We've had our differences over the years
Due to circumstance, youth and fears
But through it all
We've persevered.
You mothered, as best you could
I resisted as children would.
For many years we stayed apart
Listening not to the heart.
But deep inside for all those years
A call was ringing in my years.
A pull that drew me in the end
To discover you as friend.
For all you did and all you do
Mother, I give thanks to you.
As friends we stand on level ground
So many things in common found.
But most of all, both first and last
We have learned from the past.
Learned that love has many forms
Life is not comprised of norms.
A Mother doesn't just give birth
This is not the task of worth.
A Mother works, laughs and cries
Reflects your value in her eyes.
She waits and waits and waits some more
Always at that open door.
Now we are as we should be,
Mother and Daughter
You and Me.
Happy Mother's Day
Love Linda
Mother's Day 1997
After almost 40 years of coming into each others lives. Through hurt and fear and tears, my daughter and I found the courage to overcome all of these and we came to recognize how much we valued each other.
Monday, May 19th, 2014................9:15p.m.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
An Ending, A Beginning, Easter And Finally Spring
On April 11, 2014 my long time friend James Richard McKeown died. Jim had been in my life for 37 years. He offered me a safe harbour during a very stormy time in my life, Cottage 29 at Edgewater Beach in Haliburton. He was a grounds keeper and Jack of all trades at this establishment. I was running, I just realized how often I use that term "running, I spent a lot of years from my teens to about 40 years old running, this time from an abusive relationship with someone in Hamilton as well as an extremely abusive affair with substance abuse. Jim became my friend, for a while my lover, as well as a substitute Father to my young adult children, particularly my 15 year old daughter, who I live with today. Jim, somehow I hope you know you know the words that my children spoke, wrote, felt, when they learned of your death.
On April 18th, one week later my latest great grandchild was born. His name is Jeremy Rush MacCharles. It probably is a fantasy, but wouldn't it be wonderful if part of Jim's soul resided in that baby. I have four children and from them 13 biological grandchildren. From these 13 grandchildren I have 9 biological great grandchildren. This is not counting children from my second marriage, my stepchildren. a term I don't like and very seldom use anymore. They are all my children and their children are my grandchildren. I have a Mother's Day Card sitting on my computer desk from Linda, the youngest of my step children. For years now we have been Mother and Daughter. Perhaps in my next post I will post her poem to me from years ago. This poem means so much to me that I keep it where I see it anytime.
Then it was Easter. A busy time, not so much for me but for my family. they were off to spend Good Friday with Dennis's Mother and Grandmother. This lady, the grandmother, had her 102nd birthday in April. We had Easter Dinner here at home, turkey, gravey stuffing and all the stuff that goes into a family dinner. During April my Grandson James, named for the now deceased Jim, turned 31 on April the 13th, my granddaughter Laura also turned 30 and my youngest grandchild turned 18 on the 7th. An eventful month, filled with lots of love and some loss, And today May the 7th is my Grand Daughter in law s birthday as well as my Grandson "Rusty Roy, My Darling Boy" 30th birthday. His birthday always signifies springs beginning for me.
On April 18th, one week later my latest great grandchild was born. His name is Jeremy Rush MacCharles. It probably is a fantasy, but wouldn't it be wonderful if part of Jim's soul resided in that baby. I have four children and from them 13 biological grandchildren. From these 13 grandchildren I have 9 biological great grandchildren. This is not counting children from my second marriage, my stepchildren. a term I don't like and very seldom use anymore. They are all my children and their children are my grandchildren. I have a Mother's Day Card sitting on my computer desk from Linda, the youngest of my step children. For years now we have been Mother and Daughter. Perhaps in my next post I will post her poem to me from years ago. This poem means so much to me that I keep it where I see it anytime.
Then it was Easter. A busy time, not so much for me but for my family. they were off to spend Good Friday with Dennis's Mother and Grandmother. This lady, the grandmother, had her 102nd birthday in April. We had Easter Dinner here at home, turkey, gravey stuffing and all the stuff that goes into a family dinner. During April my Grandson James, named for the now deceased Jim, turned 31 on April the 13th, my granddaughter Laura also turned 30 and my youngest grandchild turned 18 on the 7th. An eventful month, filled with lots of love and some loss, And today May the 7th is my Grand Daughter in law s birthday as well as my Grandson "Rusty Roy, My Darling Boy" 30th birthday. His birthday always signifies springs beginning for me.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Judith Ann MacCharles
I was 19 years old when I met Judy and she was 9. I was running away from my first marriage. I had my 3 year old son and my 18 month old daughter with me. Judy's father was looking, rather desperately. for someone to look after 3 daughters. His wife had died some months earlier of a kidney disease, that today could have treated and possibly cured.
I believe we quickly decided that we were each others answer; mine for a safe place to raise my 2 children and him for a woman who would look after his 3 daughters. Besides Judy there was Sharon 11 years old and Linda, his baby I believe was 6. Within a year we were married and in the next 2 years there were 2 more babies. When I was 22 years old I had 7 children ranging in age from 14 to newborn. I didn't find those years particularly difficult; when you are 22 years old you believe you can do anything, at least I did. The one thing I do remember is doing laundry, always doing laundry, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.
When Judy was 14 and I was 24 she started her first year of high school. This was when the trouble started. She did not adjust to high school, She did not want to go. We went through months of pleading, begging and demanding she go. Eventually her mood changed and instead of arguing or saying she was sick, she would just stay in her bed, hardly ever getting out and she cried a lot. I took her our family Dr., who told me it was a teen age phase. This man had never really approved of my marriage to a man 14 years older than myself and having 2 babies in 2 years. I was his first patient on birth control in 1961. He was probably right, 7 children at age 22 was probably enough.
After our trip home from the Dr. I thought "well, maybe he is right, what do I know about teenagers, I had just finished being a teenager myself. Judy continued staying in her bed and crying for a couple of months after that. Then, one beautiful evening in May, when the beautiful bridal wreath (Spirea I think) was blooming, as well as some lovely yellow flowers on some bushes we had in the yard, I sent my eldest child, Michael who was 8 years old at the time, upstairs to bring a blanket down. He found Judy hanging from a beam in our unfinished upstairs loft. He called for me and I raced up the stairs. I lifted her body and it sounded like she breathed, but she didn't. Her body was already cold.
Judy was dead. This beautiful young woman was gone. Nature is sometimes kind. I don't remember the next couple of days or much about her funeral. What I do remember is feeling afraid and guilty, very, very guilty. I waited for weeks for the police to come back and arrest me for letting this girl die. I was supposed to be the Mother and she had died, it had to be somebody's fault, It had to be my fault.
In the years that followed I would learn more about depression than I ever wanted to know, as I exprienced it myself, including a clinical depression that I should have been hospitalized for. I know now what I didn't know then. That I should have just hugged that girl and to hell with forcing her to go to school. That instead instead of nagging and threatening her, I should have held her and told her I loved her and everything would be Okay. Maybe that wouldn't have worked ut then again maybe it would have.
Next month it will be 50 years since this happened and I will drive by a house where the bushes with the white flowers and yellow flowers grow and I will remember Judy, like I have for the past 49 years.
Monday, April7th, 2014.......9:48p.m.
I believe we quickly decided that we were each others answer; mine for a safe place to raise my 2 children and him for a woman who would look after his 3 daughters. Besides Judy there was Sharon 11 years old and Linda, his baby I believe was 6. Within a year we were married and in the next 2 years there were 2 more babies. When I was 22 years old I had 7 children ranging in age from 14 to newborn. I didn't find those years particularly difficult; when you are 22 years old you believe you can do anything, at least I did. The one thing I do remember is doing laundry, always doing laundry, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.
When Judy was 14 and I was 24 she started her first year of high school. This was when the trouble started. She did not adjust to high school, She did not want to go. We went through months of pleading, begging and demanding she go. Eventually her mood changed and instead of arguing or saying she was sick, she would just stay in her bed, hardly ever getting out and she cried a lot. I took her our family Dr., who told me it was a teen age phase. This man had never really approved of my marriage to a man 14 years older than myself and having 2 babies in 2 years. I was his first patient on birth control in 1961. He was probably right, 7 children at age 22 was probably enough.
After our trip home from the Dr. I thought "well, maybe he is right, what do I know about teenagers, I had just finished being a teenager myself. Judy continued staying in her bed and crying for a couple of months after that. Then, one beautiful evening in May, when the beautiful bridal wreath (Spirea I think) was blooming, as well as some lovely yellow flowers on some bushes we had in the yard, I sent my eldest child, Michael who was 8 years old at the time, upstairs to bring a blanket down. He found Judy hanging from a beam in our unfinished upstairs loft. He called for me and I raced up the stairs. I lifted her body and it sounded like she breathed, but she didn't. Her body was already cold.
Judy was dead. This beautiful young woman was gone. Nature is sometimes kind. I don't remember the next couple of days or much about her funeral. What I do remember is feeling afraid and guilty, very, very guilty. I waited for weeks for the police to come back and arrest me for letting this girl die. I was supposed to be the Mother and she had died, it had to be somebody's fault, It had to be my fault.
In the years that followed I would learn more about depression than I ever wanted to know, as I exprienced it myself, including a clinical depression that I should have been hospitalized for. I know now what I didn't know then. That I should have just hugged that girl and to hell with forcing her to go to school. That instead instead of nagging and threatening her, I should have held her and told her I loved her and everything would be Okay. Maybe that wouldn't have worked ut then again maybe it would have.
Next month it will be 50 years since this happened and I will drive by a house where the bushes with the white flowers and yellow flowers grow and I will remember Judy, like I have for the past 49 years.
Monday, April7th, 2014.......9:48p.m.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
February Blog
I spent almost all of February pet/house sitting for a friend, while her husband had bowel surgery. Their house is only a 15 minute drive from home, however, in February in Bruce County, where I live, that is a long way. Our winter has been hard even for a Bruce County winter. When I moved in with my daughter and her family I decided that I wasn't ready for full retirement and started a small business looking after people's homes and pets while they were away. This wasn't to augment my income as much as to give me a purpose, something to do and feel good about.
I constantly surprise myself at how chameleon I am. Within 24 hours of moving into someone else's home I feel comfortable and change my routine to fit the dogs, cats or whatever and the motion of the house. Houses have motions and they are all different. The way the furnace or air conditioning clicks in and the fridge runs, what time the water softener back washes as well as the special creaks and moans from heat, cold, or wind.
Also when I am alone with just the pets and plants and all is quiet my minds slides back into the past and memories from the past flood me, memories that are much easier to push back down or smother when I am in my home with the comings and goings of all of our household.
Part the memories that kept appearing the past 3 weeks included the suicide of my step daughter when she was 15 and I was 25 years old. I decided while I was away that this was something I needed to blog about and I will, probably in my next blog. Some scars never really heal and sometimes not looking at them is more difficult than finding the courage to let the light in and reexamining the event and the feelings squished so tightly around around them and over them.
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014.....8:06p.m.
I constantly surprise myself at how chameleon I am. Within 24 hours of moving into someone else's home I feel comfortable and change my routine to fit the dogs, cats or whatever and the motion of the house. Houses have motions and they are all different. The way the furnace or air conditioning clicks in and the fridge runs, what time the water softener back washes as well as the special creaks and moans from heat, cold, or wind.
Also when I am alone with just the pets and plants and all is quiet my minds slides back into the past and memories from the past flood me, memories that are much easier to push back down or smother when I am in my home with the comings and goings of all of our household.
Part the memories that kept appearing the past 3 weeks included the suicide of my step daughter when she was 15 and I was 25 years old. I decided while I was away that this was something I needed to blog about and I will, probably in my next blog. Some scars never really heal and sometimes not looking at them is more difficult than finding the courage to let the light in and reexamining the event and the feelings squished so tightly around around them and over them.
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014.....8:06p.m.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
January, 2014
Wow, what a month. I don't think I have been out of the house for more than 3 times this entire month. Where we live it is known as snow country, however, this month has exceeded anything we could have expected. As a result I have spent almost all of my time in my favorite housecoat. It is pink and fleecy and fluffy and warm. So except for showers and laundry it has been my apparel of choice all month.
We have one real concern. We heat by propane and the tank is getting low. There is no way in hell that a propane truck could get through our quarter mile snow drifted driveway. We have backup electric heat in the upstairs bedrooms and Dennis, my son in law, has purchased small electric plug in heaters for the downstairs. We also cook with propane so running out of propane could be a real problem.
As for me the month has passed in a kind of haze. There is plenty of reading material, Thank God, and I spend a lot of time reading and sleeping. I think this is probably how our ancestors, in the cave man days made it through winters. In an almost dormant state our metabolism is lowered so we don't need as much food and sleeping through this weather isn't really a bad idea. I didn't want the month of January to pass without a post. Now I have done that it is back to bed with a book. Talk to you again next month.
Thursday, January 30th, 2014..........4:31p.m.
We have one real concern. We heat by propane and the tank is getting low. There is no way in hell that a propane truck could get through our quarter mile snow drifted driveway. We have backup electric heat in the upstairs bedrooms and Dennis, my son in law, has purchased small electric plug in heaters for the downstairs. We also cook with propane so running out of propane could be a real problem.
As for me the month has passed in a kind of haze. There is plenty of reading material, Thank God, and I spend a lot of time reading and sleeping. I think this is probably how our ancestors, in the cave man days made it through winters. In an almost dormant state our metabolism is lowered so we don't need as much food and sleeping through this weather isn't really a bad idea. I didn't want the month of January to pass without a post. Now I have done that it is back to bed with a book. Talk to you again next month.
Thursday, January 30th, 2014..........4:31p.m.
Monday, December 23, 2013
At Our House Two Days Before Christmas
Today is the day before the day before Christmas and our house is a little fuller and a little messier than usual. Our house never looks immaculate, thank God, I am very uncomfortable in houses that look like they are either material for a magazine or ready for showing by a real estate agent. I always feel the word "house" applys to them, not the word "home".
Our home seems to bursting at the seams right now. Besides the usual Christmas stuff, wrapped gifts, hidden garbage bags in closets, a frozen turkey in the sink and a bowl of torn up bread pieces, smelling like sage, on the cupboard and for some reason extra library books piled on and around my computer desk. The extra books are my fault. I have an irrational fear of running out of reading material, thus the many, many books.
We have four more souls living our home right now. We have two kittens, both male. Both are white, one has a few black spots and the other a few orange spots. Jon, my grandson, called one Spartan and the other Titan. But to me they are Bert and Ernie, black and white Bert and orange and white Ernie. I had forgotten how entertaining kittens were and we are enjoying them immensely. We also have a friend of the family Tara and her cat Gus.
Tara and Gus will be staying with us for the winter, while she gets some things in her life straightened out. He cat Gus is an interesting story. He is about 6 years old and is hydro cephalic, meaning he was born with water on the brain. Gus is amazingly self sufficient considering his disability but he does require some extra protection from the other pets. The fact that Tara has a hydro cephalic cat tells you a lot about her. We do this fairly often, taking in someone who needs a safe, warm and loving home, while they heal.
Our home seems to expand and then go back to its normal size when these people move on, yet they always stay a part of our family. This is update of our home and family two days before Christmas. If I don't get back to you and my blog before the end of the year; I sincerely wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year.
Monday, December 23rd, 2013................1:14p.m.
Our home seems to bursting at the seams right now. Besides the usual Christmas stuff, wrapped gifts, hidden garbage bags in closets, a frozen turkey in the sink and a bowl of torn up bread pieces, smelling like sage, on the cupboard and for some reason extra library books piled on and around my computer desk. The extra books are my fault. I have an irrational fear of running out of reading material, thus the many, many books.
We have four more souls living our home right now. We have two kittens, both male. Both are white, one has a few black spots and the other a few orange spots. Jon, my grandson, called one Spartan and the other Titan. But to me they are Bert and Ernie, black and white Bert and orange and white Ernie. I had forgotten how entertaining kittens were and we are enjoying them immensely. We also have a friend of the family Tara and her cat Gus.
Tara and Gus will be staying with us for the winter, while she gets some things in her life straightened out. He cat Gus is an interesting story. He is about 6 years old and is hydro cephalic, meaning he was born with water on the brain. Gus is amazingly self sufficient considering his disability but he does require some extra protection from the other pets. The fact that Tara has a hydro cephalic cat tells you a lot about her. We do this fairly often, taking in someone who needs a safe, warm and loving home, while they heal.
Our home seems to expand and then go back to its normal size when these people move on, yet they always stay a part of our family. This is update of our home and family two days before Christmas. If I don't get back to you and my blog before the end of the year; I sincerely wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year.
Monday, December 23rd, 2013................1:14p.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
"When We Talk To God It Is Called Prayer. When God Talks To Us It Is Called Paranoid Schitzophrenia"
I am not sure who to attribute this quote to. As usual I heard these words on my car radio, while driving into town. I am really grateful for the CBC radio, most of my topics come from listening to that station. I do know that the statement is true. I worked in the Mental Health sector for a long time and the idea of you talking to God "prayer" was usually thought to be a good thing. It seemed to encouraged, even applauded. But if you came to therapy and said that God talked to you, you were usually prescribed an antipsycotic drug and quite a few sessions with a therapist or psychiatrist. Hopefully the drugs and therapy worked and you stopped hearing from God.
Is it just me or is this just a little bit silly? Personally I have never been able to nail down the God thing. But if there is one I would hope that His/Her talking to me wouldn't call for drugs or rubber rooms. Just saying.
Thursday, December 12th, 2013............1:15p.m.
Is it just me or is this just a little bit silly? Personally I have never been able to nail down the God thing. But if there is one I would hope that His/Her talking to me wouldn't call for drugs or rubber rooms. Just saying.
Thursday, December 12th, 2013............1:15p.m.
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