Gestalt Therapy.......A Quote

"We may seek the outer friend - or many outer friends - in place of the inner friend.  Of course - outer friends are essential, but they cannot replace the inner friend.  In fact, without some development of the inner friend, it seems that we cannot relate to the outer ones.
If we do not like ourselves enough we will not believe that others like us; if we do not accept ourselves enough, we will not let the other accept us".

Mary Henle
Some Aspects of the Phenomenoly of the Personality

I know all this.  In fact I knew it many years ago.  My own phenomena is that I had to relearn it so many times.  I have to grateful for the hard times, the hurting times that I was forced to, sometimes chose to spend alone, just with myself for company; these were the times when this lesson was reinforced until it was well learned.

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Saturday, April 30th, 2011..............3:06p.m.

Losses.......Sometimes Our best Friend Has Four Legs

My nephews dog Mini-Me died April 24th, 2011

Last Night...
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched ...you pour the tea, You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care. I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away." You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

Madness Is The Exception In Individuals But The Rule In Groups..... Nietzsche

Ah, more Nietzsche.  I found this quote in a book called "Willful Blindness".  I have reading this book for a couple of months now.  Normally I sit down and devour a book in one sitting.  This book however, has so much content, is so meaty that it takes time to digest each new idea.  Most of what I read here are things I already knew, yet had never taken the time to really look at and think about.

The chapter in Willful Blindness, taking orders just because they are given by someone with an extra stripe on his sleeve, like Russell Williams perhaps, or even someone who is very popular in high school, thus making them an automatic leader, even if they have a room temperature IQ. was extremely interesting to me.
I have probably been as guilty as everyone else when it comes to this practice. I wanted to fit in too, I wanted to be accepted, probably still do, but I no longer am willing to pay the price (losing my automy and disregarding my own beliefs) as I was a couple of decades ago.

Back to Nietzsche's quote; I have to agree.  I worked with what was termed unstable persons for many years.  In many cases I found them more stable than good, stable persons running local government.  I only mention local government because I have never had the pleasure?? of knowing those running Federal Government.  Madness is indeed the exception in individuals, however, spend a little time with Cult Leader for example or Fundamentalist Christians (same thing) and you will understand Nietxsche's quote much, much better.

Thoughts In The Afternoon

Easter Sunday, April 24th, 2011.................3:14p.m.

"There Is Always Something To Be Happy About, Truly Happy. The Universe

This was my early morning message from Tut, The Universe.  I look forward to my message every morning, just about as much as I look forward to my morning message in my special book "The Language Of Letting Of Letting Go".  I had no idea how much I needed my book until my life was turned upside down 3 years ago.  It is amazing how much this book with its morning message has gotten me through.  Even the title "The Language Of Letting Go" is so appropriate for me.  Letting go was a foreign language to me.  I have a difficult time letting go of worn out shoes, let alone people, places or things that mean anything to me.  Yet I have always known and believed that if something or someone loves you it will always come back to you, in fact it never leaves you, you may be seperated by distance or time but it never really leaves you.

I have much to be happy about.  I am so glad that I know that and I appreciate it. I have given a copy of this book to everyone that I care about and especially to everyone I love.

Good Friday, April 22nd, 2011..............9:43p.m.

"You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don't Take" Wayne Gretzky

I find quotes in the crasiest places.  I play euchre online.  The other day my partner, in the card game, used this quote when I made it trump with a few trump cards in my hand.  And I thought how true this is, in life as well as cards.  Some of the best things I have experienced in life came from taking a chance, a risk, taking that shot even when it seemed impossible that I could win.

I hope that I am still learning, even as A 70 Something Woman.  That I will still take a risk once in a while and that I remember that "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".  Short message but an important one I think.

Thursday, April 21, 2011............9:41p.m.

What Is Life? A Quote By Eagle Chief (Pawnee)

I like any works done by Native North American Peoples.  This quote reads:  "What is life?  It is the flash of a firefly in the night.  It is a breath of a buffalo in wintertime.  It is the little shadow which runs in the grass and loses itself in sunset".  Like so many things that I post on my blog I found this quote while looking for something else.  I find the computer more amazing all the time.  Or perhaps I am doing more random research than ever before.

When I first started using the computer, about 10 years ago, I knew very little about it.  The first thing I ever did on a computer was play a couple of games.  I highly recommend this method of learning.  It got me past my fear of the machine.  I was fortunate that I had a 15 year old grandson living with me at that ime, I also had a secretary who seemed, at least to me, to know everything about computers.  I was in the stock market at that time and at least twice a day I would ask her to check a certain stock I was following at that time.  After about two weeks of doing this she said " I bet you could do this yourself, I will watch you and tell you what to do next."  Probably most peoples first interaction with a computer is not the stock market.  I remember how wonderful I felt when I was able to check my own stock.  What an accomplishment that was for me.  As I said I also had a 15 year old grandson living with me at that time.  At 15 hardly anything intimidates us, well maybe girls, if we are a 15 year old boy.  Anyway Rusty Roy showed me how to E Mail.  We made a real mess of that computer and I had more service calls than most people, but he helped me.  I really enjoyed my year with my grandson; now I am getting to experience another 15 year old grandson.  I am enjoying this experience as much as I did the first one.  I wish conditions had been different when I had Rusty Roy with me; Paul, my fiance, was sick at that time, in fact he was dying and it took away from the enjoyment of my grandson.  But I remember that year and I remember the time with my grandson fondly.

I have no idea how I got from Eagle Chief to Rusty Roy and it doesn't matter.  That is the great thing about having your blog, it can go in any direction that you decide.

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011.............10:56p.m.

Meaningless Chatter And Meaningful Silence

I am not very good at meaningless chatter, in fact it annoys me.  There are a few people that I know I can spend time with and have meaningful talk.  I can leave those conversations and feel really good, mentally stimulated even.  Then there are other people who seem to have meaningless chatter down to a fine art.  I spent many years as a therapist and I could always tell very quickly who really wanted some help because their words meant something.  I suppose I have done some meaningless chatter myself, usually at times when I don't know what to say or with people that I can't be honest with.  I get very uncomfortable when I am in a position where I have to make polite conversation.  I would really rather be alone with a good book.

Special people can offer me meaningful talk and with these same people I can enjoy meaningful silence.  Sometimes the comfortable silence has much more meaning to me than the chatter that goes on with others.  I usually gauge the quality of my relationships by the meaningful talk and sometimes even more by the meaningful silences.

Tonight I am grateful for the people in my life with whom I can enjoy meaningful talk and comfortable, meaningful silence

Tuesday, April 20th, 2011.............10:03p.m.

"The Moving Finger Writes And Having Writ Moves On" Omar Khayyam 1045 1123

This is a quote that was sent to me from a friend.  She is my daughter in laws sister and she is one of the two people that I made a point of sending my blog to.  So, Thank You Donna.
I spent some time researching this man's work, but could not find the verse this quote comes from, if indeed it comes from a verse at all. But I like it and it is kind of haunting me so I thought I would speak/write about it tonight.
To me it means that we can only affect anything while we are alive, and when we have finished that task then it is time to move on to the next task, or the next phase of our lives.
I always seem to have carried an invisible yardstick in my head.  This was how I measured my success and failures throughout my life.
Recently I have come to realize how my measurement for success and failure have changed as I have aged, probably not all of them but a lot of them.  I no longer measure my social success by the number of calls I get, but by the quality of the people who call.  I no longer measure others success by the cars they drive or the houses they live in but by how often they smile or laugh.  I no longer measure my childrens success by their income or status but by how happy they are.
I think that is progress and I am pleased with it.

Monday, April 18th, 2011..................11:05p.m.

George Carlin..I Miss Him

Here are a a couple of my favorite George Carlin quotes

" I think people should be allowed to do anything they anything they want.  We havn't tried that for a while.  Maybe this time it will work".

"I would never want to be a member of a group whos symbol was a guy nailed to two peices of wood".

I agree George.  Just think what people might do accomplish if they felt they were allowed to do what they want.

And I am not a member of any group whos symbol is a a guy nailed nailed to two peices of wood.  I really appreciate that well fed, happy, smiling Bhudda after staring at that guy nailed to two peices of wood.

Night All

Sunday, April 17th, 2011...........10:21p.m.

TIME

Every morning I recieve a message from TUT, A Message from The Universe.  The Granddaughter Of My Soul put me on this site and I thank her again.  The following is a message from last Thursday:

"In all of time and space can you think of anything more valuable than just another day?
How's that for a reality check?"

Perhaps I needed that reality check, in fact I know I did.  Would I trade another day for the Lotto Max?  Not for a second, nor would anyone else that I can think of.  So many times in my life I have thought that I would give anything to spend another day with someone who is no longer a part of my life, usually through death, but sometimes because of a breakup or a disagreement.  Occasionally we are given a chance to reunite with someone who is has been out of life for many years.  If you are lucky enough to have this happen to you be grateful and use that day wisely.  Say and do the things you wished for so long that you could say and do.  The I'm sorrys, the thank yous, everything you wished you had the opportunity to say.  Time is something that you can't buy back, you can't wish it back and you can feel regret for a long time.

I am grateful for the reality check of this message.  I know that I want another day more than anything else.  Another day means another chance.

Saturday, April 16th, 2011..............10:34p.m.

Freedom (Again)

Tonight I will attempt to write about freedom again, hopefully without having an anxiety again.  I never did find  the blog that sent me into the anxiety attack.  I think perhaps I always desired freedom too much.  I had felt so restricted for so much of my life.  For many years I waited for someone to give me freedom.  I will share my secret with you:  No one can give you permission to be free, that is something you have to claim for yourself.  My quest for freedom led me to some strange places.  It is strange that I felt that I must fight for freedom; that is a lot like eating to lose weight, or drinking alcohol to be sober.  Eventually I learned that freedom is something that you must claim.  Yet even when I did claim it there were times when I still felt controlled.  Quite often I gave my freedom away, perhaps it scared me.  There were times when I ran from a bad situation just to run to a worse one.  These were learning times and perhaps nessessary.  I looked in my favorite reference book and found it's defination of freedom.  I will share that with you.

April 18th
"Many of us were oppressed and victimized as children.  As adults we may continue to keep ourselves oppressed.
Some of us don't know that we hold the key to our own freedom.  That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.
We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.
We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves.  When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.
Walk Through."

"Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom.  I will stop participating in my oppression and
victimization.  I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may."

I like that explanation of freedom and I hope you do.

Friday, April 15th, 2011..................9:31p.m.

PLAY

I want to talk about play tonight.  I went to one of my quote files and found a couple of quotes about play.

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."
George Bernard Shaw

"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
Plato

I don't play enough, I never played enough.  As a child I was much to hypervigilant to really play.  I was watching and listening all the time.  I was afraid I was going to get caught.  I am not even sure what I was afraid I was going to get caught doing, something I shouldn't no doubt.  But I was never sure what I was allowed to do and what I wasn't, because the rules were so inconsistant, in fact there was no consistancy at all.  What was o.k. today might get you knocked across the room tomorrow.  Maybe my mother was never allowed to play either, I don't know.  I always thought that I was a little grownup, and I tried to be.

I was a mother at 16 years old and that may be the first time I learned to play.  I watched my baby.  He instinctively knew how to play.  At 3 months old he was smiling, so I knew what made him happy.  At 4 months old he was laughing and I would laugh with him.  That was probably the first time that I had laughed that way, even then the sound of my own laughter would sometimes startle me and I would look around, even though there was just the two of us, just to make sure no one seen me or heard me.  After a few years, when I had moved away from that home and that family I had more babies and I laughed and played more with them.  If I hadn't had children I may never have learned to play at all.  Then life became very serious again; work and school, then college seemed to take all of my time and energy.  About that time I discovered alcohol and recreational drugs.  While under the influence of these mind altering substances I sometimes laughed and perhaps I played.  Then I realized that I also cried a lot during that 10 year period.

I am glad that there is no age limit on playing, because I want to be able to learn to play again; or maybe for the first time.  I like the quotes that I found and I will expound more on them in the next few days or nights.  Right now I feel a little cold and tired.  I am going to my bed and read.  I think that through reading I find the little bit of play that I have in my life right now.

April 14th, 2011.............10:32p.m.

Freedom

DAMN....I just spent 20 minutes writng about Freedom and what it means to me.  And it appears now that I have lost it.  An interesting thing happened when I was writing..I had to stop.  I began feeling anxious.  Now I can't find it.  I have had this problem before, when I try to edit the post it goes into draft like it did tonight, then it disappears, again like it did tonight.  Now it is somewhere in the ethersphere and I am left with frustration and tonight with anxiety.  I wonder what there is about freedom tonight that is causing such anxiety.
I will ponder on that.  But can't write anymore tonight.

Wednesday, April 13th. 2011................9:31p.m.

Happy Birthday James................1st Baby Of My Last Baby

Truth, Freedom, Language, Purity And Tolerance.........Stephen Fry

This afternoon while I was driving into town I heard this quote or part of a quote by Stephen Fry.

"I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the alter of language and purity and tolerance".

I liked it so much that again I pulled the car off of the road and wrote it down before I forgot it.  I thought about for these words for quite a while.  I am a lover of truth, even though there are some people I don't risk being truthful with.  This past weekend I was able to tell the truth to a person that I really wanted and needed to and it wasn't difficult, in fact it came naturally and easy.  Sometimes telling the truth isn't possible because you don't really know the truth yourself, that was the case in this instance.  Other times telling the truth is to scary, especially for children.  I told my truths as a child and was not believed, even worse was told that I was lying or making things up.  When you do that to a child something happens to them and they begin to doubt their own truths.
As an adult I want to tell my truths as often as possible and not for any moral reasons but because I feel better, I sleep better, I even breathe better.

Lies of omission are much more difficult, at least to me. Not long ago I had a friend ask me if she looked good in a red dress she had purchased.  She didn't, but rather than say that I told her that I really liked the blue dress, that blue really looked good on her.  I guess that that is a lie of omission but one that does no one any harm.  It still surprises me that anyone ever asks me anything about fashion or clothing, as I have no interest in either.  If I like you I would probably think that you look good in sack cloth, more than likely I would never notice what you wearing.  My own criteria for dressing is "is it clean and does it fit".  I guess that is how much fashion and clothing interests me.  We are all different and isn't that a good thing.  I wanted to write about Freedom, Language, Purity and Tolerance but they will be different topics for different days.

Manana

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011............10:23p.m.

Jonathon Turns 15

Happy Birthday Jon!!!

Even though I have two sons I believe they were living with their father when they had their 15th birthday.  And I was so busy working and going to school that time passed in a haze during that period.  I am so lucky to experience this boy becoming a man.  I have a memory of the spring I arrived here, Jonathon had just turned 12 and I remember he fell asleep on the Chesterfield.  His mother picked him up and carried him to his bed, which was downstairs at that time.  He was hanging over both arms.  As she carried him she said "I won't be able to do this much longer".  Perhaps I just imagined it but I thought that there was a touch of sadness in her voice, or perhaps it was just in my mind.  I have never had the opportunity of watching any other of my grandchildren make the transition from child to young adult and I realize now how much I have missed.
It was by circumstance that I was at the hospital the morning that Jonathon was born.  I had been at my son Michael's home the night before, I was with my fiance Paul.  The call came early in the morning that Tami was labour, she was almost a month early and I was a little concerned.  We drove from Hamilton to Kitchener, went to the wrong hospital first, of course.  By the time we found the other hospital Tami was already in delivery.  It was a breach delivery and she had an epideral.  When the nurse brough this almost 5 pound baby boy out she handed him to me.  he was so beautiful even then.  his hair was exactly the same colour as Tami's had been at birth.  It was the colour of a brand new penny.  I am sure other babies have had this colour hair, but they were the only two that I had seen with hair that colour.  The nurse said I should rub him to stimulate him.  I did that and was able to examine him completely and he was totally perfect.  I handed him to Paul, that was funny, Paul had never held a new born in his life.  He had a daughter but was working away from home when she was born and didn't hold her for the first month.  I wish I had a camera, there was a look of terror on his face, then after a couple of minutes a look of complete awe.  He later told me that he felt he had bonded with a new born for the first time ever.  I am glad he had that experience.  Everyone should experience that at least once.

Again Happy Birthday Jonathon!!!!!!

Thursday, April 7th, 2011..............10:02

Man When He Does Not Grieve Hardly Exist....Antonio Porchio

I heard this quote on a TV program tonight and looked up the author.  The quote touched me.  I have written about grief before and I will probably touch on it again, as each day brings its joys it also bring its sorrows.  Today brought a few joys and old memories brought back some old griefs.  To me they are the opposite sides of the same coin.  And I suppose that if I didn't feel grief I wouldn't really feel joy either and that would make me a woman who hardly exists.  I have a hard time expressing either emotion.  There has to be so much surpressed joy and grief inside me.  I think I know why I have such a hard time expressing any emotion, but perhaps it is more than I am aware of.  I have been described as "stoic" and I really am not.  I so much envy people who who feel safe enough, are brave enough, to display their joys and griefs.  Because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't feel it.  I always considered myself a solitary griever, yet I know that until I finally let someone else in on my grieving and my joy I am not finished with the experience.
Again I need to say that grieve isn't confined to a death, or perhaps it is; I just had a thought.  A loss usually involves a kind of death.  In my life I have grieved the death of friendships, relationships, my career and other small or big deaths.  The death of a dream is really big for me and I believe for everyone.  The loss of Hope probably tops the list.  Yet when I finally accept the loss of Hope, then comes acceptance and with it the healing can begin. 
I didn't mean this to be a sad, unhappy blog, because I am not feeling that way tonight.  I am looking forward to this weekend and expect to experience and to feel joy, in fact I am feeling it already.  Yet the quote wanted and  needed to be written and talked about tonight.

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011...................10:54p.m.

Gratitude Is A Vaccine, An Antitoxin And An Antiseptic.....John Henry Jowett

I found this quote while looking for something else and liked it so much I decided to use it for tonights blog.
To me gratitude in a vaccine against jealousy, mean spiritness and envy.  When I am feeling gratitude I believe my body and more importantly my soul are being detoxified.  Ineed this, we all need this.  As for the antiseptic, to me that means clean.  Septic according to the dictionary means infection or infected, so, antiseptic has to mean the opposite.  It is the cleaning away of the infected or sick tissue of the body or once again the mind and the soul.
When I am feeling grateful, I can't be angry or vengeful.  I have actually tried to hold these two feelings at the same time and I can't.  When I am grateful everything is better; food tastes better, a hug feels warmer and life is fuller.  Being grateful must be good for my health because I feel better, my muscles become unknotted and even my left knee doesn't hurt as much.  Gratitude is really good for me and probably for all of us.  I have observed people while they were feeling gratitude and they look younger and softer somehow, even more attractive.  I highly recommend that you try it.

Manana

Monday, April 4th, 2011........11:52p.m.

Money Talks.............Neil Diamond

My daughter and I share quite a few things in common, besides the blonde hair, blue eyes, astigmatisms etc.  We both really like Neil Diamond's music.  Her children like him too, so that is 3 generations.  During the summer particularly, I will hear Neil Diamond blasting out "Money Talks, But It Can't Sing And Dance, And It Can't Walk".  No matter where I am when I hear this song, I think of Tami.  It also reflects her healthy attitude toward life.  The lyrics always touch me.  When I think of winning the lottery, (I think about it a lot) I remember that money talks but it don't sing and dance and it don't walk.  I wouldn't want it at the cost of any of these things.  It reminds me of the many things that I take for granted, probably most of us do.  I had a step brother who had polio before the vaccine.  He couldn't walk, and singing was difficult for him as the muscles in the larnyx were also paralized.  He was a good, happy man, and he loved music.  I'll bet he loved Neil Diamond too.  He was the only one of my step siblings that I really formed a bond with.  His name is/was Lorne.  I have no contact with that part of the family and the last I heard he was very ill and more crippled than ever.  Thank you to the Universe that I can sing and dance and I can talk, even if I am not rich while doing them.

Afternoon Toughts

Sunday, April 3rd, 2011................2:56p.m.

Good Stuff

I want to write about some good things tonight.  Where I live now there are some things different than what I am used to.  There are wild turkeys, I think I was aware that these birds existed but I don't think I had ever seen one.  In Bruce County they should be the regional bird.  They are here all year.  In the winter I would often see a field full of them, at least 50 rather large birds.  I wondered what they found to eat and I still wonder what sustains them all through the long, snowy winter.  There is more snow here than I was used to and sometimes as long as 5 days the driveway not usable to me, with a regular car.  Even that can be, and was enjoyable.  There was something cozy about being snowed in.  Everything is there, the computer, the big screen TV, the freezer full of food and the best cook I know preparing it.  Most of all the wonderful, loving family I share the home with.

Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am.  So many people live without the necessities of life and I have all I need and I have it in abundance.  Just some of the good stuff that I am thinking about tonight. 

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011...............10:31p.m.