Less than 3 months ago my daughter Tami and her husband Dennis lost their son Charles. And I lost a grandson, and his two little boys lost a daddy, and his brothers lost a brother and his niece and nephews lost an uncle. And his life partner Stephanie lost her partner and the father of her children. The ripples get larger and larger as we include best friends and work colleagues.
Charles was an electrician like his dad. He was the one of our family who could stand still with 2 humming bid feeders in his hands and the birds would be all over him, they sensed his gentle soul and obviously trusted him. His smile was contagious. Everyone smiled with him. He was not a saint, he was human enough to be real and it was that side of him that I especially loved. I am so fortunate that my grandchildren like me, as well as love me. With almost everyone of them I have a special relationship in which they allow themselves to be vulnerable and honest, without fear of judgment or recriminations. Because of that I was privy to a lot of their feelings, both good and not so good. That relationship with Charles let me know him as the man he had become. A sensitive, loving, and kind man. This man held his Mother and Father in Awe, as he should have because they are awesome people as well as parents.
He was a great brother, loved and admired by his brothers, as he admired them, each one for different reasons. This was one of the talks we had. During that talk he was telling me how much he loved his parents and that he hoped he would make them proud and they wouldn't be disappointed in him. He talked to me about each of his brothers, discussing both their strengths and possible weakness's. These were usually strengths and weakness's that he recognized because most of them resided in himself. It is hard to believe that any talks I have with him from now on he will not be present or so many believe. Me?? Well I feel his presence so often that I know he remains close to us all. He will never have knees that have to be replaced and pain that arthritis and other aging problems bring about. He will remain young and beautiful and loved by myself and every person who had the privilege of knowing him long enough to know the amazing man he was.
p.s. Thank you for the gifts you surprise with every so often. I recognize them and I am grateful.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015........9:20p.m.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
Grandmas
I like being a Grandma and I think I am a better Grandma than I was a Mother. That hurts even as I write it, but I have made my peace with that part of my life. I had my first child right after my 16th birthday and my 4th and last child 2 months before my 23 birthday. At that time I also had 3 stepchildren. Seven children at 23 is a lot. One of the good things is that at 23 you are, or at least I was, full of energy and I could keep up with the physical demands of 7 children.
At 23 I was also wrapped up in myself. I had not had the teen years that most of us get to work through a lot of the things. I now realize that this is true in a large percentage of people. Until approximately age 40 we are not grown up enough to truly put another human being before ourselves, at least not on a full time basis. We have our own relationships, careers and lives to live. Many of us try very hard to parent and every child has their own set of needs and personality quirks, making it a brand new experience with each child.
My first memory of a grandparent is strange and vague. When I was 3 apparently we lived with my Aunt Emily. My Mother and Father had seperated, my baby sister was still very much a baby and for whatever reason we ended up living with Aunt Emily and Uncle Gord and their 5 children. I don't actually remember many events but I do remember feelings and I know I felt unsafe there. Perhaps I was born feeling unsafe, it seems to something I carry around with me from place to place. At Aunt Emily's I remember my first interaction with a Grandma figure She wasn't even a biological grandma. Apparently she rented a room from my Aunt and uncle. I had to be about 3 years old. My cousins were noisy and rough, all male except one. When I was scared or being hurt by them, I remember this old (she had to be younger than I am now) woman. She would take me into her room and hold me on her lap. This is about 74 years ago. i called her grandma Hair. I believe that is what everyone called her.
Grandma Hair's room had a round black stove in it. She used to take something that lifted the lid off part of the stove and she would put bread over the heat and toast it and feed me. I remember this woman, yet I forget the house and everything else about this time of my life. I remember thinking, even at 3 or 4 years old that it was strange her name was Hair. I am not even sure now if the spelling is correct. I remember her and the warmth and attention she paid me. It felt like she took me out of a herd of dangerous animals and rescued me for at a short time. Once we moved away I never seen again and I never forgot her either.
Monday June 1st, 2015.........2:00p.m.
At 23 I was also wrapped up in myself. I had not had the teen years that most of us get to work through a lot of the things. I now realize that this is true in a large percentage of people. Until approximately age 40 we are not grown up enough to truly put another human being before ourselves, at least not on a full time basis. We have our own relationships, careers and lives to live. Many of us try very hard to parent and every child has their own set of needs and personality quirks, making it a brand new experience with each child.
My first memory of a grandparent is strange and vague. When I was 3 apparently we lived with my Aunt Emily. My Mother and Father had seperated, my baby sister was still very much a baby and for whatever reason we ended up living with Aunt Emily and Uncle Gord and their 5 children. I don't actually remember many events but I do remember feelings and I know I felt unsafe there. Perhaps I was born feeling unsafe, it seems to something I carry around with me from place to place. At Aunt Emily's I remember my first interaction with a Grandma figure She wasn't even a biological grandma. Apparently she rented a room from my Aunt and uncle. I had to be about 3 years old. My cousins were noisy and rough, all male except one. When I was scared or being hurt by them, I remember this old (she had to be younger than I am now) woman. She would take me into her room and hold me on her lap. This is about 74 years ago. i called her grandma Hair. I believe that is what everyone called her.
Grandma Hair's room had a round black stove in it. She used to take something that lifted the lid off part of the stove and she would put bread over the heat and toast it and feed me. I remember this woman, yet I forget the house and everything else about this time of my life. I remember thinking, even at 3 or 4 years old that it was strange her name was Hair. I am not even sure now if the spelling is correct. I remember her and the warmth and attention she paid me. It felt like she took me out of a herd of dangerous animals and rescued me for at a short time. Once we moved away I never seen again and I never forgot her either.
Monday June 1st, 2015.........2:00p.m.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Groundhog Day And An Early Happy Valentine Day
Last Year, late fall or early winter, I got locked out of my blog and I am so computer savvy that I remained locked out until today, The really sad part is I am not sure how or why I got in today when I havn't been able to for months. The other sad thing is that so many things have happened that I could have, should have blogged about and now that I am on I feel unprepared. So, I will just start with whatever comes to mind first.
A few weeks ago we had to put our German Shepherd Six down. I wanted to write that we "lost", in fact I did write lost, then backspaced and put down a more accurate account. We didn't lose her, although I have felt a great loss since her death. We had her put down, even that terminology feels wrong, we had her "euthanized" that is the correct term, even if I am uncomfortable with it. A couple of years ago we went through this same ordeal with Poppy, our beloved Lab. She became a $5000 dog. This was done for our sake, not hers. When Six became ill and was bleeding heavy vaginally the really sad part for me was seeing and sensing the shame she felt for making a mess in the house. She was a clean dog, I think she would have crossed her legs all night rather than make a mess in the house.
That is the sad part of 2015. There was much joy and happiness also. Christmas and New Years is always a happy time here. This definitely is "The House Where Love Lives" Now that I am back I hope to be on almost daily for the winter, as the driveway is long and drifted with snow and my car is not 4 wheel drive. This is my hibernation time. Me, my computer, the Television and lots of Library books.
Friday, January 30th, 2015........2:28p.m.
A few weeks ago we had to put our German Shepherd Six down. I wanted to write that we "lost", in fact I did write lost, then backspaced and put down a more accurate account. We didn't lose her, although I have felt a great loss since her death. We had her put down, even that terminology feels wrong, we had her "euthanized" that is the correct term, even if I am uncomfortable with it. A couple of years ago we went through this same ordeal with Poppy, our beloved Lab. She became a $5000 dog. This was done for our sake, not hers. When Six became ill and was bleeding heavy vaginally the really sad part for me was seeing and sensing the shame she felt for making a mess in the house. She was a clean dog, I think she would have crossed her legs all night rather than make a mess in the house.
That is the sad part of 2015. There was much joy and happiness also. Christmas and New Years is always a happy time here. This definitely is "The House Where Love Lives" Now that I am back I hope to be on almost daily for the winter, as the driveway is long and drifted with snow and my car is not 4 wheel drive. This is my hibernation time. Me, my computer, the Television and lots of Library books.
Friday, January 30th, 2015........2:28p.m.
Monday, October 20, 2014
This Old House
This is a picture of our house taken last year over the Christmas Holidays. I had my son in law take a picture for me. I told him I wanted it for a screen saver but the moment I saw the fading light on the snow and the Christmas lights I knew I wanted it to be a painting, It was finished the end of June and I kept it until the first week of September, when my son in law's birthday falls on the 1st and my daughter's falls on the 5th; their birthdays are celebrated jointly in Labour Day weekend.
The picture was certainly a surprise. I like getting things for this branch of my family; probably because I know what would be really appreciated and more important, what is needed. My gifts are usually practical, like prepaying an amount on their hydro bill and propane bill every winter. Those things are really appreciated and seeing as I don't pay rent I feel good about contributing to the household, The painting was really something different and when they opened it they looked as surprised as they did happy, As days went by over the next couple of weeks I heard more and more comments about the picture and I came to realize how much they were enjoying it. The picture was painted by Brenda Depres, an artist whose work I am familiar with and enjoy. I will put her website at the bottom of this post for anyone who is interested.
I would like to have a four season collage of our home and the property attached. Because this house is so old, 1875, there is major renovations everywhere. Many have already been done and still more are on the to do list, This summer we have a bricklayer doing renovation and repointing with yellow bricks almost 140 years old. This is a big 4 bedroom home and every new venture is expensive. We are trying hard to keep the old homestead feeling , This is a home, that houses 3 generations at all times and quite often 4 generations with my great grandsons. The house expands when someone needs a home for a few weeks or months, then effortlessly shrinks back when that person moves on. I have always felt it is the perfect place to come and heal, physically heal, emotionally heal and any other kind of healing a person needs throughout their lifetime.
https://www.facebook.com/ArtisticImpressionsbybldespres
Monday, October 20th, 2014,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,9:16p.m.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
SUMMER..............It's Over
In South Western Ontario the leaves are changing. Signs of autumn showing everywhere. There is a part of me that wants to say "Whew, Made It Through That". That is more often a feeling at the end of winter. I love this time of year, it is like every year I am taken in again, fooled again into believing these sunny days and nice cool nights will be with us for a while, all the time knowing that around the next couple of corners lay snow, blowing snow, freezing snow, every kind of snow you can imagine we get here and we get it in abundance, But right now I am enjoying the riot of colour and the warm days and cool nights, even while knowing all the while what is coming. There is still a lot of colour from my daughter's gardens, although the Morning Glory's no longer open and face the sun in the morning, other hardier plants are still looming in gardens and on our deck.
We are normally a hardy bunch here and the autumn seems to be bringing with it some health problems for the more senior members of our large tribe. At almost 76 years old that would include me, but as of now aside from suffering with my knees, my health remains good. On the 26th of August I quit smoking, so I have just over a month in. This is it for me. I was beginning to notice things like getting of breath all of the time, which is exacerbated by the weight problem. I used that excuse for so long not to quit smoking. Finally I stood in front of a mirror nude, do you have any idea the amount of courage that takes?, anyway I did and said to myself "you are already fat, so this is the best time in the world to quit smoking" and I did. I don't like ridged plans or schedules, for me something flexible always works better; thus I am not doing anything stupid like dieting or weighing myself until at least spring. One thing at a time and this fall and winter are dedicated to not smoking.
It is not my health that I meant to discuss here. Dennis, my son in law, has the health problems in his family right now. Dennis's Mother, Molly discovered a mass in her breast. She has already had one operation and another is scheduled for 2nd of October. To really complicate things, Molly's mother Hilda is 103 and still alive. Hilda enjoys quite good health for someone that age. The thing is Hilda is ready to go, she is more than ready and has told everyone so. Hilda has already lost 2 of her 4 children to cancer and she feels she can't and won't do this again. I am with her ENOUGH already.
Hilda also needs some care, at 103 her vision is gone, she needs the basic help any person over 100 needs. Tami, my daughter id going to kitchener, about a 2 hour drive from here, on October 1st so she will be the primary caregiver to Molly and Hilda when Molly gets out of hospital on the 2nd of October. This kind of shifts things around here. I will take on some of the things Tami does and Jon my 18 year old grandson will help. Dennis is working in Alberta and is away working for 2 weeks, then flies home for a week. We will all do our part and do the best we can.
Tami and Dennis celebrated their birthdays the first week in September and I had a painting of this home commissioned by an artist. The picture was taken last Christmas and I am going to get Jonathon to show me how to put the picture on my blog, so next blog will come with picture.
We are normally a hardy bunch here and the autumn seems to be bringing with it some health problems for the more senior members of our large tribe. At almost 76 years old that would include me, but as of now aside from suffering with my knees, my health remains good. On the 26th of August I quit smoking, so I have just over a month in. This is it for me. I was beginning to notice things like getting of breath all of the time, which is exacerbated by the weight problem. I used that excuse for so long not to quit smoking. Finally I stood in front of a mirror nude, do you have any idea the amount of courage that takes?, anyway I did and said to myself "you are already fat, so this is the best time in the world to quit smoking" and I did. I don't like ridged plans or schedules, for me something flexible always works better; thus I am not doing anything stupid like dieting or weighing myself until at least spring. One thing at a time and this fall and winter are dedicated to not smoking.
It is not my health that I meant to discuss here. Dennis, my son in law, has the health problems in his family right now. Dennis's Mother, Molly discovered a mass in her breast. She has already had one operation and another is scheduled for 2nd of October. To really complicate things, Molly's mother Hilda is 103 and still alive. Hilda enjoys quite good health for someone that age. The thing is Hilda is ready to go, she is more than ready and has told everyone so. Hilda has already lost 2 of her 4 children to cancer and she feels she can't and won't do this again. I am with her ENOUGH already.
Hilda also needs some care, at 103 her vision is gone, she needs the basic help any person over 100 needs. Tami, my daughter id going to kitchener, about a 2 hour drive from here, on October 1st so she will be the primary caregiver to Molly and Hilda when Molly gets out of hospital on the 2nd of October. This kind of shifts things around here. I will take on some of the things Tami does and Jon my 18 year old grandson will help. Dennis is working in Alberta and is away working for 2 weeks, then flies home for a week. We will all do our part and do the best we can.
Tami and Dennis celebrated their birthdays the first week in September and I had a painting of this home commissioned by an artist. The picture was taken last Christmas and I am going to get Jonathon to show me how to put the picture on my blog, so next blog will come with picture.
Friday, August 15, 2014
July and Half Of August
It seems the longer I put off blogging the harder it becomes. So many things happen, I think I should blog about, (I KNOW I should blog about them) but I don't; then I almost become uncomfortable, apprehensive, who I am kidding, I feel fear to start again. It is liking losing touch with a loved one, more and more time goes by and it gets harder and harder to make that call. I really blog for myself and except for 2 or 3 people that I know read it no one probably even reads it,
Babies have been born in my family, others celebrated their 4th and 2nd and 5th birthday/ My son has turned 54 and my daughter will celebrate her 53rd birthday soon, New pets have joined our household, one a cat named Bert was killed on the road. Ernie, his brother is still with us. Bert has been replaced by Jeepers, a tiny scrap of baby kitty whom we didn't think would live thru the day when we rescued him, Today he running around the house, jumping, tumbling and doing baby kitty things bringing joy only infant animals, baby humans included can do.
There has been good news, my daughter is finished working nights and has a line on an interesting job, my youngest grandson has a good paying summer job, with which he is paying off the loan given him after the accident. People have died, some we know, some we didn;t like Robin Williams. I am sure over the summer people around me have fought to hangon and some people have fought to let go. I have tried to make decisions that other see as black and white and I see as many shades of grey. I am not nearly as sure of things at 75 as I was at 35, I see this as a good thing, possibly others see it as my floundering to make up my mind and being indecisive.
We had baby chicks this year. I think we got them in mid May and they buthchered a week or two ago. Those tiny yellow chicks wieghed just a few ounces and are 5 pound chickens in our freezer now. As for the weather, this was my kind of summer........cool. Many missed the extreme heat, not me, heat is hard on me, always has been, I am carrying about 50 lbs of extra weight. My knees hurt all the time, making excersizing painful, making weight loss almost impossible. I seem to go round and round with this problem, I have almost made peace with myself and this issue. I will be 76 years old this November and I want to enjoy these years and food is something I enjoy,
I have attended many of my12 step meeting groups, as the roads are good, I have nurtured and cared for my friends in this group and they have loved and comforted me back. As in any group many new people are coming for help, some will stay and get their health and life bacl. Unfortunately others will not stay, possibly I will see them around the tables in a year or so, maybe not....... inevitably some will die. I give what I can and do what I can. I enjoy life as it continues around me.
August 15th, 2012.............8:45 p.m.
Babies have been born in my family, others celebrated their 4th and 2nd and 5th birthday/ My son has turned 54 and my daughter will celebrate her 53rd birthday soon, New pets have joined our household, one a cat named Bert was killed on the road. Ernie, his brother is still with us. Bert has been replaced by Jeepers, a tiny scrap of baby kitty whom we didn't think would live thru the day when we rescued him, Today he running around the house, jumping, tumbling and doing baby kitty things bringing joy only infant animals, baby humans included can do.
There has been good news, my daughter is finished working nights and has a line on an interesting job, my youngest grandson has a good paying summer job, with which he is paying off the loan given him after the accident. People have died, some we know, some we didn;t like Robin Williams. I am sure over the summer people around me have fought to hangon and some people have fought to let go. I have tried to make decisions that other see as black and white and I see as many shades of grey. I am not nearly as sure of things at 75 as I was at 35, I see this as a good thing, possibly others see it as my floundering to make up my mind and being indecisive.
We had baby chicks this year. I think we got them in mid May and they buthchered a week or two ago. Those tiny yellow chicks wieghed just a few ounces and are 5 pound chickens in our freezer now. As for the weather, this was my kind of summer........cool. Many missed the extreme heat, not me, heat is hard on me, always has been, I am carrying about 50 lbs of extra weight. My knees hurt all the time, making excersizing painful, making weight loss almost impossible. I seem to go round and round with this problem, I have almost made peace with myself and this issue. I will be 76 years old this November and I want to enjoy these years and food is something I enjoy,
I have attended many of my12 step meeting groups, as the roads are good, I have nurtured and cared for my friends in this group and they have loved and comforted me back. As in any group many new people are coming for help, some will stay and get their health and life bacl. Unfortunately others will not stay, possibly I will see them around the tables in a year or so, maybe not....... inevitably some will die. I give what I can and do what I can. I enjoy life as it continues around me.
August 15th, 2012.............8:45 p.m.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Grandma Love
Yesterday my Grandson Jonathon was in his first accident as a new driver. I feel the need to write about my relationship with Jonathon as well as the accident.
Approx 19 years ago when my daughter told me she wanted another child I was less than thrilled. And for selfish reasons. Tami, my daughter is my baby and she had two sons; James was 13 and Charles was 12 at the time. I was hoping that now that boys were reaching their teens she would have more time to spend with me. We lived hours away from each oher and we were both working fulltime and were lucky to get together 2 or 3 times a year. I was hoping that would change as her boys became the age they were. I didn't say that of course even though I thought it. Sure enough the next time I heard from Tami she was pregnant. She was 34 years old, which I think is young, and her pregnancy was monitered pretty closely.On April 7th, 1996 Jonathon was born. It was Easter Sunday and through circumstances unplanned by me I was at the Hospital for the birth, My fiance Paul was with me, he was was stage 4 of colon cancer at the time.
Jonathon was a little bit early and a little under 5 lbs. He was also breach and a difficult labour. Because Tami had an epideral and was kept in recovery a little longer a nurse brought out Jonathon. He was naked except for a towel. For some reason the nurse assumed my fiance was the grandpa and put the bay in Pauls arms. This was the first time in his life that Paul had held a newborn and he was really nervous as well as overwhelmed by this less than 5 lb piece of brand new humanity. Paul had a daughter but because of his work she was weeks old before he saw her. I looked at him with this naked little boy in his arms and felt pretty overwhelmed myself.
Jonathon looked so much like my daughter when she was brand new. He even had the same fringe of red hair around his head, and like his Mother that fringe of new penny copper hair came out in a few weeks and platinum blond hair came in. O.K. enough remenicing about my baby and her baby.
When Jonathon was 12 in 2008 my job was abrupted ended with the Ministy of Health. I was shocked, hurt and felt a lot of betrayal. I had my own little mini crisis and Tami came to me because she was concerned. A month or so later she asked me to come here. I accepted, still is shock and emotional pain. The plan was that I stay for a couple of weeks. That was over 6years ago.
During these 6 years I have watched Jonathon turn from a little boy into a young man. What a privledge and a joy that has been. With my own children I was so busy, first mothering, then working, going to school and mothering, that I missed the little nuances that brings a child into adulthood. Being the baby of the family Jonathon was allowed, perhaps even encouraged to remain a little boy much longer than his brothers, My daughter and her husband Dennis are exceptable parents, in my opinion.
About a month ago Jonathon had another rite of passage, he became a licsened driver. He had been driving the tractor and other recreational since he was about 10. Jonathon works part time as well as finishing his last year of high school. Because his dad works in Saskatchewan. Jon was allowed to drive his dads truck to work and back. Before his dad left for out west this time he had a long man to man talk with Jon and promised to be very careful with the truck. Yesterday at about 4p.m. the phone rang and it was Jon's voice I heard. He was crying and almost hysterical. I just asked him where he was and got in my car and went to him. There was police cruiser parked in front of the address and the truck Jon was driving beside it, also a large red van with a dent in the passenger rear side. I got out of my car as quickly as my old knees allowed and went to Jon, who was sobbing and shaking, I just held in my arms as he sobbed "I promised dad I would be careful" over and over and I just held him tighter. The police officer was a woman and the person driving the van was a woman who two sons of her own aged 20 and 22. These two women looked at Jon like they wanted to hug him too. Insurance information was exchanged. The woman police officer and the lady with the van talked with me and it was agreed that she would not contact her Insurance but instead take her car into a repair shop and get an estimate that we could and did decide to pay ourselves. Jon will pay for this through weekly payments.
It was a stressful but loving day. The two women had such compassion for Jon and I think for me.
It felt like everyone involved was doing their best to help this man/child. And I knew my job as a "Grandma" was just to hold this child and reassure him, then help him find a way to deal with it.
THAT IS GRANDMA LOVE,
Approx 19 years ago when my daughter told me she wanted another child I was less than thrilled. And for selfish reasons. Tami, my daughter is my baby and she had two sons; James was 13 and Charles was 12 at the time. I was hoping that now that boys were reaching their teens she would have more time to spend with me. We lived hours away from each oher and we were both working fulltime and were lucky to get together 2 or 3 times a year. I was hoping that would change as her boys became the age they were. I didn't say that of course even though I thought it. Sure enough the next time I heard from Tami she was pregnant. She was 34 years old, which I think is young, and her pregnancy was monitered pretty closely.On April 7th, 1996 Jonathon was born. It was Easter Sunday and through circumstances unplanned by me I was at the Hospital for the birth, My fiance Paul was with me, he was was stage 4 of colon cancer at the time.
Jonathon was a little bit early and a little under 5 lbs. He was also breach and a difficult labour. Because Tami had an epideral and was kept in recovery a little longer a nurse brought out Jonathon. He was naked except for a towel. For some reason the nurse assumed my fiance was the grandpa and put the bay in Pauls arms. This was the first time in his life that Paul had held a newborn and he was really nervous as well as overwhelmed by this less than 5 lb piece of brand new humanity. Paul had a daughter but because of his work she was weeks old before he saw her. I looked at him with this naked little boy in his arms and felt pretty overwhelmed myself.
Jonathon looked so much like my daughter when she was brand new. He even had the same fringe of red hair around his head, and like his Mother that fringe of new penny copper hair came out in a few weeks and platinum blond hair came in. O.K. enough remenicing about my baby and her baby.
When Jonathon was 12 in 2008 my job was abrupted ended with the Ministy of Health. I was shocked, hurt and felt a lot of betrayal. I had my own little mini crisis and Tami came to me because she was concerned. A month or so later she asked me to come here. I accepted, still is shock and emotional pain. The plan was that I stay for a couple of weeks. That was over 6years ago.
During these 6 years I have watched Jonathon turn from a little boy into a young man. What a privledge and a joy that has been. With my own children I was so busy, first mothering, then working, going to school and mothering, that I missed the little nuances that brings a child into adulthood. Being the baby of the family Jonathon was allowed, perhaps even encouraged to remain a little boy much longer than his brothers, My daughter and her husband Dennis are exceptable parents, in my opinion.
About a month ago Jonathon had another rite of passage, he became a licsened driver. He had been driving the tractor and other recreational since he was about 10. Jonathon works part time as well as finishing his last year of high school. Because his dad works in Saskatchewan. Jon was allowed to drive his dads truck to work and back. Before his dad left for out west this time he had a long man to man talk with Jon and promised to be very careful with the truck. Yesterday at about 4p.m. the phone rang and it was Jon's voice I heard. He was crying and almost hysterical. I just asked him where he was and got in my car and went to him. There was police cruiser parked in front of the address and the truck Jon was driving beside it, also a large red van with a dent in the passenger rear side. I got out of my car as quickly as my old knees allowed and went to Jon, who was sobbing and shaking, I just held in my arms as he sobbed "I promised dad I would be careful" over and over and I just held him tighter. The police officer was a woman and the person driving the van was a woman who two sons of her own aged 20 and 22. These two women looked at Jon like they wanted to hug him too. Insurance information was exchanged. The woman police officer and the lady with the van talked with me and it was agreed that she would not contact her Insurance but instead take her car into a repair shop and get an estimate that we could and did decide to pay ourselves. Jon will pay for this through weekly payments.
It was a stressful but loving day. The two women had such compassion for Jon and I think for me.
It felt like everyone involved was doing their best to help this man/child. And I knew my job as a "Grandma" was just to hold this child and reassure him, then help him find a way to deal with it.
THAT IS GRANDMA LOVE,
Monday, May 19, 2014
Mother
We've had our differences over the years
Due to circumstance, youth and fears
But through it all
We've persevered.
You mothered, as best you could
I resisted as children would.
For many years we stayed apart
Listening not to the heart.
But deep inside for all those years
A call was ringing in my years.
A pull that drew me in the end
To discover you as friend.
For all you did and all you do
Mother, I give thanks to you.
As friends we stand on level ground
So many things in common found.
But most of all, both first and last
We have learned from the past.
Learned that love has many forms
Life is not comprised of norms.
A Mother doesn't just give birth
This is not the task of worth.
A Mother works, laughs and cries
Reflects your value in her eyes.
She waits and waits and waits some more
Always at that open door.
Now we are as we should be,
Mother and Daughter
You and Me.
Happy Mother's Day
Love Linda
Mother's Day 1997
After almost 40 years of coming into each others lives. Through hurt and fear and tears, my daughter and I found the courage to overcome all of these and we came to recognize how much we valued each other.
Monday, May 19th, 2014................9:15p.m.
Due to circumstance, youth and fears
But through it all
We've persevered.
You mothered, as best you could
I resisted as children would.
For many years we stayed apart
Listening not to the heart.
But deep inside for all those years
A call was ringing in my years.
A pull that drew me in the end
To discover you as friend.
For all you did and all you do
Mother, I give thanks to you.
As friends we stand on level ground
So many things in common found.
But most of all, both first and last
We have learned from the past.
Learned that love has many forms
Life is not comprised of norms.
A Mother doesn't just give birth
This is not the task of worth.
A Mother works, laughs and cries
Reflects your value in her eyes.
She waits and waits and waits some more
Always at that open door.
Now we are as we should be,
Mother and Daughter
You and Me.
Happy Mother's Day
Love Linda
Mother's Day 1997
After almost 40 years of coming into each others lives. Through hurt and fear and tears, my daughter and I found the courage to overcome all of these and we came to recognize how much we valued each other.
Monday, May 19th, 2014................9:15p.m.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
An Ending, A Beginning, Easter And Finally Spring
On April 11, 2014 my long time friend James Richard McKeown died. Jim had been in my life for 37 years. He offered me a safe harbour during a very stormy time in my life, Cottage 29 at Edgewater Beach in Haliburton. He was a grounds keeper and Jack of all trades at this establishment. I was running, I just realized how often I use that term "running, I spent a lot of years from my teens to about 40 years old running, this time from an abusive relationship with someone in Hamilton as well as an extremely abusive affair with substance abuse. Jim became my friend, for a while my lover, as well as a substitute Father to my young adult children, particularly my 15 year old daughter, who I live with today. Jim, somehow I hope you know you know the words that my children spoke, wrote, felt, when they learned of your death.
On April 18th, one week later my latest great grandchild was born. His name is Jeremy Rush MacCharles. It probably is a fantasy, but wouldn't it be wonderful if part of Jim's soul resided in that baby. I have four children and from them 13 biological grandchildren. From these 13 grandchildren I have 9 biological great grandchildren. This is not counting children from my second marriage, my stepchildren. a term I don't like and very seldom use anymore. They are all my children and their children are my grandchildren. I have a Mother's Day Card sitting on my computer desk from Linda, the youngest of my step children. For years now we have been Mother and Daughter. Perhaps in my next post I will post her poem to me from years ago. This poem means so much to me that I keep it where I see it anytime.
Then it was Easter. A busy time, not so much for me but for my family. they were off to spend Good Friday with Dennis's Mother and Grandmother. This lady, the grandmother, had her 102nd birthday in April. We had Easter Dinner here at home, turkey, gravey stuffing and all the stuff that goes into a family dinner. During April my Grandson James, named for the now deceased Jim, turned 31 on April the 13th, my granddaughter Laura also turned 30 and my youngest grandchild turned 18 on the 7th. An eventful month, filled with lots of love and some loss, And today May the 7th is my Grand Daughter in law s birthday as well as my Grandson "Rusty Roy, My Darling Boy" 30th birthday. His birthday always signifies springs beginning for me.
On April 18th, one week later my latest great grandchild was born. His name is Jeremy Rush MacCharles. It probably is a fantasy, but wouldn't it be wonderful if part of Jim's soul resided in that baby. I have four children and from them 13 biological grandchildren. From these 13 grandchildren I have 9 biological great grandchildren. This is not counting children from my second marriage, my stepchildren. a term I don't like and very seldom use anymore. They are all my children and their children are my grandchildren. I have a Mother's Day Card sitting on my computer desk from Linda, the youngest of my step children. For years now we have been Mother and Daughter. Perhaps in my next post I will post her poem to me from years ago. This poem means so much to me that I keep it where I see it anytime.
Then it was Easter. A busy time, not so much for me but for my family. they were off to spend Good Friday with Dennis's Mother and Grandmother. This lady, the grandmother, had her 102nd birthday in April. We had Easter Dinner here at home, turkey, gravey stuffing and all the stuff that goes into a family dinner. During April my Grandson James, named for the now deceased Jim, turned 31 on April the 13th, my granddaughter Laura also turned 30 and my youngest grandchild turned 18 on the 7th. An eventful month, filled with lots of love and some loss, And today May the 7th is my Grand Daughter in law s birthday as well as my Grandson "Rusty Roy, My Darling Boy" 30th birthday. His birthday always signifies springs beginning for me.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Judith Ann MacCharles
I was 19 years old when I met Judy and she was 9. I was running away from my first marriage. I had my 3 year old son and my 18 month old daughter with me. Judy's father was looking, rather desperately. for someone to look after 3 daughters. His wife had died some months earlier of a kidney disease, that today could have treated and possibly cured.
I believe we quickly decided that we were each others answer; mine for a safe place to raise my 2 children and him for a woman who would look after his 3 daughters. Besides Judy there was Sharon 11 years old and Linda, his baby I believe was 6. Within a year we were married and in the next 2 years there were 2 more babies. When I was 22 years old I had 7 children ranging in age from 14 to newborn. I didn't find those years particularly difficult; when you are 22 years old you believe you can do anything, at least I did. The one thing I do remember is doing laundry, always doing laundry, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.
When Judy was 14 and I was 24 she started her first year of high school. This was when the trouble started. She did not adjust to high school, She did not want to go. We went through months of pleading, begging and demanding she go. Eventually her mood changed and instead of arguing or saying she was sick, she would just stay in her bed, hardly ever getting out and she cried a lot. I took her our family Dr., who told me it was a teen age phase. This man had never really approved of my marriage to a man 14 years older than myself and having 2 babies in 2 years. I was his first patient on birth control in 1961. He was probably right, 7 children at age 22 was probably enough.
After our trip home from the Dr. I thought "well, maybe he is right, what do I know about teenagers, I had just finished being a teenager myself. Judy continued staying in her bed and crying for a couple of months after that. Then, one beautiful evening in May, when the beautiful bridal wreath (Spirea I think) was blooming, as well as some lovely yellow flowers on some bushes we had in the yard, I sent my eldest child, Michael who was 8 years old at the time, upstairs to bring a blanket down. He found Judy hanging from a beam in our unfinished upstairs loft. He called for me and I raced up the stairs. I lifted her body and it sounded like she breathed, but she didn't. Her body was already cold.
Judy was dead. This beautiful young woman was gone. Nature is sometimes kind. I don't remember the next couple of days or much about her funeral. What I do remember is feeling afraid and guilty, very, very guilty. I waited for weeks for the police to come back and arrest me for letting this girl die. I was supposed to be the Mother and she had died, it had to be somebody's fault, It had to be my fault.
In the years that followed I would learn more about depression than I ever wanted to know, as I exprienced it myself, including a clinical depression that I should have been hospitalized for. I know now what I didn't know then. That I should have just hugged that girl and to hell with forcing her to go to school. That instead instead of nagging and threatening her, I should have held her and told her I loved her and everything would be Okay. Maybe that wouldn't have worked ut then again maybe it would have.
Next month it will be 50 years since this happened and I will drive by a house where the bushes with the white flowers and yellow flowers grow and I will remember Judy, like I have for the past 49 years.
Monday, April7th, 2014.......9:48p.m.
I believe we quickly decided that we were each others answer; mine for a safe place to raise my 2 children and him for a woman who would look after his 3 daughters. Besides Judy there was Sharon 11 years old and Linda, his baby I believe was 6. Within a year we were married and in the next 2 years there were 2 more babies. When I was 22 years old I had 7 children ranging in age from 14 to newborn. I didn't find those years particularly difficult; when you are 22 years old you believe you can do anything, at least I did. The one thing I do remember is doing laundry, always doing laundry, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.
When Judy was 14 and I was 24 she started her first year of high school. This was when the trouble started. She did not adjust to high school, She did not want to go. We went through months of pleading, begging and demanding she go. Eventually her mood changed and instead of arguing or saying she was sick, she would just stay in her bed, hardly ever getting out and she cried a lot. I took her our family Dr., who told me it was a teen age phase. This man had never really approved of my marriage to a man 14 years older than myself and having 2 babies in 2 years. I was his first patient on birth control in 1961. He was probably right, 7 children at age 22 was probably enough.
After our trip home from the Dr. I thought "well, maybe he is right, what do I know about teenagers, I had just finished being a teenager myself. Judy continued staying in her bed and crying for a couple of months after that. Then, one beautiful evening in May, when the beautiful bridal wreath (Spirea I think) was blooming, as well as some lovely yellow flowers on some bushes we had in the yard, I sent my eldest child, Michael who was 8 years old at the time, upstairs to bring a blanket down. He found Judy hanging from a beam in our unfinished upstairs loft. He called for me and I raced up the stairs. I lifted her body and it sounded like she breathed, but she didn't. Her body was already cold.
Judy was dead. This beautiful young woman was gone. Nature is sometimes kind. I don't remember the next couple of days or much about her funeral. What I do remember is feeling afraid and guilty, very, very guilty. I waited for weeks for the police to come back and arrest me for letting this girl die. I was supposed to be the Mother and she had died, it had to be somebody's fault, It had to be my fault.
In the years that followed I would learn more about depression than I ever wanted to know, as I exprienced it myself, including a clinical depression that I should have been hospitalized for. I know now what I didn't know then. That I should have just hugged that girl and to hell with forcing her to go to school. That instead instead of nagging and threatening her, I should have held her and told her I loved her and everything would be Okay. Maybe that wouldn't have worked ut then again maybe it would have.
Next month it will be 50 years since this happened and I will drive by a house where the bushes with the white flowers and yellow flowers grow and I will remember Judy, like I have for the past 49 years.
Monday, April7th, 2014.......9:48p.m.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
February Blog
I spent almost all of February pet/house sitting for a friend, while her husband had bowel surgery. Their house is only a 15 minute drive from home, however, in February in Bruce County, where I live, that is a long way. Our winter has been hard even for a Bruce County winter. When I moved in with my daughter and her family I decided that I wasn't ready for full retirement and started a small business looking after people's homes and pets while they were away. This wasn't to augment my income as much as to give me a purpose, something to do and feel good about.
I constantly surprise myself at how chameleon I am. Within 24 hours of moving into someone else's home I feel comfortable and change my routine to fit the dogs, cats or whatever and the motion of the house. Houses have motions and they are all different. The way the furnace or air conditioning clicks in and the fridge runs, what time the water softener back washes as well as the special creaks and moans from heat, cold, or wind.
Also when I am alone with just the pets and plants and all is quiet my minds slides back into the past and memories from the past flood me, memories that are much easier to push back down or smother when I am in my home with the comings and goings of all of our household.
Part the memories that kept appearing the past 3 weeks included the suicide of my step daughter when she was 15 and I was 25 years old. I decided while I was away that this was something I needed to blog about and I will, probably in my next blog. Some scars never really heal and sometimes not looking at them is more difficult than finding the courage to let the light in and reexamining the event and the feelings squished so tightly around around them and over them.
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014.....8:06p.m.
I constantly surprise myself at how chameleon I am. Within 24 hours of moving into someone else's home I feel comfortable and change my routine to fit the dogs, cats or whatever and the motion of the house. Houses have motions and they are all different. The way the furnace or air conditioning clicks in and the fridge runs, what time the water softener back washes as well as the special creaks and moans from heat, cold, or wind.
Also when I am alone with just the pets and plants and all is quiet my minds slides back into the past and memories from the past flood me, memories that are much easier to push back down or smother when I am in my home with the comings and goings of all of our household.
Part the memories that kept appearing the past 3 weeks included the suicide of my step daughter when she was 15 and I was 25 years old. I decided while I was away that this was something I needed to blog about and I will, probably in my next blog. Some scars never really heal and sometimes not looking at them is more difficult than finding the courage to let the light in and reexamining the event and the feelings squished so tightly around around them and over them.
Wednesday, February 26th, 2014.....8:06p.m.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
January, 2014
Wow, what a month. I don't think I have been out of the house for more than 3 times this entire month. Where we live it is known as snow country, however, this month has exceeded anything we could have expected. As a result I have spent almost all of my time in my favorite housecoat. It is pink and fleecy and fluffy and warm. So except for showers and laundry it has been my apparel of choice all month.
We have one real concern. We heat by propane and the tank is getting low. There is no way in hell that a propane truck could get through our quarter mile snow drifted driveway. We have backup electric heat in the upstairs bedrooms and Dennis, my son in law, has purchased small electric plug in heaters for the downstairs. We also cook with propane so running out of propane could be a real problem.
As for me the month has passed in a kind of haze. There is plenty of reading material, Thank God, and I spend a lot of time reading and sleeping. I think this is probably how our ancestors, in the cave man days made it through winters. In an almost dormant state our metabolism is lowered so we don't need as much food and sleeping through this weather isn't really a bad idea. I didn't want the month of January to pass without a post. Now I have done that it is back to bed with a book. Talk to you again next month.
Thursday, January 30th, 2014..........4:31p.m.
We have one real concern. We heat by propane and the tank is getting low. There is no way in hell that a propane truck could get through our quarter mile snow drifted driveway. We have backup electric heat in the upstairs bedrooms and Dennis, my son in law, has purchased small electric plug in heaters for the downstairs. We also cook with propane so running out of propane could be a real problem.
As for me the month has passed in a kind of haze. There is plenty of reading material, Thank God, and I spend a lot of time reading and sleeping. I think this is probably how our ancestors, in the cave man days made it through winters. In an almost dormant state our metabolism is lowered so we don't need as much food and sleeping through this weather isn't really a bad idea. I didn't want the month of January to pass without a post. Now I have done that it is back to bed with a book. Talk to you again next month.
Thursday, January 30th, 2014..........4:31p.m.
Monday, December 23, 2013
At Our House Two Days Before Christmas
Today is the day before the day before Christmas and our house is a little fuller and a little messier than usual. Our house never looks immaculate, thank God, I am very uncomfortable in houses that look like they are either material for a magazine or ready for showing by a real estate agent. I always feel the word "house" applys to them, not the word "home".
Our home seems to bursting at the seams right now. Besides the usual Christmas stuff, wrapped gifts, hidden garbage bags in closets, a frozen turkey in the sink and a bowl of torn up bread pieces, smelling like sage, on the cupboard and for some reason extra library books piled on and around my computer desk. The extra books are my fault. I have an irrational fear of running out of reading material, thus the many, many books.
We have four more souls living our home right now. We have two kittens, both male. Both are white, one has a few black spots and the other a few orange spots. Jon, my grandson, called one Spartan and the other Titan. But to me they are Bert and Ernie, black and white Bert and orange and white Ernie. I had forgotten how entertaining kittens were and we are enjoying them immensely. We also have a friend of the family Tara and her cat Gus.
Tara and Gus will be staying with us for the winter, while she gets some things in her life straightened out. He cat Gus is an interesting story. He is about 6 years old and is hydro cephalic, meaning he was born with water on the brain. Gus is amazingly self sufficient considering his disability but he does require some extra protection from the other pets. The fact that Tara has a hydro cephalic cat tells you a lot about her. We do this fairly often, taking in someone who needs a safe, warm and loving home, while they heal.
Our home seems to expand and then go back to its normal size when these people move on, yet they always stay a part of our family. This is update of our home and family two days before Christmas. If I don't get back to you and my blog before the end of the year; I sincerely wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year.
Monday, December 23rd, 2013................1:14p.m.
Our home seems to bursting at the seams right now. Besides the usual Christmas stuff, wrapped gifts, hidden garbage bags in closets, a frozen turkey in the sink and a bowl of torn up bread pieces, smelling like sage, on the cupboard and for some reason extra library books piled on and around my computer desk. The extra books are my fault. I have an irrational fear of running out of reading material, thus the many, many books.
We have four more souls living our home right now. We have two kittens, both male. Both are white, one has a few black spots and the other a few orange spots. Jon, my grandson, called one Spartan and the other Titan. But to me they are Bert and Ernie, black and white Bert and orange and white Ernie. I had forgotten how entertaining kittens were and we are enjoying them immensely. We also have a friend of the family Tara and her cat Gus.
Tara and Gus will be staying with us for the winter, while she gets some things in her life straightened out. He cat Gus is an interesting story. He is about 6 years old and is hydro cephalic, meaning he was born with water on the brain. Gus is amazingly self sufficient considering his disability but he does require some extra protection from the other pets. The fact that Tara has a hydro cephalic cat tells you a lot about her. We do this fairly often, taking in someone who needs a safe, warm and loving home, while they heal.
Our home seems to expand and then go back to its normal size when these people move on, yet they always stay a part of our family. This is update of our home and family two days before Christmas. If I don't get back to you and my blog before the end of the year; I sincerely wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year.
Monday, December 23rd, 2013................1:14p.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
"When We Talk To God It Is Called Prayer. When God Talks To Us It Is Called Paranoid Schitzophrenia"
I am not sure who to attribute this quote to. As usual I heard these words on my car radio, while driving into town. I am really grateful for the CBC radio, most of my topics come from listening to that station. I do know that the statement is true. I worked in the Mental Health sector for a long time and the idea of you talking to God "prayer" was usually thought to be a good thing. It seemed to encouraged, even applauded. But if you came to therapy and said that God talked to you, you were usually prescribed an antipsycotic drug and quite a few sessions with a therapist or psychiatrist. Hopefully the drugs and therapy worked and you stopped hearing from God.
Is it just me or is this just a little bit silly? Personally I have never been able to nail down the God thing. But if there is one I would hope that His/Her talking to me wouldn't call for drugs or rubber rooms. Just saying.
Thursday, December 12th, 2013............1:15p.m.
Is it just me or is this just a little bit silly? Personally I have never been able to nail down the God thing. But if there is one I would hope that His/Her talking to me wouldn't call for drugs or rubber rooms. Just saying.
Thursday, December 12th, 2013............1:15p.m.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
My 75th Birthday
Was wonderful, exciting, surprising, loving, happy and so many more adjectives I could add. My birthday is November 7th and seeing as it was my 75th, I kind of expected some little family party. I was very surprised however when I drove into the long driveway on November 2nd and saw balloons tied to the mailbox and even more surprised as I drove up the lane way to see so many cars. The 2nd was a Saturday, and as usual Saturdays at noon I attend one of my 12 Step Programs. I left the house at about 11:30a.m. and returned close to 2p.m. My daughter, who works long hours at night, had spent days earlier making and freezing so much food and during the 2 hours I was away she had decorated our home for my birthday.
There were family, my first born from Hamilton with his wife and two of my granddaughters, my oldest daughter from London, without her wife, who was looking after new puppy at home and of course my baby girl. There were also some of my friends I have made since I moved here a little over 5 years ago. I am surprised at the amount of friends I have made in 5 years. I don't consider myself a very out going person. Yet as I looked around the house at my family and friends I once again counted my blessings. This would have been perfect if my youngest son and my son in law could have been here,. Both were working;Rusty, my youngest son, out of town and Dennis, my favorite son in law and person was working out of the Province, but I heard from both of them.
I am grateful to have lived 75 years and at the end of that time to be surrounded by loving family and friends. I want to say Thank You to everyone who attended and especially to my daughter who nurtures and loves everyone and everything, even when she is so tired. It is so appreciated Tami.
Tuesday, November 19th, 2013...........11:44p.m.
There were family, my first born from Hamilton with his wife and two of my granddaughters, my oldest daughter from London, without her wife, who was looking after new puppy at home and of course my baby girl. There were also some of my friends I have made since I moved here a little over 5 years ago. I am surprised at the amount of friends I have made in 5 years. I don't consider myself a very out going person. Yet as I looked around the house at my family and friends I once again counted my blessings. This would have been perfect if my youngest son and my son in law could have been here,. Both were working;Rusty, my youngest son, out of town and Dennis, my favorite son in law and person was working out of the Province, but I heard from both of them.
I am grateful to have lived 75 years and at the end of that time to be surrounded by loving family and friends. I want to say Thank You to everyone who attended and especially to my daughter who nurtures and loves everyone and everything, even when she is so tired. It is so appreciated Tami.
Tuesday, November 19th, 2013...........11:44p.m.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Places And Spaces
"Places suggest security and spaces suggest freedom" I am not sure that is the exact quote by Taun, but it is close. These are words I first heard on CBC, then came home and looked up the quote on my computer. Then, as the process always goes with me, the words roll around in my mind until I regurgitate them in writing, usually in this blog,
For me the words definitely have a strong ring of truth. Certain places, especially the place that is home to me now, definitely equates security. I can think of two other places where I work, petsitting and housesitting, where I feel comfortable and secure almost immediately upon entering. Libraries are places of pleasure and security to me. I can get almost giddy when entering a library or a used book store. For whatever reason new book stores don't have that effect on me. New book stores are to clean and tidy. I am not against cleanliness or tidiness but libraries and used bookstore always have a little dust around and are not always the tidiest places I have been.
Spaces suggest freedom. For me freedom and spaces can be scary places. I am most able to explore them when I am coming from a place of security. I have in my life set out for places that were hundreds or even thousands of miles away from home. Almost always these places were work related. And I have to admit that it can be fun. In the early 1970s I went to work in Thompson, Manitoba. When I first arrived I did not know one person, not even the persons who met me at the airport. I made a decision then that I had never made before or since, I could and would completely give myself a new identity. I would be confident rather than shy, I would be happy rather than apprehensive, I would be a woman of the world rather than the scared child/woman who really lived in my body.
This was a strange experiment for me. And it worked. I became what I pretended to be, until it didn't feel like pretending anymore. I opened a sales division like it was something I had done many times before, when in fact it was the first time I had ever done it. I came to be able to give direction to salespeople and they listened to me. Everyone that I came to know their considered me to be a strong, knowledgeable woman and eventually even I believed it. it was a wonderful experience although I can remember thinking "someone is going to find out that I am not this strong, experienced person that I seem to be. That didn't happen. I left after the year's contact was up and my secret was never found out.
I guess to sum up my take on this quote: If I am coming from a place of security and love I can take on the spaces out there.
October is ending, the morning glories and most of the other plants on and around the deck are frost bitten. The days are getting shorter and the nights longer. I am in a warm, loving secure place and I am even looking forward to the winterness that will soon be upon us.
Tuesday, October 29th, 2013................8:27p.m.
For me the words definitely have a strong ring of truth. Certain places, especially the place that is home to me now, definitely equates security. I can think of two other places where I work, petsitting and housesitting, where I feel comfortable and secure almost immediately upon entering. Libraries are places of pleasure and security to me. I can get almost giddy when entering a library or a used book store. For whatever reason new book stores don't have that effect on me. New book stores are to clean and tidy. I am not against cleanliness or tidiness but libraries and used bookstore always have a little dust around and are not always the tidiest places I have been.
Spaces suggest freedom. For me freedom and spaces can be scary places. I am most able to explore them when I am coming from a place of security. I have in my life set out for places that were hundreds or even thousands of miles away from home. Almost always these places were work related. And I have to admit that it can be fun. In the early 1970s I went to work in Thompson, Manitoba. When I first arrived I did not know one person, not even the persons who met me at the airport. I made a decision then that I had never made before or since, I could and would completely give myself a new identity. I would be confident rather than shy, I would be happy rather than apprehensive, I would be a woman of the world rather than the scared child/woman who really lived in my body.
This was a strange experiment for me. And it worked. I became what I pretended to be, until it didn't feel like pretending anymore. I opened a sales division like it was something I had done many times before, when in fact it was the first time I had ever done it. I came to be able to give direction to salespeople and they listened to me. Everyone that I came to know their considered me to be a strong, knowledgeable woman and eventually even I believed it. it was a wonderful experience although I can remember thinking "someone is going to find out that I am not this strong, experienced person that I seem to be. That didn't happen. I left after the year's contact was up and my secret was never found out.
I guess to sum up my take on this quote: If I am coming from a place of security and love I can take on the spaces out there.
October is ending, the morning glories and most of the other plants on and around the deck are frost bitten. The days are getting shorter and the nights longer. I am in a warm, loving secure place and I am even looking forward to the winterness that will soon be upon us.
Tuesday, October 29th, 2013................8:27p.m.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
"September Morn"
And afternoon and evening. This morning I went outside to have my coffee on the deck. The morning glorys were all open wide, the blue ones (my favorite) and the purple ones as well as all the flowers that live on around the deck. My daughter has a way with all living things. Things bloom for her, not just plants, all living things. Her family blooms, as does her friends and neighbors, sometimes I think she is unaware of the benefits of her nuturing. And sometimes maybe we, her family are too. She makes it look so easy and natural. She moves a planter, picks off a dead bloom, humming or singing as she makes her way through her garden and life, she is a treasure and I treasure her.
For me a perfect year would have two months over and over, May and September. These are the two months I enjoy most out of the year. I have an allergy to the heat and I don't care for freezing weather either. Two of my daughters were born in September and other daughter was born June 3rd, that is close enough to May to enjoy her birthday also. My sons were born in January and July, either extreme heat or extreme cold. Perhaps that is what makes them so interesting to me. I don't know maybe they run hot and cold whereas my daughters are more temperate like the weather they born in, maybe not, just a thought. I picked up my grandson from work at 10p.m. tonight and was able to enjoy the harvest moon. A wonderful September day and night. Now it is bedtime and I am going to take the dogs, Six and Tic out for their last pee and enjoy a little more of this September night and the Harvest Moon.
Thursday September 19th, 2013............11:12 p.m.
For me a perfect year would have two months over and over, May and September. These are the two months I enjoy most out of the year. I have an allergy to the heat and I don't care for freezing weather either. Two of my daughters were born in September and other daughter was born June 3rd, that is close enough to May to enjoy her birthday also. My sons were born in January and July, either extreme heat or extreme cold. Perhaps that is what makes them so interesting to me. I don't know maybe they run hot and cold whereas my daughters are more temperate like the weather they born in, maybe not, just a thought. I picked up my grandson from work at 10p.m. tonight and was able to enjoy the harvest moon. A wonderful September day and night. Now it is bedtime and I am going to take the dogs, Six and Tic out for their last pee and enjoy a little more of this September night and the Harvest Moon.
Thursday September 19th, 2013............11:12 p.m.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Remembering A Death
Tomorrow September 9th, 2013 will be the 11th anniversary of Paul's death. Paul was in my life briefly when I was 17 years old, at that time their was a possibility that he fathered my second child. After that time he disappeared from my life for almost 40 years, or I disappeared from his, as I was the one who ran away, I ran away from my home, my husband, my life I guess. I took my two babies and ran.
In 1995 first my sister then my dad died. It was a difficult time, I was shaken and probably in some state of trauma. I recall walking around all day humming "Staying Alive, Staying Alive". It wasn't a conscious thing, my humming and when I was made aware of it I recall thinking I don't even know that song, I didn't know any other words, just staying alive. It felt like everyone I knew and loved was dying, I had also lost my best friend Joy, who was 3 years younger than me, as was my sister.
Sometime early in 1996 I received a telephone call from Paul. He had gotten my number from my eldest stepbrother. I was still humming Staying Alive and I recall thinking maybe there is a reason for "Staying Alive". It took almost a full year before Paul visited me at my home in Fenelon Falls. We talked a couple of times a week for that year. His wife had died 2 years earlier so he was a widower. His mother stilled lived in St Catherines and when she became ill Paul made the first trip from his home in Illinois to Ontario to visit his Mother and meet with me. I remember feeling like the 17 year old me again. The first time Paul came to visit I was alarmed at how thin he was. He told me then that he had had an operation 2 years before for colon cancer and his prognosis wasn't good, the Drs gave him 2 years to live. I chose to ignore this, I just wanted someone to fill the empty hole that was inside me.
Paul's mother died and Paul spent the best part of a year with me. He had to return to Illinois for more surgeries and once again was given a year to live. Paul outlived this prognosis by two years, The last two years of his life was hell, for me and for him, He was so angry and eventually I became angry also. I wanted him out of my life, I wanted my life back again, yet how do you do this when the Dr are saying he has only weeks, perhaps months to live. When in fact he lived two more years.
I don't sound like a very nice person, even to myself as I write this and remember this. My job was my life saver at this time. I began booking evening clients so I wouldn't have to go home. He began drinking more heavily and the anger boiled over in him more ofter. Somehow we got through those two years. I remember thinking "this man will never die, he will always be sick and miserable but he will never die.
On September 5th of that year he was crying and I was crying. Paul had been sleeping in a reclining chair for almost 2 years because he couldn't breath lying down. By that time the cancer was in his lungs, prostate and every part of his body. That day September 5th, I asked him to come and lay in the bed with me. I removed his housecoat that he now lived in and held his naked, skeletal frame in my arms and we both just cried. Two days later he was hospitalized again, this time for the last time.
I still didn't believe he would die, I thought he would come home again and continue being sick and miserable. On September the 9th, 2002 I stopped in the hospital on my way to work. Apparently Paul had had a stroke or something during the night. He was incapable of speech, yet he still had incredible strength and was propped up in bed slamming himself back and forth on the pillows, he was making noise but I couldn't make out what he was trying to say. His eyes were full of naked, overwhelmimg fear. I went for a nurse to give him morphine or something to calm him. Eventually she appeared with a needle. Before she give him the needle she called me. There was alarm in her voice, she said "he is dying now" and he was. I took him in my arms and whispered in his ear, I kept this up until she pulled me away. I sat by his bed for about half an hour. His eyes were wide open and a single tear was running down the left side of his face. His mouth was wide open and there was a string of spittle going from bottom lip to his top lip. I sat all that time looking at that sting of spittle, thinking isn't that strange, I should break it, but I didn't.
In 1995 first my sister then my dad died. It was a difficult time, I was shaken and probably in some state of trauma. I recall walking around all day humming "Staying Alive, Staying Alive". It wasn't a conscious thing, my humming and when I was made aware of it I recall thinking I don't even know that song, I didn't know any other words, just staying alive. It felt like everyone I knew and loved was dying, I had also lost my best friend Joy, who was 3 years younger than me, as was my sister.
Sometime early in 1996 I received a telephone call from Paul. He had gotten my number from my eldest stepbrother. I was still humming Staying Alive and I recall thinking maybe there is a reason for "Staying Alive". It took almost a full year before Paul visited me at my home in Fenelon Falls. We talked a couple of times a week for that year. His wife had died 2 years earlier so he was a widower. His mother stilled lived in St Catherines and when she became ill Paul made the first trip from his home in Illinois to Ontario to visit his Mother and meet with me. I remember feeling like the 17 year old me again. The first time Paul came to visit I was alarmed at how thin he was. He told me then that he had had an operation 2 years before for colon cancer and his prognosis wasn't good, the Drs gave him 2 years to live. I chose to ignore this, I just wanted someone to fill the empty hole that was inside me.
Paul's mother died and Paul spent the best part of a year with me. He had to return to Illinois for more surgeries and once again was given a year to live. Paul outlived this prognosis by two years, The last two years of his life was hell, for me and for him, He was so angry and eventually I became angry also. I wanted him out of my life, I wanted my life back again, yet how do you do this when the Dr are saying he has only weeks, perhaps months to live. When in fact he lived two more years.
I don't sound like a very nice person, even to myself as I write this and remember this. My job was my life saver at this time. I began booking evening clients so I wouldn't have to go home. He began drinking more heavily and the anger boiled over in him more ofter. Somehow we got through those two years. I remember thinking "this man will never die, he will always be sick and miserable but he will never die.
On September 5th of that year he was crying and I was crying. Paul had been sleeping in a reclining chair for almost 2 years because he couldn't breath lying down. By that time the cancer was in his lungs, prostate and every part of his body. That day September 5th, I asked him to come and lay in the bed with me. I removed his housecoat that he now lived in and held his naked, skeletal frame in my arms and we both just cried. Two days later he was hospitalized again, this time for the last time.
I still didn't believe he would die, I thought he would come home again and continue being sick and miserable. On September the 9th, 2002 I stopped in the hospital on my way to work. Apparently Paul had had a stroke or something during the night. He was incapable of speech, yet he still had incredible strength and was propped up in bed slamming himself back and forth on the pillows, he was making noise but I couldn't make out what he was trying to say. His eyes were full of naked, overwhelmimg fear. I went for a nurse to give him morphine or something to calm him. Eventually she appeared with a needle. Before she give him the needle she called me. There was alarm in her voice, she said "he is dying now" and he was. I took him in my arms and whispered in his ear, I kept this up until she pulled me away. I sat by his bed for about half an hour. His eyes were wide open and a single tear was running down the left side of his face. His mouth was wide open and there was a string of spittle going from bottom lip to his top lip. I sat all that time looking at that sting of spittle, thinking isn't that strange, I should break it, but I didn't.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
"The Best Time Is Now"
Yesterday, July 17th, would have been my 59th wedding anniversary. My son will be 59 this coming January, so if you do the math you will see that I was pregnant at 15 years old and my son was born 2 months after my 16th birthday. I believe something good always comes out of anything and Michael is my proof of that theory.
I think it was on an Oprah that I first seen the post title. For me it so true, the best time is now. In my daughter's home, my home, we have 2 air conditioners chugging away trying to cool the downstairs of the house. My daughter sleeping soundly on the chesterfield, because the upstairs bedrooms are so warm. My grandson is sleeping soundly on his bed upstairs, because he is 17 and can sleep anywhere, also because he went to work this morning at 7a.m and I picked him up at 3 this afternoon. After I picked him up we had to go to a neighbors and a friend to dig a hole for her to bury her 13 year dog who has doing poorly. I look after these animals when our neighbor/friends go away, the last time I was with them was last weekend. I noticed that the doomed dog was much more alert than she had been. Her owner noticed that too and called the vet and cancelled the needle for now. I was glad, his old dog is a favorite of mine. Puppies are cute but there is something about older dogs that appeal to me, possibly I just identify with them.
Anyway, right now I am only one awake in the house. My daughter goes to work at 10p.m. and finishes at 7a.m. Jonathon goes tomorrow at 7a.m. and I will be up to drive him and I will pick him up again tomorrow at 3p.m. It is nice how everything works in this home, we are all willing to make adjustments to accommodate each other, I think that is what makes it a happy home, we all love each other and we all know it.
I think I have written about Tic our new dog, but here goes again. When Poppy died, Six, our German Shepherd, did some serious grieving. She stopped eating, barely drank water and after 4 days she would go out on the deck every night and howl. The howling was so sad and so mournful that we began to worry about her health, particularly since she wasn't eating. My daughter, this wise and wonderful woman, decided that we needed another dog for Six. If you knew Six you would know how ridiculous this sounded. Six doesn't like anything or anyone who isn't part of her pack; most of her pack live in this house. I swear this dog can smell DNA, because if someone comes to visit who is blood related they are safe from her wrath, however if you are not a blood relative you have to watch it. Anyway for Six we got a puppy Labradoodle. Her name is Luna(tic). I call her Tic. Just to let you know, Six does not have a maternal bone in her body, she has never been fixed and she has never let a male dog come anywhere near her, so her maternal is zero except for her pack (us). When we first brought Tic home I though OMG she will be a sacrificial lamb, in this case puppy. That was 7 months ago and Tic is still with us. The only time she ever suffered at the teeth of Six was when she literally jumped into the snarling mouth of Six, my daughter and I witnessed the suicidal puppy when this happened... ..They co exist now and Six stopped howling right after Tic arrived. One day I want to do a post on Six, who I call Lady and Luna who I call Tic. It will be called "Lady And The Tic". Happy July All.
Thursday, July 18th, 2013.....7:15p.m.
I think it was on an Oprah that I first seen the post title. For me it so true, the best time is now. In my daughter's home, my home, we have 2 air conditioners chugging away trying to cool the downstairs of the house. My daughter sleeping soundly on the chesterfield, because the upstairs bedrooms are so warm. My grandson is sleeping soundly on his bed upstairs, because he is 17 and can sleep anywhere, also because he went to work this morning at 7a.m and I picked him up at 3 this afternoon. After I picked him up we had to go to a neighbors and a friend to dig a hole for her to bury her 13 year dog who has doing poorly. I look after these animals when our neighbor/friends go away, the last time I was with them was last weekend. I noticed that the doomed dog was much more alert than she had been. Her owner noticed that too and called the vet and cancelled the needle for now. I was glad, his old dog is a favorite of mine. Puppies are cute but there is something about older dogs that appeal to me, possibly I just identify with them.
Anyway, right now I am only one awake in the house. My daughter goes to work at 10p.m. and finishes at 7a.m. Jonathon goes tomorrow at 7a.m. and I will be up to drive him and I will pick him up again tomorrow at 3p.m. It is nice how everything works in this home, we are all willing to make adjustments to accommodate each other, I think that is what makes it a happy home, we all love each other and we all know it.
I think I have written about Tic our new dog, but here goes again. When Poppy died, Six, our German Shepherd, did some serious grieving. She stopped eating, barely drank water and after 4 days she would go out on the deck every night and howl. The howling was so sad and so mournful that we began to worry about her health, particularly since she wasn't eating. My daughter, this wise and wonderful woman, decided that we needed another dog for Six. If you knew Six you would know how ridiculous this sounded. Six doesn't like anything or anyone who isn't part of her pack; most of her pack live in this house. I swear this dog can smell DNA, because if someone comes to visit who is blood related they are safe from her wrath, however if you are not a blood relative you have to watch it. Anyway for Six we got a puppy Labradoodle. Her name is Luna(tic). I call her Tic. Just to let you know, Six does not have a maternal bone in her body, she has never been fixed and she has never let a male dog come anywhere near her, so her maternal is zero except for her pack (us). When we first brought Tic home I though OMG she will be a sacrificial lamb, in this case puppy. That was 7 months ago and Tic is still with us. The only time she ever suffered at the teeth of Six was when she literally jumped into the snarling mouth of Six, my daughter and I witnessed the suicidal puppy when this happened... ..They co exist now and Six stopped howling right after Tic arrived. One day I want to do a post on Six, who I call Lady and Luna who I call Tic. It will be called "Lady And The Tic". Happy July All.
Thursday, July 18th, 2013.....7:15p.m.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
"That's Right Up My Cup Of Tea"
It is June 1st. Life is good. Family and friends are healthy. I am a great grandmother for the 6th time and will be again in about 5 weeks. That makes 7 great grandchildren born without the (benefit???) of marriage. I mentioned in an earlier post how wonderful it is to see people get past, way past, the marriage thing. I wonder how this trend is affecting divorce lawyers?? I spend a lot time worrying about lawyers. I was so glad when gay marriage was legislated, I mean why should they not help support lawyers.
I suppose I am being a little sarcastic, something I don't like in others and I don't like it in myself. It is just that I find it so difficult not to do one of the few things I am good at. My own children, who are all now grandparents themselves, have really good, healthy marriages and/or relationships. Linda, my eldest daughter married her partner Ann 6 or 7 years ago. Everyone who knows Ann loves her. They are delightful to be with and happy with their marriage and each other. Michael, my first born, is very happy in his marriage to Shelia and has made a wonderful home for his blended family.
Janet, my second born is in a happy marriage, as far as I know. At least they are still together. Janet and I have been estranged for many years now. Sometimes a child gets the wrong parents or the parents get the wrong child. It happens. I wish her well and hopefully she wishes me well. Rusty my third born, is with a lady I am very fond of and as far as I know they are well and happy. Leighann, Rusty's lady, is the kind of person I would like to have around if I needed care and we have made an agreement that should that happen she will be here. Hopefully that never happens but it is nice to know that if it is ever does she will be here. Tami, my baby girl, is married to one of my favorite people on the planet, and seeing as she is also one of the best people on the planet it works very well.
I live with Tami and Dennis in a large yellow brick farmhouse, built in 1875. It is a happy home that always 3 generations, often 4 with their own grandchildren and occasionally 5 generations when Dennis's grandma, a 101 year old lady comes to visit. Because I have lived here for over 5 years I have had a lot of time to observe a marriage where he always puts her first and she puts him first. It is a very mature relationship. They don't have to be all over each other to prove something. They already know and it shows. So, perhaps I am the screwup in marriage, in fact I am almost sure that I am. Be that as it may, I am happy and I am grateful. In fact this life I am living is right up my cup of tea.
Saturday, June 1st, 2013.......9:42p.m.
I suppose I am being a little sarcastic, something I don't like in others and I don't like it in myself. It is just that I find it so difficult not to do one of the few things I am good at. My own children, who are all now grandparents themselves, have really good, healthy marriages and/or relationships. Linda, my eldest daughter married her partner Ann 6 or 7 years ago. Everyone who knows Ann loves her. They are delightful to be with and happy with their marriage and each other. Michael, my first born, is very happy in his marriage to Shelia and has made a wonderful home for his blended family.
Janet, my second born is in a happy marriage, as far as I know. At least they are still together. Janet and I have been estranged for many years now. Sometimes a child gets the wrong parents or the parents get the wrong child. It happens. I wish her well and hopefully she wishes me well. Rusty my third born, is with a lady I am very fond of and as far as I know they are well and happy. Leighann, Rusty's lady, is the kind of person I would like to have around if I needed care and we have made an agreement that should that happen she will be here. Hopefully that never happens but it is nice to know that if it is ever does she will be here. Tami, my baby girl, is married to one of my favorite people on the planet, and seeing as she is also one of the best people on the planet it works very well.
I live with Tami and Dennis in a large yellow brick farmhouse, built in 1875. It is a happy home that always 3 generations, often 4 with their own grandchildren and occasionally 5 generations when Dennis's grandma, a 101 year old lady comes to visit. Because I have lived here for over 5 years I have had a lot of time to observe a marriage where he always puts her first and she puts him first. It is a very mature relationship. They don't have to be all over each other to prove something. They already know and it shows. So, perhaps I am the screwup in marriage, in fact I am almost sure that I am. Be that as it may, I am happy and I am grateful. In fact this life I am living is right up my cup of tea.
Saturday, June 1st, 2013.......9:42p.m.
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