"That's Right Up My Cup Of Tea"

It is June 1st.  Life is good.  Family and friends are healthy.  I am a great grandmother for the 6th time and will be again in about 5 weeks.  That makes 7 great grandchildren born without the (benefit???) of marriage.  I mentioned in an earlier post how wonderful it is to see people get past, way past, the marriage thing.  I wonder how this trend is affecting divorce lawyers??  I spend a lot time worrying about lawyers.  I was so glad when gay marriage was legislated, I mean why should they not help support lawyers.

I suppose I am being a little sarcastic, something I don't like in others and I don't like it in myself.  It is just that I find it so difficult not to do one of the few things I am good at.  My own children, who are all now grandparents themselves, have really good, healthy marriages and/or relationships.  Linda, my eldest daughter married her partner Ann 6 or 7 years ago.  Everyone who knows Ann loves her.  They are delightful to be with and happy with their marriage and each other.  Michael, my first born, is very happy in his marriage to Shelia and has made a wonderful home for his blended family.
Janet, my second born is in a happy marriage, as far as I know.  At least they are still together.  Janet and I have been estranged for many years now.  Sometimes a child gets the wrong parents or the parents get the wrong child.  It happens.  I wish her well and hopefully she wishes me well.  Rusty my third born, is with a lady I am very fond of and as far as I know they are well and happy.  Leighann, Rusty's lady, is the kind of person I would like to have around if I needed care and we have made an agreement that should that happen she will be here.  Hopefully that never happens but it is nice to know that if it is ever does she will be here.  Tami, my baby girl, is married to one of my favorite people on the planet, and seeing as she is also one of the best people on the planet it works very well.

I live with Tami and Dennis in a large yellow brick farmhouse, built in 1875.  It is a happy home that always 3 generations, often 4 with their own grandchildren and occasionally 5 generations when Dennis's grandma, a 101 year old lady comes to visit.  Because I have lived here for over 5 years I have had a lot of time to observe a marriage where he always puts her first and she puts him first.  It is a very mature relationship.  They don't have to be all over each other to prove something.  They already know and it shows.  So, perhaps I am the screwup in marriage, in fact I am almost sure that I am.  Be that as it may, I am happy and I am grateful.  In fact this life I am living is right up my cup of tea.

Saturday, June 1st, 2013.......9:42p.m.

Recovery

"No matter who we find ourselves relating to, and what we discover happening in the relationship,  the issue is still about us, and not about the other person.  That is the heart, the hope, and the power of recovery."

That is a quote from Melody Beattie from "The Language Of Letting Go", a book I read each morning.  I read this on April 29th and the words are still running through my mind.  When this happens I have to write them down, digest them and regurgitate them on paper, or in this case in my blog.

Something deep inside me balked when I read these words.  I have been in relationships, family relationships, friend relationships, work relationships and even neighbour relationships where I felt the issue was definitely about the other person not me.  When I take this path I find my body and my mind filled with resentment; I have actually become physically ill and/or severely depressed when I stay on this path.

It "is" about me.  It is about my reaction to someone else's words or actions.  And yes sometimes they are at fault.  When anyone deliberately betrays or hurts you, that is their doing.  The problem comes when I make it my job to retaliate or inflict blame.  Because that isn't my job.  At the end of all the pain, hurt and betrayal, my job is to speak "The Language Of Letting Go".  Only then can the Universe, Karma, whatever set right the wrongs.

Thursday, May 16th, 2013............1:00p.m.

Happy Month Of May

Today is the 7th of May.  I always enjoy this month, however, this year I seem to be more aware of being happy.  This can be a kind of scary feeling for me.  I think I am afraid of being happy.  When I have been happy in the past it seems like something has always happened to jerk me out of that state of being.  Even as a very young child I can remember laughing and then hearing my mother's voice
"What are laughing at?  Whats so God Damned funny?"  Of course the same went for crying,  "What are you crying about? There is nothing to cry about.  I'll give you something to cry about."  These old messages are still in my head and they always will be.  It is my 70 something job to go back and reassure the 7 year old little girl that it is safe to be happy.

I am sure that I am not the only adult hat carries these messages, we all carry decades old messages that were permanently planted in our child self.  For myself, I have found that the more grateful I am for the things and people in my life the happier I am.  I love the new green colour of the leaves.  This colour only last for a week or 10 days then that new green colour begins to darken, so I always spend a lot time during the first 2 weeks of may looking at new leaves.  This is the time of year when I think of our planet as "The Good Earth".

Today is the Birthday of my grandson Rusty Roy and of my grand daughter in law Stephanie, who makes the beautiful babies.  All kinds of wonderful things happened on May 7th including the launching of the space shuttle Endeavour in 1992.  Happy Birthday Rusty Roy and Stephanie.

Tuesday, May 7th, 2013........................12:25p.m.

"Amputate Your Sense Of Shame"

This is just a part of a quote by Roy H Williams.  The entire quote is:  "Fear is the assassin of success.  Why not bulletproof in 2 easy steps? 1)Make peace with the possibility of failure.
2) Amputate your sense of shame."

There is enough "meat" in those two sentences for a number of blogs.  Tonight I will start with the second step.  "Amputate your sense of shame".

I am thinking now of a blog I did a little while ago, where I gave the example of fear being taught.  If that is almost always true, then in my opinion "shame"  is always taught.  No one is born with a sense of shame.  Someone always has to teach you shame.  In over 70 years of living I have never seen a newborn baby, puppy, kitten, etc etc exhibit shame.

There is enough blame to go around when it comes to the people and societies who advertently or inadvertantly teach shame.  I think schools and churchs are outstanding examples of how to impose shame on innocent children.  How many of us hasn't stood at the front of the class with our faces red and our heads bowed as we gave a wrong answer or totally forgot what  we had memorized and prepared to regurgitate in front of a teacher and class.  And what about presenting at a work related function?  That is really fun as we stumble for the words.  I have reread my own blogs after spell checking (or not) and realize that I have typed the same word twice.  I always feel the warmth in face when that happens; because I know that you will know that I made a mistake.  Even understanding why I make this mistake (because my brain works a lot faster than my fingers.  Thank God or I would be here all day.)

The only tool I have found that works for me is at the very beginning of a presentation is to say something like there is very good chance I may mess, funk this up, depending on my audience, because I am not perfect and I have a whole other life when I am not here; however, I will do my best to present the content as clearly as possible and take questions later.  I never claim to be an expert on anything except myself, my feelings and my experiences...........That helps sometimes........

Wednesday, April 24th, 2013.........9p.m.

"Nearly All Men Can Stand Adversity, But If You Want To Test A Man's Character, Give Him Power".

This is a quote by Abraham Lincoln.  I found it at the beginning of a book by Denise Mina.  Every so often I run across words like these; I read them, then read them again, close the book and ruminate on the words.  They stay in my mind until I finally write them and explore them.  It brings me back to "Power Corrupts And Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely".

It is difficult to not let power change you.  Sometimes it is easier to deal with adversity, adversity is something most of us are familiar we and in familiarity there is a kind of comfort.  For me the feeling is something like "oh yea, I know this place, I have been here before.  I know exactly where I am, I am not lost. (for me being lost is probably my number 1 fear).

 In my life when I was put in a position of authority (and I was put there, I am sure I didn't apply for it) what I felt was a whole lot of responsibility.  My last position of authority was with the Ministry Of Health, I came to Executive Director of that organization more by attrition than anything else.  However, because I strongly believed in the values of the Organization, I worked very hard to make it work and I enjoyed every day that I did it,.  There were no doubts times when I used my authority for my good and more times when I used it for the good of someone else, who needed an advocate for them.  People with Mental Health issues have very little if any voice of their own.

It is hard even for me to believe that I was as naive as I was at 68 years old, when I was undermined by others who wanted that position for their own selfish and somewhat sinister ideas.  I was even told months before the betrayal to be careful of these people.  I didn't really pay enough attention to the people warning me.  I was "terminated", God don't you love that word?  I felt terminated, or exterminated and the slimy people got their way,  It took less than 3 years to destroy completely what it took me 17 years to build.  Forgiving these people is the hardest thing I ever did.  And when I did it, I did it for myself so I could move on.

That is my story of having power.  I haven't touched on the smaller things about having power, like having power over small children or women or minority's.  All of which I witnessed.

Afternoon Thoughts

Thursday, April 18th, 2013.........5:46p.m.

Words From My Daughter

"My Mother taught me everything I needed to know about being a woman and a friend and my Mother In Law taught me everything I needed to know about being a wife and mother".  These are words I over heard from my daughter while she was talking to a friend.  My first reaction was to be a little bit hurt that I didn't teach her everything.  I took a couple steps back in my mind and thought: What the hell could I teach anyone about being a wife?  I was married twice by the time I was 20 and all I knew about marriage was that I didn't like it, in fact I disliked it immensely.  During my marriages I always felt trapped, dependant and gagged.  I felt like I could hardly breathe.  I so envy my grandchildren.  So far five of them have a had a child without the (benefit???) of marriage and everyone celebrates the birth if their children, including me, perhaps especially me.  That was a definite NO NO in the 50s and 60s.  There was a few words during that time period for women who had a child without having a husband and none of them were very nice.

On the other hand my daughter's Mother In Law appears to be a woman who really embraced marriage and Motherhood.  She was married to husband for over 40 years before he died.  They had 5 children, one of whom is my son in law; he is one the best people I have ever known. Molly,  the Mother In Law has pretty well dedicated her life to her husband and her children.  Now at age 77 she is constantly babysitting her great grandchildren, not just for a few hours here and there but everyday all day.  I really like this woman and I admire her, I just know that I couldn't be her.  And I am pretty sure that she would say she couldn't be me.  I no longer feel any hurt or resentment about my daughter's words.  She is right it took two women to teach her everything she had to know about having the well rounded life she enjoys today.  And I thank Molly for her contribution.

Thoughts in the evening

Sunday, March 24th, 2012.........8:24p.m.

My Dad Roy Edward Hardman

The man I called Dad was not my Father.  My biological Father bailed when I was 3 and my sister was a newborn.  I could never get too angry with him for leaving my Mother, in fact I understood that to well.  I remember wishing that he taken me with him; other than that I never thought much about my father.

The man I called Dad was born in 1900; we always knew how old he was.  In 1950 he was 50 and so on.  I believe he loved me, as much as my Mother would allow anyway.  He was a strong man both physically and in many other ways.  I can't say how intellectually strong he would have been, he had a grade 4 education.  Even with that level of education he was 3rd class marine engineer as well as a 3rd class stationary engineer. My Mother was 22 when she met him and he was 42.  He had just become a widower with 4 children and of course my Mother had Peggy and I.  Because of the age difference his children were older than my sister and me.  Over years they at one point married, I don't remember it, I believe they were  married by the justice of the peace, I know it was not a large affair.

When I was 8 years old my Mother had a child, my brother Sam.  Actually his name was Roy after his Father, but for whatever reason he was called Sam from the day he was born.  When I was 10 and Sam was 2 my dad decided to try and get his 2nd class Engineers papers.  This never happened because the rules had been changed and he would need to write for his 2nd class papers.  When he got his 3rd class papers apparently no one had to write for their papers, they just did an apprenticeship under the men who were engineers and if there were tests it was hands on work.  As I said my dad had grade 4 education and his writing and spelling were not good,

I liked my dad, I probably loved him,  He knew all kinds of neat things.  He had a trapline every winter and spring,  He augmented his income this way.  He caught skunks, racoons, weasel and fox in the winter and muskrats in the spring.  All winter our house smelled like skunk, we got used to it but school mates would hold their noses when we went to school.  My dad could fix shoes, I remember he had a metal lass or last I am not sure how it was spelled.  I recall him putting our shoes on it and adjusting it to that size then resoleing our shoes.  I am pretty sure no one does that anymore.  He played the mouth organ and could also play the fiddle.  He was an amazing man and I realize now that I never appreciated him.  He died in 1960 at 60 years of age.  I was pregant with my fourth and last child and my sister was pregnant with her second child.  We both gave birth within 2 months of his dying.

Thoughts About My Dad

Tuesday, February 19th, 2013...........7:22p.m.