I heard this quote on a TV program tonight and looked up the author. The quote touched me. I have written about grief before and I will probably touch on it again, as each day brings its joys it also bring its sorrows. Today brought a few joys and old memories brought back some old griefs. To me they are the opposite sides of the same coin. And I suppose that if I didn't feel grief I wouldn't really feel joy either and that would make me a woman who hardly exists. I have a hard time expressing either emotion. There has to be so much surpressed joy and grief inside me. I think I know why I have such a hard time expressing any emotion, but perhaps it is more than I am aware of. I have been described as "stoic" and I really am not. I so much envy people who who feel safe enough, are brave enough, to display their joys and griefs. Because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't feel it. I always considered myself a solitary griever, yet I know that until I finally let someone else in on my grieving and my joy I am not finished with the experience.
Again I need to say that grieve isn't confined to a death, or perhaps it is; I just had a thought. A loss usually involves a kind of death. In my life I have grieved the death of friendships, relationships, my career and other small or big deaths. The death of a dream is really big for me and I believe for everyone. The loss of Hope probably tops the list. Yet when I finally accept the loss of Hope, then comes acceptance and with it the healing can begin.
I didn't mean this to be a sad, unhappy blog, because I am not feeling that way tonight. I am looking forward to this weekend and expect to experience and to feel joy, in fact I am feeling it already. Yet the quote wanted and needed to be written and talked about tonight.
Wednesday, April 6th, 2011...................10:54p.m.
I feel the same way. My mother grasp my hand at 20 years of age as I began a bood curaling cry and said that my father would not want that of me. Probably the worst thing and has brought more hard and opiate abuse in my life than anything she ever did or said and I loved my now belated mother more than the world. But I curse her for causing me to stuff that back into my gut. As a result I couln't even pull a tear at her funeral. I thought my relatives must think I am the coldest person in this world little did they know I was dieing with remorse and guilt and all types of emotions of what I should have said what I didn't do what I could have done and so on when she was alive. Now I'm stuck unable to properly greive for my father and my mother. Will I ever greive I don't know but according to the famous poets quote by Antonio Porchia (sounds more like a chef) I wan't exist until I grieve.
ReplyDeleteI saw the same show I think on ION the BAU Behavioral Analysis Unit where they get into the brains of mass murdered-serial killers and try to figure their next move. I LOVE THE SHOW. Couldn't figure out if it is reruns new show or where it came from why it is so good and I've hardly ever herd anything about it on ET or any of the Entertainment shows.
Criminal Minds is still on CBS Wednesday 9/8 central also on ION TELEVISION check your local listing or google also on Netflix
DeleteYes It touch me also and I hear this on Criminal Minds episode Harley Waters season 6 2011 ION Television Chicago
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