This Old House

This is a picture of our house taken last year over the Christmas Holidays.  I had my son in law take a picture for me.  I told him I wanted it for a screen saver but the moment I saw the fading light on the snow and the Christmas lights I knew I wanted it to be a painting,  It was finished the end of June and I kept it until the first week of September, when my son in law's birthday falls on the 1st and my daughter's falls on the 5th;  their birthdays are celebrated jointly in Labour Day weekend.

The picture was certainly a surprise.  I like getting things for this branch of my family; probably because I know what would be really appreciated and more important, what is needed.  My gifts are usually practical, like prepaying an amount on their hydro bill and propane bill every winter.  Those things are really appreciated and seeing as I don't pay rent I feel good about contributing to the household,  The painting was really something different and when they opened it they looked as surprised as they did happy,  As days went by over the next couple of weeks I heard more and more comments about the picture and I came to realize how much they were enjoying it.  The picture was painted by Brenda Depres, an artist whose work I am familiar with and enjoy.  I will put her website at the bottom of this post for anyone who is interested.

I would like to have a four season collage of our home and the property attached.  Because this house is so old, 1875, there is major renovations everywhere.  Many have already been done and still more are on the to do list,  This summer we have a bricklayer doing renovation and repointing with yellow bricks almost 140 years old.  This is a big 4 bedroom home and every new venture is expensive.  We are trying hard to keep the old homestead feeling ,  This is a home, that houses 3 generations at all times and quite often 4 generations with my great grandsons.  The house expands when someone needs a home for a few weeks or months, then effortlessly shrinks back when that person moves on.  I have always felt it is the perfect place to come and heal, physically heal, emotionally heal and any other kind of healing a person needs throughout their lifetime.
https://www.facebook.com/ArtisticImpressionsbybldespres

Monday, October 20th, 2014,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,9:16p.m.

SUMMER..............It's Over

In South Western Ontario the leaves are changing.  Signs of autumn showing everywhere.  There is a part of me that wants to say "Whew, Made It Through That".  That is more often a feeling at the end of winter.  I love this time of year, it is like every year I am taken in again, fooled again into believing these sunny days and nice cool nights will be with us for a while, all the time knowing that around the next couple of corners lay snow, blowing snow, freezing snow, every kind of snow you can imagine we get here and we get it in abundance,  But right now I am enjoying the riot of colour and the warm days and cool nights, even while knowing all the while what is coming.  There is still a lot of colour from my daughter's gardens, although the Morning Glory's no longer open and face the sun in the morning, other hardier plants are still looming in gardens and on our deck.

We are normally a hardy bunch here and the autumn seems to be bringing with it some health problems for the more senior members of our large tribe.  At almost 76 years old that would include me, but as of now aside from suffering with my knees, my health remains good.  On the 26th of August I quit smoking, so I have just over a month in.  This is it for me.  I was beginning to notice things like getting of breath all of the time, which is exacerbated by the weight problem.  I used that excuse for so long not to quit smoking.  Finally I stood in front of a mirror nude, do you have any idea the amount of courage that takes?, anyway I did and said to myself "you are already fat, so this is the best time in the world to quit smoking" and I did.  I don't like ridged plans or schedules, for me something flexible always works better; thus I am not doing anything stupid like dieting or weighing myself until at least spring.  One thing at a time and this fall and winter are dedicated to not smoking.

It is not my health that I meant to discuss here.  Dennis, my son in law, has the health problems in his family right now.  Dennis's Mother, Molly discovered a mass in her breast.  She has already had one operation and another is scheduled for 2nd of October.  To really complicate things, Molly's mother Hilda is 103 and still alive.  Hilda enjoys quite good health for someone that age.  The thing is Hilda is ready to go, she is more than ready and has told everyone so.  Hilda has already lost 2 of her 4 children to cancer and she feels she can't and won't do this again.  I am with her ENOUGH already.
Hilda also needs some care, at 103 her vision is gone, she needs the basic help any person over 100 needs.  Tami, my daughter id going to kitchener, about a 2 hour drive from here, on October 1st so she will be the primary caregiver to Molly and Hilda when Molly gets out of hospital on the 2nd of October.  This kind of shifts things around here.  I will take on some of the things Tami does and Jon my 18 year old grandson will help.  Dennis is working in Alberta and is away working for 2 weeks, then flies home for a week.  We will all do our part and do the best we can. 

Tami and Dennis celebrated their birthdays the first week in September and I had a painting of this home commissioned by an artist.  The picture was taken last Christmas and I am going to get Jonathon to show me how to put the picture on my blog, so next blog will come with picture.

July and Half Of August

It seems the longer I put off blogging the harder it becomes.  So many things happen, I think I should blog about, (I KNOW I should blog about them) but I don't; then I almost become uncomfortable, apprehensive, who I am kidding, I feel fear to start again.  It is liking losing touch with a loved one, more and more time goes by and it gets harder and harder to make that call.  I really blog for myself and except for 2 or 3 people that I know read it no one probably even reads it,

Babies have been born in my family, others celebrated their 4th and 2nd and 5th birthday/  My son has turned 54 and my daughter will celebrate her 53rd birthday soon,  New pets have joined our household, one a cat named Bert was killed on the road.  Ernie, his brother is still with us.  Bert has been replaced by Jeepers, a tiny scrap of baby kitty whom we didn't think would live thru the day when we rescued him,  Today he running around the house, jumping, tumbling and doing baby kitty things bringing joy only infant animals, baby humans included can do.

There has been good news, my daughter is finished working nights and has a line on an interesting job, my youngest grandson has a good paying summer job, with which he is paying off the loan given him after the accident.  People have died, some we know, some we didn;t like Robin Williams.  I am sure over the summer people around me have fought to hangon and some people have fought to let go.  I have tried to make decisions that other see as black and white and I see as many shades of grey.  I am not nearly as sure of things at 75 as I was at 35,  I see this as a good thing, possibly others see it as my floundering to make up my mind and being indecisive.

We had baby chicks this year.  I think we got them in mid May and they buthchered a week or two ago.  Those tiny yellow chicks wieghed just a few ounces and are 5 pound chickens in our freezer now.  As for the weather, this was my kind of summer........cool.  Many missed the extreme heat, not me, heat is hard on me, always has been,  I am carrying about 50 lbs of extra weight.  My knees hurt all the time, making excersizing painful, making weight loss almost impossible.  I seem to go round and round with this problem,  I have almost made peace with myself and this issue.  I will be 76 years old this November and I want to enjoy these years and food is something I enjoy,

I have attended many of my12 step meeting groups, as the roads are good,  I have nurtured and cared for my friends in this group and they have loved and comforted me back.  As in any group many new people are coming for help, some will stay and get their health and life bacl.  Unfortunately others will not stay, possibly I will see them around the tables in a year or so, maybe not....... inevitably some will die.  I give what I can and do what I can.  I enjoy life as it continues around me.

August 15th, 2012.............8:45 p.m.

Grandma Love

Yesterday my Grandson Jonathon was in his first accident as a new driver.  I feel the need to write about my relationship with Jonathon as well as the accident.

Approx 19 years ago when my daughter told me she wanted another child I was less than thrilled.  And for selfish reasons.  Tami, my daughter is my baby and she had two sons; James was 13 and Charles was 12 at the time.  I was hoping that now that boys were reaching their teens she would have more time to spend with me.  We lived hours away from each oher and we were both working fulltime and were lucky to get together 2 or 3 times a year.  I was hoping that would change as her boys became the age they were.  I didn't say that of course even though I thought it.  Sure enough the next time I heard from Tami she was pregnant.  She was 34 years old, which I think is young, and  her pregnancy was monitered pretty closely.On April 7th, 1996 Jonathon was born.  It was Easter Sunday and through circumstances unplanned by me I was at the Hospital for the birth,  My fiance Paul was with me, he was was stage 4 of colon cancer at the time.

Jonathon was a little bit early and a little under 5 lbs.  He was also breach and a difficult labour.  Because Tami had an epideral and was kept in recovery a little longer a nurse brought out Jonathon.  He was naked except for a towel.  For some reason the nurse assumed my fiance was the grandpa and put the bay in Pauls arms.  This was the first time in his life that Paul had held a newborn and he was really nervous as well as overwhelmed by this less than 5 lb piece of brand new humanity.  Paul had a daughter but because of his work she was weeks old before he saw her.  I looked at him with this naked little boy in his arms and felt pretty overwhelmed myself.

Jonathon looked so much like my daughter when she was brand new.  He even had the same fringe of red hair around his head, and like his Mother that fringe of new penny copper hair came out in a few weeks and platinum blond hair came in.  O.K. enough remenicing about my baby and her baby.

When Jonathon was 12 in 2008 my job was abrupted ended with the Ministy of Health.  I was shocked, hurt and felt a lot of betrayal.  I had my own little mini crisis and Tami came to me because she was concerned.  A month or so later she asked me to come here.  I accepted, still is shock and emotional pain.  The plan was that I stay for a couple of weeks.  That was over 6years ago.

During these 6 years I have watched Jonathon turn from a little boy into a young man.  What a privledge and a joy that has been.  With my own children I was so busy, first mothering, then working, going to school and mothering, that I missed the little nuances that brings a child into adulthood.  Being the baby of the family Jonathon was allowed, perhaps even encouraged to remain a little boy much longer than his brothers,  My daughter and her husband Dennis are exceptable parents, in my opinion.

About a month ago Jonathon had another rite of passage, he became a licsened  driver.  He had been driving the tractor and other recreational since he was about 10.  Jonathon works part time as well as finishing his last year of high school.  Because his dad works in Saskatchewan. Jon was allowed to drive his dads truck to work and back.  Before his dad left for out west this time he had a long man to man talk with Jon and promised to be very careful with the truck.  Yesterday at about 4p.m. the phone rang and it was Jon's voice I heard.  He was crying and almost hysterical.  I just asked him where he was and got in my car and went to him.  There was police cruiser parked in front of the address and the truck Jon was driving beside it, also a large red van with a dent in the passenger rear side.  I got out of my car as quickly as my old knees allowed and went to Jon, who was sobbing and shaking,  I just held in my arms as he sobbed "I promised dad I would be careful" over and over and I just held him tighter.  The police officer was a woman and the person driving the van was a woman who two sons of her own aged 20 and 22.  These two women looked at Jon like they wanted to hug him too. Insurance information was exchanged.  The woman police officer and the lady with the van talked with me and it was agreed that she would not contact her Insurance but instead take her car into a repair shop and get an estimate that we could and did decide to pay ourselves.  Jon will pay for this through weekly payments.

It was a stressful but loving day.  The two women had such compassion for Jon and I think for me.
It felt like everyone involved was doing their best to help this man/child.  And I knew my job as a "Grandma" was just to hold this child and reassure him, then help him find a way to deal with it. 
THAT IS GRANDMA LOVE,

Mother

We've had our differences over the years
Due to circumstance, youth and fears
But through it all
We've persevered.
You mothered, as best you could
I resisted as children would.
For many years we stayed apart
Listening not to the heart.
But deep inside for all those years
A call was ringing in my years.
A pull that drew me in the end
To discover you as friend.
For all you did and all you do
Mother, I give thanks to you.
As friends we stand on level ground
So many things in common found.
But most of all, both first and last
We have learned from the past.
Learned that love has many forms
Life is not comprised of norms.
A Mother doesn't just give birth
This is not the task of worth.
A Mother works, laughs and cries
Reflects your value in her eyes.
She waits and waits and waits some more
Always at that open door.
Now we are as we should be,
Mother and Daughter
You and Me.

Happy Mother's Day

Love Linda

Mother's Day 1997

After almost 40 years of coming into each others lives.  Through hurt and fear and tears, my daughter and I found the courage to overcome all of these and we came to recognize how much we valued each other.

Monday, May 19th, 2014................9:15p.m.

An Ending, A Beginning, Easter And Finally Spring

On April 11, 2014 my long time friend James Richard McKeown died.  Jim had been in my life for 37 years.  He offered me a  safe harbour during a very stormy time in my life, Cottage 29 at Edgewater Beach in Haliburton.  He was a grounds keeper and Jack of all trades at this establishment.  I was running, I just realized how often I use that term "running, I spent a lot of years from my teens to about 40 years old running, this time from an abusive relationship with someone in Hamilton as well as an extremely abusive affair with substance abuse.  Jim became my friend, for a while my lover, as well as a substitute Father to my young adult children, particularly my 15 year old daughter, who I live with today.  Jim, somehow I hope you know you know the words that my children spoke, wrote, felt, when they learned of your death.

On April 18th, one week later my latest great grandchild was born.  His name is Jeremy Rush MacCharles.  It probably is a fantasy, but wouldn't it be wonderful if part of Jim's soul resided in that baby.  I have four children and from them 13 biological grandchildren.  From these 13 grandchildren I have 9 biological great grandchildren.  This is not counting children from my second marriage, my stepchildren. a term I don't like and very seldom use anymore.  They are all my children and their children are my grandchildren.  I have a Mother's Day Card sitting on my computer desk from Linda, the youngest of my step children.  For years now we have been Mother and Daughter.  Perhaps in my next post I will post her poem to me from years ago.  This poem means so much to me that I keep it where I see it anytime.

Then it was Easter.  A busy time, not so much for me but for my family.  they were off to spend Good Friday with Dennis's Mother and Grandmother.  This lady, the grandmother, had her 102nd birthday in April.  We had Easter Dinner here at home, turkey, gravey stuffing and all the stuff that goes into a family dinner.  During April my Grandson James, named for the now deceased Jim, turned 31 on April the 13th, my granddaughter Laura also turned 30 and my youngest grandchild turned 18 on the 7th.  An eventful month, filled with lots of love and some loss,  And today May the 7th is my Grand Daughter in law s birthday as well as my Grandson "Rusty Roy, My Darling Boy" 30th birthday.  His birthday always signifies springs beginning for me.

Judith Ann MacCharles

I was 19 years old when I met Judy and she was 9.  I was running away from my first marriage.  I had my 3 year old son and my 18 month old daughter with me.  Judy's father was looking, rather desperately. for someone to look after 3 daughters.  His wife had died some months earlier of a kidney disease, that today could have treated and possibly cured.

I believe we quickly decided that we were each others answer; mine for a safe place to raise my 2 children and him for a woman who would look after his 3 daughters.  Besides Judy there was Sharon 11 years old and Linda, his baby I believe was 6.  Within a year we were married and in the next 2 years there were 2 more babies.  When I was 22 years old I had 7 children ranging in age from 14 to newborn.  I didn't find those years particularly difficult; when you are 22 years old you believe you can do anything, at least I did.  The one thing I do remember is doing laundry, always doing laundry, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

When Judy was 14 and I was 24 she started her first year of high school.  This was when the trouble started.  She did not adjust to high school,  She did not want to go.  We went through months of pleading, begging and demanding she go.  Eventually her mood changed and instead of arguing or saying she was sick, she would just stay in her bed, hardly ever getting out and she cried a lot.  I took her our family Dr., who told me it was  a teen age phase.  This man had never really approved of my marriage to a man 14 years older than myself and having 2 babies in 2 years.  I was his first patient on birth control in 1961.  He was probably right, 7 children at age 22 was probably enough.

After our trip home from the Dr. I thought "well, maybe he is right, what do I know about teenagers, I had just finished being a teenager myself.  Judy continued staying in her bed and crying for a couple of months after that.  Then, one beautiful evening in May, when the beautiful bridal wreath (Spirea I think) was blooming, as well as some lovely yellow flowers on some bushes we had in the yard, I sent my eldest child, Michael who was 8 years old at the time, upstairs to bring a blanket down.  He found Judy hanging from a beam in our unfinished upstairs loft.  He called for me and I raced up the stairs.  I lifted her body and it sounded like she breathed, but she didn't.  Her body was already cold.
Judy was dead.  This beautiful young woman was gone.  Nature is sometimes kind.  I don't remember the next couple of days or much about her funeral.  What I do remember is feeling afraid and guilty, very, very guilty.  I waited for weeks for the police to come back and arrest me for letting this girl die.  I was supposed to be the Mother and she had died, it had to be somebody's fault, It had to be my fault.

In the years that followed I would learn more about depression than I ever wanted to know, as I exprienced it myself, including a clinical depression that I should have been hospitalized for.  I know now what I didn't know then.  That I should have just hugged that girl and to hell with forcing her to go to school.  That instead instead of nagging and threatening her, I should have held her and told her I loved her and everything would be Okay.  Maybe that wouldn't have worked ut then again maybe it would have.

Next month it will be 50 years since this happened and I will drive by a house where the bushes with the white flowers  and yellow flowers grow and I will remember Judy, like I have for the past 49 years.

Monday, April7th, 2014.......9:48p.m.

February Blog

I spent almost all of February pet/house sitting for a friend, while her husband had bowel surgery.  Their house is only a 15 minute drive from home, however, in February in Bruce County, where I live, that is a long way.  Our winter has been hard even for a Bruce County winter.  When I moved in with my daughter and her family I decided that I wasn't ready for full retirement and started a small business looking after people's homes and pets while they were away.  This wasn't to augment my income as much as to give me a purpose, something to do and feel good about.

I constantly surprise myself at how chameleon I am.  Within 24 hours of moving into someone else's home I feel comfortable and change my routine to fit the dogs, cats or whatever and the motion of the house.  Houses have motions and they are all different.  The way the furnace or air conditioning clicks in and the fridge runs, what time the water softener back washes as well as the special creaks and moans from heat, cold, or wind.

Also when I am alone with just the pets and plants and all is quiet my minds slides back into the past and memories from the past flood me, memories that are much easier to push back down or smother when I am in my home with the comings and goings of all of our household.

Part the memories that kept appearing the past 3 weeks included the suicide of my step daughter when she was 15 and I was 25 years old.  I decided while I was away that this was something I needed to blog about and I will, probably in my next blog.  Some scars never really heal and sometimes not looking at them is more difficult than finding the courage to let the light in and reexamining the event and the feelings squished so tightly around around them and over them.

Wednesday, February 26th, 2014.....8:06p.m.

January, 2014

Wow, what a month.  I don't think I have been out of the house for more than 3 times this entire month.  Where we live it is known as snow country, however, this month has exceeded anything we could have expected.  As a result I have spent almost all of my time in my favorite housecoat.  It is pink and fleecy and fluffy and warm.  So except for showers and laundry it has been my apparel of choice all month.

We have one real concern.  We heat by propane and the tank is getting low.  There is no way in hell that a propane truck could get through our quarter mile snow drifted driveway.  We have backup electric heat in the upstairs bedrooms and Dennis, my son in law, has purchased small electric plug in heaters for the downstairs.  We also cook with propane so running out of propane could be a real problem.

As for me the month has passed in a kind of haze.  There is plenty of reading material, Thank God, and I spend a lot of time reading and sleeping.  I think this is probably how our ancestors, in the cave man days made it through winters.  In an almost dormant state our metabolism is lowered so we don't need as much food and sleeping through this weather isn't really a bad idea.  I didn't want the month of January to pass without a post.  Now I have done that it is back to bed with a book.  Talk to you again next month.

Thursday, January 30th, 2014..........4:31p.m.