at the same time.. I like animals. Animals seldom have ulterior motives, unless it is for a dog biscuit, and they don't hold grudges.
A little bit about this home; it was built in 1925. At one time, possibly in the beginning it was a funeral home, or at least the place where viewing took place. The lady of the home, Sharon, asked me if this would bother me. I answered honestly, "not at all, a dead person has never hurt me. It was always living people who dealt me whatever pain I have suffered".
Possibly there is something strange about me, but I am good at being alone. I am not saying that I want to be a hermit, but if I know that the job is 3 days or 3 weeks, I could stay, probably without ever going out for that period of time. As long as I have a good supply of books I am good. I don't seem to need the company of people, although I enjoy it when it happens..
This time spent alone is good for reflection. I know a lot of people who would dread this much time alone and probably I was one of them at one time, but not anymore and not for a longtime.
I miss my daughter and her husband and my grandson. I have to prepare my own coffee for morning, of all the things my child does for me, and she does so much, I seem to miss this the most. I have the telephone at my disposal and of course the computer, including E Mails and Facebook so I still feel linked to the outside world even while feeling wrapped inside my cocoon of warmth and safety. So here I will be for 2 more weeks enjoying every minute of it.
Afternoon thoughts
Tuesday, April 10th, 2012..................3:33p.m.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)