"Places suggest security and spaces suggest freedom" I am not sure that is the exact quote by Taun, but it is close. These are words I first heard on CBC, then came home and looked up the quote on my computer. Then, as the process always goes with me, the words roll around in my mind until I regurgitate them in writing, usually in this blog,
For me the words definitely have a strong ring of truth. Certain places, especially the place that is home to me now, definitely equates security. I can think of two other places where I work, petsitting and housesitting, where I feel comfortable and secure almost immediately upon entering. Libraries are places of pleasure and security to me. I can get almost giddy when entering a library or a used book store. For whatever reason new book stores don't have that effect on me. New book stores are to clean and tidy. I am not against cleanliness or tidiness but libraries and used bookstore always have a little dust around and are not always the tidiest places I have been.
Spaces suggest freedom. For me freedom and spaces can be scary places. I am most able to explore them when I am coming from a place of security. I have in my life set out for places that were hundreds or even thousands of miles away from home. Almost always these places were work related. And I have to admit that it can be fun. In the early 1970s I went to work in Thompson, Manitoba. When I first arrived I did not know one person, not even the persons who met me at the airport. I made a decision then that I had never made before or since, I could and would completely give myself a new identity. I would be confident rather than shy, I would be happy rather than apprehensive, I would be a woman of the world rather than the scared child/woman who really lived in my body.
This was a strange experiment for me. And it worked. I became what I pretended to be, until it didn't feel like pretending anymore. I opened a sales division like it was something I had done many times before, when in fact it was the first time I had ever done it. I came to be able to give direction to salespeople and they listened to me. Everyone that I came to know their considered me to be a strong, knowledgeable woman and eventually even I believed it. it was a wonderful experience although I can remember thinking "someone is going to find out that I am not this strong, experienced person that I seem to be. That didn't happen. I left after the year's contact was up and my secret was never found out.
I guess to sum up my take on this quote: If I am coming from a place of security and love I can take on the spaces out there.
October is ending, the morning glories and most of the other plants on and around the deck are frost bitten. The days are getting shorter and the nights longer. I am in a warm, loving secure place and I am even looking forward to the winterness that will soon be upon us.
Tuesday, October 29th, 2013................8:27p.m.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
"September Morn"
And afternoon and evening. This morning I went outside to have my coffee on the deck. The morning glorys were all open wide, the blue ones (my favorite) and the purple ones as well as all the flowers that live on around the deck. My daughter has a way with all living things. Things bloom for her, not just plants, all living things. Her family blooms, as does her friends and neighbors, sometimes I think she is unaware of the benefits of her nuturing. And sometimes maybe we, her family are too. She makes it look so easy and natural. She moves a planter, picks off a dead bloom, humming or singing as she makes her way through her garden and life, she is a treasure and I treasure her.
For me a perfect year would have two months over and over, May and September. These are the two months I enjoy most out of the year. I have an allergy to the heat and I don't care for freezing weather either. Two of my daughters were born in September and other daughter was born June 3rd, that is close enough to May to enjoy her birthday also. My sons were born in January and July, either extreme heat or extreme cold. Perhaps that is what makes them so interesting to me. I don't know maybe they run hot and cold whereas my daughters are more temperate like the weather they born in, maybe not, just a thought. I picked up my grandson from work at 10p.m. tonight and was able to enjoy the harvest moon. A wonderful September day and night. Now it is bedtime and I am going to take the dogs, Six and Tic out for their last pee and enjoy a little more of this September night and the Harvest Moon.
Thursday September 19th, 2013............11:12 p.m.
For me a perfect year would have two months over and over, May and September. These are the two months I enjoy most out of the year. I have an allergy to the heat and I don't care for freezing weather either. Two of my daughters were born in September and other daughter was born June 3rd, that is close enough to May to enjoy her birthday also. My sons were born in January and July, either extreme heat or extreme cold. Perhaps that is what makes them so interesting to me. I don't know maybe they run hot and cold whereas my daughters are more temperate like the weather they born in, maybe not, just a thought. I picked up my grandson from work at 10p.m. tonight and was able to enjoy the harvest moon. A wonderful September day and night. Now it is bedtime and I am going to take the dogs, Six and Tic out for their last pee and enjoy a little more of this September night and the Harvest Moon.
Thursday September 19th, 2013............11:12 p.m.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Remembering A Death
Tomorrow September 9th, 2013 will be the 11th anniversary of Paul's death. Paul was in my life briefly when I was 17 years old, at that time their was a possibility that he fathered my second child. After that time he disappeared from my life for almost 40 years, or I disappeared from his, as I was the one who ran away, I ran away from my home, my husband, my life I guess. I took my two babies and ran.
In 1995 first my sister then my dad died. It was a difficult time, I was shaken and probably in some state of trauma. I recall walking around all day humming "Staying Alive, Staying Alive". It wasn't a conscious thing, my humming and when I was made aware of it I recall thinking I don't even know that song, I didn't know any other words, just staying alive. It felt like everyone I knew and loved was dying, I had also lost my best friend Joy, who was 3 years younger than me, as was my sister.
Sometime early in 1996 I received a telephone call from Paul. He had gotten my number from my eldest stepbrother. I was still humming Staying Alive and I recall thinking maybe there is a reason for "Staying Alive". It took almost a full year before Paul visited me at my home in Fenelon Falls. We talked a couple of times a week for that year. His wife had died 2 years earlier so he was a widower. His mother stilled lived in St Catherines and when she became ill Paul made the first trip from his home in Illinois to Ontario to visit his Mother and meet with me. I remember feeling like the 17 year old me again. The first time Paul came to visit I was alarmed at how thin he was. He told me then that he had had an operation 2 years before for colon cancer and his prognosis wasn't good, the Drs gave him 2 years to live. I chose to ignore this, I just wanted someone to fill the empty hole that was inside me.
Paul's mother died and Paul spent the best part of a year with me. He had to return to Illinois for more surgeries and once again was given a year to live. Paul outlived this prognosis by two years, The last two years of his life was hell, for me and for him, He was so angry and eventually I became angry also. I wanted him out of my life, I wanted my life back again, yet how do you do this when the Dr are saying he has only weeks, perhaps months to live. When in fact he lived two more years.
I don't sound like a very nice person, even to myself as I write this and remember this. My job was my life saver at this time. I began booking evening clients so I wouldn't have to go home. He began drinking more heavily and the anger boiled over in him more ofter. Somehow we got through those two years. I remember thinking "this man will never die, he will always be sick and miserable but he will never die.
On September 5th of that year he was crying and I was crying. Paul had been sleeping in a reclining chair for almost 2 years because he couldn't breath lying down. By that time the cancer was in his lungs, prostate and every part of his body. That day September 5th, I asked him to come and lay in the bed with me. I removed his housecoat that he now lived in and held his naked, skeletal frame in my arms and we both just cried. Two days later he was hospitalized again, this time for the last time.
I still didn't believe he would die, I thought he would come home again and continue being sick and miserable. On September the 9th, 2002 I stopped in the hospital on my way to work. Apparently Paul had had a stroke or something during the night. He was incapable of speech, yet he still had incredible strength and was propped up in bed slamming himself back and forth on the pillows, he was making noise but I couldn't make out what he was trying to say. His eyes were full of naked, overwhelmimg fear. I went for a nurse to give him morphine or something to calm him. Eventually she appeared with a needle. Before she give him the needle she called me. There was alarm in her voice, she said "he is dying now" and he was. I took him in my arms and whispered in his ear, I kept this up until she pulled me away. I sat by his bed for about half an hour. His eyes were wide open and a single tear was running down the left side of his face. His mouth was wide open and there was a string of spittle going from bottom lip to his top lip. I sat all that time looking at that sting of spittle, thinking isn't that strange, I should break it, but I didn't.
In 1995 first my sister then my dad died. It was a difficult time, I was shaken and probably in some state of trauma. I recall walking around all day humming "Staying Alive, Staying Alive". It wasn't a conscious thing, my humming and when I was made aware of it I recall thinking I don't even know that song, I didn't know any other words, just staying alive. It felt like everyone I knew and loved was dying, I had also lost my best friend Joy, who was 3 years younger than me, as was my sister.
Sometime early in 1996 I received a telephone call from Paul. He had gotten my number from my eldest stepbrother. I was still humming Staying Alive and I recall thinking maybe there is a reason for "Staying Alive". It took almost a full year before Paul visited me at my home in Fenelon Falls. We talked a couple of times a week for that year. His wife had died 2 years earlier so he was a widower. His mother stilled lived in St Catherines and when she became ill Paul made the first trip from his home in Illinois to Ontario to visit his Mother and meet with me. I remember feeling like the 17 year old me again. The first time Paul came to visit I was alarmed at how thin he was. He told me then that he had had an operation 2 years before for colon cancer and his prognosis wasn't good, the Drs gave him 2 years to live. I chose to ignore this, I just wanted someone to fill the empty hole that was inside me.
Paul's mother died and Paul spent the best part of a year with me. He had to return to Illinois for more surgeries and once again was given a year to live. Paul outlived this prognosis by two years, The last two years of his life was hell, for me and for him, He was so angry and eventually I became angry also. I wanted him out of my life, I wanted my life back again, yet how do you do this when the Dr are saying he has only weeks, perhaps months to live. When in fact he lived two more years.
I don't sound like a very nice person, even to myself as I write this and remember this. My job was my life saver at this time. I began booking evening clients so I wouldn't have to go home. He began drinking more heavily and the anger boiled over in him more ofter. Somehow we got through those two years. I remember thinking "this man will never die, he will always be sick and miserable but he will never die.
On September 5th of that year he was crying and I was crying. Paul had been sleeping in a reclining chair for almost 2 years because he couldn't breath lying down. By that time the cancer was in his lungs, prostate and every part of his body. That day September 5th, I asked him to come and lay in the bed with me. I removed his housecoat that he now lived in and held his naked, skeletal frame in my arms and we both just cried. Two days later he was hospitalized again, this time for the last time.
I still didn't believe he would die, I thought he would come home again and continue being sick and miserable. On September the 9th, 2002 I stopped in the hospital on my way to work. Apparently Paul had had a stroke or something during the night. He was incapable of speech, yet he still had incredible strength and was propped up in bed slamming himself back and forth on the pillows, he was making noise but I couldn't make out what he was trying to say. His eyes were full of naked, overwhelmimg fear. I went for a nurse to give him morphine or something to calm him. Eventually she appeared with a needle. Before she give him the needle she called me. There was alarm in her voice, she said "he is dying now" and he was. I took him in my arms and whispered in his ear, I kept this up until she pulled me away. I sat by his bed for about half an hour. His eyes were wide open and a single tear was running down the left side of his face. His mouth was wide open and there was a string of spittle going from bottom lip to his top lip. I sat all that time looking at that sting of spittle, thinking isn't that strange, I should break it, but I didn't.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
"The Best Time Is Now"
Yesterday, July 17th, would have been my 59th wedding anniversary. My son will be 59 this coming January, so if you do the math you will see that I was pregnant at 15 years old and my son was born 2 months after my 16th birthday. I believe something good always comes out of anything and Michael is my proof of that theory.
I think it was on an Oprah that I first seen the post title. For me it so true, the best time is now. In my daughter's home, my home, we have 2 air conditioners chugging away trying to cool the downstairs of the house. My daughter sleeping soundly on the chesterfield, because the upstairs bedrooms are so warm. My grandson is sleeping soundly on his bed upstairs, because he is 17 and can sleep anywhere, also because he went to work this morning at 7a.m and I picked him up at 3 this afternoon. After I picked him up we had to go to a neighbors and a friend to dig a hole for her to bury her 13 year dog who has doing poorly. I look after these animals when our neighbor/friends go away, the last time I was with them was last weekend. I noticed that the doomed dog was much more alert than she had been. Her owner noticed that too and called the vet and cancelled the needle for now. I was glad, his old dog is a favorite of mine. Puppies are cute but there is something about older dogs that appeal to me, possibly I just identify with them.
Anyway, right now I am only one awake in the house. My daughter goes to work at 10p.m. and finishes at 7a.m. Jonathon goes tomorrow at 7a.m. and I will be up to drive him and I will pick him up again tomorrow at 3p.m. It is nice how everything works in this home, we are all willing to make adjustments to accommodate each other, I think that is what makes it a happy home, we all love each other and we all know it.
I think I have written about Tic our new dog, but here goes again. When Poppy died, Six, our German Shepherd, did some serious grieving. She stopped eating, barely drank water and after 4 days she would go out on the deck every night and howl. The howling was so sad and so mournful that we began to worry about her health, particularly since she wasn't eating. My daughter, this wise and wonderful woman, decided that we needed another dog for Six. If you knew Six you would know how ridiculous this sounded. Six doesn't like anything or anyone who isn't part of her pack; most of her pack live in this house. I swear this dog can smell DNA, because if someone comes to visit who is blood related they are safe from her wrath, however if you are not a blood relative you have to watch it. Anyway for Six we got a puppy Labradoodle. Her name is Luna(tic). I call her Tic. Just to let you know, Six does not have a maternal bone in her body, she has never been fixed and she has never let a male dog come anywhere near her, so her maternal is zero except for her pack (us). When we first brought Tic home I though OMG she will be a sacrificial lamb, in this case puppy. That was 7 months ago and Tic is still with us. The only time she ever suffered at the teeth of Six was when she literally jumped into the snarling mouth of Six, my daughter and I witnessed the suicidal puppy when this happened... ..They co exist now and Six stopped howling right after Tic arrived. One day I want to do a post on Six, who I call Lady and Luna who I call Tic. It will be called "Lady And The Tic". Happy July All.
Thursday, July 18th, 2013.....7:15p.m.
I think it was on an Oprah that I first seen the post title. For me it so true, the best time is now. In my daughter's home, my home, we have 2 air conditioners chugging away trying to cool the downstairs of the house. My daughter sleeping soundly on the chesterfield, because the upstairs bedrooms are so warm. My grandson is sleeping soundly on his bed upstairs, because he is 17 and can sleep anywhere, also because he went to work this morning at 7a.m and I picked him up at 3 this afternoon. After I picked him up we had to go to a neighbors and a friend to dig a hole for her to bury her 13 year dog who has doing poorly. I look after these animals when our neighbor/friends go away, the last time I was with them was last weekend. I noticed that the doomed dog was much more alert than she had been. Her owner noticed that too and called the vet and cancelled the needle for now. I was glad, his old dog is a favorite of mine. Puppies are cute but there is something about older dogs that appeal to me, possibly I just identify with them.
Anyway, right now I am only one awake in the house. My daughter goes to work at 10p.m. and finishes at 7a.m. Jonathon goes tomorrow at 7a.m. and I will be up to drive him and I will pick him up again tomorrow at 3p.m. It is nice how everything works in this home, we are all willing to make adjustments to accommodate each other, I think that is what makes it a happy home, we all love each other and we all know it.
I think I have written about Tic our new dog, but here goes again. When Poppy died, Six, our German Shepherd, did some serious grieving. She stopped eating, barely drank water and after 4 days she would go out on the deck every night and howl. The howling was so sad and so mournful that we began to worry about her health, particularly since she wasn't eating. My daughter, this wise and wonderful woman, decided that we needed another dog for Six. If you knew Six you would know how ridiculous this sounded. Six doesn't like anything or anyone who isn't part of her pack; most of her pack live in this house. I swear this dog can smell DNA, because if someone comes to visit who is blood related they are safe from her wrath, however if you are not a blood relative you have to watch it. Anyway for Six we got a puppy Labradoodle. Her name is Luna(tic). I call her Tic. Just to let you know, Six does not have a maternal bone in her body, she has never been fixed and she has never let a male dog come anywhere near her, so her maternal is zero except for her pack (us). When we first brought Tic home I though OMG she will be a sacrificial lamb, in this case puppy. That was 7 months ago and Tic is still with us. The only time she ever suffered at the teeth of Six was when she literally jumped into the snarling mouth of Six, my daughter and I witnessed the suicidal puppy when this happened... ..They co exist now and Six stopped howling right after Tic arrived. One day I want to do a post on Six, who I call Lady and Luna who I call Tic. It will be called "Lady And The Tic". Happy July All.
Thursday, July 18th, 2013.....7:15p.m.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
"That's Right Up My Cup Of Tea"
It is June 1st. Life is good. Family and friends are healthy. I am a great grandmother for the 6th time and will be again in about 5 weeks. That makes 7 great grandchildren born without the (benefit???) of marriage. I mentioned in an earlier post how wonderful it is to see people get past, way past, the marriage thing. I wonder how this trend is affecting divorce lawyers?? I spend a lot time worrying about lawyers. I was so glad when gay marriage was legislated, I mean why should they not help support lawyers.
I suppose I am being a little sarcastic, something I don't like in others and I don't like it in myself. It is just that I find it so difficult not to do one of the few things I am good at. My own children, who are all now grandparents themselves, have really good, healthy marriages and/or relationships. Linda, my eldest daughter married her partner Ann 6 or 7 years ago. Everyone who knows Ann loves her. They are delightful to be with and happy with their marriage and each other. Michael, my first born, is very happy in his marriage to Shelia and has made a wonderful home for his blended family.
Janet, my second born is in a happy marriage, as far as I know. At least they are still together. Janet and I have been estranged for many years now. Sometimes a child gets the wrong parents or the parents get the wrong child. It happens. I wish her well and hopefully she wishes me well. Rusty my third born, is with a lady I am very fond of and as far as I know they are well and happy. Leighann, Rusty's lady, is the kind of person I would like to have around if I needed care and we have made an agreement that should that happen she will be here. Hopefully that never happens but it is nice to know that if it is ever does she will be here. Tami, my baby girl, is married to one of my favorite people on the planet, and seeing as she is also one of the best people on the planet it works very well.
I live with Tami and Dennis in a large yellow brick farmhouse, built in 1875. It is a happy home that always 3 generations, often 4 with their own grandchildren and occasionally 5 generations when Dennis's grandma, a 101 year old lady comes to visit. Because I have lived here for over 5 years I have had a lot of time to observe a marriage where he always puts her first and she puts him first. It is a very mature relationship. They don't have to be all over each other to prove something. They already know and it shows. So, perhaps I am the screwup in marriage, in fact I am almost sure that I am. Be that as it may, I am happy and I am grateful. In fact this life I am living is right up my cup of tea.
Saturday, June 1st, 2013.......9:42p.m.
I suppose I am being a little sarcastic, something I don't like in others and I don't like it in myself. It is just that I find it so difficult not to do one of the few things I am good at. My own children, who are all now grandparents themselves, have really good, healthy marriages and/or relationships. Linda, my eldest daughter married her partner Ann 6 or 7 years ago. Everyone who knows Ann loves her. They are delightful to be with and happy with their marriage and each other. Michael, my first born, is very happy in his marriage to Shelia and has made a wonderful home for his blended family.
Janet, my second born is in a happy marriage, as far as I know. At least they are still together. Janet and I have been estranged for many years now. Sometimes a child gets the wrong parents or the parents get the wrong child. It happens. I wish her well and hopefully she wishes me well. Rusty my third born, is with a lady I am very fond of and as far as I know they are well and happy. Leighann, Rusty's lady, is the kind of person I would like to have around if I needed care and we have made an agreement that should that happen she will be here. Hopefully that never happens but it is nice to know that if it is ever does she will be here. Tami, my baby girl, is married to one of my favorite people on the planet, and seeing as she is also one of the best people on the planet it works very well.
I live with Tami and Dennis in a large yellow brick farmhouse, built in 1875. It is a happy home that always 3 generations, often 4 with their own grandchildren and occasionally 5 generations when Dennis's grandma, a 101 year old lady comes to visit. Because I have lived here for over 5 years I have had a lot of time to observe a marriage where he always puts her first and she puts him first. It is a very mature relationship. They don't have to be all over each other to prove something. They already know and it shows. So, perhaps I am the screwup in marriage, in fact I am almost sure that I am. Be that as it may, I am happy and I am grateful. In fact this life I am living is right up my cup of tea.
Saturday, June 1st, 2013.......9:42p.m.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Recovery
"No matter who we find ourselves relating to, and what we discover happening in the relationship, the issue is still about us, and not about the other person. That is the heart, the hope, and the power of recovery."
That is a quote from Melody Beattie from "The Language Of Letting Go", a book I read each morning. I read this on April 29th and the words are still running through my mind. When this happens I have to write them down, digest them and regurgitate them on paper, or in this case in my blog.
Something deep inside me balked when I read these words. I have been in relationships, family relationships, friend relationships, work relationships and even neighbour relationships where I felt the issue was definitely about the other person not me. When I take this path I find my body and my mind filled with resentment; I have actually become physically ill and/or severely depressed when I stay on this path.
It "is" about me. It is about my reaction to someone else's words or actions. And yes sometimes they are at fault. When anyone deliberately betrays or hurts you, that is their doing. The problem comes when I make it my job to retaliate or inflict blame. Because that isn't my job. At the end of all the pain, hurt and betrayal, my job is to speak "The Language Of Letting Go". Only then can the Universe, Karma, whatever set right the wrongs.
Thursday, May 16th, 2013............1:00p.m.
That is a quote from Melody Beattie from "The Language Of Letting Go", a book I read each morning. I read this on April 29th and the words are still running through my mind. When this happens I have to write them down, digest them and regurgitate them on paper, or in this case in my blog.
Something deep inside me balked when I read these words. I have been in relationships, family relationships, friend relationships, work relationships and even neighbour relationships where I felt the issue was definitely about the other person not me. When I take this path I find my body and my mind filled with resentment; I have actually become physically ill and/or severely depressed when I stay on this path.
It "is" about me. It is about my reaction to someone else's words or actions. And yes sometimes they are at fault. When anyone deliberately betrays or hurts you, that is their doing. The problem comes when I make it my job to retaliate or inflict blame. Because that isn't my job. At the end of all the pain, hurt and betrayal, my job is to speak "The Language Of Letting Go". Only then can the Universe, Karma, whatever set right the wrongs.
Thursday, May 16th, 2013............1:00p.m.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Happy Month Of May
Today is the 7th of May. I always enjoy this month, however, this year I seem to be more aware of being happy. This can be a kind of scary feeling for me. I think I am afraid of being happy. When I have been happy in the past it seems like something has always happened to jerk me out of that state of being. Even as a very young child I can remember laughing and then hearing my mother's voice
"What are laughing at? Whats so God Damned funny?" Of course the same went for crying, "What are you crying about? There is nothing to cry about. I'll give you something to cry about." These old messages are still in my head and they always will be. It is my 70 something job to go back and reassure the 7 year old little girl that it is safe to be happy.
I am sure that I am not the only adult hat carries these messages, we all carry decades old messages that were permanently planted in our child self. For myself, I have found that the more grateful I am for the things and people in my life the happier I am. I love the new green colour of the leaves. This colour only last for a week or 10 days then that new green colour begins to darken, so I always spend a lot time during the first 2 weeks of may looking at new leaves. This is the time of year when I think of our planet as "The Good Earth".
Today is the Birthday of my grandson Rusty Roy and of my grand daughter in law Stephanie, who makes the beautiful babies. All kinds of wonderful things happened on May 7th including the launching of the space shuttle Endeavour in 1992. Happy Birthday Rusty Roy and Stephanie.
Tuesday, May 7th, 2013........................12:25p.m.
"What are laughing at? Whats so God Damned funny?" Of course the same went for crying, "What are you crying about? There is nothing to cry about. I'll give you something to cry about." These old messages are still in my head and they always will be. It is my 70 something job to go back and reassure the 7 year old little girl that it is safe to be happy.
I am sure that I am not the only adult hat carries these messages, we all carry decades old messages that were permanently planted in our child self. For myself, I have found that the more grateful I am for the things and people in my life the happier I am. I love the new green colour of the leaves. This colour only last for a week or 10 days then that new green colour begins to darken, so I always spend a lot time during the first 2 weeks of may looking at new leaves. This is the time of year when I think of our planet as "The Good Earth".
Today is the Birthday of my grandson Rusty Roy and of my grand daughter in law Stephanie, who makes the beautiful babies. All kinds of wonderful things happened on May 7th including the launching of the space shuttle Endeavour in 1992. Happy Birthday Rusty Roy and Stephanie.
Tuesday, May 7th, 2013........................12:25p.m.
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